Today's u/s was probably the longest one I've ever had. To the point that my legs started to have muscle spasms. The tech was trying to be very thorough. I like this tech the best and he is always kind and likes to joke to break the tension.
The news wasn't the update we were hoping for. The SCH has grown and is approximately 6 cm long. The gestational sac is still abnormally shaped and is only measuring 6w3d. We were at 6w1d last Monday, so not the growth we were hoping for. The heartbeat was only 92- so well below what we would hope for this point.
We met with another one of the partners at the OB office. I really liked him. He was kind and took the time to sit and answer all of our questions. He apologized that he didn't have more clear answers for us. He told us its really a wait and see and the good news is that there is a heartbeat and that we saw growth. The challenges are the abnormal shape of the sac, the size of the SCH, and the slow growth/heartbeat.
After talking with him, we decided that I will go back to work tomorrow. I haven't had a red bleed for more than a week and staying on bed rest didn't get us a smaller SCH. I'm going to take it easy and try to stay off my feet as much as possible. If I start having red bleeding, I'll come back home and we'll go from there. I am planning to spend the rest of the afternoon trying to pack and prepare for going back to work. Trying to pack enough snacks and a change of clothes...just in case.
We talked with him about the possibility of having to go to Florida. He said he wasn't concerned about the flight itself, but being away from medical care. He said he wouldn't say not to go and suggested that I call if we get THE call and get an u/s before I go.
Chris and I have decided we're going to fight and not give up just yet. We still have a heartbeat and what appears to be a fighter little bean. That's all we can do at this point. It's going to hurt like hell to lost this fight, but we have to give it all we've got.
We go back for a repeat u/s on Friday when our OB is in the office. We should hear something about the adoption by then too. It's going to be a really long week.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Exhale
I felt like I was holding my breath all day yesterday. I was finally able to exhale when we heard from our attorney last night.
After some harried phone calls to our social worker and the main office of the agency, we got our paperwork off to Florida. Our SW only works part time so it was a little challenge to contact her. In the end, we have a new direct number that should allow us to get a hold of her when we need to in the future.
Our attorney finally got in contact with the CC Social Worker in Florida. She hadn't been to her office, so wasn't even sure if she had gotten our paperwork. Grrr. They are still working on serving the baby's father his papers. Our attorney was told that nothing would be decided until mid week. In my heart, I feel that the local agency will probably place with someone local that they are working with. My heart is breaking thinking about this little angel in the nursery waiting for someone to be her forever mom. She'll be released today and we've been told and will go to a temporary placement. Again, my heart aches for this little one and part of me hopes that if she is going to be placed locally that the temporary placement ends up being her forever family. I've never met this little one, and yet all I can think about is what is best for her already and worry about if she is being loved and held and cooed over this very moment. My heart aches to hold her in my own arms, but I know that we will be ok if she is meant to be with another family. Please continue to hold all those who are making decisions for this sweet little angel in your thoughts and prayers.
Chris has always been against "being prepared" because we just don't really know what a situation could end up being. But after the excitement of the last day or so, I am thinking that just maybe it wouldn't hurt to stock up on just a few essentials. Thank you for all of your sweet suggestions and comments on the last post. I have a few wishlists on Am.azon and Tar.get full of your suggestions. Trying not to get too far ahead of myself, but it was nice to spend some time browsing and reading about baby products. And just maybe they are things I might use in say 8 months if this pregnancy continues. (Whoa, did I really say that out loud?!)
I am feeling very optimistic about Monday's ultrasound. I do spend time trying to play out different scenarios in my head just to feel prepared for whatever it holds. Does anyone else do that? I try to imagine every way that things could go wrong just so I can react in my own head before having to do it for real. I guess that's what years of infertility does to you.
Feeling crampy on and off and it scares me. But then I consult Dr. Goo.gle and it appears that this can all be normal. Still only very little dark brown spotting on the TP, so trying to feel reassured by that. The nausea seems to be here to stay and is definitely impacted by my eating schedule. I have learned that I HAVE to eat before I feel hungry.
Trying to stay zen and hopeful, but realistic. I know that each and every moment makes me more and more vulnerable. Please let this finally be our year... and maybe even times two?
