Christmas Eve 2010

I had high hopes last Christmas that we would be in a different place today.  I suppose in many ways, we are in a very different place than we were.  It's just not the destination I had hoped for.  This Christmas is different in many ways, but not in the positive way we had so highly hoped.  I am trying hard to not dwell on what could have been- but it's so hard.  It's hard not to think where we "should" be at this point if things had worked out in January or September.  But if there is anything I have learned, there is no should when it comes to IF. 

I am angry and sad.  I am going to allow myself that for just one more hour, and then I have to put on the happy face and embrace what our Christmas IS this year, not what I wish it was.  We have a wonderful home, friends who love us as if we were family, and enough resources to live comfortably.  We are blessed, and I am hoping that can guide me through the next 48 hours. 

I am also thankful that we can do as we wish in that time frame, and are not under any obligation to be anywhere.  In years past I have hosted my immediate family on Christmas Eve and gone to my Aunt's house on Christmas Day. We are estranged from my family (by my choice) so we are spending the time doing what we want to- spending it with friends who have supported and loved us beyond words over the past difficult year.  Tonight we will have dinner with the Rinaldi family.  They really have become our family.  Then we will  be heading down to Children's Memorial Hospital for the day tomorrow to spend it with our dear friend and her daughter. Devon had a second major back surgery on Tuesday and will be spending Christmas in the hospital.  We're taking her an Ipod touch to keep her busy as she endures the next 6 weeks of recovery.  I am really looking forward to spending the day cheering someone else up!  I am hoping it will keep me from missing what could have been this year.

I hope you all are able to find some peace this holiday.