Independence Day?

Its been some time since I last posted here.  Things have been busy I suppose.  The end of the school year... teaching summer school... preparing for IVF #3.  Yep, IVF #3 is just around the corner now.

I don't know what it is about this time of year, but I always find myself retreating into myself and locking out everyone.  To borrow the words from someone else, I needed  to lick my wounds so to speak.  I continue to be estranged from the family.  That is 100% my choice.  I just can't deal with the codependency right now.  In talking to a friend, she commented on how much I am the "caretaker" of the family.  I just don't have the extra energy for that right now.  I honestly don't know how I have the energy to get from day to day.

I am allowing my infertility to define who I am right now.  In all reality, it IS who I am right now.  I am starting to wonder what else really matters.  I mean, I love my husband very much and cherish the life we have together.  Its just missing something... a family.  I am an infertility patient.  There is nothing more that I want in the world than to be a mom.  The overachiever in me can't handle the failure time and time again, yet I keep going.  I can't imagine NOT being an infertility patient.

IVF #3 will be in mid-august.  I am on these godforsaken BCPs right now.  I hate the way they make me... moody and pimply faced.  I am on them for what seems to be forever, thanks to the fact that I have no regulariry to my cycles.  This is the only way that we can get things to fall into place.  The tests are all done, just waiting for the official word from the insurance company.  The extra duties I have taken on will almost pay for our entire portion of the IVF, thank goodness.  I have spent the past three weeks teaching summer school for children whose parents don't want them at home just so that I can have the opportunity to have my own.  There is some poetic justice there somewhere....?

Its the holiday weekend... Independence Day.  I am so greatful for my freedom as an American.  Yet, I feel very little independence right now.  My life is all dictated by myone desire... the desire to be a mom.

Fog

Its been a rough few days.  I wish that I knew even what I felt right now.  I am in a dense fog and I can't see it coming to an end anytime soon.  I am in limbo land right now, without a plan as to where we are heading.  Just aimlessly wandering through the fog.

I can't understand how the world just keeps going around me.  I can only imagine how egocentric that sounds.  However, it's the way my mind is working these days.  There are happy people, mommies and daddies, little babies, families, and pregnant women all around going on with life.  Even those close to me are moving on with life.  Nobody can figure out what to say to me or how to act around "poor Patience."  I think I hate the pity more than anything else.

I am so grateful to have a good friend who is also dealing with an IVF failure.  I can say things outloud to her that nobody else would understand.  I can't exclaim when I see the 400th pg women at the mall, or the irony that the restrooms in the mall are located right by the maternity section.  Together, we can handle the mall.  Alone, I unable to stand more than 20 minutes in the place.  Truly nobody can say that they understand until you have been where we are.  And it's not a nice place to be.

Infertility has come to define who I am.  I make decisions about everything in life based on what treatments we will be attempting or the latest reasearch I have read.  Infertility is the fog that surrounds me now.  Will I always be lost?

Thunderstorms

As I sit here to write this entry, thunder is rolling and rain is falling outside.  In so many ways this is symbolic of where I am at right now.  My heart aches and the tears are falling.  There is no resolution once again.  No rainbow at the end, just a continuous journey in search of the gold... a long frustrating journey with lots of sudden changes along the path...  a path that appears to be smooth and safe until an unexpected cliff appears. You have no choice but to fall into the depths.

The call came on Chris' 31st birthday.  In my heart I already knew what she was going to tell me.  I had started bleeding on Monday morning and knew it was over. My body started telling me on Wednesday, 8dp3dt, that it was coming to an end.  I started spotting, but still had some hope.  The signs and symptoms that I had been feeling started to slip away, and with that my little embryos were no more.  Once again, we have failed.

Chris is taking it very hard, and I don't know how to make it easier.  My heart breaks each time we talk about this failure.  Yesterday I was full of hope and promise, and today I am full of despair.  I just want to be a mom... why is that a gift that I am unable to attain?  I want to make Chris a dad.  He's just amazing around the children in our lives.  We've dedicated our lives to helping other people's children, and yet we are not able to have our own. 

In time I am sure the pain will become more bearable.  This pain will always be part of who I am.  As I sit and watch the thunderstorm out the window, my heart aches with each roll of thunder and drop of rain.

