Welcome to my little piece of the virtual world.
For those of you here for the first time, you can see our general story by looking at our timeline tab above. We've endured 10 years of infertility and most recently suffered a miscarriage after a miracle BFP from our final FET at CC.RM. We've now decided to head down the domestic adoption path and are in the process of completing our homestudy. We're about half way through the process right now and hoping to be certified by Spring Break.
I am spending tonight and tomorrow morning at the swim meet my husband's swim team is hosting. Hoping to have some down time while there to read and comment, otherwise I will be catching up on Sunday. We're also diehard Chicago Bears fans here, so things are a little tense leading up to Sunday's game. We live on the IL/WI border and let's just say that the ONLY topic of conversation these days is who will win on Sunday!
I am a special education teacher whose heart wishes I could find a way to pay the bills with my creative talents, but for now it is just a hobby. I do love my job and have a great group of students this year. Most of our time is spent with other people's children which can be a mixed blessing. We really hope that we will be able to give our talents to our own child in the very near future.
I hope you are all having a wonderful day!
Friday, January 21, 2011
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Interview Complete
Chris said his interview went fine. The Social worker was here less than an hour total. Chris didn't feel any of the questions were really obtrusive, so I guess that is a good thing, right? Romeo was an arse for the first part, but was pacified with a bone and then a tennis ball. I still think I will make a puppy play date for him next week when she comes for my interview- just for my sanity! (We really need to look into getting a dog trainer, but that just hasn't been on the top of our list lately)
Thank you for all of your sweet comments on my last post. I simply adore this woman, and am heartbroken that we are in this limbo right now. Twice today we were alone in a room together, and neither of us dared to broach the subject. I know it will come out when the timing is right. So for now, we will continue to dance around the elephant that seems to come into the room with the two of us!
I have to admit that it is so nice to come home to a really clean home! I just wish it wasn't so hard to keep it this way! I have a meeting all day tomorrow so I didn't really bring much work home with me tonight either. I think I might just try to have a little creative time! I took photos of the cards we made at our girls weekend. I will be sure to post those soon, too.
I hope you are all having a fabulous day!
Thank you for all of your sweet comments on my last post. I simply adore this woman, and am heartbroken that we are in this limbo right now. Twice today we were alone in a room together, and neither of us dared to broach the subject. I know it will come out when the timing is right. So for now, we will continue to dance around the elephant that seems to come into the room with the two of us!
I have to admit that it is so nice to come home to a really clean home! I just wish it wasn't so hard to keep it this way! I have a meeting all day tomorrow so I didn't really bring much work home with me tonight either. I think I might just try to have a little creative time! I took photos of the cards we made at our girls weekend. I will be sure to post those soon, too.
I hope you are all having a fabulous day!
Monday, January 17, 2011
The elephant in the hotel room
First off, I would like to thank Mel over at Stirrup Queens for including me in last week's Friday blog round up. I am truly honored! The post she wrote about was this one that I wrote last week about the tough feelings of being a long time IF vet. Thank you for all of your comments on that post as well. It was a really hard post to write, but in the end it was very therapeutic. I have learned over the years that the best way for me to personally work through my feelings is to write them out. This blog has been the forum for the past several years. So thank you to all who read and comment. It reminds me that I am not alone.
I had an absolutely fabulous weekend with the girls. We shared lots of laughs, food, and wine. Saturday was spent at the luxurious spa at the resort. This was my first real experience at a spa like this, and I am hooked! We enjoyed pedicures and then lounged in the whirlpool, steam room, and the pool. We were even served mimosas. It was a great experience and I can't wait to do it again. I am so lucky to work with such great women.
