Jellies

Thanks for all of the congratulations on my last post.  Still waiting to hear from the superintendents office for my final interview. 

Chris was in the city for a swim meet this weekend.  He called me on Saturday night and suggested I take the train down on Sunday so we could make a quick trip to the Shedd Aquarium.  I've been wanting to get in to see the Jellyfish exhibit for more than a year now.  My friend Beverly and her husband saw them when they were here in town, and I was a little jealous.  I thought I had missed my chance, but they extended their stay through the rest of the year.

Chris and I have always loved all things water- not just because he's a swim coach.  Even when we were in high school, we'd spend time at the lakefront in our hometown.  Chris grew up fishing in northern Wisconsin.  Our dream vacations have always involved the ocean.  There's just something about the water.  I hope to one day live on a body of water... for now we have to manage with a lake in our neighborhood and trips to the aquarium. 

I took the train into the city- it was pretty packed since the Taste of Chicago is going on and there was a Cubs game.  I had plenty of time so I decided to walk to the Shedd from Union Station.  This is a big leap for me- this suburban girl used to be terrified of the city.  It's amazing how a few years can change you.  It was warm- but I really enjoyed the walk.  It gave me time to think and also to take in the beauty of Chicago.  I really do love the city- there's so much to see and do!  I walked through the Taste and then along the lakefront path.  Loved the views!

The jelly exhibit was awesome.  I'm so glad we got a chance to see it.  We had to wait in a crazy long line in the heat just to get into the Shedd.  However, we had teacher vouchers so we only had to pay for the extra fee to see the Jellyfish.  (If you are an educator, or have any form of a school ID, you can get into the Shedd free of charge by filling out an online form and bringing your ID or paystub).  We had about two and a half hours to spend there- and it was just the right amount of time. 

Here are some of my favorite photos from the day:

One of my favorite views of the city- skyline over the fountain.

The bright colors in the tanks really lend to great photos!

I could have watched them move for hours!

Wish I remembered the names of these... they were pretty unusual!

Posing outside the wild reef exhibit... always trying to keep the profile fresh!

On the steps of the Shedd... our friend Karin was with us and took these photos!

Finally some good change...

The interview went really well.  I was really nervous as I haven't sat on that side of the table for more than a decade.  I've been part of several interview teams- including the one for our assistant principal.  It was almost more intimidating because I knew everyone that was on my interview team. I spent the last few days researching a few of the buzz topics in technology integration.

As I left the interview, the admin congratulated me on a great interview.  He said he was really impressed.  Made this old lady feel proud that I could still nail an interview- even if it didn't end up with a job.  That simple comment gave me some much needed confidence.  He said I would hear from him at the start of next week.

I was surprised when my phone rang at 1:30 yesterday afternoon.  He said that the two tech people on the team made him promise to call me right away- and that he wanted to offer me the position pending a final interview with our superintendent.  It took a minute for it to sink in... but I accepted!  There are still some details to work out, and he needed to call the Director of Special Education after he called me.  My principal encouraged me to apply and was very supportive.  However, I hadn't even mentioned it to the Director of Special Education.  I can't imagine that call went very well.  I'm sure I am going to have to give her a call soon to smooth things over.

I'm not making it FB public yet- still need to get through the final interview with the superintendent.  I've been assured that it is just a formality, but she intimidates me a little.  She was the one that pushed for someone with a certificate last year- the certificate that I still do not have.  She may tell me that I have to start a program right away to get the certificate.  It's not ideal timing, but if it is what I need to do, it's what I will do.  So, if you know me in real life, please don't say anything on FB about it.  I've shared the news with my two closest friends and coworkers.  It is supposed to go to the School Board on July 23rd and will be official then.  :)

Thank you for all of the good wishes and positive thoughts.  Hoping this is the first of several positive changes for me! 

