Exhale

Sorry that I've been MIA.  The end of the school year is always crazy and I am happy to say that I made it to the end in one piece.  I am so thankful that the school year is over.  One of the blessings of teaching is that there is an end.  Every rough class, every rough year, every rough experience is over once the school year comes to a close.  (On the flip- every great class also leaves after a year.)

The sense of relief I am feeling is unbelievable.  While the students were especially challenging this year, it was also a tough year for me personally.  We're still in adoption limbo- I am trying so hard to keep the hope.  We've been told over and over what an "ideal" couple we are.  I honestly thought that we'd finally be on a smooth path to parenthood and that we would be on the fast track.  Just once, we had hoped that things would fall into place for us.

And yet, here we are more than a year waiting.  We haven't had a serious "lead" (I really hate that term, but not sure how else to phrase it) in several months.  My heart is heavy with longing.  I am trying hard to keep my jealousy/why not me monster in check.  Of course last night I was looking at our attorney's website of waiting families, and noticed at least three couples who signed AFTER us that are now parents.  Now, I know that there is no sense of order to this and that the right woman is out there for us.  I'm just so tired of waiting.

We had several people contact us recently about a local situation through a national agency.  They were looking for a family for a newborn with down syndrome and a significant heart defect.  My heart leapt when I read the first email, but I know in my heart of hearts that this was not the right situation for us.   We literally had four different people email about this situation. 

My head is full of thoughts about this and our adoption process in general.  I can't seem to find the right words to express it right now.  I've typed and erased line after line.  The bottom line- I'm feeling a little hopeless and conflicted and excited and sad and frustrated and so much more.

AF showed up on Memorial Day- which means I've now had two "normalish" cycles of 32-34 days.  That's just unheard of for this PCOS/RPL gal.  And isn't it crazy that a tiny part of me was actually sad when AF showed up? I don't know what is going on with my body though- my hormones seem to be a hot mess all around.  I've been exhausted and weepy.  Hormones?  Or just the stress of everything?

I am really looking forward to the slower pace of summer.  While I feel that I can breathe again with school being over, I also feel like I am holding my breath in terms of our adoption.  I am hoping I will finally be able to exhale soon- that finally it will be our turn in all of this.