Holding on....

We're still in holding pattern.  M's little guy has no intention of making is arrival it seems.  After spending months planning on his early arrival, here we are waiting for him.  M's official due date is April 5th.  The paid portion of my leave for Quinn is up on April 1st.  I'm taking through April 8th in the hopes I won't have to go back before M's baby makes his arrival.  I'm crossing my fingers that he makes his arrival before April 1st, so I don't have to take any unpaid days.... but I know better!  :)

So, we're just hanging out.  We took Quinn to see the Easter Bunny.  He couldn't have cared less as you can see from his photo.  Of course the toddlers in front of us had NO plans of getting anywhere near the bunny.  It's a photo of a photo... so please forgive me.

Hope you're all getting a glimpse of spring.  Hoping we'll have some exciting news VERY soon! This little face simply melts my heart....

Part of the "club"

Last night we had a wonderful dinner with our close friends from high school.  It was a little surreal, as it is the first time we've been part of the "parenting" club.  They've never done anything to exclude us, but we just didn't fit in to most of the events due to the fact we didn't have kids.  The oldest kiddo there was 10- so it's been a LONG time.  They also have a 6 month old, so they are still in the baby stage.  They've been amazing friends through everything, but we just never felt that we were as close anymore due to the fact we weren't at the same life stage.  But now, we are....

It almost brought tears to my eyes to see Chris holding Quinn next to our friend holding his daughter.  We laughed about parenting stuff.  It just seemed to fit.  And in the same moment, it stung a little.  Why did it take so freaking long for us to be at this point?  We really WERE missing out on the full relationship with our friends all these years.  But then I took in the sight of my husband again, and I exhaled.  We made it.  We're finally part of the club.

Excited to see how our relationships change with those who've supported us along the way.

Parenting and Such

I have so much swirling around in my brain and I just haven't had the chance to get it all down in writing.  We're getting into a nice routine, and Quinn is still a great baby.  He wants to be held, and this momma is going to give him whatever he wants for just a little while longer.  He is still eating smaller amounts more often, and we've just decided that's how he's going to be for now.  The pediatrician encouraged us to go up to 5 ounces at a feeding, but most times we can't get him to take four.  So, for now we're eating ever 2 hours during the day and we've had a few 4 hour stretches at night.  He's really only fussy for a short time, and it is usually because he's hungry.

There are so many questions in parenting.  And so many more in adoptive parenting.   I am constantly questioning myself.  I know this is 110% normal, but man it's a tad overwhelming.  Wondering if I am doing everything "right" even though I know there is no right way to do things and all parents make mistakes.  But I think it is magnified when you've struggled so long to be a parent.  You've yearned for this magical parenting thing for over a decade. It's consumed your thoughts, your emotions, your bank account, your life.  And then it happens.  Sure, I've spent a great deal of time thinking about what kind of parent I want to be.  But it's a whole new world when you are in the trenches!

Don't get me wrong- we're doing very well.  We've adjusted to life as a family of three humans and a yellow lab.  Well, the humans are adjusting, and the lab is slowly coming along.  :)  He's still struggling with the idea that Quinn is not a toy, and that he is staying.  He's actually doing very well and has not had any aggression at all.  He just really wants to play with Quinn and is just a tad jealous of all of the attention the tiny human is getting.

M is still holding on.  She'll be 38 weeks tomorrow!  We text with her every day.  In my heart, I am starting to doubt that she is going to place with us.  I don't have anything to base this on, and it might just be my pessimistic view after so much loss over the years.  We're living in limbo until she delivers- and you know how much I enjoy limbo... NOT!  I am scheduled to return to work on April 8- three days after her anticipated due date.  With my job, I am allowed 6 weeks paid leave for a newborn adoption.  I am taking a few extra days unpaid to stretch it to her due date.  If she does place with us, I can take an additional 6 weeks paid starting with the day we take placement.  I wish I could take longer, but if everything falls into place, I will only have to return to work for a little over 2 weeks before summer break.  Chris is home during the day, so the boy(s) won't be in daycare at all.

Heading into school today to have lunch with my girls.  While I am so thankful to have this time home with my boys, I miss my friends!  I didn't know how much I thrive on adult interaction!  They wanted to treat me to lunch for my birthday, so we are finally making it in today.

Oh- my birthday.  Yep, I hit the big 3-8 on Sunday.  And while it was not the big deal I've had in the past, it was PERFECT.  We spent the day chilling at home and had some friends from the city come up to meet Quinn.  We went out to dinner and Chris made a cake.  Chris bought me a new camera for my birthday and I am pretty excited about it.  I'll be sure to add photos once I load the software onto my computer.  :)

For now, I leave you with my little leprechaun...

One month!

My little man is one month old today.  I really can't believe that it's already been a month since my world changed!  He's changing more each and every day.  He's eating VERY well and growing so much!  His birthparents are both very tall, so he's likely to be much taller than his momma! :)

Today was also his 1 month check up.  He's weighing in at 10lbs 7oz, more than 3lbs over his birth weight!  He's also at 21 1/2 inches long, up from 19 at birth.  He's hit all of this milestones so far, and he continues to be a really happy baby. 

We're still madly in love... and more so each and every day!