After some harried phone calls to our social worker and the main office of the agency, we got our paperwork off to Florida. Our SW only works part time so it was a little challenge to contact her. In the end, we have a new direct number that should allow us to get a hold of her when we need to in the future.
Our attorney finally got in contact with the CC Social Worker in Florida. She hadn't been to her office, so wasn't even sure if she had gotten our paperwork. Grrr. They are still working on serving the baby's father his papers. Our attorney was told that nothing would be decided until mid week. In my heart, I feel that the local agency will probably place with someone local that they are working with. My heart is breaking thinking about this little angel in the nursery waiting for someone to be her forever mom. She'll be released today and we've been told and will go to a temporary placement. Again, my heart aches for this little one and part of me hopes that if she is going to be placed locally that the temporary placement ends up being her forever family. I've never met this little one, and yet all I can think about is what is best for her already and worry about if she is being loved and held and cooed over this very moment. My heart aches to hold her in my own arms, but I know that we will be ok if she is meant to be with another family. Please continue to hold all those who are making decisions for this sweet little angel in your thoughts and prayers.
Chris has always been against "being prepared" because we just don't really know what a situation could end up being. But after the excitement of the last day or so, I am thinking that just maybe it wouldn't hurt to stock up on just a few essentials. Thank you for all of your sweet suggestions and comments on the last post. I have a few wishlists on Am.azon and Tar.get full of your suggestions. Trying not to get too far ahead of myself, but it was nice to spend some time browsing and reading about baby products. And just maybe they are things I might use in say 8 months if this pregnancy continues. (Whoa, did I really say that out loud?!)
I am feeling very optimistic about Monday's ultrasound. I do spend time trying to play out different scenarios in my head just to feel prepared for whatever it holds. Does anyone else do that? I try to imagine every way that things could go wrong just so I can react in my own head before having to do it for real. I guess that's what years of infertility does to you.
Feeling crampy on and off and it scares me. But then I consult Dr. Goo.gle and it appears that this can all be normal. Still only very little dark brown spotting on the TP, so trying to feel reassured by that. The nausea seems to be here to stay and is definitely impacted by my eating schedule. I have learned that I HAVE to eat before I feel hungry.
Trying to stay zen and hopeful, but realistic. I know that each and every moment makes me more and more vulnerable. Please let this finally be our year... and maybe even times two?
Friday, January 27, 2012
Maybe 2012 will be the year...
I think that the cosmos seriously like playing with my life. Someone is quite entertained by the events of our life.
Still hanging in there with only very light spotting and sick to my stomach most of the day. Being a good girl and trying to stay off my feet. Made the decision to keep the Monday u/s appointment. It will give us a full week of rest and hopefully we will see some nice growth in the heartrate and decrease in the SCH.
You would think that would be enough excitement for us, right? Not so fast.
Our attorney called us in a frenzy last night.
There's a baby girl in Florida that was born this week and mother wants to place. She hasn't chosen a family and someone from the hospital called our 800 number. Turns out, that the woman who called is the mother of one of Chris' former coaches classmates. (Did you get that?) She had our business card through the coach and when she heard about this mother, she immediately thought of us.
Initially, it sounded like that as long as we said yes, it was going to happen. It now appears that there is a local social service agency involved. We have to get our homestudy faxed out to Florida to the caseworker this morning. It also appears that the mother is not interested in making the choice herself. The nurse who contacted us in talking with her again today in the hopes that she can share a little more about us and help the mom make a decision that is best for her and her child. We have a feeling that if the mom doesn't make a choice herself, that the local agency will choose one of their waiting families.
Could this really be happening? We are hoping and wishing that if this little girl is meant to be part of our family, it will be. And if she isn't then we hope that she finds the perfect family.
Let's not even start about the fact that we aren't necessarily financially prepared to fly across the country and stay there for a week or more. We've been lax on our adoption savings and have focused on advertising, not saving money for an immediate placement. And then there's my current pregnancy situation. But again, I am trying to have faith that if this is meant to be, it will be. We'll figure it all out.
We own not a single baby item. I just couldn't have it in the house after all these years. I don't know the first thing about caring for a newborn. And I am sick to my stomach most of the day right now. But again, if it is meant to be, it will be.
That's very zen of me, isn't it? Take that universe!
Please keep this mother and all those making the decisions in your thoughts and prayers. And let's all hope that I can keep the zen through all of this.
