More Non-news

It has been some time since I wrote here.  I think that we are still just letting the nightmare of December settle in.  We had the holidays and had to get through them with a happy face.  I can't imagine how I would be dealing with all of this if I didn't have this amazing husband at my side.  He is my rock... and if nothing else comes out of this battle, we have grown very close.

We met with the RE today for a follow up.  She is calling our positive/negative in December a chemical pregnancy.  That's fine... no matter what it is called, it still is another loss we have had to deal with. 

Once again, she told us that they really thought this would work for us and don't have a clue as to why it didn't work.  Everything was perfect again... except for the end result.  She wants us to try again.  She really feels that we will get pg.  I just wish I knew why this didnt work again and again.  She agreed to change the protocol a little in hopes of getting more eggs.  We'll see. 

We are thinking of getting some other consults.  Who knows.  I think we are going to put it all on the back burner for now.  I just don't want to deal with being infertile anymore...

No miracle here

Well a miracle was not meant to be... Beta dropped to 1.8 from 14.  Sounds like an early miscarriage or a chemical pregnancy.  Either way it sucks.  I am so freaking angry right now.  When are we ever going to catch a break???????

Neverending saga

Once again it has been some time since I updated this journal.  I suppose a big part of me has been in denial.  We decided to do our final treatment cycle of 2004.  We had two embryos on ice, and decided to attempt an FET.  The protocol is so much easier, and my RE feels that I may be one of the women who does better with an FET than a fresh cycle.  The trauma of the last ER was more than my body could handle in her opinion.

So both of our embryos made it through the thaw and looked great.  We transfered both of them on December 10th.  Our Dr even crossed her fingers and told us this is going to work.  As I was laying there after the procedure, I told DH that if this doesn't work that it just might not be meant to be.  He disagreed.  He has been amazing once again through all of this.  I couldn't be luckier to have an amazing man in my life.

My pregnancy test was scheduled was Sunday Dec 19th.  I was never put into the computer, so the test was not actually run until Monday.  I was prepared for another negative... and of course a positive too.   What I wasn't prepared for was what the nurse told us.

The test was positive... but very low.  My beta came back at 14.  From all of the charts I have looked at online, it really should have been well over 100.  So we didn't get good news, but we don't have bad news either.  I have stayed on the meds and will return this morning for another test.  Today's test will be a big sign to see if this truly is a viable pregnancy or if we will lose another little angel.

I am losing hope quickly. I have taken three HPTs and they have all come back negative.  This all just makes no sense.  Why can't anything ever be easy for us???

Back in the saddle... and not liking it

Its been some time since I last posted.  Its been a challenging few months.  Life just didn't seem very fair... and I had a hard time dealing with it.

I agreed to start taking happy pills... but for the first month I felt absolutley terrible.  They made me drowsy and all I wanted to do was sleep.  Didn't do much for my mood or marriage.  I am feeling better now for the most part.  I really resent the fact that I have to take the stupid things, but I do think they are helping somewhat.

We did decide to go ahead with the frozen transfer the end of the this year.  We've met our out of pocket maximum, so we will have 100% coverage for this transfer.  Of course the clinic isn't being as cooperative as we'd like and still wants us to pay our 30% copay and then they will refund us... as if we have that extra cash just laying around... Oh well, it's never dull with us!

The transfer is scheduled for December 10th.  I've had the baseline appt and have started the wonderful meds.  Lupron to supress everything and give me wonderful headaches and estrogen to build the lining and induce mood swings.  I go back for a lining check on December 3rd.  Then we'll see where we go... I am so afraid that the embryos will not survive the thaw, and all of this will be for nothing.  Guess that is just the realist in me.  (Chris calls it the pessimist!)

On a bright note, we did have an addition to our family...

Romeo came into our life on October 14th.  He is a pure bred yellow labrador retriever.  He was only 5 1/2 weeks when we brought hime home, and has been a fun addition to our life.  He has changed our lifestyly for sure... everything is a chew toy to him!  He has been a great distraction for me over the past few months.

My sister had the baby on Monday, and it was harder than I even imagined it would be.  Life just isn't fair.  My good friends also had their twins on Friday.  I couldn't be happier for them, but also so sad for myself. 

So that is where I am at... resigned to doing this transfer, but still have a tiny bit of hope that this might just work.  I really don't know how we will deal with yet another failure.  I don't know if either of us is strong enough for that.

vent

I need to vent a little... so feel free to ignore this post.  :-)   I found out today that ANOTHER coworker is pg.  I just really don't know how much more I can take.  I am probably at the lowest point I have ever been at with all this ttc crap.  Three failed IVFs in a year can do that to you, I suppose!  So now I am dealing with the teacher next to me whose wife is pg with twins from IVF #1.  They are due the end of October, so guess what everyone talks to him about?  Another coworker is due the beginning of December.  A third coworker told me in tears about her pg a few weeks ago... since this is an unwanted pg, that one really hurt.  Then I find out today that this coworker and his wife are pg... I work with BOTH of them.  They were in treatment, so I can accept it a little easier...but come on!  How much can one girl be expected to handle????  When will it be my turn?  

