Better Place

I'm honestly in a better place.  Thank you for all of your supportive comments on my last post.  As always, it means so much to know that there are people out there that get it and are cheering me on.  Sometimes just the simple fact of knowing that you are not alone in this fight means everything. 

I lost myself in reading last weekend.  It was just what I needed... to lose myself in a piece of fiction.  I actually read all three of the Fifty Shades of Grey books last weekend.  I have some thoughts I want to post on the books, but that's another post.  I seem to forget how wonderful it is to get lost in a book and become so engrossed in characters that you start thinking about them at random times.  Chris was amazing and allowed me literally to stay in bed all day last Saturday.  The only time I left the house last weekend was to have dinner with one of our swim team families on Saturday night!

This week at school was a little less intense with my challenging student.  We have him on a Crisis Safety Plan, so hoping that now we have a plan in place we won't need it.  He is utterly exhausting.  He's also very attached to me and can be a very kind sweet boy.  I have some theories that came to light this week as to why this kid has gotten to me so much.  That's also another post all together.

Remember the technology position I wanted for this school year but it was given to another woman who had the elusive certificate?  She hasn't really worked out this year- and in fact has been RIF'd for next year due to performance.  Why do I know this?  It was accidentally sent out to the entire district on the staffing plan for next year!  While I have not had a good working relationship with this woman, I do feel bad that this news was made so graphically public.  However, the good news... is that the position is back open for the fall.  And imagine this... they have removed the certificate as a requirement!!!!  After some soul searching with Chris and talking with my principal, I decided to put my name in the hat once again.  My principal informed me that the District Admin responsible for this position actually emailed him a week before I spoke to him asking if I would consider applying.  Hoping that is a good sign that things might just work out this time.  I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but man am I ready for a change after this school year!  I've emailed the Admin and applied officially through the district website.  I haven't heard anything, but the applications remain open until May 15th.  My principal told the District Admin that I was reluctant to apply due to the way that it was handled last time.  So at least that is out there.  

Chris and I are at a really good place.  Some of that has to do with my reading last weekend.  :)  Mostly, we've just had some really good quality time together.  We don't see each other much at all during the week but have made the weekends really count.  Only one more weekend until I lose him for every single weekend for the summer- so I'm trying to cram in as much as I can each weekend!  Yesterday we got the window boxes installed on the front of the house and got the early flowers planted.  Here in the midwest, you just never know when the last frost will be, so you have to be careful.  I'll post some photos soon.  Right now we only have pansies and violas planted since they are very frost hardy.  We also started a project inspired by pinterest of tipsy pots.  Of course I wanted them painted purple, so we had to do that first!  Seeing the flowers already makes me smile.  It really is the little things that make the difference, isn't it?

Chris also finished all of the floors in our main living space.  I LOVE them.  He has to do the stairs now and we've started to refinish all of the furniture.  We're definitely nesting.  Let's hope that we can get all the must do projects finished before we get the call.  Ok, scratch that... if we get the call tomorrow we'd be thrilled!

Thankfully I have some orders to fill for PB Creations.  I need to get things moving again with the business so it can continue to pay for our advertising costs.  We're currently spending close to $350 a month (which is less than our lawyer would ideally want).  Our homestudy is now a year old, and essentially expired.  We've been assured that it is all fine by both our attorney and social worker.  But it makes me REALLY nervous.  Trying to stay positive and trust the experts.... but that goes against my nature.  Never really expected that we'd still be waiting one year later.  Really thought that we'd finally catch a break and be the lucky ones in a quick match.  Trying to stay hopeful that our match is out there... and will find us very soon!

CD 1...again

Today marks CD1.  The second AF since the D & C.  A remarkably normal 34 day cycle.  (As normal as a PCOS gal can ask for)

So now what?  We were told that we needed to wait at least two cycles before "trying" again.  We also know that our last miscarriage was of a genetically normal fetus.  I've been taking the CCRM "sucky egg" cocktail of supplements for two months now. 

I've sent off an email to my beloved CCRM nurse.  I have the name of a local RPL specialist and need to make a call to get a consult with her office.  I need to call our adoption attorney.  We haven't had any calls from her in more than a month. 

I've had another really hard week at work.  My one very challenging student had a really rough day.  I've had 9 IEP meetings in the last two weeks and all the paperwork to go along with that.