Still hanging in there with only very light spotting and sick to my stomach most of the day. Being a good girl and trying to stay off my feet. Made the decision to keep the Monday u/s appointment. It will give us a full week of rest and hopefully we will see some nice growth in the heartrate and decrease in the SCH.
You would think that would be enough excitement for us, right? Not so fast.
Our attorney called us in a frenzy last night.
There's a baby girl in Florida that was born this week and mother wants to place. She hasn't chosen a family and someone from the hospital called our 800 number. Turns out, that the woman who called is the mother of one of Chris' former coaches classmates. (Did you get that?) She had our business card through the coach and when she heard about this mother, she immediately thought of us.
Initially, it sounded like that as long as we said yes, it was going to happen. It now appears that there is a local social service agency involved. We have to get our homestudy faxed out to Florida to the caseworker this morning. It also appears that the mother is not interested in making the choice herself. The nurse who contacted us in talking with her again today in the hopes that she can share a little more about us and help the mom make a decision that is best for her and her child. We have a feeling that if the mom doesn't make a choice herself, that the local agency will choose one of their waiting families.
Could this really be happening? We are hoping and wishing that if this little girl is meant to be part of our family, it will be. And if she isn't then we hope that she finds the perfect family.
Let's not even start about the fact that we aren't necessarily financially prepared to fly across the country and stay there for a week or more. We've been lax on our adoption savings and have focused on advertising, not saving money for an immediate placement. And then there's my current pregnancy situation. But again, I am trying to have faith that if this is meant to be, it will be. We'll figure it all out.
We own not a single baby item. I just couldn't have it in the house after all these years. I don't know the first thing about caring for a newborn. And I am sick to my stomach most of the day right now. But again, if it is meant to be, it will be.
That's very zen of me, isn't it? Take that universe!
Please keep this mother and all those making the decisions in your thoughts and prayers. And let's all hope that I can keep the zen through all of this.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Bed Rest is HARD
Who knew just how hard it would be to spend a week in bed?
The good news is that I haven't had any red bleeding since Sunday. I've only had brown spotting and its now only on the TP. Can I really hope that the bleed is already reabsorbing? I am worried that if it is in fact large shouldn't there be another bleed of some sort to get rid of it? Not that I am asking for a bleed. Dear God, that is the LAST THING I want.
I read some really scary things about SCH online- but I also read many more positive stories. As each day goes by, I am getting more and more hopeful. But that scares the crap out of me. I know that each and every day I am getting more and more attached to this pregnancy.
My symptoms are increasing. I really have to eat just about every 2 hours or I start to feel sick. Being stationary and on the extra progesterone has caused my digestive system to come to a screeching halt. (Which is not fun at all, and can make a woman crazy who is concerned about any kind of cramping!) Last night Chris was browning some ground turkey for sloppy joes and the smell literally made me gag and almost lose my cookies. I've never had that issue before. Again, this makes me feel hopeful.
I am scheduled to have the repeat u/s on Monday. Debating about moving it to Friday since I am already off work. But then I really want to have the best chance of seeing some good news- so waiting the full week seems to be the right way to go. It means I am off work another day- which will be NINE days in a row. YIKES! But I really, really, really, need to put this pregnancy first. Thankfully I have a very supportive principal, amazing coworkers, and a great sub taking care of my kids. So why does it stress me out to be missing this much work? I have the sick days- (although I've eaten through many of them over the years of IVF treatments in CO....)
We got a contract in the mail from the OB yesterday for delivery services. Is this normal practice? I'm guessing the billing office hasn't looked at my chart to see that I am still diagnosed with "threatened miscarriage" Also, it is for routine care. I think I've already had more u/s that the "normal" pregnancy has the entire duration. They are also expecting that I still need to meet my entire deductible. Um, nope. Already met that for the year. And it's not even the end of January.
And I'm not even sure that this is the right fit for me. I've had a not so good feeling from one of the OBs and the office staff is less than desirable. So I guess I will deal with the "contract" notion when I go in on Monday.
Finally convinced Chris to let me bring some of my card making supplies into bed with me. He isn't thrilled but he agreed. I need to do something creative or I might lose my mind. Seriously, daytime TV is horrible! And I've already read three books. So, I really need to do something fun!
