Finally FINAL

We're excited to announce that Quinn's adoption was finalized today.  After some extra hurdles with our agency, the paperwork was finally submitted and we can officially say that we are a forever family of three. 

In Illinois, families attend an initial court date close to birth, but do not attend the final court date which is more of a formality.  We got word from our attorney via email that she had the final decree in hand this afternoon.  It's official... we are parents!

While this was really just the formality at this point, as we've been his parents since the day he was placed in our arms.  But I do think I was holding my breath until everything was final.  We're breathing just a little easier tonight.

As I drove home tonight with this news fresh in my heart, the song Home by Phillip Phillips came on.  We used the song in our adoption profile video, and hearing it made me tear up.  We finally made it.  We finally have our family that we fought so hard and so long for.  I think it is going to take some time for it all to sink in. 

Thirteen years, IVF failures, miscarriages, failed adoptions, heartache and grief....

all worth it.

For those of you still fighting... I always wanted some assurance in the darkest hours that it was all going to be worth it in the end.  And while I wouldn't wish our journey on anyone, I can look back and say that I would do it all over again if it meant I would be able to hold my son today.

And that sweet boy knew his momma needed just a little more snuggles tonight.  Lately he has wanted to go to sleep on his own in his crib.  Tonight he fell asleep in my arms and snuggled into my arms.  And the tears fell as I sat there rocking him.

We made it.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart to each and every one of you who has supported us on this long path.  My heart swells with gratitude for each and every person who helped our dreams of parenthood become a reality.

Seven Months....

I've been trying to make this post for ten days, and life just gets in the way.  Honestly, life is great and I am trying to soak up every moment I can with my little man.  Often by the time Quinn goes to bed, I am exhausted and writing a post is beyond my mental capabilities.  But I want to make sure that I document Quinn's milestones, and share those with those of you who still follow our story.

 

Quinn is our miracle, and continues to be a dream baby.  His personality continues to blossom and he's more fun to be around each and every day.  He's well over 23lbs now and is moving into 12 month clothing.  Yikes!  He still prefers a bottle over food, but likes cereal, sweet potatoes, pears, and apples.  We're going to give green veggies another try, and I made some butternut squash that I am excited to try with him.  He sleeps through the night- just about every night.  He goes to bed between 7 and 8, and wakes up between 4 and 6.  We know we're pretty lucky!

He sits up independently, and loves to spin in circles.  He doesn't have much interest in crawling, but we're working on it.  He loves to be standing up and continues to be a jumper any chance he gets.  He's starting to play with toys on his own and likes to spend time on his play mat.  

He finally has teeth on the top- in fact, there are four teeth up there!  Teeth #7 & #8 have almost broken through.  I am hoping we have a break from teething once he has all 8 fully in.  He's been fussy the last few days, but we know it's nothing compared to what many babies experience.  

Even seven months in, I still have moments that I really can't believe we're really his parents. Our wait was so long and painful at times, that I simply look at him and tears well up in my eyes.  It's the simply moments like a lazy Sunday morning with us all snuggling in bed that take my breath away.  For all those days that I just wanted the assurance that it was all going to be worth it- I can finally say it was.  Every painful day brought us closer to this sweet face... and for that I am eternally grateful.

 

Closure?

We Chris finally heard from M today. 

Apparently the court granted full custody of both the baby and their daughter to the father.  M says she had no idea that was even a possibility.  She also said that she was going to an "inpatient facility"

I'm sure we weren't told the whole story.  I don't think we will ever know the whole story.  Or even a tiny part of it.

I'm angry, really angry for the first time in all of this.  I'm angry that M manipulated us again.  I'm angry that I let myself get involved again.  I'm angry that the welfare of those children may be in jeopardy.  I'm angry that someone like M was able to get pregnant twice in less than 2 years. 

I said it.  It's not fair that she can get pregnant and I can't.

Even now, it all boils down to the damn infertility crap, doesn't it?