I feel like I am in a hamster wheel.  The scenery never changes.  I work my ass off going in circles and in the end... I am right where I started.

It really all comes back to...

CD1 again,

Days like this....

Today was a challenging day in my classroom.  I work as a middle school special education teacher.  Most of my students have learning disabilities, but I have one particular child who also has some emotional/behavioral issues.  His learning disabilities are so severe that he is not appropriate in our ED/BD program. 

This child has taken so much of my time this year.  He exhausts me.  His mother is somewhat involved, and sends me emails and communicates.  However, there is NO follow through at home at all.  I think the home is a little hectic from what I have learned.  We've been working with his mom and doctors to get the right medication for him.  I start feeling like we've made one step forward with his behaviors and then we end up two steps back.  Today was a five step back kind of day.  I don't want to go into details for obvious reasons, but know that I am constantly in a battle with this student about just about everything- including the need to keep your eyes open when walking around the classroom.  (He happens to be the same student that I mentioned locked himself in his own locker)

I am exhausted at the end of the day.  I worry about how I will be able to handle being a parent after doing this all day.  I ask my coworkers how they do it and they assure me that it is possible.  :)  They remind me that it is so different when they are your own children.  It is different when you have control of the environment at home and are responsible for their little lives.

We've had several people ask us why we are hoping to adopt a newborn rather than adopting from the foster care system.  Yes, I am a special education teacher and have the skill set necessary to work with a child who has emotional and learning needs.  Chris has the patience of a saint and works with all sorts of children through our swim team.  I just can't imagine coming home and having to "work" like I do all day with my students.  (And yes, I know being a parent is work- I'm using the term here to refer to the fact that my job is working with children with needs)  Yes, we could do it.  And we honestly hope to do it in the future- we really do.  But right now, it just doesn't feel like the right fit for us. 

I know this seems like a selfish choice, and trust me I feel that way about it all.  But I want to have the opportunity to raise a child from birth... a child that knows what it feels like to be loved and nurtured from the very moment they enter this world. 

So much of my day is spent "erasing" pain and learned behaviors from my students messed up home lives.  My heart aches for them when I am helping them deal with the pain that a parent has caused or they are trying to recover from years of acting out because they didn't understand how to communicate. Too many times I spend a day working through an issue with a student, only to have a new one appear the next day.  I deal with parents who are over-involved, under-involved, and just plain crazy.  There are parents who have no desire to parent.  Middle school students need parents as much- if not more- than toddlers! 

I know that parenting is hard.  I've witnessed friends struggle with making the right decisions as they parent their children.  I know that there are no guarantees in parenting, and there is always a chance a child we adopt (or give birth to) can have some special needs.

But it's days like this that make me yearn to be a parent even more.  I want to have the opportunity to come home after a long day and snuggle with my own child.   I want to know that I am doing EVERYTHING in my power to let a child know that they are loved and help them grow into an amazing person. 

Please let days like this be few and far between.  And let's hope that the day when I come home to a child of my own is very, very, soon.

Other stuff

Thank you for all of your love and support over the past week.  This is my place to dump all of my emotions so that I can carry on in my daily life.  And while infertility and my baby lust does define a big part of who I am, there is so much more to my life. So this post is all about that stuff... the "other" stuff.

I've started running again.  It's a slow start but I am really hoping to be able to run the 5k on the 4th of July.  I've walked it the last two years, and am hoping that this is the year I can finally run it.  I don't do well in heat, so this could be a crazy goal, but we'll see.  I am training using the "ease into 5k" app on my phone.  I am fortunate to have a coworker who has run with me in the past agree to train with me.  She is getting married in June, and wants to lose weight before her wedding.  She is the same coworker who went with me on my shopping trip- so we are just a good "match" for each other. Abi has been a great friend and has listened to me as we've endured the ups and downs of the last year.

I spent yesterday with Abi and a few of her bridesmads.  We got all of her wedding invitations put together.  It felt nice to be able to put my talents to use to help my friend.  I've also been working to get my etsy shop stocked again with some new card designs.  I had an idea to create Mother's Day cards for people like me and others who find Mother's day a hard day.  You can see on of them here. Hoping to get things up and running again with PB creations so that I can help offset the costs of our adoption advertising.  I've had a few orders lately, so that has helped fuel my creative soul to get things done.  I was on such a roll with things and then we learned I was pregnant and spent two months in limbo.

