Risks

The moment pictured above almost gave me a heart attack.  My little man was in his element and screaching with joy.  And yet, this momma was terrified.  Somehow I think this isn't the last time we'll have such conflicting emotions at the same time.  I'm pretty sure my boy is a natural risk taker.  And let's face it, after the years of loss and heartache we went through to become his parents, I'd like to skip any risk taking at all.

The photo was taken at the Raleigh airport.  They have an amazing observation deck that allows kids and adults to see the planes take off and land.  We had just dropped Daddy off to head home and we stopped here for a few minutes with our friend Davis.  This is a regular stop for Davis and Beverly.  The deck is about one story off the ground, and has the protective railing you see in the photo.  Quinn was so excited to see the planes and to jump and run on the platform.  At one point he even dangled his foot through the railing.  It was at that moment that I am pretty sure my heart stopped for a moment.  Taking the photo you see here was about as far away from him.

My heart would like to wrap him in a bubble forever.  My brain knows that he has to learn to explore the world and take risks.  He's going to get hurt and he needs to know that I will be there to dust him off and encourage him to try again.  He's had his share of bumps and bruises already- the joys of early walking.  It's not the little things that worry me- it's the big things.  As I saw him dangle his foot, my brain knew he wouldn't fall, but my heart immediately went to the worst case of him falling to the ground.  The same is true when he races to the big kid playground equipment and climbs to the top.  (That would be a lot easier if the would take the slides down instead of insisting on climbing back down!)

While I am sure all parents have these worries, I think those of us who have dealt with infertility feel it with a different set of lenses.  I spent years preparing myself for the worst possible scenario as we went into each new treatment cycle or adoption situation.  It was easier to mentally prepare for the worst and then be surprised if the worst didn't happen.  Of course, we had too many times where the worst did happen.  It's a mind set that I keep using in every situation that has a potential to be challenging.  It has served me well at times, but I fear it is now tainting my parenting. 

So it's all about balance.  I can't change my internal protective shield, but I can change the way I express it to Quinn.  I'm working on quieting that screaming heart racing lunatic in my heart, and keeping her tucked safely in my soul.  I don't want to be a helicopter parent, and more than anything I worry about sheltering him too much.  He's already got to deal with having older parents and being an only child.  I don't want to fall into the stereotypes those two categories often perpetrate. I want him to take risks and learn and grow, and I hope that I can also learn and grow as I watch him.

Anyone else having the same struggle?  Thoughts?

Life with a Toddler

Life with a toddler is intense.  It's amazing and wonderful, but intense.  I don't think I was prepared for just how intense life would be.  This little face lights up my world, but also drains just about every drop of my energy each day.  I wouldn't trade a moment, but this momma is running on fumes most of the time.

Quinn is now 16 months old and in constant motion.  He's 27 lbs and 33 inches, so most people expect him to be closer to 18 months when they ask how old he is.  His gross motor skills are off the charts.  He's not only walking, but running just about everywhere.  He loves climbing and wants no part of the little kid playground stuff- he goes right to the big kid steps.  However, he wants no part of slides, so getting down from the top of said playground equipment is often interesting!

He's talking, but still has a rather limited vocabulary.  He uses one word, "da" for about 100 different things, so you have to know the context to know what he wants.  He still hasn't called me momma, but says Daddy and doggy regularly.  My friends with boys tell me this is very normal, and once they start saying momma they won't stop... ever.  He seems to be getting a little frustrated lately, as it is clear he knows what he wants but doesn't have the words to share his desires with us.  He's still in the range of normal development here- so we're not worried.  We'd just like for him to use words rather than the screams he's currently using.  :)

Thankful that I am now on summer vacation, and have some time to figure out some systems and spend some much needed quality time with my boys.  We  spent some time with good friends in Raleigh and I managed my first flight solo with Quinn.  We spent last weekend with our high school age swimmers on a travel meet to central Wisconsin.  Hoping to have some down time now to just enjoy all that summer has to offer a curious toddler!  We've done two children's museums already, and he's loved each one.  We're hoping to head to the zoo next week.  There's about a million things I want to do with our little guy now that he is big enough to enjoy them!  We also put in a patio and bought some outdoor toys for Quinn.  He wants to be outside as much as he can.  He's a boy after our own hearts!

Trying to find a balance.  Working through some thoughts that I am hoping to write up here soon.  Thank you to all who have reached out to me via email or comments here.  I know I keep saying it, but hopefully I can find time to write here again.  Just like our infertility and adoption journeys, this parenting journey is full of things I need to process and bounce off you!

On the eve of his first birthday...

A year ago, I can only imagine what was happening in Quinn's birthmother's life.  Chris and I were in the throws of daily struggles with M and I was cautiously hopeful that we were going to be parents in a few months.  Little did we know that Q's birthmom had already made a decision that would forever change our life.  It was a few more days until we learned about Quinn, and a few more before he was in our arms, but this sweet boy was about to make his entrance into the world.

I am grateful that we've been able to send monthly updates to her, and hope that she will allow us to continue to do so.  I'm at a loss for words as I write this month's update.  The magnitude of this milestone for all of us weighs heavy on my heart.  I can't imagine our life without Quinn, and I don't know that I will ever be able to understand the decision she made to place with us.  We are forever thankful, and believe with our whole heart that Quinn was the child meant to be in our arms.  We'll spend the rest of our lives making sure he knows how loved and cherished he is- by us and his birthmom.