One challenge of the weekend was realizing that one of the girls is most likely pregnant. She is one of my closest friends, and I talked her through her first injectibles/IUI cycle in December. I know she had her beta on Christmas Eve, but we've never talked about the result. It's that weird place where the long time infertile and the new infertile can't really meet. I despise the fact that she has to feel bad about sharing her good news with me, even though I talked her through every step of the way up to her beta. I went over her bloodwork and helped her make sense of her results & medication instructions. It goes both ways, I can't get the courage to ask her, and she doesn't seem to want to tell me. We've had plenty of opportunities- it just hasn't happened. Now, I could be way off here, but the signs are all there. She didn't have a drop of alcohol the entire weekend (and there was much of it to go around...) and she slept almost all of the weekend. She didn't do the spa with us either and was sick at one point. She also got up at the exact same time each morning and there was a crinone wrapper in the garbage. So, I think I am right on here.
I don't think anyone else even had a clue. I couldn't share my feelings or even disclose my thoughts to the other girls there. I tried hard not to think about it, but the thoughts would creep back in. I would start calculating how far along she would be. I almost started tearing up when I realized she must be farther along than I ever made it before my miscarriage. I have to admit that part of me is a little jealous. Jealous that she is pregnant. Jealous that it only took one treatment cycle. Jealous that she will get to feel what it means to be pregnant. But I am working through those feelings. I may not ever know what it means to be pregnant, but I will know what it means to be a mom.
So for now, we will continue on dancing around the topic. I don't think I am going to bring it up. I think she knows that I know- but I don't think either of us is ready to talk about it.
Chris has his interview with the social worker tomorrow. Please have good thoughts that Romeo behaves and that the house stays somewhat clean. I am trying hard not to worry about the interview. I wish I was going first, but the timing worked out for Chris to go first. I started to coach him, but I decided to just let him be himself. He charmed me, so I am hoping he will do the same with the social worker!
I had an absolutely fabulous weekend with the girls. We shared lots of laughs, food, and wine. Saturday was spent at the luxurious spa at the resort. This was my first real experience at a spa like this, and I am hooked! We enjoyed pedicures and then lounged in the whirlpool, steam room, and the pool. We were even served mimosas. It was a great experience and I can't wait to do it again. I am so lucky to work with such great women.
One challenge of the weekend was realizing that one of the girls is most likely pregnant. She is one of my closest friends, and I talked her through her first injectibles/IUI cycle in December. I know she had her beta on Christmas Eve, but we've never talked about the result. It's that weird place where the long time infertile and the new infertile can't really meet. I despise the fact that she has to feel bad about sharing her good news with me, even though I talked her through every step of the way up to her beta. I went over her bloodwork and helped her make sense of her results & medication instructions. It goes both ways, I can't get the courage to ask her, and she doesn't seem to want to tell me. We've had plenty of opportunities- it just hasn't happened. Now, I could be way off here, but the signs are all there. She didn't have a drop of alcohol the entire weekend (and there was much of it to go around...) and she slept almost all of the weekend. She didn't do the spa with us either and was sick at one point. She also got up at the exact same time each morning and there was a crinone wrapper in the garbage. So, I think I am right on here.
I don't think anyone else even had a clue. I couldn't share my feelings or even disclose my thoughts to the other girls there. I tried hard not to think about it, but the thoughts would creep back in. I would start calculating how far along she would be. I almost started tearing up when I realized she must be farther along than I ever made it before my miscarriage. I have to admit that part of me is a little jealous. Jealous that she is pregnant. Jealous that it only took one treatment cycle. Jealous that she will get to feel what it means to be pregnant. But I am working through those feelings. I may not ever know what it means to be pregnant, but I will know what it means to be a mom.
So for now, we will continue on dancing around the topic. I don't think I am going to bring it up. I think she knows that I know- but I don't think either of us is ready to talk about it.
Chris has his interview with the social worker tomorrow. Please have good thoughts that Romeo behaves and that the house stays somewhat clean. I am trying hard not to worry about the interview. I wish I was going first, but the timing worked out for Chris to go first. I started to coach him, but I decided to just let him be himself. He charmed me, so I am hoping he will do the same with the social worker!
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Snow... a love/hate relationship
We haven't really had our typical amount of snow here in Chicagoland this winter. We've only had two real storms before the one today. We actually had no snow on the ground for the past few weeks- which is a little strange at this point of the year.
