Exhale

Sorry that I've been MIA.  The end of the school year is always crazy and I am happy to say that I made it to the end in one piece.  I am so thankful that the school year is over.  One of the blessings of teaching is that there is an end.  Every rough class, every rough year, every rough experience is over once the school year comes to a close.  (On the flip- every great class also leaves after a year.)

The sense of relief I am feeling is unbelievable.  While the students were especially challenging this year, it was also a tough year for me personally.  We're still in adoption limbo- I am trying so hard to keep the hope.  We've been told over and over what an "ideal" couple we are.  I honestly thought that we'd finally be on a smooth path to parenthood and that we would be on the fast track.  Just once, we had hoped that things would fall into place for us.

And yet, here we are more than a year waiting.  We haven't had a serious "lead" (I really hate that term, but not sure how else to phrase it) in several months.  My heart is heavy with longing.  I am trying hard to keep my jealousy/why not me monster in check.  Of course last night I was looking at our attorney's website of waiting families, and noticed at least three couples who signed AFTER us that are now parents.  Now, I know that there is no sense of order to this and that the right woman is out there for us.  I'm just so tired of waiting.

We had several people contact us recently about a local situation through a national agency.  They were looking for a family for a newborn with down syndrome and a significant heart defect.  My heart leapt when I read the first email, but I know in my heart of hearts that this was not the right situation for us.   We literally had four different people email about this situation. 

My head is full of thoughts about this and our adoption process in general.  I can't seem to find the right words to express it right now.  I've typed and erased line after line.  The bottom line- I'm feeling a little hopeless and conflicted and excited and sad and frustrated and so much more.

AF showed up on Memorial Day- which means I've now had two "normalish" cycles of 32-34 days.  That's just unheard of for this PCOS/RPL gal.  And isn't it crazy that a tiny part of me was actually sad when AF showed up? I don't know what is going on with my body though- my hormones seem to be a hot mess all around.  I've been exhausted and weepy.  Hormones?  Or just the stress of everything?

I am really looking forward to the slower pace of summer.  While I feel that I can breathe again with school being over, I also feel like I am holding my breath in terms of our adoption.  I am hoping I will finally be able to exhale soon- that finally it will be our turn in all of this. 

Beautiful Young Adults

I thought about posting about Mother's Day today and all the emotions I have rolling on in my head.

But I decided that I am not going to do that.  

Instead, I am going to share with you some photos that were taken last night.  Chris and I were honored to be invited to the pre-prom party for some of our swimmers.  I honestly got a little teary when I saw these amazing kids all dressed up for their prom.  We've known a few of these kids since they were 8- and all of them for the past five years.  We've seen them grow into such beautiful young adults- inside and out.  We've been blessed to be a part of their lives outside of the pool.  We've been welcomed into their families and been able to help nurture their spirits as well as their bodies in the pool.  We hope that one day our own children will be as successful, kind, intelligent, driven, and amazing as these young adults.

Two of these boys will be swimming at the Olympic Trials next month!  Their parents have become like family to us.  They've supported us in so many ways along our adoption journey and can't wait to spoil our child as their kids move onto college!

The famous pose these boys have to do with Chris.  I'm not even sure when it started or why.  We have this pose in just about every possible situation... but this is the first one in tuxedos!

Just a few of the beautiful ladies we've come to know through the crazy world of swimming.  It has been such an honor to see them grow and become beautiful inside and out!

Chris and Allie- We've known this young woman since she was a scrawny 8 year old.  She has blossomed into a such an amazing young woman. Thankful we've got one more year before she heads off to college.  Can't wait to see what her future holds! (And yes, it was a little chilly outside....)

 We are so very blessed.  While I am sad that we don't have the relationship we'd hoped for with our biological families, we are so thankful for the extended family we have with our swimmers and their families.  Another one of our former swimmers graduates from the University of Illinois today and several others in the coming weeks.  While it breaks my heart to know that we're still waiting for the opportunity to become parents. we are so proud to be a part of these young lives each and every day.  We also know that our future child will be loved by so many and can't wait to share the life experiences with our extended family. 

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Nothing new to report on my last post.  I haven't done anything to get an answer.  Decided this weekend wasn't the time.  More on that later. 

Damn Little Voice

Just when I posted I am in a better place.... and now I have myself worked into a little bit of a crazy frenzy.  I am all good... it's just my mind racing and hopefully playing tricks on me.  I've only verbalized this craziness to Chris.

The girls appear to be "growing" as in swelling.... as in OMG not again. 

My last AF lasted exactly two days.  TWO days. That was two weeks ago. 

I'm having crazy dreams.  Like one where I was a clone and my real body had died and I was relieved I no longer had a functioning uterus.  (Let's not even start to psychoanalyze that!) 

I am exhausted.  I've had some strange heartburn and hiccups.  I feel like crying at kleenex commercials.  And every. single. mother's. day. commercial.

I tested last week.  Right after AF.  (Who does that?!)  It was a clear negative.

So why the hell do I have a little voice in my head right now?

