The should have baby

It's been some time since I thought about the pregnancy we lost in February.  The pain is so raw and deep at first with a miscarriage but time does have a way of making the pain fade.  It's always there and it becomes part of who you are, but it isn't in your face like it is in those first few days.  But there are moments when it comes back with that same intensity that you first felt- be it weeks, months, or even years later. 

Today I had one of those moments.  Our good friends had their fourth baby today.  She is a healthy addition to their family.  I found myself drawn to FB waiting to hear that the baby had made her arrival.  I knew our friend was having a c-section today and that their newest little one would come into this world at some point today.  I couldn't figure out why I was so drawn to this birthday.  And then I remembered.... Jen found out she was pregnant when we did.  They waited to tell us until after the D&C.  That sounds worse than it really was- they wanted to be sensitive to what we were going through but knew it was going to be out there and wanted us to know.  I found out while I was in North Carolina during spring break, so it wasn't right after our D&C.

But here's the realization I had today.  We should have had our baby by now.  The baby that we could have brought into this world if I hadn't had the third miscarriage.  I don't know what the exact due date would have been, but it would have been before now.  With the first miscarriage, I was very in tune with it all and thought about it often.  With the second miscarriage, I never had the sense of hope that there could have been a happy ending.  The third was so much of a surprise from the start with tiny bursts of hope thrown in.  I think that's why this date has hit me like this... it's like a little bubble burst and I had the realization that we should have also been having the experience of becoming parents through the miracle of birth.

I think it also hit me today- I mean really hit home- that we will never experience going to the hospital to give birth.  We'll never know what that experience is like.  We'll never pack a hospital bag and have a plan to tell those we love that we've welcomed life into this world.   We'll never go through that "right of passage" that is such a part of becoming an adult.  And I don't know how I will ever come to terms with that realization. 

Our life is full, and I am so lucky to share my life with a man who makes my every breath matter.  I am so lucky to have a marriage built on memories of growing up together.  My marriage is stronger despite as a result of 12 years of infertility and loss.  We are happy and most of my days are full of joy and laughter.  It the joy that keeps me moving forward.  And that's all I can do. 

Three

Did anyone else grow up hearing that things happen in threes?  I grew up hearing that death, major events, and births happen in threes.  Interestingly, that is usually the case. 

You know where this is going, right?

I now have three coworkers that are pregnant and all due within a month of each other.  The third teacher came to me today.  She happens to be a good friend and one of the teachers I share a room with in my new role.  She was afraid to tell me... just as every person close to me has been.  She also knows of our struggle, and like my other close friend, started "trying" right away because she knew that it could take time.  She and my other friend were married a day apart... in June... June 2012.  Which means they BOTH got pregnant the first month they tried following getting married.  I spent the early summer working on things for their weddings. 

The other coworker is expecting her second child.  She has a two year old already.  She suffers from PCOS, but is one of the lucky ones I guess...  But it's the other two that are weighing heavily on my heart tonight.

I wonder if there will ever be a time that my heart doesn't break with a pregnancy announcement.  I think these sting a little more because they both started trying right away because of my struggle- knowing that it doesn't work for some people.  Yet, they both got very lucky.  They both know just how lucky they are, and for that I am grateful.  They both shared with me how much they treasure the gift that they have been given.  And they both get it... at least for now.  Talk to me in a few months when they are both showing and it might be another story all together.

I can't help but have a little pity party tonight.  We're still waiting.  We're still hoping.  We're trying to live each day and believe that in the end all of this will be worth it.  My heart is breaking tonight.  I just don't understand why we have to watch all of those around us become parents while we want nothing more than to have the chance.  While I know that all of this is not related, but part of me has to wonder why these other women (who are amazing people and will be amazing mothers) have been given the gift that I so desperately yearn for.  Why aren't I good enough to become a mom?  Why can't my body carry a pregnancy?  Why can't a woman choose us to become the parents to her child? 

You would think that after all these years it would get easier.  In some ways it is easier- I was able to smile and ask all the right questions when my coworker told me today.  She knew the story of the coworker who did it all wrong- and wanted to make sure I knew long before it was out.  I was able to keep it together and not shed a tear at work until I had a private moment to call Chris.  So I suppose in some ways it is easier- or maybe I just have developed an armor. 

