Loss and Peace- one year later

As I drove home in the first real blizzard of the year, I realized that one year ago we said goodbye to yet another miracle not meant to be.  It's been a year since my D&C.  It took me all day to realize, and I suppose that means that I am in a good place right now.  We're starting to heal and we have the hope that our tiny miracle will finally be in our arms.... very soon.  But for a moment, my breath caught in my throat as I remembered.  I remembered about the pain of that loss, and how heavy it felt in my heart.  The pain came to the surface for a moment and felt so real and raw again.  And then it simmered down into a dull ache, and eventually was tucked back into my soul.

Today I feel like I can see the light, but I also carry the burden on those many dark days.  We're close to our rainbow- our happy ever after.  I have a crib set up in my house for goodness sakes... we're so close we can almost feel it.  But it's moments like the one I had today that remind me where we came from and cause me to hold my breath just a little.  I am going to be brutally honest here (not like that's something new...) and say that I really don't know what will happen if for some reason we don't end up with our little miracle from M.  I don't know that we will be able to handle the heartbreak again.  I don't know that our hearts and souls and bodies can withstand another loss.  I've hesitated to put this in writing in fear of jinxing it, but I feel that I need to.  I need to write it out. 

I am freaking terrified.  I don't know that I am strong enough to handle more loss.

And yet I feel a sense of peace that I haven't felt in years.

Hoping that peace wins out this time. 

Overwhelmed

It's been crazy since I last posted.  Lots to write about, but no time to do so!  I'm definitely feeling very overwhelmed.  I should be writing some grad school homework- that was due on Sunday night and yet I can't seem to find the motivation to do it.  I've tried.  My heart's just not in it, but I need to persevere. 

M came to our home on Monday for a visit.  The days leading up to it were crazy stressful as we tried to get a nursery together and clean every nook and cranny of the house.  M had made several comments about needing to see that our home was clean.  Of course that was all I needed to obsess over every little bit of dust.  We are not slobs, but we have a large drooling dog that likes to drag toys into the corners of every room.  M decided she HAD to come this week, and we only had a week to prepare. 

Chris sent me away for my annual girls weekend to relax.  I had planned on going for a month or so, and planned to back out.  Chris had other ideas so off I went.  It was nice to have some much needed girl time and talk to the new moms in the group.  All of the relaxation blew out the window when I got home and we had to go into crazy cleaning mode of course.

The nursery basics are there.  If he came tomorrow, we would be fine.  It isn't done by any means, but it has the basics he will need.  It still needs to be decorated, and my friend's mom is making the crib skirt, quilt, and valances for us.  We'll have a small shower on February 17th with those in our "inner circle" and a larger one once he is here and in our arms. 

We had a great visit with M.  She felt that she needed to see where he was going and know what to picture in her head.  I totally understand where she is coming from.  I am thankful that we are able to have an open relationship with her.  It hasn't been easy, and she has not really found a connection with anyone at the agency.  We talk or text almost daily.  She brought some gifts for the baby yesterday, including a giant teddy bear and some lovies.  I am thrilled that I will be able to tell him that these were gifts from her as he gets older. 

She continues to be sure that she will deliver early- thus the urgency in her visit yesterday.  She has asked me to be there in the delivery room with her.  I am beyond excited about the idea but will respect her wishes should she decide that she doesn't want me there.  She feels she will deliver very soon- and she will only be 32 weeks on Friday.  Please keep positive thoughts that she doesn't go into labor that early.  I am hoping and praying for 36 weeks at least, but would take 34.  I know it is all out of our control, but could use some good thoughts!

I called the agency today to get the details of how the hospital process will work and didn't get much information.  That's another post in of itself.  I wanted to find out if the hospital where she plans to deliver is adoption friendly or not.  I am trying to control the controllables and know what to expect as best I can.  From the website, I can't really tell.  I did learn that they focus on exclusive breast feeding, which I understand 100%, but given an adoption plan is in place, I want to find out what their policies are.  I just don't trust the agency to get all of the information and am considering calling the hospital myself.  Anyone have any experience with that?  Of course I managed to read all sorts of horror stories about non-adoptive friendly hospitals online...

