What is fair???

Just when I thought that I had everything under control, I get news yesterday that just knocked the wind out of my sails.  My sister is pregnant with #3.... and I just can't even believe it.  She has lost her job, can't handle the two kids she has, and yet is blessed with another pregnancy.  I am angry... and incredibly sad.  How is any of this fair?  How can one sister be so darn fertile while the other spends thousands of dollars on invasive procedures just for a chance to get pregnant? 

My family has all known for some time.  You see, this "accident" occured just when my first IVF failed.  No one wanted to tell me.  The only reason I was told was because my niece, in all her innocence, spilled the beans.  So once again, Patience has been left out.  Chris is taking this really hard, and I can see the pain in his eyes. 

My faith has never been thinner than it is right now.  My sister doesn't even beleive in God, and yet she has been blessed.  I am starting to wonder if there even is a God.  There is just so much pain and suffering in this world.  I know in the grand scheme of life, my pain is small.  However, my ache to be a mother is so strong that it takes my breath away at times. 

In a few short days, we will know if we, too have been blessed.  Now I understand why my mom has been so interested this time... she wants me to get pg so my sister won't feel so bad.  I know this anger is the last thing I need right now.  Trying to find my happy place....

Impatient

Its a good thing that my name is Patience.  Most days that is all the patience that I have.  I have amazing patience most days with my students, but for most everything else I am very impatient.  The waiting is killing me.  Tomorrow marks one week since the transfer, and one week till the beta test.  We're at the half-way mark.

I am having some cramping on and off today.  It is very similiar to menstral cramps, but it is way to early for that.  I don't remember them from last time, so I am hoping that is a sign of good things to come.  My breasts are also VERY sore and heavy feeling.  Another sign I don't remember from last time.  I am trying to be hopeful.  I am also VERY hungry today and can't get enough to eat.  I don't remember that at ALL last time. 

I can't focus on much once I get home.  There are plenty of things I could do around the house, and things that I enjoy to do.  However, I just don't have the focus for anything. I didn't sleep well last night, so maybe it is just fatigue today.

With all the technology out there, why can't they make this wait move along quicker?  For now, I just have to wait.  I have no control over any part now, so I just have to do everything I think that I can to make a difference. 

Today is one of my least favorite days of the year...

Mother's Day.  Just the sound of it makes me cringe.  It's as if the entire world is celebrating what I don't have. The one feeling I hate the most is being left out... and that is the biggest feeling on a day like today.  While I treasure my mother and grandmother, part of me even resents the fact that they are part of a "club" that has denied me membership month after month.  My younger sister is a member, and uses today to remind me that I am not.  Two years ago I was reminded that I was "not a mother" so therefore I should be helping with the cleanup after dinner.  That was the last time I attended a family Mother's Day party.  Last year we went to visit Chris' parents.  This year mom took grandma to visit the new baby in Springfield... the new baby that my UNMARRIED cousin has... 

Am I bitter?  I suppose so.  I know that I should be so very hopeful today.  For in all essence, I have two precious embryos safely inside me right now.  Will they decide to stay nice and safe?  Only time will tell.  My only hope is that Chris will not have to endure another Father's Day from the outside...

 

On cruise control...

Our rollercoaster ride seems to have come to a smooth spot.  I am not sure where it will take us, but we are once again feeling a little more hopeful.  On Tuesday we transfered our two embryos.  The embryologist was reported as saying that one of them was "stellar"  The RE assured me that he doesn't usually compliment embryos... think she was just trying to make me feel better. 

The "stellar" embryo was a Grade 1 8-cell and the other was a Grade 2/3 6-cell.  We are now cautiously optimisitic once again.  I did the extra day of bed rest, and will continue to take it easy for the next few days. 

So now we wait... although we are on cruise control, it's so hard not to have any control!  We will find out the results of this cycle on Chris' birthday.  I have mixed emotions about that.  I truly hope that he will get the best birthday gift ever. 

I want off this roller coaster ride!

I have debated as to what I wanted to write here.  I am so sad and frustrated right now.  I have never been a fan of roller coasters, and that is really what this entire journey has been.  You climb up and up and a steady pace, and then you plunge back to the bottom in a matter of moments.  I am sitting at the bottom right now, wanting so badly to get off this darn ride.  Yet, I am strapped in and have no choice but to hold on and see what happens next.