I have only the emails from her on that first day we learned of Quinn as the documentation of his birth story.  While there's a tiny part of me that is sad I wasn't there to experience his entrance into the world, I also cherish the notion that it was a time for just Quinn and his birthmom.  I don't have a birth story to share- but I do have the story of our weekend in "labor" as we had to move mountains to get him in our arms. 

Tomorrow will be about celebrating this little miracle and his first year on this earth.  But for tonight, I'm going to reflect on the gift of life and the amazing wonder of adoption. 

Saturday morning musings

It's a quiet Saturday morning. There's more snow falling outside, and winter has a firm grip on Chicago this year. Chris was up early to head to the pool for practice, and my sweet boy is still sound asleep. You would think I'd be enjoying the time sleeping as well. My mind has other ideas. 

Quinn is less than two weeks away from turning one. My heart can't even believe it. When I think back to a year ago, we had NO idea how much our life was about to change! We were working closely with M, and the daily stress was starting to get to me. Little did I know that Quinn's birth mom had already made a decision and was preparing to give birth and place with Chris and I. I don't think I'll ever have the capacity to understand the emotion and intent she went through.  I wish that I could meet her and give her a hug, but that us not what her wishes include. I have so much love and respect for a woman I've never met and I will spend the rest of my life being grateful for this amazing woman. I only hope that I can instill the same sense of love and respect in Quinn.  

This parenting stuff is far from easy, and adoptive parenting adds another dimension. I want my son to grow up to be a kind and strong soul who makes an positive impact on the world. I can only hope that the decisions we've made in this first year have started to lay a foundation for just that. 

Listening to the sounds of him waking in the nursery makes my heart swell and also means my quiet musings will have to end here for today. 

Reflecting on 2013

It's almost impossible to put into words.  Twenty thirteen was one heck of a year!  When I look back at this post I wrote on January 1st, I was finally feeling hopeful that 2013 was going to be our year.  Boy was it ever! 

After years of wishing, praying, hoping, dreaming, that this would be the year... we finally did it.  We finally got to have the year of our lives.  For the first time ever, I am actually a little sad to see a year end.  It will be the year that will always hold most of Quinn's "firsts."  For that, 2013 will always be one of the most cherished years of my life.  However, I know that we have so much to look forward to, that I am also very excited to see what 2014 will hold.

Before we move on,  pardon me while I take a moment to reminisce about 2013. 

January brought lots of nesting as we prepared for M's baby.  I set up the nursery, went to an u/s with her, and she visited our home.  We had no idea how much life would change... for the better.... in the coming month!

February will forever be my favorite month ever!  Our lives changed in a moment when Quinn was finally placed in our arms on February 18th.  He was born 2/13/13 and his birthmother chose us after finding our profile through facebook.  She has chosen to remain anonymous, but we communicate with her each month via email.  We'll never understand the magnitude of her decision, and by the grace of the hard work of our attorney, we were able to move mountains to make sure he was in our forever family. 

March brought my 38th birthday.  What a difference a year makes!  Feeling nothing but the luck of the Irish this year, and loving every moment of maternity leave with my sweet baby.  No crazy spring break trips for us this year, just lots of snuggle time with our little miracle!  We also celebrated Quinn's first Easter.  He wasn't all that impressed with the chocolate just yet.  :)  M's baby is born, but we are not notified.

April meant my return to work.  It was a tough adjustment, but thankful for amazing coworkers and friends who make me love what I do. Quinn also made his swim team debut at the annual swim team banquet.  We're so incredibly blessed to have so many people who love our little man and want to support us in any way they can.   We also learned that M had decided to parent, and we made peace with being a family of three.

May brought Chris' 40th birthday.  Neither of us ever said it, but it was important to both of us that we become parents before he turned 40.  I was able to throw a (not really) surprise party for him.  Again, we were surrounded by the people who mean the most to us.  It was so exciting to share this milestone birthday with those we love and cherish.  Some of our swimmers even managed to make it home from college to surprise him.  May also brought my very first Mother's day.  What an incredible day that was!

June brought our 17th wedding anniversary... which we celebrated in Florida with our senior swim team.  It was a great trip, and Quinn's first plane ride and visit to the ocean.  Neither of us saw the ocean until we were in our 20's so he's already well ahead of his parents!  :)  He was a trooper and did very well on the trip.  Really not a fan of the ocean, but hoping by 2014 he will enjoy it just a little!

July was Quinn's first race with daddy on the 4th.  We tried to make the most of Mommy's really short summer and embraced all that summer had to offer.  We spent lots of time outside and playing with friends.  I also faced one of my greatest fears and had oral surgery in July.  The healing wasn't as bad as the anticipation!

August meant back to work for me.  It also meant a week of being a single mom while Chris was in California with our swimmers at the National Meet.  It was a tough week- I missed being with Chris on the trip, Quinn & I missed having Daddy home, and I had to shuffle Quinn from sitter to sitter for the week.  We made it work, but it was tough.  Quinn also started solid foods this month.  I was really excited for him to try avocado- he had no interest at all.

September meant the start of the Fall season.  We spent lots of time with friends, and made a trip to the apple orchard.  We tried to experience all that fall had to offer!

