We haven't really had our typical amount of snow here in Chicagoland this winter. We've only had two real storms before the one today. We actually had no snow on the ground for the past few weeks- which is a little strange at this point of the year.
I really love snow... in December and maybe even through January. I love it even more when we get a snow day out of it. That's one of the true perks of being a teacher! (As a side note, I do think it is ironic that my friends in the south have had several snow days this year while we haven't even come close to one!) I love how it makes everything look bright and pretty- even the ugliest of trees and homes looks pretty with a fresh coat of snow.
But the hate comes in on days like today. (I know hate is a strong word, but it fits here, ok?) I had to drive into school in the midst of the storm- because it just wasn't enough to merit a snow day, but enough to make the roads slick. We haven't had much snow, so people seem to forget how to drive in it. The worst offenders are those who are OVERLY cautious! I also had the pleasure of shoveling the driveway since Chris wasn't able to do it today. I could have left it- but then it just becomes treacherous because he never seems to be able to do it. I am thinking we really need to invest in a snowblower! So I am sore and still reeling from a nasty cold. Not thinking this is going to be a smart move on my part, but we'll see.
And I get to spend tomorrow on a field trip with 200 6th graders at a Chicago Wolves Hockey game. Good times!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In other news, we really haven't done anything on the adoption front. I am working on the website and had a little one on one tutorial with my favorite tech gal today after school. I am planning to work on it over the next week or so. We need to make the big decision about the 800 number and also interview a few adoption attorneys. If anyone has recommendations for adoption attorneys in the Chicago area, I'd love to hear them!
Looking forward to a girls weekend starting Friday. Spending the weekend with friends from work at the Spa and lounging around. Putting together a little craft project for us to do, too. Need to make that up tonight. Hoping that a little creative time will ease my hatred towards the snow!
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Last One Standing
I've spent the last week reading all three books of The Hunger Games trilogy. This is a young adult series that is all the rage with the middle/high school set as well as adults. I have a few kids attempting to read the first one, so I decided to read it over break. I quickly finished it and had to get the next two. Needless to say, the books have a way of pulling you in.
I don't want to give too much away in case you want to read them (or see the movie, I hear that there is one in the works) but I will give you the main concept of the first book. Two children from each district are chosen to fight in the annual Hunger Games where they have to face crazy challenges and eventually fight to the death. The last one standing is the victor. In the end, being the victor isn't all it's made up to be. But the victor is a survivor. The victor is forever changed from the experience.
Lately, I've been feeling like that victor. The last one standing. However, it's not that everyone else has died, but has gone on to become parents. They've gotten out of the games. We've all endured the challenges that years of infertility brings. They may not include poisonous gas or bees that cause hallucinations, but the lasting scars can be just as deep. While the other have gotten out of the games, I know that they are forever changed from the process.
I've had some moments of sadness over the past few days realizing that I may very well be the last one standing once again. My heart is full of joy for those who have found their way out. I am trying hard to find hope in their successes, knowing that means that it could happen for me. We've started our new journey and I am trying to be oh so hopeful that our day will come. I just need to change my strategy.
With adoption, there are things in my control, things I can be doing. I am feeling rather overwhelmed right now. We also need to wait until Chris gets his coaching check in order to make any decisions that also require money. It's frustrating once again to be stuck because of finances. It's only temporary, of course. But I want to move forward more than anything. So for now, I will do what I can and take care of the things that aren't out of my control.
For those of you reading who have made their way out, please know that I am truly THRILLED for you! I debated about this post, but know that I created this blog as a way to work out my feelings. I don't really have anyone in my "real" life who gets it like all of you. Please know this isn't a "poor me" post, but just my feelings at this time.
I don't want to give too much away in case you want to read them (or see the movie, I hear that there is one in the works) but I will give you the main concept of the first book. Two children from each district are chosen to fight in the annual Hunger Games where they have to face crazy challenges and eventually fight to the death. The last one standing is the victor. In the end, being the victor isn't all it's made up to be. But the victor is a survivor. The victor is forever changed from the experience.
Lately, I've been feeling like that victor. The last one standing. However, it's not that everyone else has died, but has gone on to become parents. They've gotten out of the games. We've all endured the challenges that years of infertility brings. They may not include poisonous gas or bees that cause hallucinations, but the lasting scars can be just as deep. While the other have gotten out of the games, I know that they are forever changed from the process.