Looking forward to having a close friend/coworker come by this evening. I've finally finished the 200 invites for her daughters wedding. She's coming to pick them up and also bring me some work from school. Isn't it sad that I am looking forward to having some papers to grade?
Ok, better get off the computer. Chris doesn't like me using the laptop too long. :)
The good news is that I haven't had any red bleeding since Sunday. I've only had brown spotting and its now only on the TP. Can I really hope that the bleed is already reabsorbing? I am worried that if it is in fact large shouldn't there be another bleed of some sort to get rid of it? Not that I am asking for a bleed. Dear God, that is the LAST THING I want.
I read some really scary things about SCH online- but I also read many more positive stories. As each day goes by, I am getting more and more hopeful. But that scares the crap out of me. I know that each and every day I am getting more and more attached to this pregnancy.
My symptoms are increasing. I really have to eat just about every 2 hours or I start to feel sick. Being stationary and on the extra progesterone has caused my digestive system to come to a screeching halt. (Which is not fun at all, and can make a woman crazy who is concerned about any kind of cramping!) Last night Chris was browning some ground turkey for sloppy joes and the smell literally made me gag and almost lose my cookies. I've never had that issue before. Again, this makes me feel hopeful.
I am scheduled to have the repeat u/s on Monday. Debating about moving it to Friday since I am already off work. But then I really want to have the best chance of seeing some good news- so waiting the full week seems to be the right way to go. It means I am off work another day- which will be NINE days in a row. YIKES! But I really, really, really, need to put this pregnancy first. Thankfully I have a very supportive principal, amazing coworkers, and a great sub taking care of my kids. So why does it stress me out to be missing this much work? I have the sick days- (although I've eaten through many of them over the years of IVF treatments in CO....)
We got a contract in the mail from the OB yesterday for delivery services. Is this normal practice? I'm guessing the billing office hasn't looked at my chart to see that I am still diagnosed with "threatened miscarriage" Also, it is for routine care. I think I've already had more u/s that the "normal" pregnancy has the entire duration. They are also expecting that I still need to meet my entire deductible. Um, nope. Already met that for the year. And it's not even the end of January.
And I'm not even sure that this is the right fit for me. I've had a not so good feeling from one of the OBs and the office staff is less than desirable. So I guess I will deal with the "contract" notion when I go in on Monday.
Finally convinced Chris to let me bring some of my card making supplies into bed with me. He isn't thrilled but he agreed. I need to do something creative or I might lose my mind. Seriously, daytime TV is horrible! And I've already read three books. So, I really need to do something fun!
Looking forward to having a close friend/coworker come by this evening. I've finally finished the 200 invites for her daughters wedding. She's coming to pick them up and also bring me some work from school. Isn't it sad that I am looking forward to having some papers to grade?
Ok, better get off the computer. Chris doesn't like me using the laptop too long. :)
Monday, January 23, 2012
There's a heartbeat... but wait...
Waiting in the OB office today was excruciating. We were surrounded by happy couples and one woman who was complaining loudly about all of the inconveniences of pregnancy over the phone. It's a good thing I don't have homicidal tendencies! LOL
We got back to the u/s and the tech was the original one we saw. He was very kind and even had the side screen on so I could see what was going on. He did the abdominal u/s first and noted how large my cyst is. I thought I could see the gestational sac too- and asked about a hematoma. He said that I have a VERY LARGE hematoma. Exactly what I thought.
We went on to the internal u/s and he had a really hard time due to the large cyst. He said it is pushing everything towards the back of my uterus. I thought that I saw something in the sac- but I wasn't sure. Chris and I were STUNNED when he said
"There's the heartbeat"
I sat up- yes with the u/s wand still in place. LMBO. He had a really hard time measuring the heartbeat however, as I couldn't be still and due to the fact it was so far back due to the cyst. There is concern that the heartbeat is low at this point- it is only 81. But part of me wonders how accurate this is considering what a difficult time he had measuring.
The sac is still somewhat abnormal- but it completely due to the SCH. It is directly next to the sac, and is causing it to be distorted.
We were in shock as we waiting to meet with the OB. My OB is off today, and I had to deal with the one who yelled at me. Let's just say her bedside manner isn't getting any better. She was very gloom and doom and quickly burst the excitement Chris and I were feeling about the heartbeat. She wouldn't even give us a hint of where this will end up- just said it is wait and see at this point. She wasn't even going to put me on bed rest. But Chris and I pushed the issue and she agreed.
