Widening our Horizons

Thank you for your kind words on my last post.  Thinking of all the hopeful dads to be out there today.  Chris is off at a swim meet today.  It's called the "Father's Day Meet" so I can only imagine how hard it will be for him.  He's also battling a nasty cold right now- so please send some extra nice thoughts his way today.

We've decided to broaden our marketing a little bit this week.  We're taking a leap of faith with a newer website and company called adoptimist.com.  They have a free profile plan which we started with but we've decided to take the plunge and become premium members.  We've been happy with the support we've had so far.  Most of the families there are from states that pa.rent.profi.les won't work with.  So, I am hopeful that they will start to take off.  They are not affiliated with any agency or website and brand themselves as an adoption technology marketing firm.   They will also be working with us to develop our own go.ogle ad campaign. 

You can view our profile on their website here.

As you know, I've always been resistant to our attorney's urging to use print ads.  I am really excited about this opportunity and hopeful that we will get our information to the woman who will change our lives soon.  We had another three calls to our 888 number last month.  Chris feels we should stick with our print ads in the Thrifty Nickel papers as well, since we seem to get one call from each area we have ads.  However, nothing has come from any of these calls.  I texted our attorney again this week.  She tells me that she is sending lots of our profiles out, but we are not being chosen.  I've asked her if she is getting any feedback as to why we are not being chosen.  I haven't heard back.  I did ask her that if so many profiles are going out, she must need more soon.  We gave her 30 originally, so I'd really like to know how many she has left.  I want to trust what she tells me.  Really, I do. 

So, for now I'm  continuing to tweak our website.  I've started to tweak our paper profile too hoping that I'll get some feedback from our attorney.  I've updated some photos and used some of the feedback you all gave me on the website for the paper profile. 

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We have a crazy week ahead.  It's the last week of summer school... thank goodness!  Reminding myself every day that the reason I am doing this all is to help pay our attorney fees.  That's what gets me up each and every morning.  I also need to finish a few projects for a coworkers wedding on Saturday.  My good friends Abi & Dago are also getting married on Friday night.  I'm so excited for this wedding as I adore both of them and can't wait to spend the night celebrating with our coworkers.  We spent yesterday creating the placecards, favor tags, and table numbers for the wedding.  It was fun to be able to use my creative talents for such a good cause.  :) I'll be sure to share photos.

We also head to Omaha on Saturday morning for the Olympic Trials.  Like 8:30 am flight.  As of right now, the plan is that I won't sleep until we get on the plane.  We'll see.  I need to pack for 10 days away from home by Thursday since Friday will be all about the wedding.  Yikes!  Wish me luck!

Father's Day Revelations

It's no secret that Mother's Day is hard for those of us who've battled infertility and dealt with miscarriage.  The weeks leading up to Mother's Day are full of constant reminders of the sunshine and rainbows that motherhood is supposed to be.  Chris has always been supportive of my dislike of the holiday, but I always felt like he thought it was a little silly. 

It's also no secret that men and women go through the stages of infertility grief at different stages.  We've been on this path for more than a decade, and I can probably count on one hand the number of times we've been on exactly the same place emotionally.  In the early days, we were miles apart and it often caused all sorts of conflicts.  Now. we're in the same town- even the same block. 

Chris has always been the strong one.  I know that he stays strong for me and has been incredibly supportive of me when I've been in a bad place.  He is my rock.

Sometimes I forget that my rock also has cracks.  Yesterday, he let me see some of those cracks for just a moment.  It made my heart ache and swell all at the same time.  I sent him an email of a link of a blog post of an adoptive father that just made me tear up.  I told him in the email NOT to read it on the pool deck (he was at a swim meet) but of course he did.  He also spent most of the meet working with our junior swimmers- the littlest ones on the team.  I could tell he was in a funk when he came home.  Of course it took three times of asking "What's wrong?" to get him to tell me.  :)

Later we were watching TV and there was a Father's Day commercial for Di.ck's Sportingoods.  It showed a dad as a football player and then his kid as he grew up wearing the same number.  It made me tear up, and at that moment I got it.  Father's day sucks as much for Chris as the other holiday does for me. 

And you know what, it makes my heart ache knowing how much Chris wants to be a dad.  I've always known it, but it just hit me like a ton of bricks this week.  Please let there be a day very soon when Chris can celebrate Father's Day as the world's greatest dad that I know he will be.

