One year ago...

One year ago today we had our last IVF Retrieval.

One year ago we were full of hope.

One year ago we were sure we'd be parents or at least pregnant by today.

I can't believe all we've been through in the past year.

I can't believe it's already been a year.

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On a good note, I made it through another week. Today I haven't cried at all. (There is still time for it to happen, I suppose) I suppose that means that I am making progress. I asked my therapist when I can expect to feel "normal" again. She reminded me that it has only been three weeks. It's going to take time. And then Chris feels that it has been enough time and that we need to move forward and essentially forget it ever happened. I can't do that. We've have some tense moments this past week over this difference of opinion. Again, I have to remember that we are both dealing with our grief in our own way.

I have had good intentions of making the initial call to the agency where we plan to do our homestudy. We started one with this agency back when we had the failed independent adoption. I even emailed the phone number to my work email in the hopes that I would get a chance to call. It just hasn't happened. It doesn't cross my mind during the day- I think I am going on autopilot while I am teaching. Before I realize it, the day is gone and the office is closed. I need to make these calls. I am going to try to make more of an effort to remember- maybe even setting my ical to send me a reminder to call during my lunch? We'll see.

Off to have some adult beverages with some friends tonight. I think I've earned it!

Negative

I just got the call from CC.RM. My hcg levels are officially negative.

While this is good news in this case, it really hit me hard. It's really over. I'm really not pregnant any more. I am sad. I am heartbroken. I still think about what could have been. I hope that time will make the pain lessen.

I think one of the hardest parts of this call was the reality that our treatment days are most likely over. This could likely be one of the last calls I get from my beloved nurse. She has made this very difficult situation as gentle as it could be. Infertility treatment has defined a good part of my life- and consumed the last 18 months. The reality is that I wish that we could do another IVF with CC.RM. I wish we had found them before we used up all of our insurance coverage. I wish that we hadn't had the miscarriage that has brought my ache to be pregnant to the surface once again.

I know in my head it's time to move on. It's time to step away from treatment and pursue our dream of becoming parents. We yearn to raise a child and share all that we are with a little human being. We are ready. It's time to change our path.

This new path is full of new hurdles and challenges. I am trying to wrap my head around this new journey and what it means.

Back to Normal?!

I made it through a long week at work. Honestly, it was good for me to be back and have something to focus my energy on. I had a little break down yesterday afternoon after I was yelled at by a parent and another parent didn't bother to show up for her conference. I also had an issue with another teacher about how she handled the situation with the first parent. But I survived to tell about it, and I didn't harm anyone. :)

I've spent some free time (ok, time I should have been doing something else) surfing websites and blogs about two topics- post-miscarriage and adoption. Both of these topics are constantly on my thoughts and I just can't seem to get enough information or the information that I am looking for.

First off, there just isn't much information out there as to what to expect after a miscarriage. I mean there are the basics, and I know that everyone is different. I just wish there was something to tell me about what to expect physically. So I am coming to all of you... The miscarriage started on 10/7, but I was still on medication for another week. The natural m/c itself was last Friday/Saturday for the most part. I have stopped bleeding completely- which from everything I have read seems a little strange. Now I was only 5/6 weeks, so it was early. My HCG was at 29 a week ago, so I am guessing it is close to 0 by now. Should I be concerned? Should I expect more spotting? At what point am I going to feel somewhat normal? Let's be honest, I've been on some sort of medication since JUNE. I have NO idea what normal is.

I am exhausted. I slept more than 12 hours on Wednesday night. I did have to work 12+ hours on Tuesday and Thursday. I have had a pretty constant headache and some pretty intense back pain. My moods- well, let's just say Chris is avoiding me about 50% of the time. I don't get periods on my own normally, so who knows what is going to happen. My nurse has told me that I will need to get an u/s after my next period. What happens when I don't get a period...

I am still stuck at the point of thinking about "would have been" I want to move forward, but I catch myself thinking about milestones if I were still pregnant. Like the fact I would have been 8 weeks tomorrow. I would have been out of the first trimester in time for Thanksgiving. And then there is the "When I was pregnant" thoughts. Returning to restaurants where I find myself thinking, "Last time I was here, I was pregnant." Remembering how it felt to be pregnant- how my body felt and how Chris was so intense in making sure everything was right in our little world. But then I find myself wondering if it happened at all... was I really pregnant? Did that really happen? I am torn between wanting to forget, and wanting to hold onto every moment of my short time in the land of pregnancy. How do I find a balance?

