Thunderstorms

As I sit here to write this entry, thunder is rolling and rain is falling outside.  In so many ways this is symbolic of where I am at right now.  My heart aches and the tears are falling.  There is no resolution once again.  No rainbow at the end, just a continuous journey in search of the gold... a long frustrating journey with lots of sudden changes along the path...  a path that appears to be smooth and safe until an unexpected cliff appears. You have no choice but to fall into the depths.

The call came on Chris' 31st birthday.  In my heart I already knew what she was going to tell me.  I had started bleeding on Monday morning and knew it was over. My body started telling me on Wednesday, 8dp3dt, that it was coming to an end.  I started spotting, but still had some hope.  The signs and symptoms that I had been feeling started to slip away, and with that my little embryos were no more.  Once again, we have failed.

Chris is taking it very hard, and I don't know how to make it easier.  My heart breaks each time we talk about this failure.  Yesterday I was full of hope and promise, and today I am full of despair.  I just want to be a mom... why is that a gift that I am unable to attain?  I want to make Chris a dad.  He's just amazing around the children in our lives.  We've dedicated our lives to helping other people's children, and yet we are not able to have our own. 

In time I am sure the pain will become more bearable.  This pain will always be part of who I am.  As I sit and watch the thunderstorm out the window, my heart aches with each roll of thunder and drop of rain.

  

Time to be a little selfish

It's time for me to be a little selfish.  We have made the tough decision to skip the family party today. I just know that I will end up "snapping" and Chris is very concerned about what impact that will have on our precious embryos.  I just can't stand the thought of looking at my sister right now, knowing that she once again has what I want more than anything in the world.  The last thing I need right now is the patronizing I will be sure to get from my extended family as well.  I am sure I will be hearing about this for months, maybe even years, but I don't care at this point.  It's time that I think about myself and not what is best for all of them. 

I know that it is hard to deal with someone battling infertility.  We are a difficult breed, especially while in the 2ww of a major procedure. Even so, I am angry with my family because they CHOSE to keep this pregnancy from me.  Once again, I feel left out of everything.  Everyone had a secret that they whispered about behind my back.  My parents claim that the last month has been "hell" for them.  I don't think they even realize what this has done to me.  People close to me kept a pregnancy from me once before, and my mother knows how hurt I was from that.  Why in the world did she choose to do the same thing to me? 

It will never be ok.  I pray that I will get a BFP on Tuesday and will be able to move on with my life.  However, I will not EVER be ok with her getting pg again.  It isn't really jealousy.  It's the fact that she can't care for the two children she already has.  I feel so sorry for my niece and nephew. 

I have to wash my hands of all of this for now.  I have to focus my positive energy on getting a BFP on Tuesday.  It's time for me to be selfish...

What is fair???

Just when I thought that I had everything under control, I get news yesterday that just knocked the wind out of my sails.  My sister is pregnant with #3.... and I just can't even believe it.  She has lost her job, can't handle the two kids she has, and yet is blessed with another pregnancy.  I am angry... and incredibly sad.  How is any of this fair?  How can one sister be so darn fertile while the other spends thousands of dollars on invasive procedures just for a chance to get pregnant? 

My family has all known for some time.  You see, this "accident" occured just when my first IVF failed.  No one wanted to tell me.  The only reason I was told was because my niece, in all her innocence, spilled the beans.  So once again, Patience has been left out.  Chris is taking this really hard, and I can see the pain in his eyes. 

My faith has never been thinner than it is right now.  My sister doesn't even beleive in God, and yet she has been blessed.  I am starting to wonder if there even is a God.  There is just so much pain and suffering in this world.  I know in the grand scheme of life, my pain is small.  However, my ache to be a mother is so strong that it takes my breath away at times. 

In a few short days, we will know if we, too have been blessed.  Now I understand why my mom has been so interested this time... she wants me to get pg so my sister won't feel so bad.  I know this anger is the last thing I need right now.  Trying to find my happy place....

Impatient

Its a good thing that my name is Patience.  Most days that is all the patience that I have.  I have amazing patience most days with my students, but for most everything else I am very impatient.  The waiting is killing me.  Tomorrow marks one week since the transfer, and one week till the beta test.  We're at the half-way mark.

I am having some cramping on and off today.  It is very similiar to menstral cramps, but it is way to early for that.  I don't remember them from last time, so I am hoping that is a sign of good things to come.  My breasts are also VERY sore and heavy feeling.  Another sign I don't remember from last time.  I am trying to be hopeful.  I am also VERY hungry today and can't get enough to eat.  I don't remember that at ALL last time. 