It's hard

Thank you for all of your sweet comments on our video.  Please feel free to share it on your blogs, FB pages, wherever!  I'm new to promoting using You.Tube, so if anyone has tips for that, please share.  I tried to think of all the keywords I could but noticed it doesn't always come up when I put them in the search field.  We're working with Adoptimist as well to get some of our own google ads running.  I wish we had unlimited resources to pay for premium ad space on google, but that's just not an option for us. 

I am trying to stay hopeful, really I am.  But, it's really really hard.  I posted our video on FB as well, and had great feedback there too.  People keep telling us that we are going to be great parents and that they are sure someone is going to choose us soon.  I am so thankful for all of these kind words, really I am.  But there's a little part of my heart that breaks each time I hear (read) how everyone knows we are going to be great parents.  Why haven't we finally had our chance to show just what amazing parents we can be?  How much longer are we going to have to wait?  And then there's a part of me that just wonders if it isn't meant to be.  Are we fighting against the universe? 

I do find solace in reading posts from many of you who have been where I am and have crossed over.  I also hope that everyone will keep commenting... you have no idea how important each and every comment is to me.  It's a sense of validation that I just can't explain. 

I'm starting to feel like the last one standing again.  (Remember this post?) Except this time, it's the adoption episode.  I know in my heart of hearts that the right match is out there for us- at least I am holding out hope that there is.  But I can't help but feeling a little sad as I watch just about every single person waiting for an adoption match on my blog reader- get matched.  And I am overjoyed for every.single.one.of.them! I just wish that I could be sharing in their joy. 

There's a part of this Type A personality of mine that just can't squelch the feeling of being in a competition.  And I fell horribly guilty even putting this out there.  I look at other profiles and wonder how we compare.  I am constantly updating our profile on adoptionist to make sure we are on the top of the recent page.  I check the stats on our pages and our FB page.  I know it's not about being "better" than another couple- it's about being the RIGHT couple for a woman.  We just need to hope that our information gets to the right woman at the right time.  It's really a numbers game, right?  Or is it all about luck?  Or karma?  I wish I knew.

After years of infertility, I am so full of self-doubt that it's hard not to take all of this personally. It's hard to wonder why we haven't been chosen.  It's hard to wonder what people think about us when they see our video or look at our profile.  It's hard to think about what must go through a woman's mind when she is choosing a family to parent her child.  It's hard to think about the pain a woman must endure in order for Chris and I to experience the joy of parenthood.  All of this is just so hard.