October brought more fall fun, with a trip to the pumpkin patch with friends from school.  Quinn also had minor surgery, and came through like a champ.  Quinn didn't do any trick or treating, but loved passing out candy at Aunt Miriam's house with everyone.  He was our little Clark Kent for Halloween- a nod to his super start in life.  :)

November reminded us to take a moment to reflect on how much we have to be thankful for.  We are so incredibly blessed!  Quinn had his first illness in November, but handled it better than mom and dad did!  He was our favorite little turkey for Thanksgiving, but had no interest in eating anything that we tried to share!

December brought the magic of Christmas.  We've dreamed of sharing Christmas with a child for so many years.  It was purely magical.  Quinn has been the greatest gift we could ever ask for. We're forever thankful to his birthmother who chose to entrust us with raising this little soul.

And now, on this last day of 2013- we can't even believe all the good that encompassed the year.  We're forever changed and can't believe we get to spend next year- and every year after that- with this sweet soul.  Our hearts are full as we look into 2014.

Thank you for those of you who are still reading.  I know I haven't been the best blogger this year.  Hoping that I'll be able to get back into a routine and be able to share some of my thoughts on parenting, adoption, teaching, and so much more in 2014.

Here's something I found online and it just spoke to me... my wishes for each of you in 2014.

Merry Christmas!

Yes, we're in matching plaid thanks to Gymboree. Please don't judge. ;)

We had an incredible first Christmas. I can't even begin to put it in words. Feeling so incredibly blessed. Santa was very good to us! 

December Update- 9 & 10 months and more

So many of the blogs I regularly read during our struggle are like this one... we're not posting nearly as much as we once did.  It isn't because I don't have things to share.  It isn't because I don't have a million things I need to process about being an adoptive mom and life in general.  It isn't because I don't yearn to be a part of the community that kept me sane for all those years. 

It's about time.  There just isn't enough of it.  There's always something that needs my attention it seems.  Hoping that will change now that I have finished one of the big time drainers...

I graduated with a second master's degree last Saturday.  This is my second MSEd, this one in Instructional Technology.  It was tough doing it all while working full time and being a new mom.  I'm DONE with taking classes for a LONG time now!

Our sweet boy is now 10 months old.  I missed his 9 month update here on the blog, but here is the gist of what I sent to his birthmom last month:

Quinn continues to grow into an amazing little man.  He's a little over 23lbs and 30 inches.  His height is now officially off the growth chart!  :)  He is on the move, and has mastered crawling, but we're pretty sure he'll be walking in no time.  He's also learned to clap for himself, and does it regularly when he pulls himself up to a sitting position.    Bottles are still his preference over solid foods, but we are working on that!  His favorites continue to be cereal and sweet potatoes with apples and he isn't a fan of anything green. 

His personality continues to blossom.  He's a really happy little guy and has a little twinkle in his eye that tells us he's got a mischievous side as well.  He's a little bit of a daredevil and is in constant motion.  He's almost always smiling and has an infectious laugh.  He and our dog Romeo are already partners in crime.  Romeo has learned to sit very close to Quinn's high chair, especially when he's eating!

Quinn "celebrated" his first Halloween as Clark Kent/Superman.  He loved greeting the trick or treaters at the door and passing out candy.  He also enjoyed his first trip to a corn maze with our swim team and attended the Illinois swimming Athlete Recognition Dinner. 

Our little Clark Kent:

We had our family portraits taken to commemorate Quinn's adoption being final.  Here are a few of our favorites:

He's now ten months old, and is growing and changing every day.  His personality is really emerging.  I can't express how in love we are with this little man!

He has eight teeth and will eat most things that are fully pureed, but wants little to do with anything textured.  Hoping he grows out of that soon!  He has 8 teeth and the next one is already starting to break through.  With his set of teeth, he could be eating steak!  He still loves his bottles but also has discovered that he really likes yogurt and other sweet treats. 

He is fully crawling, and wants to get into everything.  He loves music and rocks to the beat with just about anything.  He's standing on his own and has discovered his crib can double as a trampoline.  We're sure it is only a matter of time before he is walking. 

He was the unofficial mascot for the Warren HS girls swim team, and loved every bit of attention from the girls on the pool deck.  He's also enjoyed visits from our college swimmers as they have come home for visits.  We love that he has so many young adults who want to be a part of his life.  It makes our heart happy to see each of them make a connection to our sweet boy.

He's continuing to top the charts... he's more than 30 inches tall and about 25lbs.  He's wearing 12-18 month clothes for the most part and in 5w shoes!  He wasn't a fan of shoes at first, but is starting to tolerate them since they help him stand and get where he wants to go.  He's back to sleeping through the night, and for that we are very thankful!

His official birth certificate finally arrived right before Thanksgiving.  This was the final piece of paperwork we needed for his adoption to be completely final.  Next step is to get a passport for any adventures we hope to take.

We took him to see Santa over the weekend.  As you'll see from the photos, he wasn't much of a fan.  We know that he'll come around in a few years for sure.  There simply aren't words to describe how excited we are to celebrate Christmas with Quinn this year.  The entire holiday season takes on a new meaning for us this year.  As we close out 2013, we simply can't believe how blessed we are to share our lives with this sweet little guy!

Wishing you all a very happy holiday.  We are still pinching ourselves each day that we get to finally spend our holidays with the magic of a child.  Our hearts are so very full this Christmas!