On another note, I came across something about celery. Apparently it is supposed to be avoided during pregnancy? At least according to a few websites. There was also an outbreak of listeria in celery last week. What does this have to do with anything? I ate celery *every single day* I was pregnant. I craved celery and peanut butter. Just one more thing I will always wonder about. (I know that chances are I did nothing to cause my m/c. My head knows that, but my heart is still looking for the why)

We are planning to schedule a follow-up phone call with Dr. Sch to see what his take is on the BFP/miscarriage. Chris is 99.9% done with treatment for now. I'm at 75% I think. The bottom line- we want to be parents more than anything. We aren't getting younger, and we've been on this journey for 10 years. It's time to change our path. So, we are looking at getting our adoption home study started up again. As of this moment, we aren't planning to sign with an agency right away. I did find some interesting information about a program in Armenia, and am going to pursue looking at that. Otherwise, we are pretty sure we are looking at doing a domestic adoption. I have lots to say on that topic, but that is another post all together.

We are attending a benefit for a scholarship fund tonight. The fund is in honor of my close friend and coworker who left this world three years ago. She was an amazing teacher, coach, and friend. We look forward to this event each year as a way to honor her memory and allow her death to to bring good to the world. It's held at a bocce club, and Chris and I enjoy talking with the gentlemen who are regulars at the club. Looking forward to a few adult beverages, too! :)

October ICLW

Welcome October ICLW!

Just a quick post this morning. :)

I am an infertility "veteran" and have been searching for our missing piece for more than 10 years. We're officially diagnosed with PCOS, but our IVF failures have all fallen in the unexplained category. We've recently completed our 3rd FET of a CGH normal embyro at CC.RM. We were thrilled when we had a positive beta, and great numbers for the first three labs. Sadly, I miscarried two weeks ago today. We are heartbroken, and now trying to decide where to go from here. We had planned to move on from treatment after this cycle, but the positive and subsequent miscarriage are a game changer.

That's the cliff notes as to who we are. You can see our history in the side bar and feel free to read awhile. But I do caution those of you just starting on this journey... our road has been long and treacherous. We are not the norm when it comes to anything....

Thanks for stopping by!

29 & Counting

Today's lab show my HCG at 29. After all of the bleeding this weekend, I figured it would be about this point. It's funny how perspective changes in all of this. A week ago I was praying for a rise in HCG and now I am thankful for a drop. I go back next Monday for labs again. I am guessing that I have at least two more weeks until I get to 0.

Today I have found myself bursting into tears more often than I would like to admit. This doesn't bode well for the fact I plan to return to work tomorrow. I know that a big part of it is the hormones- I can only imagine what a mess they are right now. My body is still adjusting and I am sure it is going to take a long time for me to get back to any sense of normal (not that I was ever at a normal level in the first place...)

I am not exactly looking forward to going back to work tomorrow, but know it is for the best. It's time to start healing. The worst of the physical pain seems to be over which was my biggest factor for returning to work. I just didn't want to be in pain and suffer through that while at work. The emotional pain is going to be enough. I am worried about how I will react to my peers and friends. I haven't been able to take calls this afternoon. I just don't know what I would say.

I am thankful that I have a great therapist that has helped me through all of this. She has been wonderful and helped me deal with all of this crap. I highly recommend finding someone who specializes in dealing with infertility when working with a therapist. It has made a world of difference for me. I am working now to keep my head above water and hopefully continue moving forward to becoming parents. I am so afraid of getting stalled out like we did after our adoption failed all those years ago. I know that I have to keep moving, and hoping that we can start a process soon.

For those of you who have traveled the adoption path, how did you choose your agency? That is something I am spending some time researching right now and would like to talk to anyone who has some thoughts on this.

We are also planning a regroup with Dr Sch soon. I need to know what his thoughts are going forward. I need to know if this was a "fluke" thing. I do know that I can't even imagine the pain of another miscarriage, so I need to know what his thoughts are with us going forward. While my intentions were always that this would be our last treatment cycle, this pregnancy/miscarriage has been a game changer. Just when I thought I had it all figured out...

Guess I better figure out what the heck I am going to do in class tomorrow. So thankful for the amazing substitute who has filled in for me in my absence. She plans to come in tomorrow as a volunteer to support me. I am so blessed. I am reminded that there are good people in the world who love and care for us. If anything, we've been reminded of this as we have endured the pain of the last two weeks.

October 15th

Today is National Pregnancy/Infant Loss Awareness Day. The timing is interesting to me. The fact that it appears that the bleeding has started strongly again today, on this day of national remembrance.

There is an amazing project called I am the Face that is putting a face on those who have lost a pregnancy or infant. I stumbled across this site after a friend posted the link on facebook. So many women who have been impacted by such loss. No two stories are the same, but knowing that you are not alone is reassuring.