But it's the hard stuff that makes us stronger, right?  And that's just what this girl is going to do.  Keep being strong and hoping that someday very soon we'll finally have our dreams come true.

~~~~
In other news, please keep good thoughts coming my way on Thursday morning,  I have an interview for the tech position at school.  This was the same position I applied for last year, but didn't get an interview.  This year they removed the certificate as a requirement and I have been granted an interview.  Both of the current tech people in the district want me in the position and will be on the interview team.  I really need a change with my job and am excited about the prospect of this new position.  I am trying not to get my hopes up as they are interviewing several external candidates as well as me.  I haven't done an interview in more than a decade- so I'm a little nervous!  Thanks for all good thoughts you can send my way!

Our Video Profile

I'm running into issues with the music.  I might just have to give up and remove the music, bur for now, here is the first version.  :)  I also need opinions... do I put the video on the first page of our website or make a seperate page?  If I put it on the first page, it will make the page load slowly.  I'm not creating a link to these videos, but embedding the actual video on our page.  Don't want to have it linked.  Thoughts?

Here is the vimeo version:

Losing Trust- Update at bottom

Infertility has shaped the woman I am today.  It has been  a constant in my life for the past 12 years and I am coming to the realization that it will always be a part of who I am.  I've heard from those who have crossed over that it does become less of who you are, but that it is always there.  Adding in our recurrent pregnancy loss of the past 18 months has added another layer that weighs me down.  There are days that it is really just a heavy burden that I wish I could collapse under.  But I am strong, and I continue to get stronger each day- because that is the only choice I have.  My drive to become a mother and see my husband blossom as a father carries me through.  However, there are days that its just so heavy that I don't know how I will continue to move forward.  It's one of those days today, and I feel like I need to just take a little rest.

Of the many things that infertility and RPL have taken from me, the one that hurts the most is the loss of trust in my body.  I'm not really talking about body image- that's another post all together.  I'm talking about being able to trust my body to do what it is supposed to do.   Trust in my intuition and the signs my body gives.  Spending years as an infertility survivor makes you acutely aware of your body in a way that many women never really get to experience.  I know where my ovaries are- I mean really know and can feel them when they are full of cysts or ready to ovulate.  I am so in tune with the symptoms of pregnancy.  I've felt them too many times over the past two years.  I know how my body changes in the early days of a pregnancy.  I know how it feels when a pregnancy ends too soon.

But then I wonder if my body and mind are truly in sync.  Am I really feeling things?  Or is it my mind playing tricks on me?  Has all of this loss and struggle caused me to lose my mind?  It has gotten to the point that I don't even verbalize many of this to anyone- I'm afraid that people will think I've lost my mind.  Those closest to me don't even know what to say anymore.  They've said "I'm sorry" more times than any person should have to.

For the past two weeks, I've felt something.  I am terrified that I might be pregnant and miscarrying again.  But then I question myself and wonder if I am just programmed to think this.  It's been all I've known for the past two years and it's about "time" for me to go through this again.  I had many of the same symptoms I've had before.  I actually even had a strong AF start while we were in Omaha.  So I thought I could finally put things to rest and move on.  I didn't test and I enjoyed adult beverages.

But there's been a nagging sense of something.  My gums have been really swollen- which was a tell tale sign in the past.  I'm crying at the drop of a hat and can fall asleep just about any time.  The girls seem swollen.  My sense of smell is ridiculous.  This morning I woke up with cramps again.  AF has been long gone.  But this was the path that things went down last summer- I had what I thought was AF and then a week later I started bleeding again.  I tested and learned that I was pregnant and miscarrying all at once.

I feel silly.  Surely, this is all in my mind.  I have tests in the house, but I feel silly using them.  And if I use them and get a positive- then what?  There's no way that this is going to end well.  I suppose I will test- maybe tomorrow just to put my mind at ease.  What's the cost of another pregnancy test at this point, right?

I hate this.  I hate that I can't trust my body.  I hate that I can't trust my mind.  I hate that I can't trust myself.

Update:

Tested this AM with digital.  Clearly NOT PREGNANT.  Feeling relief but also wondering if it was in fact another really early m/c.  Ugh!  Thankful that I don't have to endure months of beta hell like I did last summer.  Thanks for all of your sweet comments!

The last week in Photos

Loved watching all of the festivities at finals each night!

Eating pho with the Le Family

Chris and his bowl of pho

Meeting up with the rest of the team in the WalMart parking lot!

Team inside the Aqua Zone

Team outside the Olympic Trials Arena

Karin and Miriam on the paintball field

The very boring drive home through Iowa

The swim family's van hit 100,000 miles on our way home!

I have some thoughts rumbling through my head I'll share tomorrow.  For now, I have to finish the mountain of laundry that comes with being away from home for 10 days.  But the best part.... I am finally on full Summer vacation!!!  :)

Olympic Trials Day 1

One of our kids swam today.  He didn't hit his seed time, but neither did most of the swimmers!  He acutallly moved up to 67th place from 107th!  We don't have any kids in finals tonight, but plan to attend for the love of the sport.  There are a few swimmers from IL and of course Ryan Lochte and Phelps.  It should be pretty exciting!  You can watch the trials live at night on NBC. 

Here are a few photos of what we've been up to:

Statue outside the Mutual of Omaha building

I'm almost as tall as he is, right?

The world's tallest escalator!

Chris on the pool deck!

We had VIP status for this morning's session.  Way cool!

Yep, we were that close to Michael Phelps today!