And that's just the hard part.  I start to feel human and get my life back and then WHAM- I end up pregnant or we have an adoption fall through.  It takes the wind out of my sails and I can't function.  I am hoping and praying that I can keep my momentum this time- no matter what.  I need to keep focus on those other things.

I'll leave this post with a photo of Chris and I on Easter.  Man, I love this guy- even if he can't handle a serious photo to save his life!

Tired of being "Normal"

After leaving yet another message with the office staff at the OB, I finally got a call back from the OB himself this afternoon.  Honestly, I really like him as a doctor.  He has always been kind and straight forward with me.  It's the rest of the staff at the office that I can do without.

He apologized for not getting back to me sooner.  They've changed to electronic records and he hasn't quite embraced it.  He was expecting a written report for the lab, and it simply "appeared" in my file without him realizing it.  Who knows how long it's been there.

The fetus was completely genetically NORMAL.  46 perfect chromosomes.

My heart sank when he told me.  I was so hoping that it was just bad genetic luck.  Nope, another completely normal fetus that my body has not allowed to thrive and grow.  It's not just "meant to be" due to some horrible chromosomal anomoly.  It's my body killing off perfectly normal embryos.  Guess that throws out Dr Sch theory that the first m/c was due to the no-result embryo being the one that implanted.

The OB was kind and told me that he too, had hoped that we would learn that it was a genetic issue.  He also was honest and said that there really was nothing more he could do to help us.  He said he was more than willing to support me in anything I needed going forward, but that he was not comfortable taking the lead on my case.  He said I was "unusual" and needed to work with a specialist.  He couldn't think of anyone locally that specializes in RPL, and even shared that he doesn't think that anyone in the field really understands RPL.

So- where do we go from here?  Chris is willing to consult with another doctor, as long as it doesn't cost more than what we can afford without impacting our adoption fund.  I agree.  If only we'd won the megamillions- even just a few numbers!  It seems really foolish however, to attempt any additional treatment without knowing anything about what is now causing my RPL.  He is willing to get a consult with Dr. Kwak- Kim since she is local to us anyway.  I suppose it can't hurt to at least find out what her thoughts are on it all.  I'm also sending off an email to my beloved CCRM nurse to get her thoughts.  I'll keep taking the supplements.  None of them can hurt me- and they all have good "life" effects other than egg quality.   I wish we had someone that would volunteer to be a surrogate for us- someone we know and love.  But that just doesn't seem to be in the cards either.

I dreamed last night that we had finally adopted a baby boy.  It was one of those dreams that was so real and vivid that it seemed real.  I woke up sad when I realized it had really just been a dream.  My dear sweet Patches was also in my dream, alive and well playing with the baby.  We were also surrounded by others who had adopted- but all of them were same sex couples.  Not sure what that part of my dream means.  I wish I felt that this all was a "sign" but I just don't buy into that anymore.

Our homestudy expires two weeks from tomorrow.  It's been a full year since we completed the process.  We went active with our attorney in September- so it's been more than 6 months that we've been actively trying to adopt.  We'll just have to update things for our homestudy and of course pay another fee but it isn't nearly the process it was the first time.  I was so hopeful that we'd finally get lucky and not need to update our homestudy- we'd be matched quickly.  But it looks as if our adoption path is going to head the same way our treatment path went.

I hate being in this dark place.  I don't want to feel this desperation that I am feeling right now.  Becoming a mother has been my goal for so long.  Please, pretty please, universe- let it all be worth it.

Baby Lust

I've recently discovered this term.  Yes, I know it's been out there for a long time.  But it just seems to be fitting with where I am at right now.  I am totally feeling baby lust.

Now, let's be honest.  I've been trying to have a baby for more than a decade now.  I've injected god knows what into all parts of my body, endured multiple surgeries, flown across the country four times, and witnessed the + sign on the HPT only to have it ripped away three times in the past 18 months.  Clearly, having a baby has been a driving focus in my life.  I've put my life on hold in more than one way waiting for the day we are finally called parents.