I've had some moments of sadness over the past few days realizing that I may very well be the last one standing once again. My heart is full of joy for those who have found their way out. I am trying hard to find hope in their successes, knowing that means that it could happen for me. We've started our new journey and I am trying to be oh so hopeful that our day will come. I just need to change my strategy.
With adoption, there are things in my control, things I can be doing. I am feeling rather overwhelmed right now. We also need to wait until Chris gets his coaching check in order to make any decisions that also require money. It's frustrating once again to be stuck because of finances. It's only temporary, of course. But I want to move forward more than anything. So for now, I will do what I can and take care of the things that aren't out of my control.
For those of you reading who have made their way out, please know that I am truly THRILLED for you! I debated about this post, but know that I created this blog as a way to work out my feelings. I don't really have anyone in my "real" life who gets it like all of you. Please know this isn't a "poor me" post, but just my feelings at this time.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
One hour
The social worker was here for a grand total of an hour today. She did a quick look around, asking about smoke detectors mostly. Romeo was a pain in the butt- wish I had gone with my instincts and sent him away for the day. I had coffee and fruit- she politely declined it all. Oh well, I was prepared!
So really we just went over paperwork- lots of it. She left all of it here for us to fill out and get back to her. I was able to get most of the copies made for her. We need to go and request a copy of our marriage certificate- I can't even remember the last time I saw it- if we ever had one even! We both still need to get in for physicals and we have to get the vaccinations updated for the beasts. We've neglected those on the elderly furbabies- it just didn't seem important to put them through the trauma of going to the vet for that stuff when they appeared to be on their way out. Will have to call and make those appointments too. We also have to get our well inspected- or at least the water from it. We also both need to get our physicals too.
Chris will be meeting with her on the 18th, and I am meeting with her on the 24th for our individual interviews. We didn't cover ANY of our history today- which I thought was a little strange. I guess we will go over more that in our individual meetings. We will then have a final meeting with both of us. She did let us know that the state of IL is really slow right now in getting foster care licenses approved. (In IL, you have to be an approved foster home in order to adopt) She said it is taking close to 2 months if not more. She can't even submit that until all of the above stuff is done on our end too.
So my hope is that we will be homestudy approved by Spring Break. That gives us almost three full months. I had originally planned to hold off on getting our website, etc up and running until our homestudy was done, but I don't know if I will wait that long. I am planning to get working on the website more intently in the coming weeks. There are so many things swirling in my head right now.
Thinking we might need to look into retaining a lawyer once again as well. I feel like we were taken by our attorney in the failed adoption of 2007. I felt like she took our retainer, and when things went south, we never heard from her again. She is a highly regarded adoption attorney in the area, so I don't know what to think. So many options- all which cost $$$$. Do we get our own 800 number and field calls ourselves? Or do we pay someone to do that for us? We really need to make a decision on that soon as it will be an important part of our contact information on the website and our marketing materials.
It seems crazy to even write that last statement- marketing materials. It's hard to wrap my head around the idea that in many aspects, this is a business transaction. We have to sell ourselves to potential birthparents out there. We have to contract with professionals and pay for every service along the way. I guess it isn't all that different than paying the medical professionals- is it?
Lots to think about. Back to work tomorrow. I've spent most of my break absorbed in all of this and really didn't do much else. It will be nice to be back in the routine I suppose.
Thank you for all of your supportive comments on my last post. It means the world to me to know that so many of you are there with us along the way. I don't know what I would have done over the past year without the support of all of you. I hope you don't plan on going anywhere- I have a feeling the ride is about to start once again!
So really we just went over paperwork- lots of it. She left all of it here for us to fill out and get back to her. I was able to get most of the copies made for her. We need to go and request a copy of our marriage certificate- I can't even remember the last time I saw it- if we ever had one even! We both still need to get in for physicals and we have to get the vaccinations updated for the beasts. We've neglected those on the elderly furbabies- it just didn't seem important to put them through the trauma of going to the vet for that stuff when they appeared to be on their way out. Will have to call and make those appointments too. We also have to get our well inspected- or at least the water from it. We also both need to get our physicals too.
