Baby Lust

I've recently discovered this term.  Yes, I know it's been out there for a long time.  But it just seems to be fitting with where I am at right now.  I am totally feeling baby lust.

Now, let's be honest.  I've been trying to have a baby for more than a decade now.  I've injected god knows what into all parts of my body, endured multiple surgeries, flown across the country four times, and witnessed the + sign on the HPT only to have it ripped away three times in the past 18 months.  Clearly, having a baby has been a driving focus in my life.  I've put my life on hold in more than one way waiting for the day we are finally called parents.

However, there is just this sense of urgency that is building with me lately.  At first I was turned off (pun intended) with the term baby lust.  Lust feels like a dirty word- but if you take out the connotation, it really does seem to fit.  Much like a teenage boy thinks about s*x every moment of the day, I find myself dreaming about babies at the most bizarre moments.

The idea creeps into my daily routines.  Daydreaming about the day I finally hold my baby in my arms is the first thing I do in the morning, and the last thing I do before I drift off to sleep.  The phone rings and I pray that it's our attorney calling to let us know about a situation... the situation that is finally meant to bring us to our forever child.  Every single time I open my email, I hold my breath in hopes that there will be an email from our agency or another person giving us a lead that will bring us to our forever child.  I literally feel a hole in my chest just writing about it now.  I am so ready.  Chris is so ready.  We are so ready.  When will it finally be our turn?  When will we finally hold our forever child in our arms?

I called the OB today and had to leave a message with the moron receptionist.  I had to repeat three times that I had a d&c and needed the testing results.  At one point I considered saying, "I need to find out if the dead fetus removed from my uterus was chromosomally normal or if perhaps yet again my body killed the fetus due to some unknown issue."  I refrained from that statement, but given the opportunity I might just say that if I have to call back.  It is now after 6:00pm and I have not received a call back.  Not a call from the OB, not a call from the nurse.  No flipping call.  It's been more than the 8 weeks which was supposed to be the longest the results would take.  And the OB assured me he would call me as soon as he had results.  These results are HUGE.  I don't think anyone in the office really cares.  I need to know if this was just another case of bad genetic luck, or if it is really time to admit that I will never be able to carry a child.

We need to make some decisions going forward once we get this information.  I am 150% committed to our adoption plan.  I know that our child was meant to find us.  But I need to know if I should consider going on BCP to prevent another pregnancy that will end once my hostile uterus gets involved.  Nobody can tell me why we can't get pregnant and stay pregnant.  I know in my heart that there is NO way I can emotionally, physically, or spiritually handle a fourth miscarriage.  But if we learn that there is a chance that we just had some bad luck in the genetics department, I am willing to let nature do its thing.  (I know that we can once again have bad luck that ends up in m/c- I am 37 with PCOS, I get that...)

I've been taking the supplements for a month, and all in all feel pretty good.  I am 99% sure I'm ovulating right now.  It goes against every bone in my body to avoid s&x at this point, but it's what has to happen.  I can't risk another doomed pregnancy so soon.  We were told to wait two cycles regardless, so we are really following what we were told still.  Given the current state of baby lust however, it is taking lots of will power.  And let's be clear- ten years of infertility and three miscarriages pretty much suck all of the "regular" kind of lust from your body. 

So for now, I am daydreaming of babies and imaginary nurseries.  Hoping that one day soon I won't have to dream and we will finally have our forever child in our arms.  And let's hope that someone from the OB office calls before I have to get ugly.