However, there is just this sense of urgency that is building with me lately.  At first I was turned off (pun intended) with the term baby lust.  Lust feels like a dirty word- but if you take out the connotation, it really does seem to fit.  Much like a teenage boy thinks about s*x every moment of the day, I find myself dreaming about babies at the most bizarre moments.

The idea creeps into my daily routines.  Daydreaming about the day I finally hold my baby in my arms is the first thing I do in the morning, and the last thing I do before I drift off to sleep.  The phone rings and I pray that it's our attorney calling to let us know about a situation... the situation that is finally meant to bring us to our forever child.  Every single time I open my email, I hold my breath in hopes that there will be an email from our agency or another person giving us a lead that will bring us to our forever child.  I literally feel a hole in my chest just writing about it now.  I am so ready.  Chris is so ready.  We are so ready.  When will it finally be our turn?  When will we finally hold our forever child in our arms?

I called the OB today and had to leave a message with the moron receptionist.  I had to repeat three times that I had a d&c and needed the testing results.  At one point I considered saying, "I need to find out if the dead fetus removed from my uterus was chromosomally normal or if perhaps yet again my body killed the fetus due to some unknown issue."  I refrained from that statement, but given the opportunity I might just say that if I have to call back.  It is now after 6:00pm and I have not received a call back.  Not a call from the OB, not a call from the nurse.  No flipping call.  It's been more than the 8 weeks which was supposed to be the longest the results would take.  And the OB assured me he would call me as soon as he had results.  These results are HUGE.  I don't think anyone in the office really cares.  I need to know if this was just another case of bad genetic luck, or if it is really time to admit that I will never be able to carry a child.

We need to make some decisions going forward once we get this information.  I am 150% committed to our adoption plan.  I know that our child was meant to find us.  But I need to know if I should consider going on BCP to prevent another pregnancy that will end once my hostile uterus gets involved.  Nobody can tell me why we can't get pregnant and stay pregnant.  I know in my heart that there is NO way I can emotionally, physically, or spiritually handle a fourth miscarriage.  But if we learn that there is a chance that we just had some bad luck in the genetics department, I am willing to let nature do its thing.  (I know that we can once again have bad luck that ends up in m/c- I am 37 with PCOS, I get that...)

I've been taking the supplements for a month, and all in all feel pretty good.  I am 99% sure I'm ovulating right now.  It goes against every bone in my body to avoid s&x at this point, but it's what has to happen.  I can't risk another doomed pregnancy so soon.  We were told to wait two cycles regardless, so we are really following what we were told still.  Given the current state of baby lust however, it is taking lots of will power.  And let's be clear- ten years of infertility and three miscarriages pretty much suck all of the "regular" kind of lust from your body. 

So for now, I am daydreaming of babies and imaginary nurseries.  Hoping that one day soon I won't have to dream and we will finally have our forever child in our arms.  And let's hope that someone from the OB office calls before I have to get ugly. 

Spring Break Adventures

I've only just now had a few moments to reflect on my Spring Break adventures.  For the past two years, Chris and I have taken a fabulous tropical vacation trying to erase the pain of loss and infertility.  This year we knew that we couldn't afford to do such a trip.  Chris also needed to continue with swim team and had a meet scheduled for the end of Spring Break.  In a moment of shear inspiration, I came up with the idea to visit two of my favorite women in North Carolina at the start of break and then head to Indy to meet him and the team for the meet.   I proposed the idea to Chris who was all for it.  It meant I could renew my soul for only the cost of a plane ticket.  I booked early enough that I got a good deal on airfare, so I was able to limit my guilt at spending the money for this trip.

Before heading out on my adventure, I was fortunate to attend the wedding of my good friend Jamie's daughter.  I made the invitations for the wedding and did the placecards as well.  I'll share those in another post.  Here's the beautiful mother of the bride along with myself and another good friend, Bridget. 

The next morning I boarded the plane in Milwaukee and heading to Atlanta.  After a 3 1/2 hour layover, I was finally on my way to Jacksonville, NC.  Mandy's husband is a Marine who is stationed at the base there.  I was one of only a few non-Marines on the plane into the small airport.  She met me and we headed to dinner with one of her friends.  We then went to see Hunger Games- something we've been planning to do since I convinced her to read the books.  It was so fun to see the movie with her!