So thankful

We have so much to be thankful for this year, but this sweet face tops our list. 

We're also so incredibly thankful to his birthmother who chose to entrust this sweet soul to us. 

Nine month update coming soon.  Happy Thanksgiving... may you all be surrounded by those you love.

8 months...

I know I say this each and every month, but I have no idea how it is possible that our little man is already 8 months old. This sweet face has stolen our hearts.

Quinn continues to be a rock star.  He's over 23 lbs and 28 inches.  He's got 8 teeth and is so close to crawling.  He enjoys cereal, sweet potatoes, apples, and pears.  He'll tolerate squash, but won't even consider anything green.  I keep trying avocado, since it's one of my favorite things right now and he won't have any part of it. 

He sits on his own, and is in constant motion.  He spins in circles anytime he's sitting.  He rolls to get what he wants and we're sure he's so close to crawling.  He loves to stand and will bounce in the arms or lap of anyone who holds him.  He's in love with Romeo, and thinks he is the funniest thing in the world.  (Romeo tolerates him, and will let him pet him but is still a little unsure of this tiny human.)

Life is crazy, but we're trying to embrace every moment of fall.  We've been to the apple orchard and the pumpkin patch.  We've enjoyed time with friends and enjoyed the summer like weather.  We can't wait for Halloween.  Here are some of our favorite moments of the past month.

Stealing a few moments of summer like weather in September.

Hanging out with friends at a Football game... Abbie wanted to hold Quinn, but I am not sure who is holding who!

Maddie poses for a photo with Quinn before Homecoming

Picking our perfect pumpkin!

My heart melts a little more each day! 

Finally FINAL

We're excited to announce that Quinn's adoption was finalized today.  After some extra hurdles with our agency, the paperwork was finally submitted and we can officially say that we are a forever family of three. 

In Illinois, families attend an initial court date close to birth, but do not attend the final court date which is more of a formality.  We got word from our attorney via email that she had the final decree in hand this afternoon.  It's official... we are parents!

While this was really just the formality at this point, as we've been his parents since the day he was placed in our arms.  But I do think I was holding my breath until everything was final.  We're breathing just a little easier tonight.

As I drove home tonight with this news fresh in my heart, the song Home by Phillip Phillips came on.  We used the song in our adoption profile video, and hearing it made me tear up.  We finally made it.  We finally have our family that we fought so hard and so long for.  I think it is going to take some time for it all to sink in. 

Thirteen years, IVF failures, miscarriages, failed adoptions, heartache and grief....

all worth it.

For those of you still fighting... I always wanted some assurance in the darkest hours that it was all going to be worth it in the end.  And while I wouldn't wish our journey on anyone, I can look back and say that I would do it all over again if it meant I would be able to hold my son today.

And that sweet boy knew his momma needed just a little more snuggles tonight.  Lately he has wanted to go to sleep on his own in his crib.  Tonight he fell asleep in my arms and snuggled into my arms.  And the tears fell as I sat there rocking him.

We made it.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart to each and every one of you who has supported us on this long path.  My heart swells with gratitude for each and every person who helped our dreams of parenthood become a reality.

Seven Months....

I've been trying to make this post for ten days, and life just gets in the way.  Honestly, life is great and I am trying to soak up every moment I can with my little man.  Often by the time Quinn goes to bed, I am exhausted and writing a post is beyond my mental capabilities.  But I want to make sure that I document Quinn's milestones, and share those with those of you who still follow our story.

 

Quinn is our miracle, and continues to be a dream baby.  His personality continues to blossom and he's more fun to be around each and every day.  He's well over 23lbs now and is moving into 12 month clothing.  Yikes!  He still prefers a bottle over food, but likes cereal, sweet potatoes, pears, and apples.  We're going to give green veggies another try, and I made some butternut squash that I am excited to try with him.  He sleeps through the night- just about every night.  He goes to bed between 7 and 8, and wakes up between 4 and 6.  We know we're pretty lucky!

He sits up independently, and loves to spin in circles.  He doesn't have much interest in crawling, but we're working on it.  He loves to be standing up and continues to be a jumper any chance he gets.  He's starting to play with toys on his own and likes to spend time on his play mat.  

He finally has teeth on the top- in fact, there are four teeth up there!  Teeth #7 & #8 have almost broken through.  I am hoping we have a break from teething once he has all 8 fully in.  He's been fussy the last few days, but we know it's nothing compared to what many babies experience.  

Even seven months in, I still have moments that I really can't believe we're really his parents. Our wait was so long and painful at times, that I simply look at him and tears well up in my eyes.  It's the simply moments like a lazy Sunday morning with us all snuggling in bed that take my breath away.  For all those days that I just wanted the assurance that it was all going to be worth it- I can finally say it was.  Every painful day brought us closer to this sweet face... and for that I am eternally grateful.

 

Closure?

We Chris finally heard from M today. 

Apparently the court granted full custody of both the baby and their daughter to the father.  M says she had no idea that was even a possibility.  She also said that she was going to an "inpatient facility"

I'm sure we weren't told the whole story.  I don't think we will ever know the whole story.  Or even a tiny part of it.

I'm angry, really angry for the first time in all of this.  I'm angry that M manipulated us again.  I'm angry that I let myself get involved again.  I'm angry that the welfare of those children may be in jeopardy.  I'm angry that someone like M was able to get pregnant twice in less than 2 years. 