Chris will be meeting with her on the 18th, and I am meeting with her on the 24th for our individual interviews. We didn't cover ANY of our history today- which I thought was a little strange. I guess we will go over more that in our individual meetings. We will then have a final meeting with both of us. She did let us know that the state of IL is really slow right now in getting foster care licenses approved. (In IL, you have to be an approved foster home in order to adopt) She said it is taking close to 2 months if not more. She can't even submit that until all of the above stuff is done on our end too.
So my hope is that we will be homestudy approved by Spring Break. That gives us almost three full months. I had originally planned to hold off on getting our website, etc up and running until our homestudy was done, but I don't know if I will wait that long. I am planning to get working on the website more intently in the coming weeks. There are so many things swirling in my head right now.
Thinking we might need to look into retaining a lawyer once again as well. I feel like we were taken by our attorney in the failed adoption of 2007. I felt like she took our retainer, and when things went south, we never heard from her again. She is a highly regarded adoption attorney in the area, so I don't know what to think. So many options- all which cost $$$$. Do we get our own 800 number and field calls ourselves? Or do we pay someone to do that for us? We really need to make a decision on that soon as it will be an important part of our contact information on the website and our marketing materials.
It seems crazy to even write that last statement- marketing materials. It's hard to wrap my head around the idea that in many aspects, this is a business transaction. We have to sell ourselves to potential birthparents out there. We have to contract with professionals and pay for every service along the way. I guess it isn't all that different than paying the medical professionals- is it?
Lots to think about. Back to work tomorrow. I've spent most of my break absorbed in all of this and really didn't do much else. It will be nice to be back in the routine I suppose.
Thank you for all of your supportive comments on my last post. It means the world to me to know that so many of you are there with us along the way. I don't know what I would have done over the past year without the support of all of you. I hope you don't plan on going anywhere- I have a feeling the ride is about to start once again!
Monday, January 3, 2011
Reflections on my 2010 Intentions
That's a mouthful, isn't it?
A few years ago, I stopped making resolutions and instead making intentions. I think I got the idea from Ali Edwards (a scrabooking icon for those of you who don't know her). Last January I made 5 intentions. You can see the original post here Let's see how I did...
1. Be hopeful.
I think I honored this for most of the year. I had some low points, especially after our BFN in February. The miscarriage in October stole what was left of my hope, but I think I truly had hope for most of the year. With that hope came a great deal of pain, but I really don't regret letting hope in. I am sure I will let it seep back into my life this year in time.
2. Live a more healthy life
Big failure here. I had good intentions at times, but I really focused my energy on getting pregnant. This is also something that I intend to work on in 2011.
3. Organize my home and classroom
I would give myself a C+ in this area. In the recent weeks, I've done lots of organizing here at home, but my classroom is another story. The pregnancy and miscarriage this fall just really took lots out of my ambitions when it came to being organized. Either I was on a lifting restriction, or just didn't have motivation. Another one to continue into 2011.
4. Continue to put my Marriage first
I really worked on this in 2010. I feel like we really are in a good place. It's amazing what the heartbreak of failed cycles and a miscarriage can do for a marriage- both good and bad. Taking the trip to St. Lucia was also key in this department. We've also taken the step back from family and really huddled into our nuclear family of two. This feels right at the moment. Hoping the strong foundation of this year will help us as we go into 2011.
5. READ & CREATE
Yep, this one is a big failure too. I did read more with my various bedrests and recent vacation, but not what I used to do. The storm also took out my studio for almost half of 2010, so that kept me from being as creative as I would have liked. Another area to continue on.
So that's the run down. I have some thoughts about 2011, and many of the above will continue.
2010 was all about getting pregnant.
2011 will be about becoming parents through adoption.
Tomorrow is our first homestudy visit. I am as ready as can be. Chris is a little annoyed with all of my "fretting" about things. He simply said to me, "Why wouldn't we be approved?" Of course he knows exactly what I need to hear. Will post more after our visit tomorrow.
A few years ago, I stopped making resolutions and instead making intentions. I think I got the idea from Ali Edwards (a scrabooking icon for those of you who don't know her). Last January I made 5 intentions. You can see the original post here Let's see how I did...
1. Be hopeful.
I think I honored this for most of the year. I had some low points, especially after our BFN in February. The miscarriage in October stole what was left of my hope, but I think I truly had hope for most of the year. With that hope came a great deal of pain, but I really don't regret letting hope in. I am sure I will let it seep back into my life this year in time.