In other twists, apparently M told our first social worker that she had a relative that lived on a Native American reservation.  That wasn't followed up until the new SW was in place and now we had to file with the three tribal headquarters and wait for clearance with the ICWA.  That can take up to three weeks and was filed last week.  Our attorney thinks it is VERY unlikely that there will be issues with ICWA, as M does not seem to have direct ties.  But we will have to wait and see.  It was a rough few days when we got that news and had to digest it all. We are frustrated that it wasn't dealt with back in November when it first came up and our attorney will be following up on what happened with that. 

Sometimes I think I just might be living in a Life.time made for TV movie!  Please let us have our happy ending after all of this...

Grad school work is calling.  Hoping now that I have "dumped" this all here I will be able to focus! 

Progress

I feel like it's been forever since I posted updates here.  We've had some ups and downs with M, but we are at a good place right now.  I'm still struggling with our agency, but thankful for our attorney and her guidance. 

M has asked to see our nursery.  And honestly, I think it is a valid request in so many ways.  There's just one problem- we don't have a nursery just yet.  Her request was the catalyst we needed to get the ball rolling.  It's exciting and terrifying all at the same time!

Last weekend I stopped at Ta.rget to pick up a few items for the auction and I braved a stroll through the baby department.  Imagine my surprise when I saw that they were changing the department over and that there was an entire aisle of items on clearance... including the Bri.tax infant car seat I'd decided on.  I immediately texted Chris, and we decided to buy it.  We figure that no matter what, we'll need an infant car seat, and this is the one that I had decided I wanted.  It was like an out of body experience making that purchase and bringing it home.

I also texted my good friend Abi who is due around the same time M is to let her know about the great deals they had.  She is registered there- and many of her items have now been clearanced.  She called me on Saturday to let me know she got her crib at another Tar.get location on a great sale.  I decided to make the trip to another Tar.get to check on the crib I was coveting.  It was there... and... half off!!!!  So, we made the giant leap and bought it.

Holy cow.....

We now own....

a car seat....

and....

a crib!

We're making progress.  I think I have found a home for the trundle bed that currently lives in the nursery.  I know it would be great to have in there, but there simply isn't room.  And I don't want clutter in there.  I've pretty much decided on a dresser from Ikea that will also serve as a changing table.  We selected a glider and put it on our.... registry.

Yep, that's the other giant leap.   We now have a public baby registry on both Ama.zon and Babies R Us.  Chris may have gone a little nutso with the scanner at BRU, but we actually enjoyed the experience. 

I'm feeling hopeful.  And terrified. 

Lots more to share... but I'll stop here for tonight. 

On another note, thank you for all who supported our adoption auction.  We ended up raising just over $500!  It was a wonderful experience and my friends are already talking about doing one for Easter.  I'll share some details about how I set it up for anyone who might be interested in doing one for themselves. 

Auction Fundraiser is LIVE!

Just another quick post this morning to let you all know that the auction is now LIVE.  It is hosted on Face.book, so you will need an account to comment/bid.  You'll be able to see the items without an account.  If you see something you'd like to bid on, I'd be happy to be your proxy.  Just send me an email at puzzleblog (at) me (dot) com. So excited to share the talents of my creative friends!

The link is:  http://www.tinyurl.com/BertanaAuction

Here are a few more peeks at the items that we have up for bid....

Adoption Fundraiser

Quick post tonight...

More details coming soon, but wanted to share what I'm working on.  My super talented friends are helping me put together an online fundraising auction next week.  All items will be a Valentine theme and will be shipped in time to enjoy on Valentine's Day.

The auction will go live on Monday (maybe even Sunday night) with lots of goodies.  Please share! My talented friends are donating the shipping as well, so I am guessing that we'll have to limit to the US... Canadian friends let me know if you are interested in something once it is up and I can check with the artist.

Please feel free to share!
 

Sunday Ramblings... Nesting & Showers

It was a hectic first week back to work.  Even though I am not in the classroom, the first week after winter break is just as crazy!  After spending the fall helping teachers prepare for the new teacher evaluation process, it's finally my turn. Too bad I didn't really "practice what I preached" and am now scrambling to get everything organized and uploaded into the online program.  In fact, I should really be working on that right now...