I said it.  It's not fair that she can get pregnant and I can't.

Even now, it all boils down to the damn infertility crap, doesn't it?

I'm a mom. I've been given an incredible gift by an amazing woman full of grace and wisdom who has never asked for a single thing from Chris and I.  She always shares her gratitude towards us in our monthly emails even though I will always feel that there aren't enough words for me to thank her for the opportunity to share our lives with Quinn.  I can't begin to express how polar opposite my feelings and respect is for these two women.  I love every single minute of being a mom, even the really tough parts, because it's a title I fought long and hard for.  I am a mom.

I am still infertile.  I will always be infertile.  I am bitter about being infertile, especially when there are women like M who throw away the chance to be a mother and take advantage of those of us who would give anything to be a mom.

And in the end, an amazing woman who has never met Chris or I gave us the gift of being parents.  We get to spend the rest of our lives with this amazing little soul who is so bright and full of so much joy.  And because of that, I have to find the way to lose the anger and find some real closure on the entire M situation. 

Especially with a face like this looking at me....

M

Over labor day weekend, Chris and I came to the realization that we are really feeling "complete" as a family of three.  I always imagined we'd have more than one child, but I never imagined that we'd take more than a decade to finally become parents.  We aren't closing any doors, but as we looked at our little family, we can imagine a future with our little man as an only child.  For the first time in a very long time, I felt a sense of peace.

I should have known. 

Chris got a text from M on Sunday before Labor day from a new number we hadn't seen before.  This is the first contact we've had from her in a very long time.  The text said that things weren't going well with the baby's father and that she wondered if we would still be interested in adopting the baby.  It was clear she was in crisis, and we decided not to respond to the text.  She sent a second text a few hours later apologizing for everything she "did to us" (her words) and that she isn't looking for any money, she just wants to move forward with her original adoption plan.  We had some serious conversation about whether this was even something we were willing to consider.  We have Quinn's best interests to think about first, and inviting M back into our lives might not be what is best for our family.  In the end, Chris replied to her text on Labor Day Monday and told her that we were sorry that things weren't going well and if she was really serious about moving forward she needed to contact our attorney.  We really didn't think we'd hear from her again.

But we did.

She called our attorney last Tuesday and said she was serious about moving forward.  However, there's so much more to the story than she shared with us.  DCFS is involved, and she has lost custody of the baby and her older daughter.  She told our attorney that the father had them both, but was not willing to parent.  She shared that she had a court date on Monday (yesterday) and that the father was going to say that he would sign his rights away.  She had some other ideas about how she thought things would go down, and at one point asked our attorney if we would consider fostering her daughter as well as adopting the baby.  After several calls back and forth, M told our attorney that she wanted to move forward with the adoption, but she wasn't sure if the father would sign paperwork allowing things to move forward.  She told our attorney she would call after her DCFS court date.  Chris texted M and asked if we could attend the court hearing with her.  She told him no, that she was worried how the father might react.  She assured us that she would call our attorney after her court date.

We haven't heard a word.

I am angry.  I am angry that I let her turn our lives upside down, even if for only a few days this time.  As much as we tried to protect our hearts, we started to make plans for this baby once again in our lives.  It was going to be hard- the baby is 5 months old, and Quinn is almost 7 months.  Given the DCFS involvement, we know that his first 5 months of life haven't been in an ideal environment.  My heart is breaking again and it feels like losing this baby again.  I know that the father has a big part in all of this.  I wish he would provide the necessary support for his children if he is going to refuse to allow an adoption.  I am angry that M can't even contact us to let us know what is going on. We can't keep getting sucked into the drama and turmoil that is her life. 

We need closure.

We will ask her to cease all contact with us.  While my heart will always hold a special place for this little baby and I will always hope that he will be cared for, I can't keep holding on.  We have our precious son who was placed in our arms by his amazing birthmother.  She represents everything that is right and good about adoption.  She makes me cry tears of joy each month as she responds to our monthly update about Quinn.  We are forever grateful to her for entrusting his little soul to us. 

Hoping to find that sense of peace once again.  It sure was short lived....

Six months... and a few days!

My sweet boy celebrated his half birthday on Tuesday.  How in the world is it possible that he is already 6 months old?  Tomorrow marks 6 months since we held him in our arms.  My love for this sweet boy grows more with each passing day- even though I don't know how it's possible to love him more than I do at this moment.  He has made our world complete, and after 13 long years of searching for our missing piece, I can honestly say he was worth every single heart ache.  As we went through each loss, and each adoption possibility, we were told that the baby that was meant to be in our lives would find us.  At the time, those words stung and did little to ease my pain. But now... I get it.  Quinn was meant to be in our family.  We were meant to be the guardians of his little soul.  Is it exactly as I imagined it would be?  Not even close. There are parts that are more challenging that I thought possible, and other parts that are more incredible than I could have ever dreamed.

He's a big guy.  His official stats are 21 lbs, 4 oz and 28 inches long.  He's above the 90th percentile for height, weight, and head circumference.  Pediatrician is thrilled with his progress and we finally saw a little curve in his growth chart rather than the straight 45 degree angle we were seeing before!  He's healthy and strong.  He is just about in constant motion, and has the strongest little legs that are always bouncing.  He can roll all around, and sits up on his own for short periods of time.  He likes to stand up with support and the exercauser and jumper fall victim to his strong legs with constant jumping!

