I Might be Crazy

So I am making myself a little nuts... but isn't that what all infertiles do? 

Let's review the facts:

• We've been TTC for 10 years, 7 months. 
• We've had "perfect" cycles end in BFN- even with CGH normal embryos and a textbook lining
• My last cycle was our first ever BFP- but that was with an entire medicine cabinet of meds and 2 good looking embryos
• I've only had one "surprise" positive while I was on BCPs in 2002
• My cycles are all over the place- 20 days or 100 days- it's a gamble each cycle

So today is CD 38.  I had PMS like symptoms two weeks ago- mood swings and such. Thought for sure AF was going to show.  Nothing. No sign of anything. 

In comes the crazy vivid dreams.  Like wake you up in the middle of the night going, "huh?" kind of dreams.  Last time I had these... yep, was when I was pg.

And then my "girls" started hurting.  I mean really hurting.  Like they did with the BFP.  And I am exhausted. All. The. Time.

But this could all be in my head.  It most probably is.  Or it could be some other medical issue revving up in my body, who knows?!

I have pain in my right ovary too.  Probably a big mother of a cyst in there.  It's about time for one of those PCOS lovelies to show up.  Too bad I don't have a clue what is going on in there, and don't have any plans of calling up the RE just for a customary, "please check my ovary" ultrasounds.

It's times like this that I wish I could just have all of my reproductive organs removed.  They aren't working, so let's just evict them all.  Then I wouldn't have to even think about things like this.

So I will POAS tomorrow.  Hopefully that will bring on AF and I can move on. 

Please no "It could happen" comments tonight.  I know that it could happen.  That's what keeps me on this crazy roller coaster.  I really just want to get off.  And as long as I have ovaries and a uterus, I guess this is going to happen.  (No, I don't have any crazy ideas of really getting an elective hysterectomy, but you have to admit that it does have some merits for consideration!)

One more thing- it was exactly one year ago today that we learned that our first "perfect" transfer ended up with a BFN.  That couldn't have anything to do with my mood tonight, could it?!

Enough rambling for tonight...

The Snowpocolypse of 2011

As I am sure all of you are aware, we've just had a little snow storm here in Chicagoland.

Ok, so maybe it was more than a little storm- it was the third largest in the history of Chicago weather.  We have 4+ foot drifts of snow in our yard.  The entire northern part of Illinois is considered a disaster area.  Yesterday our county was under "civil emergency" which means nobody could be out driving.  Which would have been a feat in of itself considering that most streets weren't even plowed until the afternoon anyway. 

This storm was predicted.  But we all thought it was just the weather people building up the hype. 

It lived up to the hype.  And then some. 

Thought I would share a few of my favorite photos from yesterday.  For those of you in warm climates, aren't you jealous?!

That's a YARD stick!  This is one drift outside our front door.

Chris' Chrysler 300.  I guess it really is aerodynamic!

My SUV under a blanket of snow.  Yep, even it needed help to move!

Romeo LOVES the snow.  Here he is clearing a path so I can walk to Grandma's house.

My HERO- Seriously, it was nuts!  Way too much snow to shovel, but he did it!

Today is my second snow day in a row.  Loving being home.  Hoping to have some creative time today instead of worrying about the work left for me at school.  It will still be there, right?

Trigger Dates

The year ahead is full of what I consider trigger dates.  These are dates that mark a moment in time that is heavy with emotion.  2010 shook my life to its core and I can sense that there will be many aftershocks in 2011.

I fear that tomorrow will be the first such date.  I've been feeling out of sorts for the past week.  This is always a stressful time in our home and work lives.  I am also on CD #28, so I am thinking I am also dealing with the effects of PMS.  I have been sick for a month with a cold that just seems to keep on coming back.  Feeling overwhelmed.  But then it hit me... tomorrow will be January 29th.  It will mark one year since our first FET at CCRM.  We were just so VERY hopeful and so sure our dreams were finally going to come true.  (You can read about it here) 

I wish I could do it over.  I wish I could go back to the hopefulness we felt. 