I really love snow... in December and maybe even through January. I love it even more when we get a snow day out of it. That's one of the true perks of being a teacher! (As a side note, I do think it is ironic that my friends in the south have had several snow days this year while we haven't even come close to one!) I love how it makes everything look bright and pretty- even the ugliest of trees and homes looks pretty with a fresh coat of snow.
But the hate comes in on days like today. (I know hate is a strong word, but it fits here, ok?) I had to drive into school in the midst of the storm- because it just wasn't enough to merit a snow day, but enough to make the roads slick. We haven't had much snow, so people seem to forget how to drive in it. The worst offenders are those who are OVERLY cautious! I also had the pleasure of shoveling the driveway since Chris wasn't able to do it today. I could have left it- but then it just becomes treacherous because he never seems to be able to do it. I am thinking we really need to invest in a snowblower! So I am sore and still reeling from a nasty cold. Not thinking this is going to be a smart move on my part, but we'll see.
And I get to spend tomorrow on a field trip with 200 6th graders at a Chicago Wolves Hockey game. Good times!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In other news, we really haven't done anything on the adoption front. I am working on the website and had a little one on one tutorial with my favorite tech gal today after school. I am planning to work on it over the next week or so. We need to make the big decision about the 800 number and also interview a few adoption attorneys. If anyone has recommendations for adoption attorneys in the Chicago area, I'd love to hear them!
Looking forward to a girls weekend starting Friday. Spending the weekend with friends from work at the Spa and lounging around. Putting together a little craft project for us to do, too. Need to make that up tonight. Hoping that a little creative time will ease my hatred towards the snow!
I really love snow... in December and maybe even through January. I love it even more when we get a snow day out of it. That's one of the true perks of being a teacher! (As a side note, I do think it is ironic that my friends in the south have had several snow days this year while we haven't even come close to one!) I love how it makes everything look bright and pretty- even the ugliest of trees and homes looks pretty with a fresh coat of snow.
But the hate comes in on days like today. (I know hate is a strong word, but it fits here, ok?) I had to drive into school in the midst of the storm- because it just wasn't enough to merit a snow day, but enough to make the roads slick. We haven't had much snow, so people seem to forget how to drive in it. The worst offenders are those who are OVERLY cautious! I also had the pleasure of shoveling the driveway since Chris wasn't able to do it today. I could have left it- but then it just becomes treacherous because he never seems to be able to do it. I am thinking we really need to invest in a snowblower! So I am sore and still reeling from a nasty cold. Not thinking this is going to be a smart move on my part, but we'll see.
And I get to spend tomorrow on a field trip with 200 6th graders at a Chicago Wolves Hockey game. Good times!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In other news, we really haven't done anything on the adoption front. I am working on the website and had a little one on one tutorial with my favorite tech gal today after school. I am planning to work on it over the next week or so. We need to make the big decision about the 800 number and also interview a few adoption attorneys. If anyone has recommendations for adoption attorneys in the Chicago area, I'd love to hear them!
Looking forward to a girls weekend starting Friday. Spending the weekend with friends from work at the Spa and lounging around. Putting together a little craft project for us to do, too. Need to make that up tonight. Hoping that a little creative time will ease my hatred towards the snow!
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Last One Standing
I've spent the last week reading all three books of The Hunger Games trilogy. This is a young adult series that is all the rage with the middle/high school set as well as adults. I have a few kids attempting to read the first one, so I decided to read it over break. I quickly finished it and had to get the next two. Needless to say, the books have a way of pulling you in.
I don't want to give too much away in case you want to read them (or see the movie, I hear that there is one in the works) but I will give you the main concept of the first book. Two children from each district are chosen to fight in the annual Hunger Games where they have to face crazy challenges and eventually fight to the death. The last one standing is the victor. In the end, being the victor isn't all it's made up to be. But the victor is a survivor. The victor is forever changed from the experience.