So I am off work until we go back next Monday. We stopped and saw the chiropractor on the way home. Not sure I totally believe in all he does, but it can't hurt at this point. I've been seeing him since November, and I just feel that it can't hurt at this point, right? I am feeling really guilty about being off work, but I have to put this pregnancy first right now. Otherwise I might have regrets... and I just can't go there right now.
I talked to Tonie at CC.RM on the way home and she was so much more reassuring than the OB. She said that they see this all the time, and that they would have put me on bedrest. So I feel good about that decision.
So, it's another week in limbo. We were SO sure this was it. That we were done. And now we've seen a heartbeat- a place we've NEVER been before.
Can anyone give me stories of hope at this point? Again, if this wasn't happening to me, I am not sure I would even believe it.
We got back to the u/s and the tech was the original one we saw. He was very kind and even had the side screen on so I could see what was going on. He did the abdominal u/s first and noted how large my cyst is. I thought I could see the gestational sac too- and asked about a hematoma. He said that I have a VERY LARGE hematoma. Exactly what I thought.
We went on to the internal u/s and he had a really hard time due to the large cyst. He said it is pushing everything towards the back of my uterus. I thought that I saw something in the sac- but I wasn't sure. Chris and I were STUNNED when he said
"There's the heartbeat"
I sat up- yes with the u/s wand still in place. LMBO. He had a really hard time measuring the heartbeat however, as I couldn't be still and due to the fact it was so far back due to the cyst. There is concern that the heartbeat is low at this point- it is only 81. But part of me wonders how accurate this is considering what a difficult time he had measuring.
The sac is still somewhat abnormal- but it completely due to the SCH. It is directly next to the sac, and is causing it to be distorted.
We were in shock as we waiting to meet with the OB. My OB is off today, and I had to deal with the one who yelled at me. Let's just say her bedside manner isn't getting any better. She was very gloom and doom and quickly burst the excitement Chris and I were feeling about the heartbeat. She wouldn't even give us a hint of where this will end up- just said it is wait and see at this point. She wasn't even going to put me on bed rest. But Chris and I pushed the issue and she agreed.
So I am off work until we go back next Monday. We stopped and saw the chiropractor on the way home. Not sure I totally believe in all he does, but it can't hurt at this point. I've been seeing him since November, and I just feel that it can't hurt at this point, right? I am feeling really guilty about being off work, but I have to put this pregnancy first right now. Otherwise I might have regrets... and I just can't go there right now.
I talked to Tonie at CC.RM on the way home and she was so much more reassuring than the OB. She said that they see this all the time, and that they would have put me on bedrest. So I feel good about that decision.
So, it's another week in limbo. We were SO sure this was it. That we were done. And now we've seen a heartbeat- a place we've NEVER been before.
Can anyone give me stories of hope at this point? Again, if this wasn't happening to me, I am not sure I would even believe it.
Friday, January 20, 2012
?
Sorry for the silence over the past few days. I just didn't have much to say. I've come down with a nasty cold on top of everything else. Exactly what I needed....
I had another bleeding incident yesterday morning. I really thought for sure this was it. I stayed home on Wednesday since I was so miserable from the cold and lack of sleep. I went into work yesterday and just as I started teaching, I felt a gush. I thought I would be fine and just keep teaching- but it did seem to get worse so I made the tough decision to come home. I was afraid that the bleeding would become severe and I wouldn't make it home.
I called the nurse and she talked to the Dr. He also felt that this was probably the end. Told me to put my feet up and push fluids and call if the bleeding became very heavy. I curled up on the couch and waited for the cramping to start.
Only it never did... and by the end of the afternoon, the bleeding had slowed to just spotting again. This morning it is just on the TP and is shifting back to brown. I really don't know what to think. In my heart, I know that this is not a viable pregnancy, but there is a tiny part of me that is still hoping. I am home again today and have an u/s scheduled for Monday morning.
I have had some pinching feelings in my right side near my ovary. Not sure what to make of that, but it doesn't stay very long and isn't intense. I haven't had any real cramping. With both of the other m/c I had lots of cramping.