The retrieval was yesterday after a huge argument between Chris and I the night before.  This darn process has just put so much strain on our marriage, but in the end it has really made it stronger.  That is another story.  Of all of my supposedly wonderful follicles, we only got 7 freaking eggs.  I had a MAJOR meltdown post ER, and the nurse and Dr didn't really know what to do.  How can I have doubled my meds and still end up with LESS eggs than last time????  The retrieval was also sooner than I have ever been "ready" on only CD#12.  I am so frustrated with the RE right now, and unfortunately she was not the one to do the retrieval or give me the crappy news today.  The RE on call was very compasionate, but really had no answers for me.  I am 29, with an FSH of 4.  There is NO REASON to only get 7 freaking eggs!

To make things even better, only 4 of those eggs were mature, and only 2 fertilized.  So now I am praying that those two little embryos continue to develop and divide and we end up with at least the two of them to transfer on Tuesday. Once again, I planned on a day 5 transfer, and have to make all kinds of adjustments to my schedule once again.  We won't know what they look like until we get there on Tuesday morning. 

I've been told time and time again that perfect cycles often end in BFN and not-so-perfect cycles end in BFPs.  I am hoping that will be true in my case.  Our perfect cycle ended in a BFN.  We have a back-up plan already.  We plan to return to my beloved RE that is closer to home.  She is not on our insurance, but they are much more progressive in their practice and I am so much more comfortable with her. They are also so much closer to home.

I am pretty umcomfortable today.  Chris had to return to work to do a training today, so I am home alone.  I should call my family, but not one of them bothered to call yesterday to see how I was doing.  I will back down and call mom as soon as I finish this entry.  I always do.  

So now I wait.  I try to keep busy, but there is only so much you can do when your ovaries are screaming at you.  My heart is breaking, my spirit is broken, and yet I persevere.  I am strapped in for the ride of my life... 

Retrieval is set for Saturday...

My body has never done anything the way I wanted it to.  Nothing different this time!  The retrieval is set for Saturday at 9 am, which means Chris has to reschedule part of his training.  In the end, it will all be worth it for our little miracle!

My E2 level is over 1800, and we have several follicles that are over 18 in size.  I am hoping that we will indeed end up with more eggs this time.  I fear that the increase in dosage only created eggs faster instead of more eggs.  It is all out of my hands now, and all I can do is wait.  I am really feeling the ovaries now, and honestly am glad that we will be doing the retrieval sooner than later.  I am starting to get really nervous.

I have been so calm through the cycle up to this point, and now I am facing the reality that we will know the end result of this IVF in a few short weeks.  That is the one of the most terrifying parts of all of this.  It doesn't help that Mother's Day is next Sunday, and I will be in the midst of my 2ww at that point.  I can't endure all of the commercials. 

I forgot how much strain this process puts on my body, my mind, and my spirit.  I've been going through all of this with blinders on... trying to keep the calm face on.  I haven't allowed my mind to think about too much of anything, and now all of those thoughts are racing through.  My body is honestly sore, and I am amazed at what it will allow me to put it through.  If anything, I have been acutely aware of my ovaries and my body!  My spirit is another story.  This journey has truly taken its tole on my sprit, and I know that it will never be the same.

I am waiting for Chris to get home so he can jab me once again... this time with the giant needle!  I am hoping to get lots done around the house before Saturday morning, because I know I won't want to do much at all for the next two weeks.  Off to finish loading the dishwasher...

Things are cookin'

Well, I had my first monitoring appointment this morning.  I was a little nervous that I would be oversupressed from the lupron/BCP combo. All is good.  I even have some larger follicles on both sides.  E2 was just over 500, so I guess I am right where I am supposed to be.  Same doses tonight and then back on Wednesday.  The IVF coordinator is estimating ER as early as Saturday, which seems pretty early to me, but we will see!  Dh is supposed to do a training all weekend, and he is the only one who is able to do it.  Life could get a little interesting!  I am hoping that things will slow down a little and ER will be Monday.  But when do our bodies every cooperate with what we want?! 

I am a little frustrated with the fact that *I* have to carry more of this process than DH does.  I have to drop everything when it is time for the injection.  I am the one who has to endure all of this.  I know that he would do whatever it takes to make this work, but it is *I* that has to carry this burden with me all of the time.  This is an argument we have had time and time again.  Yes, we are in this together.  But it is my body we are messing with here.  Enough of that....

I am still feeling very calm.  I was a little disappointed this morning, I would have liked to have seen a little more activity.  I am really hoping to have 3 blasts to transfer and at least 6 to freeze.  A girl can dream, right?