thank you

Thank you to each and every single one of you who has reached out to me over the past week.  The comments and emails have kept me sane through all of this. 

The spotting has almost stopped.  It's only on the TP now.  I've been on the couch all day while Chris has taken care of everything.  (I did get a little animated when I watched the Pack.ers lose.  There's nothing more that this Bears fan could have asked for today.) 

Do I still have symptoms?  Who knows.  The girls seem to be sore- but is it just because I keep "checking" to see if they are sore?  I'm exhausted- but I've also been sedentary for three days.  I'm starving and have no appetite all at once.  I'm having some stomach issues today too.

So we just wait.  I am trying to prepare for the worst while hoping for the best at tomorrow's u/s.  It's still early- at least I think based on everything.  I won't be 6 weeks until Wednesday.  So who knows what the u/s will show.  I've tried to play out all the options in my mind- there's nothing there anymore, there's been no growth, there's growth but not enough, and just maybe, everything is ok. 

Please keep all the prayers and good thoughts coming our way.  Our u/s is scheduled for 9:40 CST tomorrow.  I am just hoping I will have the strength to endure whatever tomorrow brings... 

bleeding-UPDATES

Seriously, if this wasn't happening to me I am not sure I would buy it.

I started bleeding last night about 9.  It's heavier than spotting but not "saturating a pad in an hour" (warning... this is going to get TMI from here)  There is very little on the liner but when I go to the bathroom, it "falls" out.  It's about 1 tablespoon an hour.  I was up just about every hour last night checking of course.  There are really no clots and I am not having any real cramping.  There are some twinges, but it somehow feels different. 

Called the nurse this morning.  As I knew, there is really nothing but wait and see.  I already have an u/s scheduled for Monday.  Wanted to make sure I was following the correct protocol so I don't get yelled at again.  The nurse I talked to was very kind and tried to calm my nerves.  She assured me that the fact there aren't clots and no pain is a good sign.  But she also knows that red blood is never a good thing.

I don't know what to think.  I've been here before.  But last time I had large clots and passed tissue early on in the process.  This time feels different... or do I just want it to be different?

Is it possible that the fibroid they saw could be causing this?  Could it really be a hematoma of some sort?  I've spent way too much time on Dr Goo.gle.  Could taking extra progesterone at this point help?  I was late taking my am dose yesterday.  Could that have caused this?

Please let the bleeding stop.   I am on bed rest until I go in on Monday.  Of course Chris is at a meet all day today, so that means I am on my own.  I am sure I could call friends to come bring me stuff- but my house is a disaster.  Seriously.

I don't know what to think.  Anyone have similar stories?  I think I am just grasping at straws at this point. 