Wondering if regardless of the viability of this pregnancy, I have a subchorianic hematoma?(Not really sure how to spell that!) From what I read, both of the bleeding episodes sound like they could be caused by something like that.
I am stressed about missing so much school- but I keep reminding myself that I have to do what is best for me. I did get the OB to write a letter- but they only wrote it for yesterday and today. Hoping that I won't have issues with our not so friendly superintendent. My principal knows everything that is going on, so that is all I can do for now.
On a positive note, Chris and I have had lots of time to spend together which is really rare this time of the year. :) Trying to find any spots of positive in all of this.
Thank you for all the well wishes and good thoughts. Please keep them coming!
I had another bleeding incident yesterday morning. I really thought for sure this was it. I stayed home on Wednesday since I was so miserable from the cold and lack of sleep. I went into work yesterday and just as I started teaching, I felt a gush. I thought I would be fine and just keep teaching- but it did seem to get worse so I made the tough decision to come home. I was afraid that the bleeding would become severe and I wouldn't make it home.
I called the nurse and she talked to the Dr. He also felt that this was probably the end. Told me to put my feet up and push fluids and call if the bleeding became very heavy. I curled up on the couch and waited for the cramping to start.
Only it never did... and by the end of the afternoon, the bleeding had slowed to just spotting again. This morning it is just on the TP and is shifting back to brown. I really don't know what to think. In my heart, I know that this is not a viable pregnancy, but there is a tiny part of me that is still hoping. I am home again today and have an u/s scheduled for Monday morning.
I have had some pinching feelings in my right side near my ovary. Not sure what to make of that, but it doesn't stay very long and isn't intense. I haven't had any real cramping. With both of the other m/c I had lots of cramping.
Wondering if regardless of the viability of this pregnancy, I have a subchorianic hematoma?(Not really sure how to spell that!) From what I read, both of the bleeding episodes sound like they could be caused by something like that.
I am stressed about missing so much school- but I keep reminding myself that I have to do what is best for me. I did get the OB to write a letter- but they only wrote it for yesterday and today. Hoping that I won't have issues with our not so friendly superintendent. My principal knows everything that is going on, so that is all I can do for now.
On a positive note, Chris and I have had lots of time to spend together which is really rare this time of the year. :) Trying to find any spots of positive in all of this.
Thank you for all the well wishes and good thoughts. Please keep them coming!
Monday, January 16, 2012
Abnormal
Seriously. I'd like to just catch a break. Just once.
Today's ultrasound showed growth- but the sac is abnormally shaped. The u/s tech was not very optimistic about the prognosis. There was no sign of a fetal pole or yolk sac.
We met with the OB who isn't ready to throw in the towel yet. He does give us less than a 50% chance of this ending with a take home baby. He said he's seen stranger things. I opted not to take any more HCG labs. We're back for another ultrasound next Monday where the OB feels will give us a clear direction.
I really don't know what to think. It's technically only 5w5d today- so still early, right? It turns out that Thursday's HCG was actually 5500- not 5000. So a real nice jump from the 2300 on Monday. It's like one step forward and two steps back. There is almost no spotting- just a smidge on the TP of brown.
I'm afraid to hold onto hope because I know that each and every day means that I will fall even harder if this ends in a m/c. I'm afraid to to do much on Dr. Goo.gle, but I am hoping to find some good news out there.
Do I dare keep hoping for a miracle?
Today's ultrasound showed growth- but the sac is abnormally shaped. The u/s tech was not very optimistic about the prognosis. There was no sign of a fetal pole or yolk sac.
We met with the OB who isn't ready to throw in the towel yet. He does give us less than a 50% chance of this ending with a take home baby. He said he's seen stranger things. I opted not to take any more HCG labs. We're back for another ultrasound next Monday where the OB feels will give us a clear direction.
I really don't know what to think. It's technically only 5w5d today- so still early, right? It turns out that Thursday's HCG was actually 5500- not 5000. So a real nice jump from the 2300 on Monday. It's like one step forward and two steps back. There is almost no spotting- just a smidge on the TP of brown.
I'm afraid to hold onto hope because I know that each and every day means that I will fall even harder if this ends in a m/c. I'm afraid to to do much on Dr. Goo.gle, but I am hoping to find some good news out there.
Do I dare keep hoping for a miracle?
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