Oh yeah... remember last May? When I discovered I was miscarrying before I really even knew I was pregnant.  And then there was December when I learned I was pregnant again.  This time we played the hope roullette until February when we learned that we no longer had a heartbeat and I had a d&c. I've had the little voice in my head both of those times.

Now, I also seem to have some serious CM today- which would be right on time for me to be ovulating.  So, just maybe I am having a normal cycle.  I've been on the crappy egg supplements for a few months now.  (I'll post about that soon too...)

It's the end of the school year.  Our big International Fair is tomorrow.  This is the culminating activity for 6th grade and has pretty much been all we've worked on since Spring Break.  Life is crazy intense with my students.  Three of the eight had major meltdowns this week. So it really could all just be stress, right?  There's also that pesky holiday on Sunday that is looming.

So please say a little prayer, mantra, anything that I can keep my sanity.  Please let this not be a repeat of May and December.  I'm just not ready yet.  My heart can't handle another miscarriage. 

Please let the little voice in my head be wrong...

Better Place

I'm honestly in a better place.  Thank you for all of your supportive comments on my last post.  As always, it means so much to know that there are people out there that get it and are cheering me on.  Sometimes just the simple fact of knowing that you are not alone in this fight means everything. 

I lost myself in reading last weekend.  It was just what I needed... to lose myself in a piece of fiction.  I actually read all three of the Fifty Shades of Grey books last weekend.  I have some thoughts I want to post on the books, but that's another post.  I seem to forget how wonderful it is to get lost in a book and become so engrossed in characters that you start thinking about them at random times.  Chris was amazing and allowed me literally to stay in bed all day last Saturday.  The only time I left the house last weekend was to have dinner with one of our swim team families on Saturday night!

This week at school was a little less intense with my challenging student.  We have him on a Crisis Safety Plan, so hoping that now we have a plan in place we won't need it.  He is utterly exhausting.  He's also very attached to me and can be a very kind sweet boy.  I have some theories that came to light this week as to why this kid has gotten to me so much.  That's also another post all together.

Remember the technology position I wanted for this school year but it was given to another woman who had the elusive certificate?  She hasn't really worked out this year- and in fact has been RIF'd for next year due to performance.  Why do I know this?  It was accidentally sent out to the entire district on the staffing plan for next year!  While I have not had a good working relationship with this woman, I do feel bad that this news was made so graphically public.  However, the good news... is that the position is back open for the fall.  And imagine this... they have removed the certificate as a requirement!!!!  After some soul searching with Chris and talking with my principal, I decided to put my name in the hat once again.  My principal informed me that the District Admin responsible for this position actually emailed him a week before I spoke to him asking if I would consider applying.  Hoping that is a good sign that things might just work out this time.  I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but man am I ready for a change after this school year!  I've emailed the Admin and applied officially through the district website.  I haven't heard anything, but the applications remain open until May 15th.  My principal told the District Admin that I was reluctant to apply due to the way that it was handled last time.  So at least that is out there.  

Chris and I are at a really good place.  Some of that has to do with my reading last weekend.  :)  Mostly, we've just had some really good quality time together.  We don't see each other much at all during the week but have made the weekends really count.  Only one more weekend until I lose him for every single weekend for the summer- so I'm trying to cram in as much as I can each weekend!  Yesterday we got the window boxes installed on the front of the house and got the early flowers planted.  Here in the midwest, you just never know when the last frost will be, so you have to be careful.  I'll post some photos soon.  Right now we only have pansies and violas planted since they are very frost hardy.  We also started a project inspired by pinterest of tipsy pots.  Of course I wanted them painted purple, so we had to do that first!  Seeing the flowers already makes me smile.  It really is the little things that make the difference, isn't it?

Chris also finished all of the floors in our main living space.  I LOVE them.  He has to do the stairs now and we've started to refinish all of the furniture.  We're definitely nesting.  Let's hope that we can get all the must do projects finished before we get the call.  Ok, scratch that... if we get the call tomorrow we'd be thrilled!

Thankfully I have some orders to fill for PB Creations.  I need to get things moving again with the business so it can continue to pay for our advertising costs.  We're currently spending close to $350 a month (which is less than our lawyer would ideally want).  Our homestudy is now a year old, and essentially expired.  We've been assured that it is all fine by both our attorney and social worker.  But it makes me REALLY nervous.  Trying to stay positive and trust the experts.... but that goes against my nature.  Never really expected that we'd still be waiting one year later.  Really thought that we'd finally catch a break and be the lucky ones in a quick match.  Trying to stay hopeful that our match is out there... and will find us very soon!

CD 1...again

Today marks CD1.  The second AF since the D & C.  A remarkably normal 34 day cycle.  (As normal as a PCOS gal can ask for)

So now what?  We were told that we needed to wait at least two cycles before "trying" again.  We also know that our last miscarriage was of a genetically normal fetus.  I've been taking the CCRM "sucky egg" cocktail of supplements for two months now. 