Thoughts from TLC's "Birthmoms" *edited*

I've had this post swirling in my head for several weeks now.  Did anyone see the show Birthmoms on TLC?  If you didn't, I am sure they are running repeats.  In case you can't drop everything and find it,  the basis is that they followed three expectant mothers who were working with an agency in Utah.  All three women had been moved to Utah to furnished apartments by the agency and were "followed" as their pregnancies progressed and they went through the process of choosing and placing with an adoptive family.

I actually watched the show twice- once alone and once with Chris.  I wanted him to see I could discuss it with him.  We had some good conversation, but I still feel the need to talk about it more.  That's what this post is all about.  :) I am still VERY "new" when it comes to adoption topics and discussion, so please bear with me. 

First off, I don't know how I feel about the expectant moms being moved across the country in order to give birth and place.  While I see the value of being able to provide shelter, food, and medical support all in one place for the agency's sake, there's just something that just doesn't sit right with me.  I know that there are other agencies that do this as well, and I am not attacking those agencies by any means.  I am just saying that I don't feel that is something *I* would be comfortable with as a hopeful adoptive mother.  While it seems that the girls came from not so great situations back home, I still felt for them when it came time for them to give birth and they had nobody that was just there for them.  Yes, the agency sent someone to be with them, but that just doesn't seem the same to me.  All three women decided to place and I wonder if they felt any sense of obligation given the situation?  Anyone have any thoughts on this? 

Secondly, I felt that this piece portrayed the expectant mothers in a negative light.  I also felt that the show will continue to perpetrate negative stereotypes of birthmothers.  I was disheartened when one of the women chose to drink and smoke through her pregnancy. They did show the OB talking to her about it.  While I know this is a reality for some situations, it isn't the choice that every mother makes.  They did show one of the other women sharing her distaste for the first woman's behavior and even had her talking about it in her "group" therapy session at the agency. 

The process that one of the women chose her adoptive family has probably been the biggest thing I've been trying to wrap my mind around.  While I know she is only one woman, and every woman goes through their own process, it made me question everything.  We've been waiting for a long time... but officially our profile has been active since October.  That's 8 months for those who are counting.  I am starting to wonder if I need to rework our profile.  I hung on every word this woman said.  She wanted pictures- but not too many.  She didn't want to read too much.  She wanted a family where her child wouldn't stand out.  Her baby is bi-racial and at one point she commented that she hadn't seen any African American couples in the profiles the agency gave her. She couldn't explain what she wanted in a family, but said she would know it when she saw it. 

She looked at many profiles and even met with one family.  She said she didn't feel it was the right fit with the first family.  She later wanted to go back to that family and by then they had been chosen by another mother.  She ended up choosing a family last minute- which all along she said she didn't want to do but had no choice.  She chose a family that had three biological children- all three blond haired and blue eyed- the very thing she said initially she was against.  It left me so very confused.

I can not even begin to imagine how every woman who places for adoption makes her choice of family.  I just wish there was some way that I could connect with the woman who is looking to place with a family like ours.  All three women who placed on this show chose a family who already has children.  That makes my heart break.  Again, I don't mean any disrespect to those who are adding to their families through adoption.  Everyone has a path they have followed.  I know this sounds horrible to say, and I cringe as I even type it.  I just wish that those of us who don't have children and who have spent years patiently (ok, maybe not so patiently) waiting would be chosen first.  I know that's not how the real world works, and I know that secondary infertility is heartbreaking.  But my heart just wants there to be some sense of fairness to any of this.

When we started I thought that the fact that we didn't have children would work in our favor when an expectant parent looked at our profile.  Now I am starting to feel that it is in fact the exact opposite.  It stings- it's like all of the wounds of our infertility are opening a little each time I hear of someone who was chosen specifically because they already have a child and the woman is looking to place so their child will have a sibling.  This was the exact reason we were not chosen in the last situation our attorney came to us with.  (Ok, so I may be taking this a little too personal from the show, but work with me...)

Anyone have any thoughts?  Also, if you'd be so inclined to take a look at our official adoption profile, I'd love to get some feedback too.  You can find it if you go to  chrisandpatience com (replace the spaces with dots)  Our paper profile can be downloaded from the home page. 

Stay tuned for my thoughts on Te.en Mo.m  Yes, I spent an entire day watching the marathon of all the episodes.