We got to her house late on Sunday night, so it was Monday before her kids were able to see me.  It was so fun to spend time with the little ones and see my close friend as such an amazing and caring mother.  We headed out to the aquarium.  It was so fun to experience the tanks and nature trail through the eyes of little ones.  Here are some of my favorite photos of the day:

Christopher had to read all the signs along the Nature Trail

A view along the Nature Trail

Probably my favorite photo- Stella and Christopher in front of the large tank in the Aquarium

I also really wanted to at least put my feet in the ocean this Spring Break.  It wasn't St. Lucia or Aruba warm, but the kids and I got in and played in the water.  I would have loved to sit on the beach with a good book and soak up some rays.  However, life with a 2 & 4 year old doesn't permit such luxuries, which was just fine by me. 

I'm in the ocean!

View of the Beach

Christopher running from the waves

My time with Mandy was short, but full of laughter and lots of long talks.  I simply adore this girl, and can't imagine how I would have gotten through the past few years without her support.  We don't see each other very often and most of our conversations are over text, but I am so thankful for her friendship.  She is an amazing mother and I hope to one day be able to have her help me transition into motherhood. 

Mandy drove me into the depths of North Carolina to meet Beverly for the hand off.  We had planned to eat lunch together, but the restaurant we planned to visit was closed and there weren't any viable options where we were at.  So, Beverly and I headed to Raleigh and Mandy made her way back to Jacksonville.  She was able to find a park to let the kids get some energy out after being cooped up in the car, though!

Beverly and I started our eating adventure with Barbecue. I've been schooled about NC barbecue before, but Beverly allowed me to eat Barbecue Chicken rather than traditional BBQ.  It was yummy, but not the sweet BBQ I am used to here in Chicago.  We made our way to her home, where her darling husband served as bartender for the evening.  The two of them made Limoncello last summer- and let me tell you- it was AMAZING.  We also had some margaritas to go along with the fajitas that Beverly made for dinner.  The margaritas didn't quite live up to the hype- but were VERY strong!  I think that Stephen is a little heavy handed as a bartender!  :)

The next day we spent talking and eating and shopping.  We had lunch at a Peruvian restaurant.  The music and atmosphere made me feel like I was on a tropical island!  I had chicken along with some Tamarind juice.  The last time I had tamarind was on St. Lucia!  We later had dinner on the balcony at a downtown restaurant.  I had SheCrab soup and chicken.  We passed on desert so that I could get the one thing I HAD to have while in North Carolina....

We used to have a few of these in Chicagoland, but they have since closed.  We can get them in our grocery stores, but it just isn't the same as a HOT FRESH NOW one right off the line.  We had to wait about 20 minutes for them to start making them again, but it was oh so worth it!

Beverly is an amazing woman who has been so much more than a friend.  She is a mentor, confidant, and the older sister I never had.  She has helped me through some of the challenges of my family and has also allowed me to talk about my issues with faith openly.  I am so very thankful to have her in my life and really wish we lived closer.  We are working on a plan to get me back to Raleigh this summer.  Beverly wrote a beautiful post about my visit on her blog.

The next morning I had to make the trip to Indy to meet Chris and our swim team.  Unfortunately, I came down with the flu.  At first I thought it was just from eating all of the new foods, but it was clear it was the flu.  It was a LONG day of flying, and I joined the mile high club- just not the good one!  Thankful for seats at the back of the plane on the aisle!

I missed most of the meet while in Indy, but Chris and I did have a chance to walk around the city on Saturday afternoon.  The kids didn't swim as well as expected, so we found ourselves with a hotel room and evening to ourselves.  We walked along the canal and saw some of the memorials along the way.  Indianapolis is a beautiful city, and I am looking forward to going back later this summer for the Junior National Meet. 

While it wasn't the Caribbean, this trip was just what I needed to heal my soul.  Spending time with these two amazing women was just what I needed.  Chris and I were able to have some time together, too.  So thankful that I had the moment of genius to plan this trip!

~~~~~~
Today also marks two months since the d&c.  We still do not have the results from the genetic testing.  I thought about calling while I was on my trip, but realized I didn't want to get that news while I was trying to heal my soul.  So, I'll call on Monday and hopefully the results are in.  I've been taking the supplements for a month now, and feeling better overall.  While I am feeling refreshed, my need to become a mother is even stronger now than it was before.  Please, please, please, let the universe finally see that we are ready to become parents.