Of course today is CD#1... and it is a doozy- heavy and crampy.  I really just wanted to curl up into a ball today.  But I survived a full day of work and made it home in one piece. That's probably the bottom line... I am a survivor. 

Fall Whirlwind

Whew... can't believe it's already September 9th!  Where did the last few weeks go?  Oh-- the start of a new school year, that's right!

The new job is going well.  Not nearly as stress free as Chris had hoped it would be for me.  It's been hard to accept that there is LOTS I don't know and that I am dependent on others to give me the info I need to do my job.  There have been some egos that have emerged that have caused some stress too.  It seems that there are a few of my colleagues that are a little threatened by my new role.  I'm spending more time walking around trying not to step on toes than I would like.  Hoping that has all come to a head now and that we can move forward. 

The start of a new school year is always intense, and I am really tired.  I had to do trainings after school every day last week and literally crashed when I got home at 8 on Friday night.  I always seem to forget how hard it is to readjust to the start of school each year.  However, I wouldn't trade summers off for anything!

In adoption news, we were presented to another woman recently who was due in a short time.  Sadly, she stopped returning our attorney's calls and we aren't even sure if she has had her child.  Its hard to believe we've almost been a waiting family for a year now, and we are still in the hoping phase.  I am still holding out hope that we will be matched before the end of year year, but I know that as each day passes that becomes less and less of a reality.  We're getting calls and we're being profiled- we're just not being chosen.  We're really doing all we can right now, but might consider running a google ad campaign after the 15th. 

In other news, it appears my blood pressure is now an issue.  I've been watching it on and off since my college days, but now it seems to be an official issue.  After talking to my primary care doctor, she feels that I need to go on low dose medication. My cholesterol has also decided to become elevated.  My blood sugar is also starting to creep up,  but she is going to leave me at my current dosage of met.formin for now.  I feel like I've aged 20 years in a few weeks!  I did ask to get a referral to a dietician to help me come up with a plan now that I need to manage both my carbs/sugars and the fats/proteins.  I also know that I need to become active again and hopefully I can get into a routine of good eating and regular exercise again. 

We did have a great summer full of concerts with friends.  Our final concert of the year is our annual Jimmy B.uffett adventure.  We enjoy tailgating and taking in all the sights.  Here is a photo of the group before the concert...

What a difference this summer was compared to last.  Feeling so much more refreshed this year and ready to take on whatever the fall has in store for us.  Hoping and wishing and dreaming that there will be a little one in our lives before the end of the fall....

Hope you are all having a great start to your fall.  Now that I am getting settled in to my routines, I am hoping to have more time to read and comment on your blogs!

Have a great Sunday!

August ICLW

It's been a few weeks since my last post... it's been crazy with the end of summer and the start of the new school year.  I promise updates are coming. 

For those of you here for ICLW, welcome! 

We've had a long road and are hoping to start our family through the miracle of open adoption.  You can learn more about our journey by clicking on the timeline tab above.

Looking forward to reading and commenting this week!  Hope you are all enjoying the last moments of summer and the start of a new school year.  :)

***CAUTION***

I fell like  a walking, talking, breathing,  CAUTION sign.  I like to imagine that there are flashing neon lights involved with said sign.  I know I've wrote about this before, but the latest announcement has brought me to a new level of thinking on this topic. 

I am the worst case scenario for many women.  I am the woman that people- both fertile and non-fertile think to themselves, "at least I'm not her"  And I am not saying this to be melodramatic- it's the realization that I have come to.  Let's be honest here.  I've fallen into the veteran, wrong side of the statistics category for many years now.  The thing is- while I am obviously a little bitter about all we've endured, the fact that I am "thank god I'm not her" girl is what is bringing me to the brink right now.

In so many ways, I have followed the rules and lived the good life.  Sure, I married young, but I was in love and was close to finishing college.  We made some bad financial decisions in our early married years, but we've made good on that now.  I have a good career working in a human service field- working with challenging kids.  I have good friends who have supported me through it all. 

But I know so many of them are so very thankful that they aren't in my shoes.  I am now at a point that every.single.one of my closest friends is either pregnant or parenting.  Now, several of them have gone into the ttc world full force- because they KNOW.  They know what the worst case looks like, and by god, the are going to do what they can not to end up like me.  They start trying as soon as they can.  They move to specialists early on.  They get second opinions.

