Infertility has shaped the woman I am today. It has been a constant in my life for the past 12 years and I am coming to the realization that it will always be a part of who I am. I've heard from those who have crossed over that it does become less of who you are, but that it is always there. Adding in our recurrent pregnancy loss of the past 18 months has added another layer that weighs me down. There are days that it is really just a heavy burden that I wish I could collapse under. But I am strong, and I continue to get stronger each day- because that is the only choice I have. My drive to become a mother and see my husband blossom as a father carries me through. However, there are days that its just so heavy that I don't know how I will continue to move forward. It's one of those days today, and I feel like I need to just take a little rest.
Of the many things that infertility and RPL have taken from me, the one that hurts the most is the loss of trust in my body. I'm not really talking about body image- that's another post all together. I'm talking about being able to trust my body to do what it is supposed to do. Trust in my intuition and the signs my body gives. Spending years as an infertility survivor makes you acutely aware of your body in a way that many women never really get to experience. I know where my ovaries are- I mean really know and can feel them when they are full of cysts or ready to ovulate. I am so in tune with the symptoms of pregnancy. I've felt them too many times over the past two years. I know how my body changes in the early days of a pregnancy. I know how it feels when a pregnancy ends too soon.
But then I wonder if my body and mind are truly in sync. Am I really feeling things? Or is it my mind playing tricks on me? Has all of this loss and struggle caused me to lose my mind? It has gotten to the point that I don't even verbalize many of this to anyone- I'm afraid that people will think I've lost my mind. Those closest to me don't even know what to say anymore. They've said "I'm sorry" more times than any person should have to.
For the past two weeks, I've felt something. I am terrified that I might be pregnant and miscarrying again. But then I question myself and wonder if I am just programmed to think this. It's been all I've known for the past two years and it's about "time" for me to go through this again. I had many of the same symptoms I've had before. I actually even had a strong AF start while we were in Omaha. So I thought I could finally put things to rest and move on. I didn't test and I enjoyed adult beverages.
But there's been a nagging sense of something. My gums have been really swollen- which was a tell tale sign in the past. I'm crying at the drop of a hat and can fall asleep just about any time. The girls seem swollen. My sense of smell is ridiculous. This morning I woke up with cramps again. AF has been long gone. But this was the path that things went down last summer- I had what I thought was AF and then a week later I started bleeding again. I tested and learned that I was pregnant and miscarrying all at once.
I feel silly. Surely, this is all in my mind. I have tests in the house, but I feel silly using them. And if I use them and get a positive- then what? There's no way that this is going to end well. I suppose I will test- maybe tomorrow just to put my mind at ease. What's the cost of another pregnancy test at this point, right?
I hate this. I hate that I can't trust my body. I hate that I can't trust my mind. I hate that I can't trust myself.
Update:
Tested this AM with digital. Clearly NOT PREGNANT. Feeling relief but also wondering if it was in fact another really early m/c. Ugh! Thankful that I don't have to endure months of beta hell like I did last summer. Thanks for all of your sweet comments!