We are still feeling confident that M is committed to the adoption plan.  We've had a few issues with the agency this week and M is frustrated with the process.  We've kept the lines of communication open with her and are working with the agency.  She does seem a little confused on her due date, and I am hoping to get some clarification this week.  We know that she had her last child early and she has told us that she will have this baby at 8 months/a month early.  In my mind, that means 35/36 weeks.  In her mind, it means 32 weeks (8 x 4).  While there is only a few weeks between the two, there's a world of difference!  Hoping that the new social worker that was assigned to her can get some clarification this week.

It's no secret that I am a type A person.  It's no secret that I have a hard time with limbo.  While we feel confident that M is committed to an adoption plan, the logistics of the next few months is consuming my thoughts.

My FMLA paperwork has been filed- based on M's due date, which we are sure is well past when she will actually deliver.  Trying to get as many projects completed before I go on leave, and not knowing a ball park of when she will deliver is making long range project management a little challenging.  My principal and direct administrator have been really supportive, it is more the pressure I'm putting on myself.

And then there's the idea that we need to start to prepare for the fact that there very well might be a baby in this house in a few months.   I always thought that we wouldn't set up a nursery until the baby is home with us. And I know that is what many adoptive parents do.  Other hopeful parents set up the nursery long before they are matched with a specific expectant mother.  There's the idea that if a placement doesn't happen, the nursery won't be a reminder.  While I understand this idea, and have subscribed to this school of thought for many years, I am starting to think that we might just need to set up a nursery.  There's a part of me that really wants to experience the same celebrations women who have the privilege of giving birth are entitled to.  We've waited so long and have so many friends who are so excited for us. 

Then there's the sad reality that we just are stretched thin with the level of living expenses we are providing for M.  We just don't have the resources to set up a full nursery on our own.  So many of our friends have been so generous supporting our adoption fund and continue to want to celebrate our upcoming adoption. We've been telling people that we want to wait for celebrations until after he is born and in our home.  This seems to be the tradition with most adoptive families.  And while showers are really about celebrating, it is also an opportunity for friends and family to provide the necessities for a little one.  And so brings me to my latest debate... do we do a shower before he is born?

I've started a baby registry at Amazon, but have it set to private.  We decided on a nursery theme.  (ok, I decided and Chris agreed).  I could just share our registry details with people.  We could directly ask for specific support from our close friends.  There really are only a few big ticket items that he will need in his first few weeks. I HATE that we just don't have the resources to purchase those items on our own. 

My current thought is to do something small with our closest friends before he is born and wait for the big celebrations with our swim teams and coworkers after he is legally ours.  Thinking I will talk to a few close friends and see what they think. Anyone have words of advice or suggestions?

Amazing....

Thank you for all of the love and support on my last post.  We had a great day together today, and there was no drama with M and I.  If anything, the drama with the agency has actually strengthened our relationship. 

It was wonderful to see the u/s in person today.  Everything is right on track, and measuring right where it should.  This was not her regular OB, but a MFM who was asked to consult on her case.  I wasn't comfortable asking lots of questions out of respect for M, but did ask a few that mattered. She did share with the u/s tech who I was and why I was there.  She made sure I could see the screen during the u/s. 

My heart is feeling very full tonight.  Hoping and praying that things continue to go well.  I'll be making some calls to the agency and our attorney to address the issues head on.  Hoping that we can make some changes in the professionals dealing with M to help alleviate some stress.

Reality is hitting home tonight.  She'll probably deliver early, as she has said from the start.  Her other children were born early, and she is already on preventative measures at this point.  She is 27 weeks today and her official due date is April 5th.  She seems sure she will have the baby a full month early.  Hoping that isn't the case as I know that it is best for the little peanut to stay snug as long as possible, but know that she is antsy for delivery already. 

It was amazing to see all of the wonders on the u/s screen....



arms....
legs....
spine....
brain....
rib cage...
four chambers of the heart....
and.....





BOY parts! 

Yep, I will be outnumbered.  There is a little man expected into our lives in a few months.

Feeling so very hopeful and peaceful tonight.