***CAUTION***

I fell like  a walking, talking, breathing,  CAUTION sign.  I like to imagine that there are flashing neon lights involved with said sign.  I know I've wrote about this before, but the latest announcement has brought me to a new level of thinking on this topic. 

I am the worst case scenario for many women.  I am the woman that people- both fertile and non-fertile think to themselves, "at least I'm not her"  And I am not saying this to be melodramatic- it's the realization that I have come to.  Let's be honest here.  I've fallen into the veteran, wrong side of the statistics category for many years now.  The thing is- while I am obviously a little bitter about all we've endured, the fact that I am "thank god I'm not her" girl is what is bringing me to the brink right now.

In so many ways, I have followed the rules and lived the good life.  Sure, I married young, but I was in love and was close to finishing college.  We made some bad financial decisions in our early married years, but we've made good on that now.  I have a good career working in a human service field- working with challenging kids.  I have good friends who have supported me through it all. 

But I know so many of them are so very thankful that they aren't in my shoes.  I am now at a point that every.single.one of my closest friends is either pregnant or parenting.  Now, several of them have gone into the ttc world full force- because they KNOW.  They know what the worst case looks like, and by god, the are going to do what they can not to end up like me.  They start trying as soon as they can.  They move to specialists early on.  They get second opinions.

And you know why? Because I have shared my experience.  I've always been very open about all we've been through.  I've felt it was my responsibility to educate my friends.  God knows I don't want to wish my fate on ANYONE- especially those who I care so much about.  So in all reality, I built this neon flashing CAUTION sign all by myself.

I have so many mixed feelings on this.  Holding this giant CAUTION sign is weighing heavy on my heart and soul.  I also feel a sense of pride in that I have been able to serve as a warning for friends- and that so many of them have been blessed with pregnancies and children.  That giant CAUTION sign has done its job.

Tonight I will be joining my closest coworkers for a girls night hosted by the friend mentioned in the last post.  She is planning to tell our fellow coworkers tonight.  I was torn about what to do to protect myself, and in the end I called one of the other girls who will be there tonight too. While I know it wasn't my news to share, I knew that she would understand.  She's the friend who got pregnant on her first IUI and we danced around it for months.  When I told her, I could feel the sting she felt with our friend's quick pregnancy too.  I am feeling a little guilty about telling her, but think that she also needed time to absorb the news.  I am thankful to have an "ally" when the news is shared tonight.  One of my fears is that people will act strangely around me when the news is out.  I've said this before, I think one of the most painful parts of long time infertility is the pity parade you get.  I'm just not in the mood for a parade tonight!

So I am off with my giant CAUTION sign to spend time with the girls I adore and hope that the awkwardness is minimal.  There's always copious amounts of wine to make it all feel much less awkward, right?