The year ahead is full of what I consider trigger dates. These are dates that mark a moment in time that is heavy with emotion. 2010 shook my life to its core and I can sense that there will be many aftershocks in 2011.
I fear that tomorrow will be the first such date. I've been feeling out of sorts for the past week. This is always a stressful time in our home and work lives. I am also on CD #28, so I am thinking I am also dealing with the effects of PMS. I have been sick for a month with a cold that just seems to keep on coming back. Feeling overwhelmed. But then it hit me... tomorrow will be January 29th. It will mark one year since our first FET at CCRM. We were just so VERY hopeful and so sure our dreams were finally going to come true. (You can read about it here)
I wish I could do it over. I wish I could go back to the hopefulness we felt.
But it didn't end as we had hoped. It ended so badly, that it still hurts. It really hurts. I can still feel the sting of hope being ripped from our hearts.
We are healing, but there are days where it just hits me. I find myself suddenly recalling details from last January and I realize I am holding my breath. I am trying to find the strength to exhale.
And sometimes the exhaling comes with tears.
I am trying to be aware of these trigger dates, and allow myself to feel whatever they bring.
That's one step in the healing process, right?
One date down, many more to come.
Hoping that 2011 brings days to celebrate, too.
Praying for huge blessings for you this year!
ReplyDeletethinking of you as you approach these sad anniversaries.
ReplyDeleteI have been having the same experience, knowing that I am approaching the time that last year we were actually pregnant. It is a very odd and sad feeling.
Sending lots of love to you, hang in there....
{{{Patience}}}, I'll be thinking about you tomorrow. I hope & pray that your dreams of motherhood are finally realized in 2011.
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I just wanted to say thanks for stopping by my blog. I really understand that feeling of wanting to go back to a time when you were hopeful. I am so very sorry for your loss.
ReplyDeletePatience--There are so many things I want to say here but I won't because I know that when I was feeling what you were I couldn't really hear them--but they're good things, about how it does get better, that the hurt really can nearly go away, that trigger dates can pass by without causing so much intense pain. I am so sorry for the hurt you are feeling now, and yes, I so hope you have days to celebrate in 2011!
ReplyDeleteAnniversaries are tough, but for me, acknowledging them helps me. I just hope that 2011 is a better year for you. You deserve that.
ReplyDeleteWaiting to exhale...so much truth and emotion in those few words. I so hope 2011 brings you happier trigger dates.
ReplyDeleteAs hard as it seems now, you will get through each of those trigger dates, and soon enough your life will be filled with a new happiness that will make the pain of the past seem much less. I'm wishing you a much happier 2011!
ReplyDeleteOh, you brave woman, you. I'm so glad that you are letting yourself feel the grief you are feeling. It won't feel this intense forever, but I am glad that you are allowing yourself to feel it now. I really hope that 2011 brings you moments of making new and wonderful memories. I'm guessing that you also need to honour the calendar dates that remind you of painful times.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you and sending warm hugs.
I'm sorry there is just so much pain. I wish I had words of wisdom...the only thing I can offer is that you are not alone. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteI can somewhat relate it (IF) to the loss of a loved one, in my case, my Dad. It never goes away but the span of time between those moments, when a dagger gets you in the heart, gets more and more. You also figure out how to feel the pain and then put it in it's place. Like everyone is saying, you feel it, acknowledge it, but then go on. I had a moment this weekend with DH. We went to NYC, saw Spiderman and visited a friend. We were getting ready and I looked at him and my heart totally sank in an instant. Into my brain came a thought that I was the one holding him back from a bio family. I, of course, verbalized it, but DH eased my sadness, and made me feel loved. The only way out of it is to feel supported. I just want you to know that in addition to your IRL family & friends, you have a lot of support here. Thinking of you and hoping and praying for you.
ReplyDelete((HUGS)) and thank you for stopping by my blog. Thinking of you.
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