  

Time to be a little selfish

It's time for me to be a little selfish.  We have made the tough decision to skip the family party today. I just know that I will end up "snapping" and Chris is very concerned about what impact that will have on our precious embryos.  I just can't stand the thought of looking at my sister right now, knowing that she once again has what I want more than anything in the world.  The last thing I need right now is the patronizing I will be sure to get from my extended family as well.  I am sure I will be hearing about this for months, maybe even years, but I don't care at this point.  It's time that I think about myself and not what is best for all of them. 

I know that it is hard to deal with someone battling infertility.  We are a difficult breed, especially while in the 2ww of a major procedure. Even so, I am angry with my family because they CHOSE to keep this pregnancy from me.  Once again, I feel left out of everything.  Everyone had a secret that they whispered about behind my back.  My parents claim that the last month has been "hell" for them.  I don't think they even realize what this has done to me.  People close to me kept a pregnancy from me once before, and my mother knows how hurt I was from that.  Why in the world did she choose to do the same thing to me? 

It will never be ok.  I pray that I will get a BFP on Tuesday and will be able to move on with my life.  However, I will not EVER be ok with her getting pg again.  It isn't really jealousy.  It's the fact that she can't care for the two children she already has.  I feel so sorry for my niece and nephew. 

I have to wash my hands of all of this for now.  I have to focus my positive energy on getting a BFP on Tuesday.  It's time for me to be selfish...

What is fair???

Just when I thought that I had everything under control, I get news yesterday that just knocked the wind out of my sails.  My sister is pregnant with #3.... and I just can't even believe it.  She has lost her job, can't handle the two kids she has, and yet is blessed with another pregnancy.  I am angry... and incredibly sad.  How is any of this fair?  How can one sister be so darn fertile while the other spends thousands of dollars on invasive procedures just for a chance to get pregnant? 

My family has all known for some time.  You see, this "accident" occured just when my first IVF failed.  No one wanted to tell me.  The only reason I was told was because my niece, in all her innocence, spilled the beans.  So once again, Patience has been left out.  Chris is taking this really hard, and I can see the pain in his eyes. 

My faith has never been thinner than it is right now.  My sister doesn't even beleive in God, and yet she has been blessed.  I am starting to wonder if there even is a God.  There is just so much pain and suffering in this world.  I know in the grand scheme of life, my pain is small.  However, my ache to be a mother is so strong that it takes my breath away at times. 

In a few short days, we will know if we, too have been blessed.  Now I understand why my mom has been so interested this time... she wants me to get pg so my sister won't feel so bad.  I know this anger is the last thing I need right now.  Trying to find my happy place....

Impatient

Its a good thing that my name is Patience.  Most days that is all the patience that I have.  I have amazing patience most days with my students, but for most everything else I am very impatient.  The waiting is killing me.  Tomorrow marks one week since the transfer, and one week till the beta test.  We're at the half-way mark.

I am having some cramping on and off today.  It is very similiar to menstral cramps, but it is way to early for that.  I don't remember them from last time, so I am hoping that is a sign of good things to come.  My breasts are also VERY sore and heavy feeling.  Another sign I don't remember from last time.  I am trying to be hopeful.  I am also VERY hungry today and can't get enough to eat.  I don't remember that at ALL last time. 

I can't focus on much once I get home.  There are plenty of things I could do around the house, and things that I enjoy to do.  However, I just don't have the focus for anything. I didn't sleep well last night, so maybe it is just fatigue today.

With all the technology out there, why can't they make this wait move along quicker?  For now, I just have to wait.  I have no control over any part now, so I just have to do everything I think that I can to make a difference. 

Today is one of my least favorite days of the year...

Mother's Day.  Just the sound of it makes me cringe.  It's as if the entire world is celebrating what I don't have. The one feeling I hate the most is being left out... and that is the biggest feeling on a day like today.  While I treasure my mother and grandmother, part of me even resents the fact that they are part of a "club" that has denied me membership month after month.  My younger sister is a member, and uses today to remind me that I am not.  Two years ago I was reminded that I was "not a mother" so therefore I should be helping with the cleanup after dinner.  That was the last time I attended a family Mother's Day party.  Last year we went to visit Chris' parents.  This year mom took grandma to visit the new baby in Springfield... the new baby that my UNMARRIED cousin has... 

Am I bitter?  I suppose so.  I know that I should be so very hopeful today.  For in all essence, I have two precious embryos safely inside me right now.  Will they decide to stay nice and safe?  Only time will tell.  My only hope is that Chris will not have to endure another Father's Day from the outside...