December Update- 9 & 10 months and more

So many of the blogs I regularly read during our struggle are like this one... we're not posting nearly as much as we once did.  It isn't because I don't have things to share.  It isn't because I don't have a million things I need to process about being an adoptive mom and life in general.  It isn't because I don't yearn to be a part of the community that kept me sane for all those years. 

It's about time.  There just isn't enough of it.  There's always something that needs my attention it seems.  Hoping that will change now that I have finished one of the big time drainers...

I graduated with a second master's degree last Saturday.  This is my second MSEd, this one in Instructional Technology.  It was tough doing it all while working full time and being a new mom.  I'm DONE with taking classes for a LONG time now!

Our sweet boy is now 10 months old.  I missed his 9 month update here on the blog, but here is the gist of what I sent to his birthmom last month:

Quinn continues to grow into an amazing little man.  He's a little over 23lbs and 30 inches.  His height is now officially off the growth chart!  :)  He is on the move, and has mastered crawling, but we're pretty sure he'll be walking in no time.  He's also learned to clap for himself, and does it regularly when he pulls himself up to a sitting position.    Bottles are still his preference over solid foods, but we are working on that!  His favorites continue to be cereal and sweet potatoes with apples and he isn't a fan of anything green. 

His personality continues to blossom.  He's a really happy little guy and has a little twinkle in his eye that tells us he's got a mischievous side as well.  He's a little bit of a daredevil and is in constant motion.  He's almost always smiling and has an infectious laugh.  He and our dog Romeo are already partners in crime.  Romeo has learned to sit very close to Quinn's high chair, especially when he's eating!

Quinn "celebrated" his first Halloween as Clark Kent/Superman.  He loved greeting the trick or treaters at the door and passing out candy.  He also enjoyed his first trip to a corn maze with our swim team and attended the Illinois swimming Athlete Recognition Dinner. 

Our little Clark Kent:

We had our family portraits taken to commemorate Quinn's adoption being final.  Here are a few of our favorites:

He's now ten months old, and is growing and changing every day.  His personality is really emerging.  I can't express how in love we are with this little man!

He has eight teeth and will eat most things that are fully pureed, but wants little to do with anything textured.  Hoping he grows out of that soon!  He has 8 teeth and the next one is already starting to break through.  With his set of teeth, he could be eating steak!  He still loves his bottles but also has discovered that he really likes yogurt and other sweet treats. 

He is fully crawling, and wants to get into everything.  He loves music and rocks to the beat with just about anything.  He's standing on his own and has discovered his crib can double as a trampoline.  We're sure it is only a matter of time before he is walking. 

He was the unofficial mascot for the Warren HS girls swim team, and loved every bit of attention from the girls on the pool deck.  He's also enjoyed visits from our college swimmers as they have come home for visits.  We love that he has so many young adults who want to be a part of his life.  It makes our heart happy to see each of them make a connection to our sweet boy.

He's continuing to top the charts... he's more than 30 inches tall and about 25lbs.  He's wearing 12-18 month clothes for the most part and in 5w shoes!  He wasn't a fan of shoes at first, but is starting to tolerate them since they help him stand and get where he wants to go.  He's back to sleeping through the night, and for that we are very thankful!

His official birth certificate finally arrived right before Thanksgiving.  This was the final piece of paperwork we needed for his adoption to be completely final.  Next step is to get a passport for any adventures we hope to take.

We took him to see Santa over the weekend.  As you'll see from the photos, he wasn't much of a fan.  We know that he'll come around in a few years for sure.  There simply aren't words to describe how excited we are to celebrate Christmas with Quinn this year.  The entire holiday season takes on a new meaning for us this year.  As we close out 2013, we simply can't believe how blessed we are to share our lives with this sweet little guy!

Wishing you all a very happy holiday.  We are still pinching ourselves each day that we get to finally spend our holidays with the magic of a child.  Our hearts are so very full this Christmas!

So thankful

We have so much to be thankful for this year, but this sweet face tops our list. 

We're also so incredibly thankful to his birthmother who chose to entrust this sweet soul to us. 

Nine month update coming soon.  Happy Thanksgiving... may you all be surrounded by those you love.

8 months...

I know I say this each and every month, but I have no idea how it is possible that our little man is already 8 months old. This sweet face has stolen our hearts.

Quinn continues to be a rock star.  He's over 23 lbs and 28 inches.  He's got 8 teeth and is so close to crawling.  He enjoys cereal, sweet potatoes, apples, and pears.  He'll tolerate squash, but won't even consider anything green.  I keep trying avocado, since it's one of my favorite things right now and he won't have any part of it. 

