16 years ago today...

Chris asked me to marry him on Valentine's Day 1995.  Hard to believe that it's been 16 years since I said YES.  We've come a long way from those young kids, but I wouldn't trade a moment.  (Ok, there are few moments in the past year I might trade)  I always thought it was cheesy when people said that they loved their spouse more today than they did before, but I totally get it now.  Back then, I really had no idea what love really was.  I didn't know what the next year would hold for us. 

We married really young.  It's been a tough road, but it was the best choice for us.  I love this man so very much and can't wait to start the next chapter of our lives as parents.  Hoping that we will be able to share our love with a child in the very near future.

Weren't we cute kids?  Photo was taken on our wedding day- June 22, 1996.  We'll celebrate our 15th wedding anniversary this year!  How is that even possible?

Hope you are all having a great day with those you love.  I have a very close friend who lost her husband too soon and I think of her on days like today.  I have such an empathy for her.  She gets it- Days like today are as painful for her as Mother's Day is for me.  So for today, I will cherish Chris a little more, and hug him a little tighter.  We may long for a child, we do have each other. 

Too Much Knowledge Isn't Always a Good Thing

So AF is here in all her glory. 

It's hard not knowing what is exactly going on with your body.  I've spent a decade knowing the intimate workings of my reproductive system. I wish I could go back to being ignorant about it all.  I don't know what it is going on for sure, but I have some theories. I hope the day comes that I won't think about it anymore.  That I won't know what cycle day I am on.  That I won't think about what could be going on with my body. 

I do know that my PMS symptoms this time were VERY intense.  I am hoping that is not a sign of things to come and is just my body still adjusting post miscarriage.  I can't imagine having the intense symptoms with every cycle for the rest of my life. 

I had really hoped that we could have a really nice romantic Valentine's Day celebration this year after the disaster of last year.  Thank you AF for ruining that plan.  Thank goodness for pain meds and a busy day today to keep me moving forward. 

Thank you for all of your support and comments.  I've said it before, but I really can't say it enough.  I don't know what I would do without this blog and those of you who read and support me.  It helps so much to get my crazy thoughts out of my head and I know you all get it and won't judge me.  Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!

Chris has a HUGE swim meet this afternoon for his high school team.  His team has the chance to win the conference title for the first time in the history of the school.  There are two other teams that usually dominate everything so it will be awesome if they can pull it off!  Looking forward to spending the afternoon with the team.

Tomorrow is our day to spend together.  Hoping to get some new running shoes and get my ass moving.  Did I mention that I signed up to run an 8k on April 10th?  I haven't run in a year.  And even before that I wasn't doing much.  Hoping this will give me something to focus on.  Maybe I can finally make my body do something that I want it to do!

Still crazy

POAS- Instant negative, but nothing in the control window (Don't you think I could figure out how to use one of these after all these years?!)

Feeling some crampiness, so I think AF is on her way.  But who knows.

Crazy dreams and sore girls still here.  No spotting.

Weepy this morning with Chris after I had some car issues.  Again, could be PMS.

Still tired and feeling crummy- but that could just be the fact that it's February and it's COLD and snowy here. (We got more snow yesterday on top of the 2 feet from the blizzard!)

So nothing to report... pretty sure AF will show soon.

Appointment with GP tomorrow to get Adoption paperwork filled out.  Also discussing my high blood pressure and the cold that won't go away.  Hoping she will also draw the bloodwork that CC.RM suggested after my miscarriage.  Oh, and I haven't seen here since I was pregnant, so have to explain all of that too.  Just to add it to my chart and all.

I took the full day off of work, so hoping that I can get a few more things checked off the adoption to do list tomorrow.  Waiting to hear back from our social worker as to when we are going to reschedule my interview.

Having some questions roll around my head about our adoption options.  I wish it was like the commercial for the financial planning company on tv- where there is just an orange line you follow that tells you what the best path for you is.  Anyone know where I can find one of those?

Sorry for my last few posts being a rambling mess.  I just seem to be a rambling mess these days!

I Might be Crazy

So I am making myself a little nuts... but isn't that what all infertiles do? 

Let's review the facts:

• We've been TTC for 10 years, 7 months. 
• We've had "perfect" cycles end in BFN- even with CGH normal embryos and a textbook lining
• My last cycle was our first ever BFP- but that was with an entire medicine cabinet of meds and 2 good looking embryos
• I've only had one "surprise" positive while I was on BCPs in 2002
• My cycles are all over the place- 20 days or 100 days- it's a gamble each cycle

So today is CD 38.  I had PMS like symptoms two weeks ago- mood swings and such. Thought for sure AF was going to show.  Nothing. No sign of anything. 

In comes the crazy vivid dreams.  Like wake you up in the middle of the night going, "huh?" kind of dreams.  Last time I had these... yep, was when I was pg.

And then my "girls" started hurting.  I mean really hurting.  Like they did with the BFP.  And I am exhausted. All. The. Time.

But this could all be in my head.  It most probably is.  Or it could be some other medical issue revving up in my body, who knows?!

I have pain in my right ovary too.  Probably a big mother of a cyst in there.  It's about time for one of those PCOS lovelies to show up.  Too bad I don't have a clue what is going on in there, and don't have any plans of calling up the RE just for a customary, "please check my ovary" ultrasounds.

It's times like this that I wish I could just have all of my reproductive organs removed.  They aren't working, so let's just evict them all.  Then I wouldn't have to even think about things like this.

So I will POAS tomorrow.  Hopefully that will bring on AF and I can move on. 