I'm a mom. I've been given an incredible gift by an amazing woman full of grace and wisdom who has never asked for a single thing from Chris and I.  She always shares her gratitude towards us in our monthly emails even though I will always feel that there aren't enough words for me to thank her for the opportunity to share our lives with Quinn.  I can't begin to express how polar opposite my feelings and respect is for these two women.  I love every single minute of being a mom, even the really tough parts, because it's a title I fought long and hard for.  I am a mom.

I am still infertile.  I will always be infertile.  I am bitter about being infertile, especially when there are women like M who throw away the chance to be a mother and take advantage of those of us who would give anything to be a mom.

And in the end, an amazing woman who has never met Chris or I gave us the gift of being parents.  We get to spend the rest of our lives with this amazing little soul who is so bright and full of so much joy.  And because of that, I have to find the way to lose the anger and find some real closure on the entire M situation. 

Especially with a face like this looking at me....

M

Over labor day weekend, Chris and I came to the realization that we are really feeling "complete" as a family of three.  I always imagined we'd have more than one child, but I never imagined that we'd take more than a decade to finally become parents.  We aren't closing any doors, but as we looked at our little family, we can imagine a future with our little man as an only child.  For the first time in a very long time, I felt a sense of peace.

I should have known. 

Chris got a text from M on Sunday before Labor day from a new number we hadn't seen before.  This is the first contact we've had from her in a very long time.  The text said that things weren't going well with the baby's father and that she wondered if we would still be interested in adopting the baby.  It was clear she was in crisis, and we decided not to respond to the text.  She sent a second text a few hours later apologizing for everything she "did to us" (her words) and that she isn't looking for any money, she just wants to move forward with her original adoption plan.  We had some serious conversation about whether this was even something we were willing to consider.  We have Quinn's best interests to think about first, and inviting M back into our lives might not be what is best for our family.  In the end, Chris replied to her text on Labor Day Monday and told her that we were sorry that things weren't going well and if she was really serious about moving forward she needed to contact our attorney.  We really didn't think we'd hear from her again.

But we did.

She called our attorney last Tuesday and said she was serious about moving forward.  However, there's so much more to the story than she shared with us.  DCFS is involved, and she has lost custody of the baby and her older daughter.  She told our attorney that the father had them both, but was not willing to parent.  She shared that she had a court date on Monday (yesterday) and that the father was going to say that he would sign his rights away.  She had some other ideas about how she thought things would go down, and at one point asked our attorney if we would consider fostering her daughter as well as adopting the baby.  After several calls back and forth, M told our attorney that she wanted to move forward with the adoption, but she wasn't sure if the father would sign paperwork allowing things to move forward.  She told our attorney she would call after her DCFS court date.  Chris texted M and asked if we could attend the court hearing with her.  She told him no, that she was worried how the father might react.  She assured us that she would call our attorney after her court date.

We haven't heard a word.

I am angry.  I am angry that I let her turn our lives upside down, even if for only a few days this time.  As much as we tried to protect our hearts, we started to make plans for this baby once again in our lives.  It was going to be hard- the baby is 5 months old, and Quinn is almost 7 months.  Given the DCFS involvement, we know that his first 5 months of life haven't been in an ideal environment.  My heart is breaking again and it feels like losing this baby again.  I know that the father has a big part in all of this.  I wish he would provide the necessary support for his children if he is going to refuse to allow an adoption.  I am angry that M can't even contact us to let us know what is going on. We can't keep getting sucked into the drama and turmoil that is her life. 

We need closure.

We will ask her to cease all contact with us.  While my heart will always hold a special place for this little baby and I will always hope that he will be cared for, I can't keep holding on.  We have our precious son who was placed in our arms by his amazing birthmother.  She represents everything that is right and good about adoption.  She makes me cry tears of joy each month as she responds to our monthly update about Quinn.  We are forever grateful to her for entrusting his little soul to us. 

Hoping to find that sense of peace once again.  It sure was short lived....

Six months... and a few days!

