Retrieval is set for Saturday...

My body has never done anything the way I wanted it to.  Nothing different this time!  The retrieval is set for Saturday at 9 am, which means Chris has to reschedule part of his training.  In the end, it will all be worth it for our little miracle!

My E2 level is over 1800, and we have several follicles that are over 18 in size.  I am hoping that we will indeed end up with more eggs this time.  I fear that the increase in dosage only created eggs faster instead of more eggs.  It is all out of my hands now, and all I can do is wait.  I am really feeling the ovaries now, and honestly am glad that we will be doing the retrieval sooner than later.  I am starting to get really nervous.

I have been so calm through the cycle up to this point, and now I am facing the reality that we will know the end result of this IVF in a few short weeks.  That is the one of the most terrifying parts of all of this.  It doesn't help that Mother's Day is next Sunday, and I will be in the midst of my 2ww at that point.  I can't endure all of the commercials. 

I forgot how much strain this process puts on my body, my mind, and my spirit.  I've been going through all of this with blinders on... trying to keep the calm face on.  I haven't allowed my mind to think about too much of anything, and now all of those thoughts are racing through.  My body is honestly sore, and I am amazed at what it will allow me to put it through.  If anything, I have been acutely aware of my ovaries and my body!  My spirit is another story.  This journey has truly taken its tole on my sprit, and I know that it will never be the same.

I am waiting for Chris to get home so he can jab me once again... this time with the giant needle!  I am hoping to get lots done around the house before Saturday morning, because I know I won't want to do much at all for the next two weeks.  Off to finish loading the dishwasher...

Things are cookin'

Well, I had my first monitoring appointment this morning.  I was a little nervous that I would be oversupressed from the lupron/BCP combo. All is good.  I even have some larger follicles on both sides.  E2 was just over 500, so I guess I am right where I am supposed to be.  Same doses tonight and then back on Wednesday.  The IVF coordinator is estimating ER as early as Saturday, which seems pretty early to me, but we will see!  Dh is supposed to do a training all weekend, and he is the only one who is able to do it.  Life could get a little interesting!  I am hoping that things will slow down a little and ER will be Monday.  But when do our bodies every cooperate with what we want?! 

I am a little frustrated with the fact that *I* have to carry more of this process than DH does.  I have to drop everything when it is time for the injection.  I am the one who has to endure all of this.  I know that he would do whatever it takes to make this work, but it is *I* that has to carry this burden with me all of the time.  This is an argument we have had time and time again.  Yes, we are in this together.  But it is my body we are messing with here.  Enough of that....

I am still feeling very calm.  I was a little disappointed this morning, I would have liked to have seen a little more activity.  I am really hoping to have 3 blasts to transfer and at least 6 to freeze.  A girl can dream, right?

Its a beautiful day

It is a beautiful day here.  The sun is shining and the air is crisp.  I am still feeling pretty calm this time around.  I had a strange dream last night about the retrieval, but I think that is just my subconcious, though.

My allergies are raging right now, and I can't really take anything but the basics.  I called the IVF coordinator begging for some relief, and all she could offer was tylenol and sudafed.  Oh well, it will all be worth it in the end.

I have a nasty bruise from last night's injection.  We'll have to be more careful tonight.  I go in on Monday for my first monitoring appt.  I hope that we'll have lots going on in my little ovaries and we will be off to a great start.  Its hard at this point to make any plans because I have no idea as to when my retreival or transfer will be.  Again, I am trying to be laid back and just take things as they come.

Here we go....

I went in this morning for baseline.  My ovaries are nice and quiet and my E2 level is right where it is supposed to be.  A new tech tried to take my blood... unsuccessfully... and I have a big bruise to prove it.  Luckily the other gal was there and was able to get it on the first try.  I left with bandages on both arms.  :-)

I will start my first dose of Gonal-F tonight.  We're upping it to 525- more than I have EVER taken.  I don't really know what to expect since I have never been on a Lupron protocol before.  I will also be continuing the Lupron, but cutting the dose back to 5 units.  Back on Monday to see if we have anything brewing. 

