The elephant in the hotel room

First off, I would like to thank Mel over at Stirrup Queens for including me in last week's Friday blog round up.  I am truly honored!  The post she wrote about was this one that I wrote last week about the tough feelings of being a long time IF vet.  Thank you for all of your comments on that post as well.  It was a really hard post to write, but in the end it was very therapeutic.  I have learned over the years that the best way for me to personally work through my feelings is to write them out.  This blog has been the forum for the past several years.  So thank you to all who read and comment.  It reminds me that I am not alone.

I had an absolutely fabulous weekend with the girls.  We shared lots of laughs, food, and wine.  Saturday was spent at the luxurious spa at the resort.  This was my first real experience at a spa like this, and I am hooked!  We enjoyed pedicures and then lounged in the whirlpool, steam room, and the pool.  We were even served mimosas. It was a great experience and I can't wait to do it again.  I am so lucky to work with such great women.

One challenge of the weekend was realizing that one of the girls is most likely pregnant.  She is one of my closest friends, and I talked her through her first injectibles/IUI cycle in December.  I know she had her beta on Christmas Eve, but we've never talked about the result.  It's that weird place where the long time infertile and the new infertile can't really meet.  I despise the fact that she has to feel bad about sharing her good news with me, even though I talked her through every step of the way up to her beta.  I went over her bloodwork and helped her make sense of her results & medication instructions.  It goes both ways, I can't get the courage to ask her, and she doesn't seem to want to tell me.  We've had plenty of opportunities- it just hasn't happened.  Now, I could be way off here, but the signs are all there.  She didn't have a drop of alcohol the entire weekend (and there was much of it to go around...) and she slept almost all of the weekend.  She didn't do the spa with us either and was sick at one point.  She also got up at the exact same time each morning and there was a crinone wrapper in the garbage. So, I think I am right on here. 

I don't think anyone else even had a clue.  I couldn't share my feelings or even disclose my thoughts to the other girls there.  I tried hard not to think about it, but the thoughts would creep back in.  I would start calculating how far along she would be.  I almost started tearing up when I realized she must be farther along than I ever made it before my miscarriage.  I have to admit that part of me is a little jealous.  Jealous that she is pregnant.  Jealous that it only took one treatment cycle.  Jealous that she will get to feel what it means to be pregnant.  But I am working through those feelings.  I may not ever know what it means to be pregnant, but I will know what it means to be a mom.

So for now, we will continue on dancing around the topic.  I don't think I am going to bring it up.  I think she knows that I know- but I don't think either of us is ready to talk about it. 

Chris has his interview with the social worker tomorrow.  Please have good thoughts that Romeo behaves and that the house stays somewhat clean.  I am trying hard not to worry about the interview.  I wish I was going first, but the timing worked out for Chris to go first.  I started to coach him, but I decided to just let him be himself.  He charmed me, so I am hoping he will do the same with the social worker!