But it didn't end as we had hoped.  It ended so badly, that it still hurts.  It really hurts.  I can still feel the sting of hope being ripped from our hearts. 

We are healing, but there are days where it just hits me.  I find myself suddenly recalling details from last January and I realize I am holding my breath.  I am trying to find the strength to exhale.

And sometimes the exhaling comes with tears.

I am trying to be aware of these trigger dates, and allow myself to feel whatever they bring.

That's one step in the healing process, right?

One date down, many more to come.

Hoping that 2011 brings days to celebrate, too.

Breaking up with Treatment

Our social worker rescheduled my interview that was scheduled for tonight, so no adoption homestudy update today.  I've literally made myself sick thinking about the interview, and now I have to wait at least another week- but that's another post...  I am not feeling great, so I really don't mind that it was rescheduled. 
 
For those who've read my blog in recent months, know that I am having a hard time walking away from treatment cold turkey.  We got so close with our last cycle. I got pregnant for the first time ever.  Even our RE feels we should give it one more try.  But that is not where we are going.  We need to move onto other avenues for now.  I need to breakup with treatment.

My grief over stepping away from treatment has been the topic of many therapy sessions over the past few months.  It was my therapist who made the analogy between walking away from treatment and breaking up with a boyfriend.  Since I married my high school sweetheart, I really don't have much experience with the whole breakup thing.  Maybe that explains why I am having such a hard time.

Treatment is really all I've known for the past decade.  In many ways it feels safe.  I know what to expect- both the good and the bad.  I know all the players.  I know when to expect the pain and heartache.  My expectations have lowered over the years as I learned not to hope for much.  Let's face it, I've been burned by treatment time and time again.  I need to walk away.

I am finding myself longing to be back in treatment, and reading the blogs of those who are still cycling.  It just makes me sad, but I want to follow those who have been so very supportive of me along the way.  It's like the dilemma of what to do about the friends you share with an ex-boyfriend.  It's not their fault that you broke up and you still value their friendship.  I am working to find the balance that feels right to me.  I can't simply walk away from reading the blogs of those I've come to care about while we were all in treatment. 

I am working on embracing our new path and trying to replace some of my treatment obsessions with learning about adoption.  I'm trying to add adoption blogs to my reader to balance my need to follow those still in treatment.  I have yet to find an adoption forum to support me as much as IVFConnections did for me when we were in treatment.

A new relationship is exciting- as long as you have made your peace with the breakup.  I am getting there.  I think I will always hold treatment as a special place in my heart, and hope that someday we can be reunited.  But for now, we need to breakup so that I can move onto our new relationship with adoption.

Trying to allow myself to deal with the feelings.  It still feels raw at times, and I think I have been hard on myself.  It's hard to end a 10 year relationship and not have grief and regret.

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Adding onto my glum mood today is the fact that not one, but two high school friends had babies today.  I am thrilled for both of them, but a little piece of my heart breaks off each time someone experiences the birth of a child.  I'm coming to terms with the idea that I will never have that experience.   One of the friend's moms wrote "I love the miracle of birth, God is good."  Just a dagger to the heart of an infertile girl.

January ICLW

Welcome to my little piece of the virtual world.

For those of you here for the first time, you can see our general story by looking at our timeline tab above.  We've endured 10 years of infertility and most recently suffered a miscarriage after a miracle BFP from our final FET at CC.RM.  We've now decided to head down the domestic adoption path and are in the process of completing our homestudy.  We're about half way through the process right now and hoping to be certified by Spring Break.

I am spending tonight and tomorrow morning at the swim meet my husband's swim team is hosting.  Hoping to have some down time while there to read and comment, otherwise I will be catching up on Sunday.  We're also diehard Chicago Bears fans here, so things are a little tense leading up to Sunday's game.  We live on the IL/WI border and let's just say that the ONLY topic of conversation these days is who will win on Sunday! 

I am a special education teacher whose heart wishes I could find a way to pay the bills with my creative talents, but for now it is just a hobby.  I do love my job and have a great group of students this year.  Most of our time is spent with other people's children which can be a mixed blessing.  We really hope that we will be able to give our talents to our own child in the very near future.