The progesterone in oil came in today.  Boy, those are giant needles.  Not really looking forward to using that, but I really think that is going to be the magic for this cycle.  I feel that I have not had enough support in the past.  I am amazingly calm right now and not feeling anxious at all.  I hope that will continue as we go through the cycle.  I put 95 miles on the new car today... getting to the Dr's office and then to work really adds up.  Oh well, at least I have a great car to be in!  :-)

I have decided NOT to do the accu this time.  I just didn't get my act together, and I am not sure that we can really handle the added expense.  I will talk to Chris about it when he gets home tonight and see what he has to say. Trying to stay really positive this time!  :-)

A new day

It is a new day.  The sun is shining brightly and it promises to be a warm spring day here in Chicago.  I am feeling much more hopeful this morning.  It's amazing what a day can do!

We bought a new car yesterday... It is a beautiful car and we splurged a little with it.  Of course, I kept asking the salesperson about the car seat safety features, and the side curtain air bags.  It is most definitely a "mom" car in many respects.  DH and I joked about getting a mini-van, but I have sworn that I will never drive one!  That is another story all together!  We bought a Kia Sorento- and traded in my Kia Sportage.  We've spent so much time holding back due to TTC that it was nice to just do this.  We spent the ENTIRE afternoon there yesterday haggling to get the price we wanted.  Now I will have a nice car with a sunroof to drive to all of my appointments in!  :-)

I think the side effects of the Lupron are starting to lessen.  I am having a hard time sleeping at night, but so is Chris.  The poor guy slept about 2 hours last night.  I think he is more anxious about everything that he is letting on. 

Hoping to spend some time outside today.  Time to enjoy life a little!

Back in the Saddle again?!

It has been some time since I last wrote here.  It has taken most of the past two months for us to grieve and come to terms with the BFN in February.  It has gotten easier, but my heart still aches at least once a day- as I see a new mom holding her infant, as I watch my niece and nephew open Easter baskets, as I see families together at the store... I don't think I have ever had to endure anything quite like this struggle.

So, here we are gearing up for IVF #2.  I am trying so very hard to NOT obsess and to NOT get all worked up.  Easier said than done.  Deciding to wait until after our trip was one of the best decisions we have made.  I was much more ready to get back on this roller coaster ride after some time in the sun! 

The photo was taken at sunset on our cruise home from the Bahamas.  It was really nice to have some time just for the two of us... without our infertility barging in. We drank, and had a nice relaxing time.  Remember when life was like that?  Remember when we didn't have to consider the possibility of how every tiny little minisule decision would impact our fertility?  I am starting to forget what that was like.

I started the Lupron on Easter Sunday.  Has to be some good karma there, right?  I think this drug is making me nuts... other than that I am just going plan crazy on my own.  I have been in tears almost ever night this week.  Could it be that I was on those darn BCPs once again and am now waiting for my cycle to start?  Am I just having the world's worst case of PMS?  As I drove the hour home last night in tears, I wondered how in the world I will ever make it through this IVF.  Why do I have to endure all of this?  WHY? 

On the outside, I am trying to have the positive attitude I have promised everyone I would have this time.  I've been told to surround myself with positive people, think positive... all of that will help me end up with the BFP in the end?  Or will it?

I HATE the person that infertility has made me become.  I am a negative person most of the time, and am just not able to "let loose" at all.  I wonder how I have become this person.  I wonder why those in my life still choose to be around me.  Will I ever get back to the person I once was?  Or am I permanently destined to be this person?  What will happen once we have some resolution to our infertility?  Will there ever be a resolution to our infertility?

Thoughts to ponder...  Anyway, here is the game plan for this cycle-

Started Lupron 10 units on CD 21, Stopped BCPs on CD# 23.  Once AF is here, will go in for baseline u/s and b/w.  Then will start stims on CD#3- don't remember exact dosage of the Gonal-F this time, but know it is more than double what we had last time.  We are hoping for some embryos to freeze this time.  ER/ET should be towards the end of April/Early May.  Just in time for Mother's Day?!

Another failure

So the news came on Monday afternoon... another negative.  I just don't know WHY this keeps happening to us.  We were so sure that IVF was going to be our miracle cure.  Yet, here we are once again wondering what we have done to deserve the heartache of infertility.

My heart is breaking, but yet I am so numb from this.  We have a follow up with the RE on Monday to see what went wrong.  I just want some answers, yet I know that we won't get any.  If we just knew WHY this didn't work, we might be able to make some sense of it all. 

We have decided to wait to do IVF #2 until we return from our trip in April.  In the meantime, I have to pick up all the pieces of my life.  We really put everything on hold for the past several weeks in order to give our all to making this work.  Now we have to deal with the grief as well as get everything back in order.

I am really struggling with my faith right now, as is Chris.  It's just so hard to believe...