I can't focus on much once I get home.  There are plenty of things I could do around the house, and things that I enjoy to do.  However, I just don't have the focus for anything. I didn't sleep well last night, so maybe it is just fatigue today.

With all the technology out there, why can't they make this wait move along quicker?  For now, I just have to wait.  I have no control over any part now, so I just have to do everything I think that I can to make a difference. 

Today is one of my least favorite days of the year...

Mother's Day.  Just the sound of it makes me cringe.  It's as if the entire world is celebrating what I don't have. The one feeling I hate the most is being left out... and that is the biggest feeling on a day like today.  While I treasure my mother and grandmother, part of me even resents the fact that they are part of a "club" that has denied me membership month after month.  My younger sister is a member, and uses today to remind me that I am not.  Two years ago I was reminded that I was "not a mother" so therefore I should be helping with the cleanup after dinner.  That was the last time I attended a family Mother's Day party.  Last year we went to visit Chris' parents.  This year mom took grandma to visit the new baby in Springfield... the new baby that my UNMARRIED cousin has... 

Am I bitter?  I suppose so.  I know that I should be so very hopeful today.  For in all essence, I have two precious embryos safely inside me right now.  Will they decide to stay nice and safe?  Only time will tell.  My only hope is that Chris will not have to endure another Father's Day from the outside...

 

On cruise control...

Our rollercoaster ride seems to have come to a smooth spot.  I am not sure where it will take us, but we are once again feeling a little more hopeful.  On Tuesday we transfered our two embryos.  The embryologist was reported as saying that one of them was "stellar"  The RE assured me that he doesn't usually compliment embryos... think she was just trying to make me feel better. 

The "stellar" embryo was a Grade 1 8-cell and the other was a Grade 2/3 6-cell.  We are now cautiously optimisitic once again.  I did the extra day of bed rest, and will continue to take it easy for the next few days. 

So now we wait... although we are on cruise control, it's so hard not to have any control!  We will find out the results of this cycle on Chris' birthday.  I have mixed emotions about that.  I truly hope that he will get the best birthday gift ever. 

I want off this roller coaster ride!

I have debated as to what I wanted to write here.  I am so sad and frustrated right now.  I have never been a fan of roller coasters, and that is really what this entire journey has been.  You climb up and up and a steady pace, and then you plunge back to the bottom in a matter of moments.  I am sitting at the bottom right now, wanting so badly to get off this darn ride.  Yet, I am strapped in and have no choice but to hold on and see what happens next.

The retrieval was yesterday after a huge argument between Chris and I the night before.  This darn process has just put so much strain on our marriage, but in the end it has really made it stronger.  That is another story.  Of all of my supposedly wonderful follicles, we only got 7 freaking eggs.  I had a MAJOR meltdown post ER, and the nurse and Dr didn't really know what to do.  How can I have doubled my meds and still end up with LESS eggs than last time????  The retrieval was also sooner than I have ever been "ready" on only CD#12.  I am so frustrated with the RE right now, and unfortunately she was not the one to do the retrieval or give me the crappy news today.  The RE on call was very compasionate, but really had no answers for me.  I am 29, with an FSH of 4.  There is NO REASON to only get 7 freaking eggs!

To make things even better, only 4 of those eggs were mature, and only 2 fertilized.  So now I am praying that those two little embryos continue to develop and divide and we end up with at least the two of them to transfer on Tuesday. Once again, I planned on a day 5 transfer, and have to make all kinds of adjustments to my schedule once again.  We won't know what they look like until we get there on Tuesday morning. 

I've been told time and time again that perfect cycles often end in BFN and not-so-perfect cycles end in BFPs.  I am hoping that will be true in my case.  Our perfect cycle ended in a BFN.  We have a back-up plan already.  We plan to return to my beloved RE that is closer to home.  She is not on our insurance, but they are much more progressive in their practice and I am so much more comfortable with her. They are also so much closer to home.

I am pretty umcomfortable today.  Chris had to return to work to do a training today, so I am home alone.  I should call my family, but not one of them bothered to call yesterday to see how I was doing.  I will back down and call mom as soon as I finish this entry.  I always do.  

So now I wait.  I try to keep busy, but there is only so much you can do when your ovaries are screaming at you.  My heart is breaking, my spirit is broken, and yet I persevere.  I am strapped in for the ride of my life...