Thank you for all of your words of support.  I've read comments over and over.

~~~Update~~~

It is now later in the afternoon and the bleeding has returned to just spotting.  It's only on the TP when I wipe.  No clots, no pain... could this really end up ok?! 

Still hanging out in bed.  Let's hope things continue to look good.

over 5000

Just talked to the nurse.  My HCG was over 5,000 yesterday.  Which is higher than its ever been.  Which is more than double.  So I am not sure what to think.  The spotting started AFTER I had that blood test, so I am not so confident we are out of the woods. 

Told the nurse about the spotting and she assured me that it could be normal.  She reminded me that brown is usually not a bad sign.  And the fact I don't have cramping is even better.  I'm supposed to take it easy for the weekend and go back in for another u/s on Monday morning. 

The last time it was red from the start.  Could this really be different this time?  The techs also said they saw a small fibroid (along with my bicornute uterus).  Could the fibroid really be a hematoma? 

The nurse said even if it is red, it can be ok.  I am supposed to call if it is heavy like a period or I start cramping. 

Shit... I am starting to hope again.

spotting

In my heart, I know how this is going to end.

I started spotting last night.  That was my last hope. There hadn't been ANY spotting until last night.  And now there is.  I know that all the evidence now points that this pregnancy is not going to end in a miracle.  I really thought I had protected myself and that I wasn't going to feel my heart break once again.  But as the spotting has continued, a little piece of my heart broke off once again.

The spotting is not heavy- there is nothing on a liner- only on the TP.  It's dark in color. All would be good signs if I didn't already have the other two strikes- slow rising HCG and u/s that measures behind.  Of course there is an itsy bitsy tiny part of me that is holding out for just a tiny sliver of hope.  But my head and my heart knows what this all means.

I decided to stay home from work today.  I know it doesn't really do anything to stay off my feet at this point- but I want to at least know that I did everything I could.  I also didn't think my mental state would be very conducive to interactions with middle school children today either...  We also finally had the first big snow storm of the year so the roads are a mess.  My favorite sub was able to come in today- so it just made sense to stay home.

I had labs drawn yesterday afternoon.  Lab tech told me that the Dr should have them by this morning and if I was anxious to feel free to call.  The spotting started hours after I got home, so I am not sure how the numbers will fall.  The spotting also started after office hours and since I know there is NOTHING that can really be done, I didn't call the emergency number.  So, I'll call the office later this morning and hopefully be able to talk to a nurse.  I don't know what the numbers will say.  I have a hunch...

I am feeling really numb and raw all at once right now. 

More limbo...

I'm not sure what to think at this point.  I hope some of you can shed some light and some hope our way.

We had our u/s today and there clearly is a gestational sac. Good news as this means that I am no longer on "red alert" status for a possible ectopic.  However, the sac is measuring small.  Today showed little growth from the last u/s- but that was ONLY THREE DAYS AGO.  The sac is measuring at 4w2d.

The other concern is my beta.  The beta only went up to 2300 on Monday from 1800 on Saturday.  Yes, it is a rise... but nowhere near doubling.  The OB said he would have liked it to be higher, but he is happy it is continuing to rise and reminded me that they stop doubling at some point.

Since I have NO IDEA when I ovulated, I don't have a clue where I am at.  Of course looking at Dr Goo.gle, hcg of 2300 is high for 4w2d (which would be 16dpo, right?) 

This is the second tech to tell me I have a slight bicornute uterus.  Um, what?  Apparently they think I have some sort of septum? This was never discussed at CC.RM and I have a really hard time thinking that this is something they missed while I was there.   Really? Anyone else think that is strange?  Tech also said that the sac is very far to the right. 

I have no spotting.  The cramping is gone.  The girls are still sore.  I felt like crap all day today. 

I don't know what to think.  Anyone have any wise words or stories of hope?

Repeat labs on Thursday.  If numbers are still going up, then repeat u/s in two weeks.

Can't we just get a clear answer?!

Today's OB Appt

Today's appointment was much more relaxed.  I really do like the OB.  He is older and experienced, but also willing to do what I need to feel assured.  Saturday's labs were at 1800, which is shy of doubling.  However, the OB is not concerned as it wasn't 48 hours inbetween.  Thursday's test was in the afternoon, and Saturday was first thing in the morning.  I am not going to worry about that.  I am not going to worry about that... Do I sound like I mean that? :)

They did the full initial OB appointment today which meant 5 vials of blood as well as my vitals. My blood pressure was actually lower than I expected.  :)  He also talked about the fact that he has every intention of sending me to the MFM practice when I hit 12 weeks.  I like that I didn't have to bring that up and that he is thinking ahead.  He wanted to do a pap today since it has been over a year, but when I was concerned- he told me we would wait until March or so.  I know it isn't really going to cause issues, but I just don't want to risk any extra activity down there right now.  He was VERY receptive, so that made me feel even more confident in his care. 

He is cautiously optimistic at this point.  I am still at risk for an ectopic due to my history.  I don't have any signs or symptoms, but he really wants to error on the side of caution.  So- as long as my beta comes back at 3600 or so today I am back tomorrow for another u/s.  I flinched at first- I just don't know if I can handle another inconclusive ultrasound.  But he feels strongly that we SHOULD see a gestational sac if my beta is over 3000 and needs to rule out an ectopic.   He said he would put me at the last slot- giving it as long as possible.  He will be in the office tomorrow afternoon and will meet with us after the u/s.

He thinks that we are at about 5 weeks- so it is REALLY early still.  When we did the "math" that makes sense.  :)  However, when you look at my last period, it seems like I should be closer to 8 weeks.  It is getting frustrating explaining this to every medical professional.  I am hoping that it is the original u/s tech tomorrow who already knows my story.  I am sure I will have to explain yet again.  But I have now had my "official" first appointment, so hopefully all of the confusion with that is over. 

So please keep the positive thinking and good thoughts coming.  The u/s is scheduled for 4:30 tomorrow.  Hoping we will finally have some good news.

One more day

Thank you for all of your comments on my last post.  It means so much to have so many of you cheering and supporting us from around the web.  To those of you who've been in my shoes... thank you so much for sharing your stories and letting me know that I am not alone in my feelings.

I am feeling better today.  I am having some feelings of guilt about my rant yesterday about not wanting to do this.  I have irrational fears that my emotions yesterday will cause this pregnancy to end in miscarriage.  Now my rational side knows how crazy that sounds.  Really, I do.  I spent some time thinking this morning and trying to convince the "cosmos" how much Chris and I really do want this pregnancy to stick.  (I have some serious faith issues- thus the reason for cosmos rather than G.od)  There, I admit it.  I really want this to work.  But I also know in my heart that we are meant to adopt.  I'm not going to try to fight those two feelings right now.  I'm trying to just let go and embrace whatever the next few days/weeks/months hold.

I did spend some time being creative in my studio.  I am taking an online class and it felt good to create for myself.  I haven't done that it months.  With our etsy store funding our adoption, so much of my creative time has been spent stocking my store and filling orders.  I am so thankful that I am able to use my creative talents to raise much needed funds.  But it feels so good to create just for the sake of creating.  I'm hoping to steal some time tomorrow to get some cards made up for the etsy store too. 

I am trying so hard not to obcess about symptoms and such.  I was thinking that the girls didn't feel as full as before, but once I put on a bra, it was clear that they are just as full. I haven't had any cramping today- other than some light "tugging" in my right side.  They cyst is on the right side, and the "speck" they saw on u/s is also on the right side of my uterus.  So it makes sense.  There still is really no spotting.  There may be some tiny slight brown when I go looking for it.  For those of you IF vets, you know what I am talking about.  :)  I was up to go to the bathroom three times during the night.  I seem to be crying at really stupid commercials and tv shows. 

I've sent off my sub plans for tomorrow.  I am a little worried about my students having a sub this close to break, but my favorite go to sub agreed to come in for me.  She is the amazing woman who covered for me when I had my first miscarriage in 2010.  I know she will be able to handle things.  I had a feeling there might be an issue, so I made most of the needed copies before I left school on Friday.  So I am hoping to just embrace the day off as a chance to spend some time with Chris... which is a premium this time of the year. 

Thank you again for your love and support.  Looks like I've made it one more day.  It's one day at a time for now.