And you know why? Because I have shared my experience.  I've always been very open about all we've been through.  I've felt it was my responsibility to educate my friends.  God knows I don't want to wish my fate on ANYONE- especially those who I care so much about.  So in all reality, I built this neon flashing CAUTION sign all by myself.

I have so many mixed feelings on this.  Holding this giant CAUTION sign is weighing heavy on my heart and soul.  I also feel a sense of pride in that I have been able to serve as a warning for friends- and that so many of them have been blessed with pregnancies and children.  That giant CAUTION sign has done its job.

Tonight I will be joining my closest coworkers for a girls night hosted by the friend mentioned in the last post.  She is planning to tell our fellow coworkers tonight.  I was torn about what to do to protect myself, and in the end I called one of the other girls who will be there tonight too. While I know it wasn't my news to share, I knew that she would understand.  She's the friend who got pregnant on her first IUI and we danced around it for months.  When I told her, I could feel the sting she felt with our friend's quick pregnancy too.  I am feeling a little guilty about telling her, but think that she also needed time to absorb the news.  I am thankful to have an "ally" when the news is shared tonight.  One of my fears is that people will act strangely around me when the news is out.  I've said this before, I think one of the most painful parts of long time infertility is the pity parade you get.  I'm just not in the mood for a parade tonight!

So I am off with my giant CAUTION sign to spend time with the girls I adore and hope that the awkwardness is minimal.  There's always copious amounts of wine to make it all feel much less awkward, right? 

THAT call- NOT THE call.

I knew that it was coming.  It's been more than 6 months since it happened at all.  It's been well over a year since it happened at school.  You'd think I'd be prepared but now.  But as soon as the phone rang and Chris told me who it was- I just knew.  I knew it was going to be THAT call.  The phone call that brings me to my knees as soon as I hang up. 

My good friends and coworkers are pregnant.  I am thrilled for them and excited to know that they are going to be amazing parents.  It's just a little sting, and another tiny part of my heart broke with the news. 

They are very good friends.  She was my running partner last spring.  She has been on my 6th grade team for the last several years, and we taught next door to each other last year.  Her husband has actually taught with me longer than she has.  I helped with their wedding invitations and favors.  They were married on our anniversary and  I knew that they were planning to start a family right away.  They've watched my struggle and knew that time was of the essence.  She stopped BCP the month before the wedding after being on it for a very long time.  She knows my history and figured they needed to start trying right away. 

Of course they got pregnant on the first month after the wedding.  She has some scary health issues that were also just diagnosed, so it is going to be a rough few months for them.  I cautioned her about telling people about the pregnancy so soon, but she said she was ready to share with those closest to her.  I have to remember that for most people a positive pregnancy test = take home baby.  Please keep her in your thoughts as she navigates her health and this pregnancy.  She feels strongly that she wants the support of everyone who is very close to her.

This announcement brings about all the usual feelings.  I've been here before and I know that I will be here again.  I could feel the panic and pain in her voice as she was telling me her happy news.  I hate that our friends have to feel the sense of sadness when they have to tell us.  I am so thankful that she called me and told me over the phone.  I really think this is the best way for me to hear this news.  It allows me to keep my composure and not have to be face to face with someone when they tell me.  It gives me time to absorb the information and process it on my own terms.  It allows me to have a full blown temper tantrum in the privacy of my own home. I am so very thankful to have such caring friends who think about what's best for me during a very special time in their own lives.  

I have some other thoughts that I need to let roll around in my brain before committing to a post.  She invited us over for a girls night on Wednesday that I had already committed to.   Need to work through that in my head too.


Feeling better already... thank goodness for this blog!

Adoption Updates

I love the fact that I am a teacher and have summers off.  It means that I have lots of time to get projects done around the house, time to decompress and relax, and time to spend with Chris (when there isn't swimming).  However, it also means that I have way too much time on my hands to think.

We're nearing the end of summer vacation.  Another summer vacation as a family of two.  Another summer spent marketing my arse off for our adoption efforts.  I've tried so hard to remain hopeful and positive along the way.  We've lived this summer.  We've had fun.  We've had some forced fun so I could update our adoption profile.  We've taken more photos of ourselves this summer than any summer before.  Just to prove we have fun!