He sits on his own, and is in constant motion.  He spins in circles anytime he's sitting.  He rolls to get what he wants and we're sure he's so close to crawling.  He loves to stand and will bounce in the arms or lap of anyone who holds him.  He's in love with Romeo, and thinks he is the funniest thing in the world.  (Romeo tolerates him, and will let him pet him but is still a little unsure of this tiny human.)

Life is crazy, but we're trying to embrace every moment of fall.  We've been to the apple orchard and the pumpkin patch.  We've enjoyed time with friends and enjoyed the summer like weather.  We can't wait for Halloween.  Here are some of our favorite moments of the past month.

Stealing a few moments of summer like weather in September.

Hanging out with friends at a Football game... Abbie wanted to hold Quinn, but I am not sure who is holding who!

Maddie poses for a photo with Quinn before Homecoming

Picking our perfect pumpkin!

My heart melts a little more each day! 

Finally FINAL

We're excited to announce that Quinn's adoption was finalized today.  After some extra hurdles with our agency, the paperwork was finally submitted and we can officially say that we are a forever family of three. 

In Illinois, families attend an initial court date close to birth, but do not attend the final court date which is more of a formality.  We got word from our attorney via email that she had the final decree in hand this afternoon.  It's official... we are parents!

While this was really just the formality at this point, as we've been his parents since the day he was placed in our arms.  But I do think I was holding my breath until everything was final.  We're breathing just a little easier tonight.

As I drove home tonight with this news fresh in my heart, the song Home by Phillip Phillips came on.  We used the song in our adoption profile video, and hearing it made me tear up.  We finally made it.  We finally have our family that we fought so hard and so long for.  I think it is going to take some time for it all to sink in. 

Thirteen years, IVF failures, miscarriages, failed adoptions, heartache and grief....

all worth it.

For those of you still fighting... I always wanted some assurance in the darkest hours that it was all going to be worth it in the end.  And while I wouldn't wish our journey on anyone, I can look back and say that I would do it all over again if it meant I would be able to hold my son today.

And that sweet boy knew his momma needed just a little more snuggles tonight.  Lately he has wanted to go to sleep on his own in his crib.  Tonight he fell asleep in my arms and snuggled into my arms.  And the tears fell as I sat there rocking him.

We made it.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart to each and every one of you who has supported us on this long path.  My heart swells with gratitude for each and every person who helped our dreams of parenthood become a reality.

Seven Months....

I've been trying to make this post for ten days, and life just gets in the way.  Honestly, life is great and I am trying to soak up every moment I can with my little man.  Often by the time Quinn goes to bed, I am exhausted and writing a post is beyond my mental capabilities.  But I want to make sure that I document Quinn's milestones, and share those with those of you who still follow our story.

 

Quinn is our miracle, and continues to be a dream baby.  His personality continues to blossom and he's more fun to be around each and every day.  He's well over 23lbs now and is moving into 12 month clothing.  Yikes!  He still prefers a bottle over food, but likes cereal, sweet potatoes, pears, and apples.  We're going to give green veggies another try, and I made some butternut squash that I am excited to try with him.  He sleeps through the night- just about every night.  He goes to bed between 7 and 8, and wakes up between 4 and 6.  We know we're pretty lucky!

He sits up independently, and loves to spin in circles.  He doesn't have much interest in crawling, but we're working on it.  He loves to be standing up and continues to be a jumper any chance he gets.  He's starting to play with toys on his own and likes to spend time on his play mat.  

He finally has teeth on the top- in fact, there are four teeth up there!  Teeth #7 & #8 have almost broken through.  I am hoping we have a break from teething once he has all 8 fully in.  He's been fussy the last few days, but we know it's nothing compared to what many babies experience.  

Even seven months in, I still have moments that I really can't believe we're really his parents. Our wait was so long and painful at times, that I simply look at him and tears well up in my eyes.  It's the simply moments like a lazy Sunday morning with us all snuggling in bed that take my breath away.  For all those days that I just wanted the assurance that it was all going to be worth it- I can finally say it was.  Every painful day brought us closer to this sweet face... and for that I am eternally grateful.

 

Closure?

We Chris finally heard from M today. 

Apparently the court granted full custody of both the baby and their daughter to the father.  M says she had no idea that was even a possibility.  She also said that she was going to an "inpatient facility"

I'm sure we weren't told the whole story.  I don't think we will ever know the whole story.  Or even a tiny part of it.