My sweet boy celebrated his half birthday on Tuesday.  How in the world is it possible that he is already 6 months old?  Tomorrow marks 6 months since we held him in our arms.  My love for this sweet boy grows more with each passing day- even though I don't know how it's possible to love him more than I do at this moment.  He has made our world complete, and after 13 long years of searching for our missing piece, I can honestly say he was worth every single heart ache.  As we went through each loss, and each adoption possibility, we were told that the baby that was meant to be in our lives would find us.  At the time, those words stung and did little to ease my pain. But now... I get it.  Quinn was meant to be in our family.  We were meant to be the guardians of his little soul.  Is it exactly as I imagined it would be?  Not even close. There are parts that are more challenging that I thought possible, and other parts that are more incredible than I could have ever dreamed.

He's a big guy.  His official stats are 21 lbs, 4 oz and 28 inches long.  He's above the 90th percentile for height, weight, and head circumference.  Pediatrician is thrilled with his progress and we finally saw a little curve in his growth chart rather than the straight 45 degree angle we were seeing before!  He's healthy and strong.  He is just about in constant motion, and has the strongest little legs that are always bouncing.  He can roll all around, and sits up on his own for short periods of time.  He likes to stand up with support and the exercauser and jumper fall victim to his strong legs with constant jumping!

He's eating rice cereal, and decided he preferred the organic brand.  We're starting on other solid foods this week.  He had a little avocado last night and wasn't too sure about the texture, but kept opening his mouth for more.  I've been making some baby food and have a stash in the freezer.  It's a pretty simple process and makes me feel a little like super mom.  I wasn't able to breast feed, and I feel that making his baby food allows me some control.  I know I will need to supplement with pouches, and I am ok with that.   He takes about 6 ounces of formula about every 2.5 - 3 hours during the day.  Hoping that will decrease as he starts eating more solid food.

He sleeps through the night almost every night.  He had a rough patch after his last set of vaccines this week, and also struggled while Chris was out of town a few weeks ago.  We try to get him in bed by 8:30, and most nights it is closer to 8.  He usually wakes up around 4 am, but sometimes we get lucky and he sleeps until closer to 6.  We have to be up and out of the house by 6:30 on days that Chris has morning practice.  We're learning to balance this work parents stuff.  That's another post all together!  We're trying to get on a regular nap schedule, with three naps right now.  We're getting there.  He had been taking all of his daytime naps in his swing, but he's a little too big and mobile to use it much longer.  The transition to naps in the crib has been a little rough, even though he has no issues at night.

We took another trip this month to Minneapolis for a swim meet.  Quinn was a trooper, and managed to have a third tooth appear on the trip.  He now has FOUR teeth- all on the bottom.  The pediatrician thinks there might be two on the top very soon.  I'm afraid to put it in writing- but teething hasn't been too bad for us.  Hoping it stays that way!

We're hoping to finalize Quinn's adoption on the 28th.  There was some confusion on the part of our agency and social worker (go figure) about our fingerprints.  Appears that they expired and had to be redone.  So there was a frantic faxing session and a lovely $140 fee, but hopefully that has all been cleared now. We've been assured by our social worker that the final report is complete and once our fingerprints are back she will send it onto our attorney.  We don't attend for finalization, so it seems a little anti-climactic.  We are considering throwing a small party for our closest friends to celebrate the milestone and thank them all for helping us along the way.  

Excited about the fall and all of the new experiences we'll get to expose Quinn to.  It's also going to be a little intense with Daddy coaching the Girls HS swim team and Mommy finishing grad school.  Trying to remember to cherish each and every moment.  We've been blessed beyond measure.  Thank you to everyone who has cheered us on, and who continues to embrace our little family.

3x5 Folded Card

View the entire collection of cards.

The baby clothes dilemma

Wow... three posts in a month?! :)


As you might have realized, my little man is growing rather quickly.  He's above the 90th %tile for height and weight.  He's moving through clothes rather quickly.  (As an aside, I will never buy anything less than 6 months as a gift for a baby again... he had so many cute things that were 0-6 that he just never wore.)

I've had to pack up his clothes a few times now.  This morning I packed up his 3-6 month clothes.  He's pretty much in 6-9, mostly at the 9 month end.  I know that every mom has the pang of sadness when she packs up her baby's clothing.  It's a little different for those of us who've battled to get those babies though.  I want to freeze time as I hold up each little outfit.  We waited so long to have our miracle. 