I am trying to find Hope in all of this. I really am. I am having a hard time- as I don't get pregnant very easily (You might have noticed that...) I don't have the hope of getting pregnant again as a way to move on. This was our first miracle pregnancy after 10 years. I don't have another 10 years in me. But how can we simply walk away from treatment after getting so very close? Oh how I wished this didn't happen now. I mean, I would want it to happen ever, but to happen on our very last attempt- that just stings.

Besides the obvious pain of this, I am angry that once again I have been blindsided by fate. If you read back to before we found out we were pregnant, I was ready to close this chapter of our life. I was ready to wave the white flag and ride off into the sunset with dignity and grace. The dragon had other plans. Just once I wanted to have some sense of control over the situation.

The pain has been pretty strong today and the bleeding has increased. I am thankful for the vic.odin and the heating pad. I am also so very thankful for my nurse at CC.RM. She has been amazing through all that we've been through. While I know she is paid to do her job, she has gone above and beyond and showed such compassion and kindness to Chris and I. (I think the feeling is a little mutual as she told me tonight that she saves her favorite patients for the end of the night- and just called a little bit ago!) Working with her has been such a contrast to the many nurses I have worked with over the years. She always returns calls and emails right away and takes the time to ask how we are doing- and really listens to what we have to say. She has taken a genuine interest in us, and for that I will be forever grateful.

So where do we go from here? I don't know. I am not feeling very strong the last few days and the pain- both physical and emotional seems to come in waves. I know that time will heal, but I know that this has forever changed me. I've felt what it meant to be pregnant. And while it only lasted a short time, now I know what I am missing. I think that makes it even harder to walk away. But we really want to be parents. Can we really keep doing the same thing? Or is it time to take a new path? The risks are so very high now, but my only solace is that there is a reward in becoming parents.

Confirmation

I have so much that I want to say right now, but don't have the words to express them. Thank you for all of your kind comments and messages of support. It means a great deal to Chris & I. I plan to continue to share our story in the hopes that someone out there can benefit from our experience. (It is also very therapeutic for me to express myself here on this blog.)

The local RE was very kind and took the time to explain everything to us as he did our ultrasound today. It certainly was NOT the experience I expected to have less than a week ago. It's still shocking to me how quickly things went bad here. I think there is part of me that is still in utter shock of it all.

The ultrasound shows that there is still something in my uterus. It's either a collapsed fetal sack or blood- there was no way to definitively say one way or another. He took measurements and it is currently around 8 mm, which is below even the calculations on the u/s machine. He even gave us the option of taking a few u/s photos. I have them, and it helps me to know that this did in fact happen.

The good news is that he doesn't feel that there is anything ectopic as both of my tubes/ovaries looked very clear. My ovaries were stubborn as always, but he was patient with us and took the time to explain everything. I am truly grateful for his time and expertise. This is one of the times it is so very hard to be treated by a doctor on the other side of the country.

My HCG is still at 181, so it has a way to go to 0. I was hoping for more of a rapid drop today, but I guess I have to take some solace in the fact it is going down. I am still hopeful that my body will "take care" of things naturally very soon. I don't want to have this linger. However, if I have learned anything from 10 years of IF hell, it's that nothing happens the way you plan.

So I go back for a repeat HCG on Monday. And we wait. I stopped almost all meds yesterday, so I think I am feeling some of the effects of the rapid decline of hormones today. This afternoon I feel as though I've been hit by a truck or run a marathon. I am running a low grade fever, but it has stayed below the threshold my nurse gave me. I picked up an Rx for some vi.codin today so I have that on hand in case the cramping does get intense. My therapist told me today "It's ok not be present in all of the crappy parts of your life." We laughed that would make a great T-shirt! So if the pain gets intense, I have every intention of taking the vico.din.

For now, we wait. My original thought was that I wouldn't go back to school until the worst of the physical miscarriage was over. However, my body seems to have some other plans. My current plan is to return to work next Tuesday. I think that will give me enough time to heal and hopefully have enough of the hormones out of my body so that I don't break down into tears in front of a class full of middle school students.

Chris & I are thankfully in a really good place. Of course, we are both devastated and more sad that we have ever imagined, but our marriage is in a good place. We've had some time to talk and have verbalized some plans going forward. More than anything we want to be parents, and we are ready to move on to a plan that will get us there. My heart still breaks when I think of the moment I told him we were pregnant. The sheer joy on his face will be one of my most favorite memories until the day I die. It breaks my heart to see his face now, knowing two weeks later how short lived our joy was. But I do believe in us, in our love for each other, and the strength we have together. It is those beliefs that will get me through the coming days, weeks, and years to come.

Thank you again from the bottom of my heart. I am so thankful for the blogging community and the amazing power & strength that we can bring to one another at times of great sadness as well as great joy.