I hope you are all having a wonderful day!

Interview Complete

Chris said his interview went fine.  The Social worker was here less than an hour total. Chris didn't feel any of the questions were really obtrusive, so I guess that is a good thing, right? Romeo was an arse for the first part, but was pacified with a bone and then a tennis ball.  I still think I will make a puppy play date for him next week when she comes for my interview- just for my sanity!  (We really need to look into getting a dog trainer, but that just hasn't been on the top of our list lately)

Thank you for all of your sweet comments on my last post.  I simply adore this woman, and am heartbroken that we are in this limbo right now.  Twice today we were alone in a room together, and neither of us dared to broach the subject.  I know it will come out when the timing is right.  So for now, we will continue to dance around the elephant that seems to come into the room with the two of us! 

I have to admit that it is so nice to come home to a really clean home!  I just wish it wasn't so hard to keep it this way! I have a meeting all day tomorrow so I didn't really bring much work home with me tonight either.  I think I might just try to have a little creative time!  I took photos of the cards we made at our girls weekend.  I will be sure to post those soon, too.

I hope you are all having a fabulous day!

The elephant in the hotel room

First off, I would like to thank Mel over at Stirrup Queens for including me in last week's Friday blog round up.  I am truly honored!  The post she wrote about was this one that I wrote last week about the tough feelings of being a long time IF vet.  Thank you for all of your comments on that post as well.  It was a really hard post to write, but in the end it was very therapeutic.  I have learned over the years that the best way for me to personally work through my feelings is to write them out.  This blog has been the forum for the past several years.  So thank you to all who read and comment.  It reminds me that I am not alone.

I had an absolutely fabulous weekend with the girls.  We shared lots of laughs, food, and wine.  Saturday was spent at the luxurious spa at the resort.  This was my first real experience at a spa like this, and I am hooked!  We enjoyed pedicures and then lounged in the whirlpool, steam room, and the pool.  We were even served mimosas. It was a great experience and I can't wait to do it again.  I am so lucky to work with such great women.

One challenge of the weekend was realizing that one of the girls is most likely pregnant.  She is one of my closest friends, and I talked her through her first injectibles/IUI cycle in December.  I know she had her beta on Christmas Eve, but we've never talked about the result.  It's that weird place where the long time infertile and the new infertile can't really meet.  I despise the fact that she has to feel bad about sharing her good news with me, even though I talked her through every step of the way up to her beta.  I went over her bloodwork and helped her make sense of her results & medication instructions.  It goes both ways, I can't get the courage to ask her, and she doesn't seem to want to tell me.  We've had plenty of opportunities- it just hasn't happened.  Now, I could be way off here, but the signs are all there.  She didn't have a drop of alcohol the entire weekend (and there was much of it to go around...) and she slept almost all of the weekend.  She didn't do the spa with us either and was sick at one point.  She also got up at the exact same time each morning and there was a crinone wrapper in the garbage. So, I think I am right on here. 

I don't think anyone else even had a clue.  I couldn't share my feelings or even disclose my thoughts to the other girls there.  I tried hard not to think about it, but the thoughts would creep back in.  I would start calculating how far along she would be.  I almost started tearing up when I realized she must be farther along than I ever made it before my miscarriage.  I have to admit that part of me is a little jealous.  Jealous that she is pregnant.  Jealous that it only took one treatment cycle.  Jealous that she will get to feel what it means to be pregnant.  But I am working through those feelings.  I may not ever know what it means to be pregnant, but I will know what it means to be a mom.

So for now, we will continue on dancing around the topic.  I don't think I am going to bring it up.  I think she knows that I know- but I don't think either of us is ready to talk about it. 

Chris has his interview with the social worker tomorrow.  Please have good thoughts that Romeo behaves and that the house stays somewhat clean.  I am trying hard not to worry about the interview.  I wish I was going first, but the timing worked out for Chris to go first.  I started to coach him, but I decided to just let him be himself.  He charmed me, so I am hoping he will do the same with the social worker!