Lately, I've been feeling like that victor. The last one standing. However, it's not that everyone else has died, but has gone on to become parents. They've gotten out of the games. We've all endured the challenges that years of infertility brings. They may not include poisonous gas or bees that cause hallucinations, but the lasting scars can be just as deep. While the other have gotten out of the games, I know that they are forever changed from the process.
I've had some moments of sadness over the past few days realizing that I may very well be the last one standing once again. My heart is full of joy for those who have found their way out. I am trying hard to find hope in their successes, knowing that means that it could happen for me. We've started our new journey and I am trying to be oh so hopeful that our day will come. I just need to change my strategy.
With adoption, there are things in my control, things I can be doing. I am feeling rather overwhelmed right now. We also need to wait until Chris gets his coaching check in order to make any decisions that also require money. It's frustrating once again to be stuck because of finances. It's only temporary, of course. But I want to move forward more than anything. So for now, I will do what I can and take care of the things that aren't out of my control.
For those of you reading who have made their way out, please know that I am truly THRILLED for you! I debated about this post, but know that I created this blog as a way to work out my feelings. I don't really have anyone in my "real" life who gets it like all of you. Please know this isn't a "poor me" post, but just my feelings at this time.
I don't want to give too much away in case you want to read them (or see the movie, I hear that there is one in the works) but I will give you the main concept of the first book. Two children from each district are chosen to fight in the annual Hunger Games where they have to face crazy challenges and eventually fight to the death. The last one standing is the victor. In the end, being the victor isn't all it's made up to be. But the victor is a survivor. The victor is forever changed from the experience.
Lately, I've been feeling like that victor. The last one standing. However, it's not that everyone else has died, but has gone on to become parents. They've gotten out of the games. We've all endured the challenges that years of infertility brings. They may not include poisonous gas or bees that cause hallucinations, but the lasting scars can be just as deep. While the other have gotten out of the games, I know that they are forever changed from the process.
I've had some moments of sadness over the past few days realizing that I may very well be the last one standing once again. My heart is full of joy for those who have found their way out. I am trying hard to find hope in their successes, knowing that means that it could happen for me. We've started our new journey and I am trying to be oh so hopeful that our day will come. I just need to change my strategy.
With adoption, there are things in my control, things I can be doing. I am feeling rather overwhelmed right now. We also need to wait until Chris gets his coaching check in order to make any decisions that also require money. It's frustrating once again to be stuck because of finances. It's only temporary, of course. But I want to move forward more than anything. So for now, I will do what I can and take care of the things that aren't out of my control.
For those of you reading who have made their way out, please know that I am truly THRILLED for you! I debated about this post, but know that I created this blog as a way to work out my feelings. I don't really have anyone in my "real" life who gets it like all of you. Please know this isn't a "poor me" post, but just my feelings at this time.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
One hour
The social worker was here for a grand total of an hour today. She did a quick look around, asking about smoke detectors mostly. Romeo was a pain in the butt- wish I had gone with my instincts and sent him away for the day. I had coffee and fruit- she politely declined it all. Oh well, I was prepared!
So really we just went over paperwork- lots of it. She left all of it here for us to fill out and get back to her. I was able to get most of the copies made for her. We need to go and request a copy of our marriage certificate- I can't even remember the last time I saw it- if we ever had one even! We both still need to get in for physicals and we have to get the vaccinations updated for the beasts. We've neglected those on the elderly furbabies- it just didn't seem important to put them through the trauma of going to the vet for that stuff when they appeared to be on their way out. Will have to call and make those appointments too. We also have to get our well inspected- or at least the water from it. We also both need to get our physicals too.
Chris will be meeting with her on the 18th, and I am meeting with her on the 24th for our individual interviews. We didn't cover ANY of our history today- which I thought was a little strange. I guess we will go over more that in our individual meetings. We will then have a final meeting with both of us. She did let us know that the state of IL is really slow right now in getting foster care licenses approved. (In IL, you have to be an approved foster home in order to adopt) She said it is taking close to 2 months if not more. She can't even submit that until all of the above stuff is done on our end too.