He's eating rice cereal, and decided he preferred the organic brand.  We're starting on other solid foods this week.  He had a little avocado last night and wasn't too sure about the texture, but kept opening his mouth for more.  I've been making some baby food and have a stash in the freezer.  It's a pretty simple process and makes me feel a little like super mom.  I wasn't able to breast feed, and I feel that making his baby food allows me some control.  I know I will need to supplement with pouches, and I am ok with that.   He takes about 6 ounces of formula about every 2.5 - 3 hours during the day.  Hoping that will decrease as he starts eating more solid food.

He sleeps through the night almost every night.  He had a rough patch after his last set of vaccines this week, and also struggled while Chris was out of town a few weeks ago.  We try to get him in bed by 8:30, and most nights it is closer to 8.  He usually wakes up around 4 am, but sometimes we get lucky and he sleeps until closer to 6.  We have to be up and out of the house by 6:30 on days that Chris has morning practice.  We're learning to balance this work parents stuff.  That's another post all together!  We're trying to get on a regular nap schedule, with three naps right now.  We're getting there.  He had been taking all of his daytime naps in his swing, but he's a little too big and mobile to use it much longer.  The transition to naps in the crib has been a little rough, even though he has no issues at night.

We took another trip this month to Minneapolis for a swim meet.  Quinn was a trooper, and managed to have a third tooth appear on the trip.  He now has FOUR teeth- all on the bottom.  The pediatrician thinks there might be two on the top very soon.  I'm afraid to put it in writing- but teething hasn't been too bad for us.  Hoping it stays that way!

We're hoping to finalize Quinn's adoption on the 28th.  There was some confusion on the part of our agency and social worker (go figure) about our fingerprints.  Appears that they expired and had to be redone.  So there was a frantic faxing session and a lovely $140 fee, but hopefully that has all been cleared now. We've been assured by our social worker that the final report is complete and once our fingerprints are back she will send it onto our attorney.  We don't attend for finalization, so it seems a little anti-climactic.  We are considering throwing a small party for our closest friends to celebrate the milestone and thank them all for helping us along the way.  

Excited about the fall and all of the new experiences we'll get to expose Quinn to.  It's also going to be a little intense with Daddy coaching the Girls HS swim team and Mommy finishing grad school.  Trying to remember to cherish each and every moment.  We've been blessed beyond measure.  Thank you to everyone who has cheered us on, and who continues to embrace our little family.

3x5 Folded Card

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The baby clothes dilemma

Wow... three posts in a month?! :)


As you might have realized, my little man is growing rather quickly.  He's above the 90th %tile for height and weight.  He's moving through clothes rather quickly.  (As an aside, I will never buy anything less than 6 months as a gift for a baby again... he had so many cute things that were 0-6 that he just never wore.)

I've had to pack up his clothes a few times now.  This morning I packed up his 3-6 month clothes.  He's pretty much in 6-9, mostly at the 9 month end.  I know that every mom has the pang of sadness when she packs up her baby's clothing.  It's a little different for those of us who've battled to get those babies though.  I want to freeze time as I hold up each little outfit.  We waited so long to have our miracle. 

And then there's the reality that he will probably be an only child.  I never imagined we'd only have one, but I never imagined that we'd take 13 years to have that one.  We aren't closing the door, but know that we won't endure as much heartache to bring Quinn a sibling.  I can't close the door at all, but Chris is ready to start pushing it closed.  That's another post all together.  It is fair to put Quinn through the heartache of waiting to adopt again?  Is it fair to force him to be an only child because we don't even try?  If something fell into our laps tomorrow- we'd be all over it.  It's something we have to spend some time thinking about.  There really aren't any easy answers, even after finally becoming parents. 

So the big debate as I am packing up?  What to keep, what to donate, and what to pass onto a dear friend.  If Chris had his way, I'd get rid of it all.    I am trying to balance it all.  I have a dear friend who is finally expecting her miracle after many years of heartache and health issues and am thrilled that HE will be able to use some of Quinn's hand me downs.  So, for now I am keeping items that I love and that I *might* use someday should we be blessed again.  If we aren't that lucky, then I will have to purge again to just the really special items.  It does make it easier knowing that what I am passing on will go to someone who will really appreciate them.  They are having to pay out of pocket for IVIG every two weeks- so I know that every little thing helps. 

We do live in a small home, and there isn't much space to keep it all.  And with each month, Quinn seems to collect more and more "necessities" so space is a premium. At this point, I am at about a 50/50 split.  I am keeping things I love, and passing on things I know will also be loved by my dear friend. 

How do you balance it all?  Yes, I know I could buy new things should we be blessed again, but that just seems silly when we have it all now, and with the costs of adoption.  How have you balanced the need for closure and looking into siblings?

Oral Surgery

Thank you for all of your comments on my last post.  It made me feel good to know that I am not alone in these questions.  Also made me remember why I love this ALI community so much!  More adoption questions and thoughts coming soon.

We spent a week in Minneapolis for a swim meet and when we returned, I had to face my greatest fear.  I had oral surgery on Tuesday.  I've needed to deal with my dental health for years, but our infertility took front seat.  I've always had a nagging thought that my dental issues might have something to do with my miscarriages, but we'll never really know.  (and I don't even really want to think about it now...)