Please no "It could happen" comments tonight.  I know that it could happen.  That's what keeps me on this crazy roller coaster.  I really just want to get off.  And as long as I have ovaries and a uterus, I guess this is going to happen.  (No, I don't have any crazy ideas of really getting an elective hysterectomy, but you have to admit that it does have some merits for consideration!)

One more thing- it was exactly one year ago today that we learned that our first "perfect" transfer ended up with a BFN.  That couldn't have anything to do with my mood tonight, could it?!

Enough rambling for tonight...

The Snowpocolypse of 2011

As I am sure all of you are aware, we've just had a little snow storm here in Chicagoland.

Ok, so maybe it was more than a little storm- it was the third largest in the history of Chicago weather.  We have 4+ foot drifts of snow in our yard.  The entire northern part of Illinois is considered a disaster area.  Yesterday our county was under "civil emergency" which means nobody could be out driving.  Which would have been a feat in of itself considering that most streets weren't even plowed until the afternoon anyway. 

This storm was predicted.  But we all thought it was just the weather people building up the hype. 

It lived up to the hype.  And then some. 

Thought I would share a few of my favorite photos from yesterday.  For those of you in warm climates, aren't you jealous?!

That's a YARD stick!  This is one drift outside our front door.

Chris' Chrysler 300.  I guess it really is aerodynamic!

My SUV under a blanket of snow.  Yep, even it needed help to move!

Romeo LOVES the snow.  Here he is clearing a path so I can walk to Grandma's house.

My HERO- Seriously, it was nuts!  Way too much snow to shovel, but he did it!

Today is my second snow day in a row.  Loving being home.  Hoping to have some creative time today instead of worrying about the work left for me at school.  It will still be there, right?

Trigger Dates

The year ahead is full of what I consider trigger dates.  These are dates that mark a moment in time that is heavy with emotion.  2010 shook my life to its core and I can sense that there will be many aftershocks in 2011.

I fear that tomorrow will be the first such date.  I've been feeling out of sorts for the past week.  This is always a stressful time in our home and work lives.  I am also on CD #28, so I am thinking I am also dealing with the effects of PMS.  I have been sick for a month with a cold that just seems to keep on coming back.  Feeling overwhelmed.  But then it hit me... tomorrow will be January 29th.  It will mark one year since our first FET at CCRM.  We were just so VERY hopeful and so sure our dreams were finally going to come true.  (You can read about it here) 

I wish I could do it over.  I wish I could go back to the hopefulness we felt. 

But it didn't end as we had hoped.  It ended so badly, that it still hurts.  It really hurts.  I can still feel the sting of hope being ripped from our hearts. 

We are healing, but there are days where it just hits me.  I find myself suddenly recalling details from last January and I realize I am holding my breath.  I am trying to find the strength to exhale.

And sometimes the exhaling comes with tears.

I am trying to be aware of these trigger dates, and allow myself to feel whatever they bring.

That's one step in the healing process, right?

One date down, many more to come.

Hoping that 2011 brings days to celebrate, too.

Breaking up with Treatment

Our social worker rescheduled my interview that was scheduled for tonight, so no adoption homestudy update today.  I've literally made myself sick thinking about the interview, and now I have to wait at least another week- but that's another post...  I am not feeling great, so I really don't mind that it was rescheduled. 
 
For those who've read my blog in recent months, know that I am having a hard time walking away from treatment cold turkey.  We got so close with our last cycle. I got pregnant for the first time ever.  Even our RE feels we should give it one more try.  But that is not where we are going.  We need to move onto other avenues for now.  I need to breakup with treatment.

My grief over stepping away from treatment has been the topic of many therapy sessions over the past few months.  It was my therapist who made the analogy between walking away from treatment and breaking up with a boyfriend.  Since I married my high school sweetheart, I really don't have much experience with the whole breakup thing.  Maybe that explains why I am having such a hard time.

Treatment is really all I've known for the past decade.  In many ways it feels safe.  I know what to expect- both the good and the bad.  I know all the players.  I know when to expect the pain and heartache.  My expectations have lowered over the years as I learned not to hope for much.  Let's face it, I've been burned by treatment time and time again.  I need to walk away.

I am finding myself longing to be back in treatment, and reading the blogs of those who are still cycling.  It just makes me sad, but I want to follow those who have been so very supportive of me along the way.  It's like the dilemma of what to do about the friends you share with an ex-boyfriend.  It's not their fault that you broke up and you still value their friendship.  I am working to find the balance that feels right to me.  I can't simply walk away from reading the blogs of those I've come to care about while we were all in treatment. 

I am working on embracing our new path and trying to replace some of my treatment obsessions with learning about adoption.  I'm trying to add adoption blogs to my reader to balance my need to follow those still in treatment.  I have yet to find an adoption forum to support me as much as IVFConnections did for me when we were in treatment.

A new relationship is exciting- as long as you have made your peace with the breakup.  I am getting there.  I think I will always hold treatment as a special place in my heart, and hope that someday we can be reunited.  But for now, we need to breakup so that I can move onto our new relationship with adoption.

Trying to allow myself to deal with the feelings.  It still feels raw at times, and I think I have been hard on myself.  It's hard to end a 10 year relationship and not have grief and regret.

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Adding onto my glum mood today is the fact that not one, but two high school friends had babies today.  I am thrilled for both of them, but a little piece of my heart breaks off each time someone experiences the birth of a child.  I'm coming to terms with the idea that I will never have that experience.   One of the friend's moms wrote "I love the miracle of birth, God is good."  Just a dagger to the heart of an infertile girl.