I finally had a few moments on the phone with our attorney this morning.  She is hard to get ahold of and I have been trying to get a face to face meeting or at least a phone call in for the past few weeks.  I know she is a busy woman- she runs a small office and does most of it herself.  I am always frustrated when I can't get in touch, but as soon as I do, I remember why we chose her.  She knows her stuff and is one of the most ethical, caring people we've worked with.  We know that she will treat an expectant mother with respect and make sure she gets the support she needs.  While it is easy to want a quick match, often times that comes with a price at larger agencies.  Sometimes that price is actual money, and other times it is at the expense of the ethical treatment of the expectant mother.  We've always felt strongly that we want to know that our child's first mother made her choice in an informed, supportive environment.

So- back to my conversation with our attorney.  Our profile is going out- A LOT.  Like, she only has 3 left out of 30.  We are getting calls on our 888 number- more than most of her other clients.  Our marketing efforts are working.  Our networking is working.  Our profile is going out even when calls are coming on other client's 888 numbers due to our openness to work with diverse expectant mothers.

There just hasn't been a match.  We haven't been NOT picked- but we haven't been picked either.  Many of the calls coming in on our 888 number are from women who are in early stages of their pregnancies.  (Oh, to think that a positive HPT= baby for most of these women!) In Illinois, we can only provide support for expectant mothers 120 days before her due date.  Many of these women need help before that- and we just can't legally do so.  This is where our attorney has been critical for us- I am sure I would want to help in any way I can- that's just my nature.  When we finalize our eventual adoption, we have to disclose all monies and we could lose a child if we didn't follow the law.  There are agencies and attorneys out there that will work around this law- and many of these women turn to them. We know our limits, and while it is hard to see our calls come in and have no leads, we feel strongly about being ethical in every aspect of our adoption process.

Thankfully we don't know every time our profile goes out.  It would be nerve wracking.  So for now, I have to rely on these updates from our attorney every few months.  It's frustrating, but I know she is also protecting us.  She's been doing this for a long time, and I have to trust her.  But it's so hard to trust after we've been at this for so very flipping long.  She calls us if there is something more concrete.  It's just been several months since we had anything concrete.

We also had an expectant mother contact us through adop.timist.  I won't go into details, but I am pretty sure we are being played.  She has called our attorney but when our attorney tries to call back, someone else answers and won't allow our attorney to leave a message.  She won't return my emails or messages and a google search of the number brought up some interesting Cr.aig's List ads.  She is very early in her pregnancy, and we think she is looking for some support- and as I wrote above- that isn't anything we can do just yet.   We've almost written it off- but it was hard to have our hopes up for even the short time it lasted.

I also talked at length with the owner at adopti.mist.  Apparently, our profile is also getting "above average" traffic there too.  We are getting good stats as far as time on page and we have two expectant mothers following us.  (Pretty sure one is the woman above) We're planning to do a goo.gle ad words campaign through them next month.  Again, he says our profile doesn't really "need" the traffic boost like other families, but of course all increase in traffic is a good thing.

So, the bottom line- our marketing efforts are working.  We're doing everything we can.  Our profile is good.  It shows well.  I'm going to make a few tweaks before printing more and update a few of the photos, but not going to make sweeping changes.  We just need to keep going.  Eventually our profile will make it into the hands of the woman who is meant to be in a match with us.  We just have to keep on going. (Maybe I should make Finding Ne.Mo my new mantra... just keep swimming...)

In addition to the new job, I've also applied for grad school as part of the requirement for this new job.  It is an intense cohort program that will give me a second master's degree.  It will also give me the necessary piece of paper from the state that says I am certified to hold this job.  I have to pay for the program out of pocket and then will be reimbursed for maybe half of the program.  Really not an additional cost we wanted and I will have to take student loans to do it.  However, I can't put my life on hold and it will be nice to have the additional distraction, right?

I mean it would be perfect timing for us to finally be matched, right?  First year in a new job- intense grad school program- new baby?  Let's hope the universe has a sense of humor for once!

~~~~~~

Just to add some more fun today... AF arrived this morning.  That means another 34 day cycle.  Holy Cow- every single cycle since the d&c in February has been "normal" Aren't things supposed to get less normal as you get older?!  But we know that Patience doesn't ever fall into the "supposed" to category, right?!