Tired of being "Normal"

After leaving yet another message with the office staff at the OB, I finally got a call back from the OB himself this afternoon.  Honestly, I really like him as a doctor.  He has always been kind and straight forward with me.  It's the rest of the staff at the office that I can do without.

He apologized for not getting back to me sooner.  They've changed to electronic records and he hasn't quite embraced it.  He was expecting a written report for the lab, and it simply "appeared" in my file without him realizing it.  Who knows how long it's been there.

The fetus was completely genetically NORMAL.  46 perfect chromosomes.

My heart sank when he told me.  I was so hoping that it was just bad genetic luck.  Nope, another completely normal fetus that my body has not allowed to thrive and grow.  It's not just "meant to be" due to some horrible chromosomal anomoly.  It's my body killing off perfectly normal embryos.  Guess that throws out Dr Sch theory that the first m/c was due to the no-result embryo being the one that implanted.

The OB was kind and told me that he too, had hoped that we would learn that it was a genetic issue.  He also was honest and said that there really was nothing more he could do to help us.  He said he was more than willing to support me in anything I needed going forward, but that he was not comfortable taking the lead on my case.  He said I was "unusual" and needed to work with a specialist.  He couldn't think of anyone locally that specializes in RPL, and even shared that he doesn't think that anyone in the field really understands RPL.

So- where do we go from here?  Chris is willing to consult with another doctor, as long as it doesn't cost more than what we can afford without impacting our adoption fund.  I agree.  If only we'd won the megamillions- even just a few numbers!  It seems really foolish however, to attempt any additional treatment without knowing anything about what is now causing my RPL.  He is willing to get a consult with Dr. Kwak- Kim since she is local to us anyway.  I suppose it can't hurt to at least find out what her thoughts are on it all.  I'm also sending off an email to my beloved CCRM nurse to get her thoughts.  I'll keep taking the supplements.  None of them can hurt me- and they all have good "life" effects other than egg quality.   I wish we had someone that would volunteer to be a surrogate for us- someone we know and love.  But that just doesn't seem to be in the cards either.

I dreamed last night that we had finally adopted a baby boy.  It was one of those dreams that was so real and vivid that it seemed real.  I woke up sad when I realized it had really just been a dream.  My dear sweet Patches was also in my dream, alive and well playing with the baby.  We were also surrounded by others who had adopted- but all of them were same sex couples.  Not sure what that part of my dream means.  I wish I felt that this all was a "sign" but I just don't buy into that anymore.

Our homestudy expires two weeks from tomorrow.  It's been a full year since we completed the process.  We went active with our attorney in September- so it's been more than 6 months that we've been actively trying to adopt.  We'll just have to update things for our homestudy and of course pay another fee but it isn't nearly the process it was the first time.  I was so hopeful that we'd finally get lucky and not need to update our homestudy- we'd be matched quickly.  But it looks as if our adoption path is going to head the same way our treatment path went.

I hate being in this dark place.  I don't want to feel this desperation that I am feeling right now.  Becoming a mother has been my goal for so long.  Please, pretty please, universe- let it all be worth it.