And then there's the reality that he will probably be an only child.  I never imagined we'd only have one, but I never imagined that we'd take 13 years to have that one.  We aren't closing the door, but know that we won't endure as much heartache to bring Quinn a sibling.  I can't close the door at all, but Chris is ready to start pushing it closed.  That's another post all together.  It is fair to put Quinn through the heartache of waiting to adopt again?  Is it fair to force him to be an only child because we don't even try?  If something fell into our laps tomorrow- we'd be all over it.  It's something we have to spend some time thinking about.  There really aren't any easy answers, even after finally becoming parents. 

So the big debate as I am packing up?  What to keep, what to donate, and what to pass onto a dear friend.  If Chris had his way, I'd get rid of it all.    I am trying to balance it all.  I have a dear friend who is finally expecting her miracle after many years of heartache and health issues and am thrilled that HE will be able to use some of Quinn's hand me downs.  So, for now I am keeping items that I love and that I *might* use someday should we be blessed again.  If we aren't that lucky, then I will have to purge again to just the really special items.  It does make it easier knowing that what I am passing on will go to someone who will really appreciate them.  They are having to pay out of pocket for IVIG every two weeks- so I know that every little thing helps. 

We do live in a small home, and there isn't much space to keep it all.  And with each month, Quinn seems to collect more and more "necessities" so space is a premium. At this point, I am at about a 50/50 split.  I am keeping things I love, and passing on things I know will also be loved by my dear friend. 

How do you balance it all?  Yes, I know I could buy new things should we be blessed again, but that just seems silly when we have it all now, and with the costs of adoption.  How have you balanced the need for closure and looking into siblings?

Oral Surgery

Thank you for all of your comments on my last post.  It made me feel good to know that I am not alone in these questions.  Also made me remember why I love this ALI community so much!  More adoption questions and thoughts coming soon.

We spent a week in Minneapolis for a swim meet and when we returned, I had to face my greatest fear.  I had oral surgery on Tuesday.  I've needed to deal with my dental health for years, but our infertility took front seat.  I've always had a nagging thought that my dental issues might have something to do with my miscarriages, but we'll never really know.  (and I don't even really want to think about it now...)

It all started in the fall when I had a bridge become dislodged and I... swallowed it.  Yep, I swallowed it and never "recovered" it.  I had no choice but to do something since I was missing the four teeth that the bridge covered.  I literally had a panic attack and was so thankful that I was surrounded by good friends who jumped into action.  I got into a dentist that afternoon, who worked his magic both physically and emotionally.  It was fate that I ended up in his chair that day.  He was kind and compassionate, and understood my fears 110%.  (My phobia stems from my late childhood... more on that another day)

I continued to see the dentist and planned to have the major oral surgery necessary to complete the long term solution for my mouth.  However, Mr. Quinn came into our life, and things were put on hold.  We also waited to see if we would become parents to the second baby, so we were in limbo for most of the early spring.  Time passed, and I knew I needed to get back into the chair again. The temporary piece was only going to last so long, and I needed to schedule the surgery around our crazy schedules.  I held my breath as I made the call... and again the dentist office couldn't have been nicer.  They knew our story, and had been getting updates through some friends that also see them.  The oral surgeon's office isn't nearly as warm and fuzzy, but they also knew our story and were willing to work with us.

Surgery almost didn't happen due to some miscommunication with the dentist and oral surgeon, but in the end I did go through with it.  I had to have several teeth removed due to the damage from the bridges and they also had to do some bone smoothing.  It was pretty intense, but I am so glad it is behind me now.  Chris has been amazing and has taken great care of me and Mr Q this week.  The swelling has finally started to subside, and the pain has started to be manageable without the prescription meds.  I can't get the temporary piece to work just yet, so I am stuck in the house for a few more days.  The swelling inside my mouth has been frustrating and the stitches are making me nuts.  But I did it.  There's a LONG way to go until the final solutions are in place, but at least the worst is over now. 

I feel like we've had these clouds over us for so long.  Our family is finally complete (for now) and we'll finalize Q's adoption next month.  I'm finally taking steps to taking care of my dental health.  I'll finish grad school in November.  It feels like we might finally be getting all of the pieces together...