Easter Auction for our Adoption Fund

My dear friend Beverly is hosting an auction for me on her Facebook Page.  We're managing it together, but given the fact that I have a 3 week old (wow- that still seems surreal to write!) and M could go into labor any day, we decided that having it on her FB page was the way to go. 

The last auction was for Valentine's day and we raised just over $500!  We're hoping to exceed that amount with this auction.  Quinn's adoption is an amazing unexpected miracle, but comes with unexpected legal and agency fees we hadn't budgeted for.

Beverly and I have some really talented friends who have donated items.  I'll be adding some items of my own very soon. 

If you are on FB, please take a look at the auction here.  You can bid by leaving a comment.  Please also feel free to share the link on your FB wall or blog too.  Auction will end on Thursday at 8:00 CST.

Here's Quinn modeling a tie dye onesie... two of these pieces of art are up for auction!

Photo Updates

I figure I will make up for my lack of posting with photos.  :)  We're adjusting to life as a family of three and learning how to balance all of the little details of life with a newborn. Quinn is such a great baby and is eating like a champ.  He's gaining weight and I can't believe how much he has changed already.  He's already lost the newborn look, but is still wearing newborn clothes. 

Cheering on Daddy's swim team from home. 

Kicking it in my crib

Rocking the Monkey Hat

Romeo caught in the act...

I'm a VERY mellow guy!

Rocking tummy time while watching the Blackhawks with Daddy.

We went to court on Wednesday.  We had to go downtown, but it was a great experience.  The judge couldn't have been nicer.  We shared the waiting room with another family adopting an infant, and a family adopting an older sibling group.  That family was first in court, and the little girl came back and told Chris that if he told the truth, he'd get a sucker.  :)  We each got a sucker as we left court!  We now have the interim adoption order and will not have to return to court again.  We have our post placement visits at 1, 3, & 5 months.  We have a tentative date for finalization in August, but that paperwork is filed by our attorney.

My coworkers had a shower for us yesterday.  Quinn is one spoiled little guy already.  Lots of great necessities, but this diaper motorcycle complete with a dog toy rider might have been our favorite!

Another favorite gift is this lounger/feeding pillow.   I think Quinn likes it too!

M has made it to 36 weeks as of today.  She is feeling good and there's no sign of labor just yet.  We're hoping she makes it at least a few more weeks, but we know it could be any day now.  We have a series of contingency plans should she go into labor at any point between now and her due date. I have to spend all day tomorrow at grad school and Chris has a meet, so Mr Quinn will be spending the day with our good friends.  It will be the very first time he hasn't been with one of us, and the longest I've been away from him.  I can't imagine I'll be a very good student.  :(

Trying to get into some routines and hoping to post more here.  I have lots of thoughts running through my mind that I need to process.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart for the love and support you've shown us.  Thank you to those of you who've sent gifts to Quinn.  I'm working on getting thank you notes out... but things are a little tougher to accomplish these days! 

Weighing on my heart

I still need to write out Quinn's adoption story and hope to do that in the next few days.  I don't want to lose any of the details.  I find myself so driven to try to capture as much as I can for Quinn.  I want to make sure I can preserve his first moments of life with the amazing woman who gave birth to him.  We've never met, and I don't know if we ever will. She has communicated with us via an anonymous email account.  She did meet with our attorney and agency, and I have tiny snippets from them that I need to commit to paper before they are gone.  She is an intelligent, compassionate, brave woman who I will forever be grateful to.  And she has told us how grateful she is to us.  The weight of it all on my heart is heavy and I don't know if I will ever be able to truly process it all.  I find myself hesitant to call her Quinn's birthmom.  That just doesn't seem adequate.  We've already been talking to him about her, and I am just not sure what we will end up calling her.  We don't know her name (but our agency and attorney do- she has asked to remain anonymous to us)

I've been waiting for the tears to fall- and they seem to finally be coming today.  They are tears of joy, and relief, and love, and admiration, and loss, and gratitude, and so much more.  I think I was in shock for the first several days- literally.  I think I might need to have a few conversations with people at work again as I don't really have much recollection of them.  As I held Quinn during one of our late night feedings last night, it really started to sink in that he's ours.  We've been entrusted by his mom to raise him to be the man she hopes he'll become.  That weighs even heavier on my heart than the concept of providing for him.

For those of you that have followed our story, M was ecstatic when we told her about Quinn. Her reaction blew us away.  She is excited about the idea of her son growing up with a brother so close in age.  So for now, we are making plans to care for... two newborns!  She is feeling good, and her OB feels she may deliver close to 36 weeks... which is in two weeks!  I have an entire post all together about my emotions about raising two boys.  I'm torn between thrilled and feeling overwhelmed. 

When we took Quinn for his first pediatrician appointment, she asked if we had a support network.  We literally laughed out loud.  We are so blessed with a literal army of people who are excited to be a part of Quinn's life.  We've heard so many kind words of congratulations from those we know and love and those who have been touched by our story. 

For those of you who may be reading this who are deep in the trenches, I want you to know that I get it.  I spent 13 years in those trenches.  It still stings, but I can say now without a doubt- it was worth it.  I hate that we had to have so much hurt and loss before we could hold our son.  And there will be a part of me that will always carry that hurt in my heart.  I am hoping that the love for this little man will fill in the spaces of my heart and lessen the hurt.