I'm angry, really angry for the first time in all of this.  I'm angry that M manipulated us again.  I'm angry that I let myself get involved again.  I'm angry that the welfare of those children may be in jeopardy.  I'm angry that someone like M was able to get pregnant twice in less than 2 years. 

I said it.  It's not fair that she can get pregnant and I can't.

Even now, it all boils down to the damn infertility crap, doesn't it?

I'm a mom. I've been given an incredible gift by an amazing woman full of grace and wisdom who has never asked for a single thing from Chris and I.  She always shares her gratitude towards us in our monthly emails even though I will always feel that there aren't enough words for me to thank her for the opportunity to share our lives with Quinn.  I can't begin to express how polar opposite my feelings and respect is for these two women.  I love every single minute of being a mom, even the really tough parts, because it's a title I fought long and hard for.  I am a mom.

I am still infertile.  I will always be infertile.  I am bitter about being infertile, especially when there are women like M who throw away the chance to be a mother and take advantage of those of us who would give anything to be a mom.

And in the end, an amazing woman who has never met Chris or I gave us the gift of being parents.  We get to spend the rest of our lives with this amazing little soul who is so bright and full of so much joy.  And because of that, I have to find the way to lose the anger and find some real closure on the entire M situation. 

Especially with a face like this looking at me....

M

Over labor day weekend, Chris and I came to the realization that we are really feeling "complete" as a family of three.  I always imagined we'd have more than one child, but I never imagined that we'd take more than a decade to finally become parents.  We aren't closing any doors, but as we looked at our little family, we can imagine a future with our little man as an only child.  For the first time in a very long time, I felt a sense of peace.

I should have known. 

Chris got a text from M on Sunday before Labor day from a new number we hadn't seen before.  This is the first contact we've had from her in a very long time.  The text said that things weren't going well with the baby's father and that she wondered if we would still be interested in adopting the baby.  It was clear she was in crisis, and we decided not to respond to the text.  She sent a second text a few hours later apologizing for everything she "did to us" (her words) and that she isn't looking for any money, she just wants to move forward with her original adoption plan.  We had some serious conversation about whether this was even something we were willing to consider.  We have Quinn's best interests to think about first, and inviting M back into our lives might not be what is best for our family.  In the end, Chris replied to her text on Labor Day Monday and told her that we were sorry that things weren't going well and if she was really serious about moving forward she needed to contact our attorney.  We really didn't think we'd hear from her again.

But we did.

She called our attorney last Tuesday and said she was serious about moving forward.  However, there's so much more to the story than she shared with us.  DCFS is involved, and she has lost custody of the baby and her older daughter.  She told our attorney that the father had them both, but was not willing to parent.  She shared that she had a court date on Monday (yesterday) and that the father was going to say that he would sign his rights away.  She had some other ideas about how she thought things would go down, and at one point asked our attorney if we would consider fostering her daughter as well as adopting the baby.  After several calls back and forth, M told our attorney that she wanted to move forward with the adoption, but she wasn't sure if the father would sign paperwork allowing things to move forward.  She told our attorney she would call after her DCFS court date.  Chris texted M and asked if we could attend the court hearing with her.  She told him no, that she was worried how the father might react.  She assured us that she would call our attorney after her court date.

We haven't heard a word.

I am angry.  I am angry that I let her turn our lives upside down, even if for only a few days this time.  As much as we tried to protect our hearts, we started to make plans for this baby once again in our lives.  It was going to be hard- the baby is 5 months old, and Quinn is almost 7 months.  Given the DCFS involvement, we know that his first 5 months of life haven't been in an ideal environment.  My heart is breaking again and it feels like losing this baby again.  I know that the father has a big part in all of this.  I wish he would provide the necessary support for his children if he is going to refuse to allow an adoption.  I am angry that M can't even contact us to let us know what is going on. We can't keep getting sucked into the drama and turmoil that is her life. 

We need closure.

We will ask her to cease all contact with us.  While my heart will always hold a special place for this little baby and I will always hope that he will be cared for, I can't keep holding on.  We have our precious son who was placed in our arms by his amazing birthmother.  She represents everything that is right and good about adoption.  She makes me cry tears of joy each month as she responds to our monthly update about Quinn.  We are forever grateful to her for entrusting his little soul to us. 

Hoping to find that sense of peace once again.  It sure was short lived....