All this after meeting with the RE and being told there is NO REASON we didn't get pg on IVF #3 and she really thought it was going to work.  Dh is closed to any treatment for a while since the last BFN hit both of us really hard.  I agree.... but it still is hard NOT to be in treatment, KWIM?  Especially for someone who has pretty much either been cycling or on BCPs since January 1st.  

 I do have an appt with my GP on Monday to start some antidepressants.  Guess its time.  I emailed a counselor who specializes in infertility, but she didn't return my email.  I have a number for another woman... just need to get the nerve to call.  

To make things even better, my sister is in the hospital... and will be until she delivers #3.  I am not on speaking terms with my family because they just dont get why I can't drop everything and be there for my sister.  There is more to that... but won't go into details.  I am just so tired of being the freak that no one understands... KWIM?  

Sorry... I needed to get that all of my chest.   

Diagnosis- Unlucky

So we had our follow up appt with the RE today.  I had to schedule and PAY for one.. they don't include it in the cost of the IVF.  When we got there, we were told we were not on the schedule!!!  Luckily the nurse who "scheduled" it for me was there, and apologized.  We finally got to talk to the RE 45 minutes after our scheduled appt.  

We were told what I feared... there is NO reason our IVF didn't work AGAIN.  She showed us statistic after statistic that showed that we SHOULD have been pg... that we are in the "best odds" group.  I am not sure if this was supposed to make me feel better... that I was supposed to get pg, but didn't.  She told me that we were just in the "unlucky" group.  

We've had every test known to man... I had two pages of questions that she did in fact answer.  In the end, she feels that I may be one of the few women who do better with an FET.  It is possible that the trauma from the ER and elevated E2 levels caused a hostile envirnoment for my preciuos embryos.  I did convince her to do a few blood tests... one to check for clotting issues (APA something or another) and to recheck my TSH and Prolactin levels. I asked about an endo biopsy, but she feels that there is no indication that my lining or uterus is abnormal.  I also asked about immune and infection testing... and she said she wouldn't discourage me in getting the tests done, but she doesn't feel that there is adequate evidence to support the treatment.    

So we are waiting for the results of those tests, but don't expect to get any earth shattering news.  DH is still heartbroken over the last failure.  We are tentatively thinking of doing the FET in January.  She gave us a 30- 40% chance of getting pg with that.  Not great odds in my book.   

 Oh well... so I really didn't get any answers at all. I really do like my RE, don't get me wrong.  She answered all of my questions.  She was honest in telling me that she, as well as the embryologist, really thought I would get pg with the last cycle.  She also told me I would make a great egg donor.... not sure what to make of that.  So lots of new info to digest.  Its always something, isn't it?

What direction will our lives take...

Its 4 o'clock in the morning and I can't sleep.  I keep thinking that I am going to wake up from this nightmare.  But no, this is now my reality.  This raw pain is part of who I am now, and I fear it always will be.

There is now not one single ounce of faith left in me.  I just can't believe that there is a God in heaven who would give me such a desire to be a mother to my own children, and then deny me time and time again.  There is no way that I can believe in such a God. 

I don't know what direction our lives will take from here.  Chris says he can't do this anymore.  There is a part of me that has to agree.  But then there is the rest of me... that has such a strong desire to create a child out of our love for each other, that I just can't quit.  I really don't know where we will go from here.  I know adoption is an option, but I know that I am not emotionally ready for that path.  We are also not financially ready for that, either.  We're already out thousands of dollars in our quest to be parents.  I want to scream when people tell us to adopt... nobody knows just how expensive it is!  We're talking $25,000 for a healty infant.  That is one third of our yearly income.  There is a part of me that has a hard time "buying" an infant at this point.  I know thats not really what it is... its just the way my heart feels right now.  And the bottom line is that I am not ready to give up my dream of a biological child yet.

The hardest part of this is THERE IS NO REASON THAT OUR IVF failed.  I have a low FSH, we had good egg and sperm quality, decent embryos, no other issues.  If someone were to just tell me that we are unlikely to ever get pg on our own, I would give up.  But with each failure, we are told that there is no reason that we can't get pg, and there is a very good chance the NEXT ONE will work.  So we hope once again, only to have yet another failure.

My heart is breaking for the pain Chris is feeling.  I feel as though I am robbing him of his chance to be a dad.  He tells me over and over that we are in this together, and I am so very thankful to have him in my life.  Somehow, our marriage isstronger than ever, but I don't really know what the point of a strong marriage is if you never have a family.  I mean a strong marriage is a foundation for a strong family.  I love him very much, and treasure our lives together, but know it is not enough for either of us.  So both of us will head off to our jobs today... caring and teaching other people's children while we ache for our own. 

This may be my last year teaching.  It is getting more and more painful each year.  I know part of it is the fact that many of the students I teach have parents who don't really care about them.  Parents who wish they were never born... parents who can't be bothered with them... parents who I can't get ahold of... parents who can't even bother to get the medical treatment the kids need.  I just don't know if I can handle having parenthood essentially thrown in my face day in and day out.

I know much of this is the raw pain talking.  It just seems to get deeper with each negative, and soon it will be all that there is inside.  I really don't know how I will get through today, let alone the rest of our lives.