**Just wanted to say THANK YOU to everyone who has taken the time to look at our profile and shared your thoughts.  Many of your ideas have been nagging me as well- so you've given me the inspiration to start reworking our website and profile in the coming days.  THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart. **

Weekend Celebrations

Thank you all for your words of comfort and support.  I have another post in mind that I need to write soon, but I wanted to share a positive post first.  My goal is to have a better balance here.  My life is full of lots of amazing and wonderful things.  Sometimes I wonder what those of you who "know" me only through this blog must think.  This is the place I can say (write) things I can't anywhere else.  So, all too often, this becomes a place to vent and dwell on the struggles.  While that has always been the purpose of this blog, I also want to be able to look back once we have our miracle child and remember what our life was like- the good parts as well as the not so good parts. 

I was so blessed to be part of my good friend's bachelorette party this weekend.  Honestly, this was my very first one!  I married young, and it just wasn't as common among my group of friends as they got married.  I've been invited to a few for co-workers, but I always felt that I was too old- or we were in the middle of a treatment cycle.  At let's face it- it's really not much fun to explain why you aren't drinking at a bachelorette party.  There's so much promise and hope for the bride at that point- nobody wants to hear about what happens when you can't have your happily ever after family as planned.  So- I jumped on this chance to celebrate my good friend and coworker since I could in fact partake in ALL of the festivities.  And I sure did!  :)

Of course, two of the bridesmaids are pregnant.  As in, not even married one year and BAM, pregnant.  Thankfully that wasn't too much of the focus of the weekend.  It also helped that each bar we went to offered free shots for the party- and there were always two extra- and often I was the one who took the extra one!  :)  There was some crazy college cheerleading training camp going on at our hotel as well.  Let's just say that our little bachelorette party was rather mild compared to the parties in most of the hotel! 

We spent Saturday walking around the little town and then at the Spa.  Of course I would end up with a pregnant massage technician- but at least my eyes were closed the entire time!  LOL.  It was a good massage, but not as good as the one I had during our girls weekend at the same spa.  This is a nice spa with a whirlpool/sauna/steam room in the locker room.  So we spent lots of quality time just hanging out there. 

I left on Saturday after the spa and the party continued without me.  :)  Chris and I attended the graduation party for two of our swimmers.  We are very close to the family and it was important for us to attend.  We had a great night with our swim team family celebrating.  I continued my "festivities" from the night before.  :)  I also managed to fall down the steps while I was there- all before I had a single beverage.  I have nice bruises to show for that adventure today!

I am struggling today.  I had to get up for summer school this morning and it was a battle of the mind over the body to say the least.  Remember when we were young and you could celebrate for days and bounce right back?  I fear it is going to take me all week to recover! 

While I am dragging today, I smile every time I think about the adventures of the weekend.  My life is blessed.  Good friends and good times are abundant. 

Here is one very blurry iphone photo from the night.  It makes me smile each and every time I look at it! Our director of Special Services got married in the same town we were in.  We had to sneak a peek and this photo was taken at the fountain near her wedding venue.  It was pretty late at this point- and I am pretty amazed we looked this good!  :)

Exhale

Sorry that I've been MIA.  The end of the school year is always crazy and I am happy to say that I made it to the end in one piece.  I am so thankful that the school year is over.  One of the blessings of teaching is that there is an end.  Every rough class, every rough year, every rough experience is over once the school year comes to a close.  (On the flip- every great class also leaves after a year.)

The sense of relief I am feeling is unbelievable.  While the students were especially challenging this year, it was also a tough year for me personally.  We're still in adoption limbo- I am trying so hard to keep the hope.  We've been told over and over what an "ideal" couple we are.  I honestly thought that we'd finally be on a smooth path to parenthood and that we would be on the fast track.  Just once, we had hoped that things would fall into place for us.

And yet, here we are more than a year waiting.  We haven't had a serious "lead" (I really hate that term, but not sure how else to phrase it) in several months.  My heart is heavy with longing.  I am trying hard to keep my jealousy/why not me monster in check.  Of course last night I was looking at our attorney's website of waiting families, and noticed at least three couples who signed AFTER us that are now parents.  Now, I know that there is no sense of order to this and that the right woman is out there for us.  I'm just so tired of waiting.

We had several people contact us recently about a local situation through a national agency.  They were looking for a family for a newborn with down syndrome and a significant heart defect.  My heart leapt when I read the first email, but I know in my heart of hearts that this was not the right situation for us.   We literally had four different people email about this situation. 

My head is full of thoughts about this and our adoption process in general.  I can't seem to find the right words to express it right now.  I've typed and erased line after line.  The bottom line- I'm feeling a little hopeless and conflicted and excited and sad and frustrated and so much more.