2. Live a more healthy life
Big failure here. I had good intentions at times, but I really focused my energy on getting pregnant. This is also something that I intend to work on in 2011.
3. Organize my home and classroom
I would give myself a C+ in this area. In the recent weeks, I've done lots of organizing here at home, but my classroom is another story. The pregnancy and miscarriage this fall just really took lots out of my ambitions when it came to being organized. Either I was on a lifting restriction, or just didn't have motivation. Another one to continue into 2011.
4. Continue to put my Marriage first
I really worked on this in 2010. I feel like we really are in a good place. It's amazing what the heartbreak of failed cycles and a miscarriage can do for a marriage- both good and bad. Taking the trip to St. Lucia was also key in this department. We've also taken the step back from family and really huddled into our nuclear family of two. This feels right at the moment. Hoping the strong foundation of this year will help us as we go into 2011.
5. READ & CREATE
Yep, this one is a big failure too. I did read more with my various bedrests and recent vacation, but not what I used to do. The storm also took out my studio for almost half of 2010, so that kept me from being as creative as I would have liked. Another area to continue on.
So that's the run down. I have some thoughts about 2011, and many of the above will continue.
2010 was all about getting pregnant.
2011 will be about becoming parents through adoption.
Tomorrow is our first homestudy visit. I am as ready as can be. Chris is a little annoyed with all of my "fretting" about things. He simply said to me, "Why wouldn't we be approved?" Of course he knows exactly what I need to hear. Will post more after our visit tomorrow.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Good Riddance 2010!
What a difference a year makes! I was so very hopeful at the end of 2009. I don't regret that hope, but I do wish all of that hope paid off.
I thought I'd outline the good... the bad... and the ugly of 2010.
So there it is- a brief synopsis of 2010. Sadly, the bad and ugly outweighed most of the good this year. But I am a survivor. I made it to the end of this year.
So for now, I say goodbye to 2010- one of the toughest years in my life. I know many of you have had similar years. My heart goes out to each and every one of you. May 2011 be full of happiness for us all!
I thought I'd outline the good... the bad... and the ugly of 2010.
THE GOOD
- We took an AMAZING vacation to St Lucia. It was a splurge, but worth every last penny. We finally had the honeymoon we dreamed of, even if it took us 14 years! It was a week of reconnecting and spending time together. I think it was a trip we will always remember!
- We have a brand new exterior on our home. We finally have a home that we can be proud of (at least from the outside) Not only do we have the benefit of the appearance, we also have a much more energy efficient home thanks to new windows, siding, & roof.
- All three of our furbabies are alive. I know I have said it before, but I do know that our days with my beloved Patches are numbered. For now, I am going to continue to cherish my sweet girl. She makes me nuts with the number of times she must go out, but we knew that this would be the price we paid in her senior years. She was a really easy puppy, so it is only fair we are paying the price now.
- My marriage is strong. We celebrated our 14th wedding anniversary. We've endured the most challenging years full of so much heartbreak. But we made it. We survived.
- We've started the adoption process. I am excited about this new chapter. I am scared to death at the same time.
THE BAD
- I had to step back from my family. I don't regret this decision, but it has been a big change in my life. I hope that we will one day be able to mend the relationships. This is what is best for all of us for now.
- A storm damaged our home. It was a long process to get it all fixed, with lots of sleepless nights, emptying buckets, and crying. In the end, it was a mixed blessing as we were able to make many needed repairs to the house thanks to the insurance monies.
- We've once again stopped infertility treatments. I am sad about this. I wish we could pursue a few more options, but my desire to be a mother is stronger than my desire to be pregnant.
THE UGLY
- I am not pregnant.Yes, this is rather obvious if you read my blog. This is the ugly truth. Most of 2010 was focused on our endeavors to get pregnant. We made two trips to Denver, transferred four embryos in what was called textbook perfect cycles. The first was just a simple BFN- one that stunned us and our RE. The second, well, that was even worse.
- I miscarried our perfect little angel. I am forever changed. I have known was it was to be pregnant and feel the changes in my body. I know what it feels like to have new life inside my body. My heart will forever be just a little bit heavier when I think of what could have been.
So there it is- a brief synopsis of 2010. Sadly, the bad and ugly outweighed most of the good this year. But I am a survivor. I made it to the end of this year.