I've sent off an email to my beloved CCRM nurse.  I have the name of a local RPL specialist and need to make a call to get a consult with her office.  I need to call our adoption attorney.  We haven't had any calls from her in more than a month. 

I've had another really hard week at work.  My one very challenging student had a really rough day.  I've had 9 IEP meetings in the last two weeks and all the paperwork to go along with that.

I feel like I am in a hamster wheel.  The scenery never changes.  I work my ass off going in circles and in the end... I am right where I started.

It really all comes back to...

CD1 again,

Days like this....

Today was a challenging day in my classroom.  I work as a middle school special education teacher.  Most of my students have learning disabilities, but I have one particular child who also has some emotional/behavioral issues.  His learning disabilities are so severe that he is not appropriate in our ED/BD program. 

This child has taken so much of my time this year.  He exhausts me.  His mother is somewhat involved, and sends me emails and communicates.  However, there is NO follow through at home at all.  I think the home is a little hectic from what I have learned.  We've been working with his mom and doctors to get the right medication for him.  I start feeling like we've made one step forward with his behaviors and then we end up two steps back.  Today was a five step back kind of day.  I don't want to go into details for obvious reasons, but know that I am constantly in a battle with this student about just about everything- including the need to keep your eyes open when walking around the classroom.  (He happens to be the same student that I mentioned locked himself in his own locker)

I am exhausted at the end of the day.  I worry about how I will be able to handle being a parent after doing this all day.  I ask my coworkers how they do it and they assure me that it is possible.  :)  They remind me that it is so different when they are your own children.  It is different when you have control of the environment at home and are responsible for their little lives.

We've had several people ask us why we are hoping to adopt a newborn rather than adopting from the foster care system.  Yes, I am a special education teacher and have the skill set necessary to work with a child who has emotional and learning needs.  Chris has the patience of a saint and works with all sorts of children through our swim team.  I just can't imagine coming home and having to "work" like I do all day with my students.  (And yes, I know being a parent is work- I'm using the term here to refer to the fact that my job is working with children with needs)  Yes, we could do it.  And we honestly hope to do it in the future- we really do.  But right now, it just doesn't feel like the right fit for us. 

I know this seems like a selfish choice, and trust me I feel that way about it all.  But I want to have the opportunity to raise a child from birth... a child that knows what it feels like to be loved and nurtured from the very moment they enter this world. 

So much of my day is spent "erasing" pain and learned behaviors from my students messed up home lives.  My heart aches for them when I am helping them deal with the pain that a parent has caused or they are trying to recover from years of acting out because they didn't understand how to communicate. Too many times I spend a day working through an issue with a student, only to have a new one appear the next day.  I deal with parents who are over-involved, under-involved, and just plain crazy.  There are parents who have no desire to parent.  Middle school students need parents as much- if not more- than toddlers! 

I know that parenting is hard.  I've witnessed friends struggle with making the right decisions as they parent their children.  I know that there are no guarantees in parenting, and there is always a chance a child we adopt (or give birth to) can have some special needs.

But it's days like this that make me yearn to be a parent even more.  I want to have the opportunity to come home after a long day and snuggle with my own child.   I want to know that I am doing EVERYTHING in my power to let a child know that they are loved and help them grow into an amazing person. 

Please let days like this be few and far between.  And let's hope that the day when I come home to a child of my own is very, very, soon.

Other stuff

Thank you for all of your love and support over the past week.  This is my place to dump all of my emotions so that I can carry on in my daily life.  And while infertility and my baby lust does define a big part of who I am, there is so much more to my life. So this post is all about that stuff... the "other" stuff.

I've started running again.  It's a slow start but I am really hoping to be able to run the 5k on the 4th of July.  I've walked it the last two years, and am hoping that this is the year I can finally run it.  I don't do well in heat, so this could be a crazy goal, but we'll see.  I am training using the "ease into 5k" app on my phone.  I am fortunate to have a coworker who has run with me in the past agree to train with me.  She is getting married in June, and wants to lose weight before her wedding.  She is the same coworker who went with me on my shopping trip- so we are just a good "match" for each other. Abi has been a great friend and has listened to me as we've endured the ups and downs of the last year.

I spent yesterday with Abi and a few of her bridesmads.  We got all of her wedding invitations put together.  It felt nice to be able to put my talents to use to help my friend.  I've also been working to get my etsy shop stocked again with some new card designs.  I had an idea to create Mother's Day cards for people like me and others who find Mother's day a hard day.  You can see on of them here. Hoping to get things up and running again with PB creations so that I can help offset the costs of our adoption advertising.  I've had a few orders lately, so that has helped fuel my creative soul to get things done.  I was on such a roll with things and then we learned I was pregnant and spent two months in limbo.

And that's just the hard part.  I start to feel human and get my life back and then WHAM- I end up pregnant or we have an adoption fall through.  It takes the wind out of my sails and I can't function.  I am hoping and praying that I can keep my momentum this time- no matter what.  I need to keep focus on those other things.

I'll leave this post with a photo of Chris and I on Easter.  Man, I love this guy- even if he can't handle a serious photo to save his life!