AF showed up on Memorial Day- which means I've now had two "normalish" cycles of 32-34 days.  That's just unheard of for this PCOS/RPL gal.  And isn't it crazy that a tiny part of me was actually sad when AF showed up? I don't know what is going on with my body though- my hormones seem to be a hot mess all around.  I've been exhausted and weepy.  Hormones?  Or just the stress of everything?

I am really looking forward to the slower pace of summer.  While I feel that I can breathe again with school being over, I also feel like I am holding my breath in terms of our adoption.  I am hoping I will finally be able to exhale soon- that finally it will be our turn in all of this. 

Beautiful Young Adults

I thought about posting about Mother's Day today and all the emotions I have rolling on in my head.

But I decided that I am not going to do that.  

Instead, I am going to share with you some photos that were taken last night.  Chris and I were honored to be invited to the pre-prom party for some of our swimmers.  I honestly got a little teary when I saw these amazing kids all dressed up for their prom.  We've known a few of these kids since they were 8- and all of them for the past five years.  We've seen them grow into such beautiful young adults- inside and out.  We've been blessed to be a part of their lives outside of the pool.  We've been welcomed into their families and been able to help nurture their spirits as well as their bodies in the pool.  We hope that one day our own children will be as successful, kind, intelligent, driven, and amazing as these young adults.

Two of these boys will be swimming at the Olympic Trials next month!  Their parents have become like family to us.  They've supported us in so many ways along our adoption journey and can't wait to spoil our child as their kids move onto college!

The famous pose these boys have to do with Chris.  I'm not even sure when it started or why.  We have this pose in just about every possible situation... but this is the first one in tuxedos!

Just a few of the beautiful ladies we've come to know through the crazy world of swimming.  It has been such an honor to see them grow and become beautiful inside and out!

Chris and Allie- We've known this young woman since she was a scrawny 8 year old.  She has blossomed into a such an amazing young woman. Thankful we've got one more year before she heads off to college.  Can't wait to see what her future holds! (And yes, it was a little chilly outside....)

 We are so very blessed.  While I am sad that we don't have the relationship we'd hoped for with our biological families, we are so thankful for the extended family we have with our swimmers and their families.  Another one of our former swimmers graduates from the University of Illinois today and several others in the coming weeks.  While it breaks my heart to know that we're still waiting for the opportunity to become parents. we are so proud to be a part of these young lives each and every day.  We also know that our future child will be loved by so many and can't wait to share the life experiences with our extended family. 

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Nothing new to report on my last post.  I haven't done anything to get an answer.  Decided this weekend wasn't the time.  More on that later. 

Damn Little Voice

Just when I posted I am in a better place.... and now I have myself worked into a little bit of a crazy frenzy.  I am all good... it's just my mind racing and hopefully playing tricks on me.  I've only verbalized this craziness to Chris.

The girls appear to be "growing" as in swelling.... as in OMG not again. 

My last AF lasted exactly two days.  TWO days. That was two weeks ago. 

I'm having crazy dreams.  Like one where I was a clone and my real body had died and I was relieved I no longer had a functioning uterus.  (Let's not even start to psychoanalyze that!) 

I am exhausted.  I've had some strange heartburn and hiccups.  I feel like crying at kleenex commercials.  And every. single. mother's. day. commercial.

I tested last week.  Right after AF.  (Who does that?!)  It was a clear negative.

So why the hell do I have a little voice in my head right now?

Oh yeah... remember last May? When I discovered I was miscarrying before I really even knew I was pregnant.  And then there was December when I learned I was pregnant again.  This time we played the hope roullette until February when we learned that we no longer had a heartbeat and I had a d&c. I've had the little voice in my head both of those times.

Now, I also seem to have some serious CM today- which would be right on time for me to be ovulating.  So, just maybe I am having a normal cycle.  I've been on the crappy egg supplements for a few months now.  (I'll post about that soon too...)

It's the end of the school year.  Our big International Fair is tomorrow.  This is the culminating activity for 6th grade and has pretty much been all we've worked on since Spring Break.  Life is crazy intense with my students.  Three of the eight had major meltdowns this week. So it really could all just be stress, right?  There's also that pesky holiday on Sunday that is looming.

So please say a little prayer, mantra, anything that I can keep my sanity.  Please let this not be a repeat of May and December.  I'm just not ready yet.  My heart can't handle another miscarriage. 

Please let the little voice in my head be wrong...