So for now, I say goodbye to 2010- one of the toughest years in my life. I know many of you have had similar years. My heart goes out to each and every one of you. May 2011 be full of happiness for us all!
&*#% You Mother Nature!!
I have a real end of the year post in draft form, but needed to vent.
Guess what just showed up? Yep, AF. F U Mother Nature!!!!
I had a medically induced AF on December 10th. That was 21 freaking days ago.
I have rotten cramps.
I have big plans for tonight. Too much to get done before Tuesday.
Seriously?!
Guess what just showed up? Yep, AF. F U Mother Nature!!!!
I had a medically induced AF on December 10th. That was 21 freaking days ago.
I have rotten cramps.
I have big plans for tonight. Too much to get done before Tuesday.
Seriously?!
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
One week... YIKES!
Our first home study appointment is one week from today. I think I am more nervous about this than I was with any of my surgeries! I don't think I would be as nervous if it wasn't also taking place in our home. Feeling LOTS of pressure. (And I am sure most of it is self-imposed)
We live in an old home- one that has been in my family for 4 generations. I love its charm and character. I really do, but it is far from the perfect home. Add in the fact our home was under construction repairs for almost half of 2010, and there is a lot of work to get done. Chris and I have always been sensitive about the appearance of our home, and now that we have someone coming in to "inspect" it, I am about to lose my mind. Chris has a surprisingly calm attitude about it all. He was a freak about all of the details before we had a date set, and now he seems very laid back and whatever is, is... He is also working crazy hours over winter break between the high school team, club team, and private lessons. So that leaves me here at home making myself nuts.
So, if there are any of you reading who have been through the process- Can you calm my nerves? Can you tell me what to expect? What if there are things that she feels need to be corrected? What happens then? Does that mean you have a negative rating? What things did your social worker look at? Were there things that she needed you to correct? I guess it is good that I am obsessed about the physical space so I can start to panic about the actual interview process!
I think it's just hard when you have failed so long to feel like you might actually end up with a positive outcome. In our early treatment days, I was not always treated with dignity and respect, so I think I am projecting some of my feelings about that onto this adoption process. It's also so very hard from going from the "top" if the treatment world in sense of knowledge/experience to a whole new unknown world. I mean after 10 years of treatment, you know what to expect. This is all new to me- and VERY scary.
Then there is the big cloud- what if we are found to not be good candidates for parenting? What if all these years of treatment failure was the universe trying to tell us that we weren't meant to be parents? I hate the fact that we have to prove ourselves at all. I guess I need to resolve that in the next 7 days!
I am sorry I have not been a good ICLW participant this month. I think the combination of the holidays and this upcoming homestudy is just more than this girl can handle.
We live in an old home- one that has been in my family for 4 generations. I love its charm and character. I really do, but it is far from the perfect home. Add in the fact our home was under construction repairs for almost half of 2010, and there is a lot of work to get done. Chris and I have always been sensitive about the appearance of our home, and now that we have someone coming in to "inspect" it, I am about to lose my mind. Chris has a surprisingly calm attitude about it all. He was a freak about all of the details before we had a date set, and now he seems very laid back and whatever is, is... He is also working crazy hours over winter break between the high school team, club team, and private lessons. So that leaves me here at home making myself nuts.
So, if there are any of you reading who have been through the process- Can you calm my nerves? Can you tell me what to expect? What if there are things that she feels need to be corrected? What happens then? Does that mean you have a negative rating? What things did your social worker look at? Were there things that she needed you to correct? I guess it is good that I am obsessed about the physical space so I can start to panic about the actual interview process!
I think it's just hard when you have failed so long to feel like you might actually end up with a positive outcome. In our early treatment days, I was not always treated with dignity and respect, so I think I am projecting some of my feelings about that onto this adoption process. It's also so very hard from going from the "top" if the treatment world in sense of knowledge/experience to a whole new unknown world. I mean after 10 years of treatment, you know what to expect. This is all new to me- and VERY scary.
Then there is the big cloud- what if we are found to not be good candidates for parenting? What if all these years of treatment failure was the universe trying to tell us that we weren't meant to be parents? I hate the fact that we have to prove ourselves at all. I guess I need to resolve that in the next 7 days!
I am sorry I have not been a good ICLW participant this month. I think the combination of the holidays and this upcoming homestudy is just more than this girl can handle.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)