So my hope is that we will be homestudy approved by Spring Break. That gives us almost three full months. I had originally planned to hold off on getting our website, etc up and running until our homestudy was done, but I don't know if I will wait that long. I am planning to get working on the website more intently in the coming weeks. There are so many things swirling in my head right now.
Thinking we might need to look into retaining a lawyer once again as well. I feel like we were taken by our attorney in the failed adoption of 2007. I felt like she took our retainer, and when things went south, we never heard from her again. She is a highly regarded adoption attorney in the area, so I don't know what to think. So many options- all which cost $$$$. Do we get our own 800 number and field calls ourselves? Or do we pay someone to do that for us? We really need to make a decision on that soon as it will be an important part of our contact information on the website and our marketing materials.
It seems crazy to even write that last statement- marketing materials. It's hard to wrap my head around the idea that in many aspects, this is a business transaction. We have to sell ourselves to potential birthparents out there. We have to contract with professionals and pay for every service along the way. I guess it isn't all that different than paying the medical professionals- is it?
Lots to think about. Back to work tomorrow. I've spent most of my break absorbed in all of this and really didn't do much else. It will be nice to be back in the routine I suppose.
Thank you for all of your supportive comments on my last post. It means the world to me to know that so many of you are there with us along the way. I don't know what I would have done over the past year without the support of all of you. I hope you don't plan on going anywhere- I have a feeling the ride is about to start once again!
So really we just went over paperwork- lots of it. She left all of it here for us to fill out and get back to her. I was able to get most of the copies made for her. We need to go and request a copy of our marriage certificate- I can't even remember the last time I saw it- if we ever had one even! We both still need to get in for physicals and we have to get the vaccinations updated for the beasts. We've neglected those on the elderly furbabies- it just didn't seem important to put them through the trauma of going to the vet for that stuff when they appeared to be on their way out. Will have to call and make those appointments too. We also have to get our well inspected- or at least the water from it. We also both need to get our physicals too.
Chris will be meeting with her on the 18th, and I am meeting with her on the 24th for our individual interviews. We didn't cover ANY of our history today- which I thought was a little strange. I guess we will go over more that in our individual meetings. We will then have a final meeting with both of us. She did let us know that the state of IL is really slow right now in getting foster care licenses approved. (In IL, you have to be an approved foster home in order to adopt) She said it is taking close to 2 months if not more. She can't even submit that until all of the above stuff is done on our end too.
So my hope is that we will be homestudy approved by Spring Break. That gives us almost three full months. I had originally planned to hold off on getting our website, etc up and running until our homestudy was done, but I don't know if I will wait that long. I am planning to get working on the website more intently in the coming weeks. There are so many things swirling in my head right now.
Thinking we might need to look into retaining a lawyer once again as well. I feel like we were taken by our attorney in the failed adoption of 2007. I felt like she took our retainer, and when things went south, we never heard from her again. She is a highly regarded adoption attorney in the area, so I don't know what to think. So many options- all which cost $$$$. Do we get our own 800 number and field calls ourselves? Or do we pay someone to do that for us? We really need to make a decision on that soon as it will be an important part of our contact information on the website and our marketing materials.
It seems crazy to even write that last statement- marketing materials. It's hard to wrap my head around the idea that in many aspects, this is a business transaction. We have to sell ourselves to potential birthparents out there. We have to contract with professionals and pay for every service along the way. I guess it isn't all that different than paying the medical professionals- is it?
Lots to think about. Back to work tomorrow. I've spent most of my break absorbed in all of this and really didn't do much else. It will be nice to be back in the routine I suppose.
Thank you for all of your supportive comments on my last post. It means the world to me to know that so many of you are there with us along the way. I don't know what I would have done over the past year without the support of all of you. I hope you don't plan on going anywhere- I have a feeling the ride is about to start once again!
Monday, January 3, 2011
Reflections on my 2010 Intentions
That's a mouthful, isn't it?
