October 15th

Today is National Pregnancy/Infant Loss Awareness Day. The timing is interesting to me. The fact that it appears that the bleeding has started strongly again today, on this day of national remembrance.

There is an amazing project called I am the Face that is putting a face on those who have lost a pregnancy or infant. I stumbled across this site after a friend posted the link on facebook. So many women who have been impacted by such loss. No two stories are the same, but knowing that you are not alone is reassuring.

I am trying to find Hope in all of this. I really am. I am having a hard time- as I don't get pregnant very easily (You might have noticed that...) I don't have the hope of getting pregnant again as a way to move on. This was our first miracle pregnancy after 10 years. I don't have another 10 years in me. But how can we simply walk away from treatment after getting so very close? Oh how I wished this didn't happen now. I mean, I would want it to happen ever, but to happen on our very last attempt- that just stings.

Besides the obvious pain of this, I am angry that once again I have been blindsided by fate. If you read back to before we found out we were pregnant, I was ready to close this chapter of our life. I was ready to wave the white flag and ride off into the sunset with dignity and grace. The dragon had other plans. Just once I wanted to have some sense of control over the situation.

The pain has been pretty strong today and the bleeding has increased. I am thankful for the vic.odin and the heating pad. I am also so very thankful for my nurse at CC.RM. She has been amazing through all that we've been through. While I know she is paid to do her job, she has gone above and beyond and showed such compassion and kindness to Chris and I. (I think the feeling is a little mutual as she told me tonight that she saves her favorite patients for the end of the night- and just called a little bit ago!) Working with her has been such a contrast to the many nurses I have worked with over the years. She always returns calls and emails right away and takes the time to ask how we are doing- and really listens to what we have to say. She has taken a genuine interest in us, and for that I will be forever grateful.

So where do we go from here? I don't know. I am not feeling very strong the last few days and the pain- both physical and emotional seems to come in waves. I know that time will heal, but I know that this has forever changed me. I've felt what it meant to be pregnant. And while it only lasted a short time, now I know what I am missing. I think that makes it even harder to walk away. But we really want to be parents. Can we really keep doing the same thing? Or is it time to take a new path? The risks are so very high now, but my only solace is that there is a reward in becoming parents.