It all started in the fall when I had a bridge become dislodged and I... swallowed it.  Yep, I swallowed it and never "recovered" it.  I had no choice but to do something since I was missing the four teeth that the bridge covered.  I literally had a panic attack and was so thankful that I was surrounded by good friends who jumped into action.  I got into a dentist that afternoon, who worked his magic both physically and emotionally.  It was fate that I ended up in his chair that day.  He was kind and compassionate, and understood my fears 110%.  (My phobia stems from my late childhood... more on that another day)

I continued to see the dentist and planned to have the major oral surgery necessary to complete the long term solution for my mouth.  However, Mr. Quinn came into our life, and things were put on hold.  We also waited to see if we would become parents to the second baby, so we were in limbo for most of the early spring.  Time passed, and I knew I needed to get back into the chair again. The temporary piece was only going to last so long, and I needed to schedule the surgery around our crazy schedules.  I held my breath as I made the call... and again the dentist office couldn't have been nicer.  They knew our story, and had been getting updates through some friends that also see them.  The oral surgeon's office isn't nearly as warm and fuzzy, but they also knew our story and were willing to work with us.

Surgery almost didn't happen due to some miscommunication with the dentist and oral surgeon, but in the end I did go through with it.  I had to have several teeth removed due to the damage from the bridges and they also had to do some bone smoothing.  It was pretty intense, but I am so glad it is behind me now.  Chris has been amazing and has taken great care of me and Mr Q this week.  The swelling has finally started to subside, and the pain has started to be manageable without the prescription meds.  I can't get the temporary piece to work just yet, so I am stuck in the house for a few more days.  The swelling inside my mouth has been frustrating and the stitches are making me nuts.  But I did it.  There's a LONG way to go until the final solutions are in place, but at least the worst is over now. 

I feel like we've had these clouds over us for so long.  Our family is finally complete (for now) and we'll finalize Q's adoption next month.  I'm finally taking steps to taking care of my dental health.  I'll finish grad school in November.  It feels like we might finally be getting all of the pieces together...

Questions from a new adoptive parent...

Two posts in two days... whoa!  :)

I have a few moments and thought I would attempt to get some thoughts down about this whole adoptive parenting thing.  We waited so long to finally have our little miracle in our arms, and now I am questioning just about everything about parenting.  I know this is normal, but man it is intensified when you've been down a long path to get to parenting.

It's not the basics... like feeding and sleeping.  Sure, I have questions about those things but those aren't the things that keep me up at night.  It's more about the big stuff.  How do I make sure he knows how much he is loved and adored?  How do I honor the way he came to be in our life, while respecting his right to privacy?  How much of his story is our story? 


One of the challenges I wasn't prepared for is the fact that many people tell us that Q looks like us.  I had read about the challenges of "conspicuous" families.  I wasn't prepared with what to say to strangers when they say that Q looks like Chris, or that he has my eyes.  Do I simply say thank you?  That feels like lying.  Do I tell them that he's adopted?  But that's his story to tell.  I don't want him to be defined by his adoption.  Where's the balance? 

We already talk to Quinn about adoption, and tell him what we know about his birthmom.  We talk about how he came to be in our life, and how much his birthmom loves him.  We'll continue to talk about adoption with him as he gets older.  As I said, I don't want his adoption to define him, but I also want him to know that it is part of who he is... and it's a really cool part of who he is. 

Thoughts from those of you who've walked this path ahead of me?  While he's still an infant, I know he'll be a teenager before I know it.  And that's when I'll need to have this all figured out, right?!

Five Months with Photos

How is it possible that my little man is already five months old? Each day I think it can't be possible to more in love with him, and each day I fall more in love. My heart is so full knowing that his birthmom chose us and has entrusted us with this little soul. Makes all the heartache worth it and all the drama in life seem silly.

He's continue to grow like a weed, and is in the 90+ percentile range for height, weight, and head circumference.  I am guessing he's over 20lbs now and 28 inches long.  He's in 6-9 month clothes now, mostly on the 9 month end.  He's eating 6 ounces at a time, and is starting to embrace rice cereal for one meal a day.  He's decided he prefers the organic brand over the Gerber brand I originally bought.  He's sleeping through the night and goes down around 8 each night.  He wakes up once in the early morning sometimes, and a few times has woken up when Chris came home from work.  

We celebrated Chris' first Father's Day.  He had a meet, but stayed home to spend a quiet morning with us.  It was emotional to finally be able to see Chris celebrate this day.  :)  

 

We also took our first trip as a family... along with 20 teenagers!  It was an adventure, but Quinn was a great little traveler!  He did really well on the plane and the change in routine.  He was NOT a fan of the ocean, however.  We think it was just a little too cold and the waves were a little scary.  

We're trying to soak up as much summer as we can.  I have a really short summer this year due to a changing school schedule.  It makes me sad, but I keep reminding myself that next summer will be even more important as Quinn will be older and more ready to have adventures with mommy.  

Quinn also ran in his first 5k on the fourth!  Chris wanted to register him so he would get his own bib, but I talked him out of that.  :)  Quinn and daddy finished in 29:15- not too shabby for their first race together.  Mommy walked it... I really need to get back into running.

Quinn thinks that our yellow lab Romeo is just about the funniest thing out there.  He's laughing all the time, and we can already see that Romeo and Quinn are going to be trouble in the years to come! Romeo has even been known to do a little tummy time right along with Quinn.  