A few years ago, I stopped making resolutions and instead making intentions. I think I got the idea from Ali Edwards (a scrabooking icon for those of you who don't know her). Last January I made 5 intentions. You can see the original post here Let's see how I did...
1. Be hopeful.
I think I honored this for most of the year. I had some low points, especially after our BFN in February. The miscarriage in October stole what was left of my hope, but I think I truly had hope for most of the year. With that hope came a great deal of pain, but I really don't regret letting hope in. I am sure I will let it seep back into my life this year in time.
2. Live a more healthy life
Big failure here. I had good intentions at times, but I really focused my energy on getting pregnant. This is also something that I intend to work on in 2011.
3. Organize my home and classroom
I would give myself a C+ in this area. In the recent weeks, I've done lots of organizing here at home, but my classroom is another story. The pregnancy and miscarriage this fall just really took lots out of my ambitions when it came to being organized. Either I was on a lifting restriction, or just didn't have motivation. Another one to continue into 2011.
4. Continue to put my Marriage first
I really worked on this in 2010. I feel like we really are in a good place. It's amazing what the heartbreak of failed cycles and a miscarriage can do for a marriage- both good and bad. Taking the trip to St. Lucia was also key in this department. We've also taken the step back from family and really huddled into our nuclear family of two. This feels right at the moment. Hoping the strong foundation of this year will help us as we go into 2011.
5. READ & CREATE
Yep, this one is a big failure too. I did read more with my various bedrests and recent vacation, but not what I used to do. The storm also took out my studio for almost half of 2010, so that kept me from being as creative as I would have liked. Another area to continue on.
So that's the run down. I have some thoughts about 2011, and many of the above will continue.
2010 was all about getting pregnant.
2011 will be about becoming parents through adoption.
Tomorrow is our first homestudy visit. I am as ready as can be. Chris is a little annoyed with all of my "fretting" about things. He simply said to me, "Why wouldn't we be approved?" Of course he knows exactly what I need to hear. Will post more after our visit tomorrow.
A few years ago, I stopped making resolutions and instead making intentions. I think I got the idea from Ali Edwards (a scrabooking icon for those of you who don't know her). Last January I made 5 intentions. You can see the original post here Let's see how I did...
1. Be hopeful.
I think I honored this for most of the year. I had some low points, especially after our BFN in February. The miscarriage in October stole what was left of my hope, but I think I truly had hope for most of the year. With that hope came a great deal of pain, but I really don't regret letting hope in. I am sure I will let it seep back into my life this year in time.
2. Live a more healthy life
Big failure here. I had good intentions at times, but I really focused my energy on getting pregnant. This is also something that I intend to work on in 2011.
3. Organize my home and classroom
I would give myself a C+ in this area. In the recent weeks, I've done lots of organizing here at home, but my classroom is another story. The pregnancy and miscarriage this fall just really took lots out of my ambitions when it came to being organized. Either I was on a lifting restriction, or just didn't have motivation. Another one to continue into 2011.
4. Continue to put my Marriage first
I really worked on this in 2010. I feel like we really are in a good place. It's amazing what the heartbreak of failed cycles and a miscarriage can do for a marriage- both good and bad. Taking the trip to St. Lucia was also key in this department. We've also taken the step back from family and really huddled into our nuclear family of two. This feels right at the moment. Hoping the strong foundation of this year will help us as we go into 2011.
5. READ & CREATE
Yep, this one is a big failure too. I did read more with my various bedrests and recent vacation, but not what I used to do. The storm also took out my studio for almost half of 2010, so that kept me from being as creative as I would have liked. Another area to continue on.
So that's the run down. I have some thoughts about 2011, and many of the above will continue.
2010 was all about getting pregnant.
2011 will be about becoming parents through adoption.
Tomorrow is our first homestudy visit. I am as ready as can be. Chris is a little annoyed with all of my "fretting" about things. He simply said to me, "Why wouldn't we be approved?" Of course he knows exactly what I need to hear. Will post more after our visit tomorrow.
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