Our Blackhawks also had some excitement... winning the Stanley Cup.  We like to think that Quinn brought a little bit of luck to them!  :)

I know I say this every month, but I am hoping to blog more.  I miss the support and insights from all you wise women out there.  Lots of parenting questions... and even more adoptive parenting questions.  Hoping that a post is coming soon!



 

FOUR months + 1 day

My sweet boy is now four months old.  His sweet personality is emerging more and more each and every day.  It's a strange paradox- while I am so very excited for each and every milestone, part of me wants to freeze time so I can savor each moment just little longer.  We waited SO long for this little miracle, and I feel like time is flying by!

He's so much fun right now and is really starting to interact and notice his environment.  He's loving his exercauser already and loves all the bells and whistles it has.  (I, on the otherhand, find it a tad over stimulating) He likes to change positions often, and also loves being on a blanket spread on the floor.  He's rolled over from his back to tummy and has made it back to his back a few times. He hasn't managed to get from his tummy to back during tummy time, but if he gets to his tummy on his own he can usually figure it out.  He has really great head and neck control, and can almost sit unassisted.

He's a sleep champ.  He's been sleeping through the night for more than a month now, and recently we've been putting him down close to 8 each night.  He usually wakes up for a feeding anywhere between 3:30 and 5:00, and then goes back to sleep until 7:30 or so.  The last few nights he's preferred to be placed in his crib to roll around before he falls asleep rather than be rocked to sleep with mama.  This makes me a little sad, but I know how huge this will be when he is a little older.  He takes several naps during the day as well.  We don't have his nap schedule down just yet and I think we'll work on that over the summer.  Since he is sleeping through the night so well, we don't feel obligated to get him on a regimented schedule during the day just yet. 

We'll go to the pediatrician on Monday for his four month appointment, but from our rough estimates he's well over 18 lbs and 27 inches.  He's going to be a big guy  :)  He's in mostly 6 month clothes- but I am sure those will be outgrown in the next week or so.  It makes me sad that he had so many cute 3 month outfits that just never managed to fit him.  I've realized I can't really buy ahead for him as we have no idea how his growth curve is going to continue.

He's eating 6 oz at most feedings, and is finally stretching out to 3-4 hours during the day.  We didn't really mind the every 2 hours during the day given that he goes for 8+ hours at night.  Our pediatrician strongly recommends waiting for cereal until 6 months.  We'll check with them at his appointment on Monday given his size, but if that is their recommendation we'll stick with it for now. He's clearly thriving on the formula!  :)

He had his first road trip over Memorial Day weekend.  We went to Notre Dame for a swim meet.  He was a trooper and loved cheering on daddy's swimmers.  He even managed to take a few naps during all of the excitement of the meet.  We'll be heading to Florida next week with our senior swimmers.  It will be his first airplane ride.  It should be interesting... it will be Chris, myself, and one other coach along with Q and 20 teens.  We're pretty excited!  I have some travel questions, but I will post that in another post.

He's talking and cooing almost all the time. He'll give little laughs, but he sure makes mommy and daddy really work for giggles.  He's such a happy guy almost all of the time.  We didn't know what to do when he was inconsolable on Memorial Day.  Turns out, he had a tooth breaking through.  We weren't really thinking about that for a few more months.  A second tooth followed that Wednesday.  He was fussy on those two days, and then was back to his normal happy self.  He's drooling quite a bit now and the two teeth are clearly visible.

  We had our second post placement visit this month and it went really well.  Our SW asked us if we would consider adopting again.  We both laughed and said that we're thinking about it.  We've learned so much this time around, and know what we wouldn't do if we chose to adopt again.  We have some debt we need to pay down from Quinn's adoption and the failed adoption before we even consider it.  We learned that we'd just need to do the homestudy update with our agency for a new homestudy should we be ready to adopt again.  Honestly, I don't know if we will at this point.  Right now, we are madly in love with this little guy and want to give him every opportunity in the world.  But, we also struggle with the idea of him being an only child- not so much for us, but for him.  That's probably another post all together.

We emailed his birthmom with photos and updates.  Initially she didn't want any contact post placement, but has agreed to receive these emails through an anonymous email account.  She always replies right away, so that makes me feel that she really does want to keep the lines of communication open.  While we hope for more openness in the future, we are forever grateful for the trust she has placed in us. 

We have one more post placement visit at 5 months, and then our attorney can file finalization papers at 6 months.  We won't have to return to court at that time, only the initial date here in our home state.  We're thinking about having an finalization party with all of our friends and family at that time.  We were so blessed with so many who helped us along the way, that we'd like to honor everyone and officially announce him as our son.  One of our close friends wanted to throw us a shower, and we thought this might be the best way for her to help us celebrate in a few months.

We tried to get his 3 month photos done, but he wasn't in the mood.  We did get one family shot in our Blackhawks gear. He already outgrew his first set, but we had to purchase since it's the Stanley Cup!  :)

Hoping to be a better blogger now that school is out.  Trying to catch up on grad school homework this week before we head out of town.  There's so much swirling in my head and heart right now that I need to share, but I just can't seem to sit down and write.  I do read many blogs... but from my phone which makes it hard to comment.  That's one of my big goals for the summer... get back into my blogging routine.  We'll see.

Love to you all....