I've been stranded in the house since Friday night. I am really ok with it, but it's funny how you want to go out and do things just because you can't!
My car is now at the shop but will hopefully cost less than the $1000 the dealer quoted. A friend suggested a shop they use and we decided to give it a shot since the cost was MUCH less than the dealer. It's amazing how $600 can seem like a small amount. It's all about perspective, right?
I've spent most of the weekend trying to decide on what to do for our Christmas cards. I've decided to do paper versions and not digital. I *need* to get paper in my hands and have the time creating. It's what my soul needs right now. I'm still moving things into my studio, but there is enough there for me to get started on being creative.
We are hoping to send a little different Christmas letter in our cards this year. We want to share our intentions to adopt with all of our friends & family. Chris has a theory that we have such a large network of people in our lives, that someone must know someone who is looking for an adoptive couple for their child. It's worth a shot, right? So I am feeling some pressure with getting cards out. I know we could send the information out later, but it just makes sense to send it out all with our holiday cards.
I did purchase a domain name for our adoption website. I don't want to link it here since it could be connected back here and I just don't want that. If you are interested, go to www. chris and patience .com (take out the spaces) Right now it is just a single page. We still have a LONG way to go to have a live profile. I've started working on it, and can't even begin to think about how we will finalize even the tiniest detail of photos, let alone what to write!
We got an email from our social worker at the agency this week. She wants to set up our first meeting in our home. Yikes! I thought this would come at the end and with all of the work we still have to do around here, it put me into a panic. Honestly, I haven't even responded to the email yet. I think I will send a quick email this afternoon and hopefully call her as well. I think we'll be ready after the first of the year. I just need some time to get the little things done around here from all of the construction.
Oh, and Chris and I still haven't talked about the call from Dr Sch. I've realized that my heart would love to cycle again, but my head knows it's not really a possibility right now. We need to take the unknown path. We just can't go down the treacherous treatment again right now. (If I was offered a free cycle at ccrm, though....)
Hoping to get the Christmas card design finalized this afternoon!
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Thursday, December 2, 2010
The $1,000 vent
Nope, that's not the cost of anything fun.
It's the estimated cost to repair my car- the car that just reached 100,000 miles and the end of the warranty two weeks ago. Yep, we really are lucky! If only we had taken it in when I first mentioned the issue to Chris. Trying REALLY hard not to dwell on that...
I am frustrated as you can imagine. I know this is not a big deal in the grand scheme of things. But $1,000 is a great deal of money when you have spent your savings on an IVF. And we still are getting bills for my labs during the miscarriage. Good times all around. And let's just remember that it's December which means the holidays and the expenses that come with that.
I am finding myself really having a hard time being positive lately. Not only am I still trying to cope with the miscarriage and Christmas, but now I have to deal with the additional financial strain getting my car fixed will cost. Chris and I work opposite shifts, but not opposite enough that we can live with one car. I was able to get a ride to and from school today from friends, but that won't work in the long run. It's amazing how dependent we are on having a car. I feel like a prisoner in my house tonight.
A middle school in December is also tons of fun. The kids are crazy. The staff are counting the days. This year we have school until December 22nd. It's going to be a LONG 14 days of school! I've had to refer two kids to the office in the past week, which is more than I have done for the rest of the year! I know my heart just isn't 100% into being the best teacher right now, and that stresses me out even more. I hate not being the top of my game. But I just don't have a choice. My heart is still healing, and it seems to have a setback about every other day.
So I am rambling here. Frustrated that the universe is screwing us once again. Can't we just catch a break for once? I mean, shouldn't I at least be able to purchase some nice gifts to mask the pain of being child free once again this Christmas? Can't the universe cut me some slack? Pretty please?
It's the estimated cost to repair my car- the car that just reached 100,000 miles and the end of the warranty two weeks ago. Yep, we really are lucky! If only we had taken it in when I first mentioned the issue to Chris. Trying REALLY hard not to dwell on that...
I am frustrated as you can imagine. I know this is not a big deal in the grand scheme of things. But $1,000 is a great deal of money when you have spent your savings on an IVF. And we still are getting bills for my labs during the miscarriage. Good times all around. And let's just remember that it's December which means the holidays and the expenses that come with that.
I am finding myself really having a hard time being positive lately. Not only am I still trying to cope with the miscarriage and Christmas, but now I have to deal with the additional financial strain getting my car fixed will cost. Chris and I work opposite shifts, but not opposite enough that we can live with one car. I was able to get a ride to and from school today from friends, but that won't work in the long run. It's amazing how dependent we are on having a car. I feel like a prisoner in my house tonight.
A middle school in December is also tons of fun. The kids are crazy. The staff are counting the days. This year we have school until December 22nd. It's going to be a LONG 14 days of school! I've had to refer two kids to the office in the past week, which is more than I have done for the rest of the year! I know my heart just isn't 100% into being the best teacher right now, and that stresses me out even more. I hate not being the top of my game. But I just don't have a choice. My heart is still healing, and it seems to have a setback about every other day.
So I am rambling here. Frustrated that the universe is screwing us once again. Can't we just catch a break for once? I mean, shouldn't I at least be able to purchase some nice gifts to mask the pain of being child free once again this Christmas? Can't the universe cut me some slack? Pretty please?
Monday, November 29, 2010
Notes to Myself
Yesterday we got out the Christmas tree. Yes, we have a fake tree. It's the only way to go when you have allergies and pets in our book. We also like to have it up a long time and were never really good at watering a real tree. So a few years ago we spent the money to get a nice artificial tree. It is stored in a large bag and requires assembly each year. We always question what order the branches go in and started making notes so we remember.
As I took out the branches, I found the note we wrote last year. On it was a reminder to put the lights on as we assembled each section- a helpful little tip to help us this year. I was overcome with emotion suddenly as I read the note. I started to think about the two people that wrote that note- the Chris & Patience of a year ago. Oh what a year they had ahead of them! If I could write them a note telling them all about what the year would hold, what would they have thought? Surely they wouldn't have believed it all. They were so full of hope that I think they would have just laughed it off.
Last year I was full of hope that we would finally have our miracle by the next time we put that tree up. I can imagine us thinking that we would have our hands full this year as we put the tree up and would need all the help we could get. We were so sure that by this time we would be complete and be sharing our first Christmas as a family. I actually wrote at one point, that I really thought that it would be our last Christmas without children.
I've said that for 10 years. Some years I believed it more than others. Last year was a year I really believed it with all my heart. We got so close, but in some ways we are even farther away than we've ever been to having that child centered Christmas. I have no idea what the next year will hold. I hold little hope that we will have a child by next Christmas. Last year we had a plan. This year we are lost.
I wish I could write a note back to the Chris & Patience we were 10 years ago. I wish I could tell them what the years ahead would be like. But then I remember what it felt like to have hope. I wouldn't want to take that from them. Even the Chris & Patience of 2009 had so much hope. I do wish that the Chris & Patience of 2025 could write me a note and just tell me that it all works out in the end. I don't even need to know how, I just need to know it does. I don't have much hope left, and I just need a tiny thread to pull me through.
I fear that the holidays this year are going to be tough. I need to find a way to embrace and enjoy the season. And just maybe I will be able to leave a note to myself saying it will all be ok.
As I took out the branches, I found the note we wrote last year. On it was a reminder to put the lights on as we assembled each section- a helpful little tip to help us this year. I was overcome with emotion suddenly as I read the note. I started to think about the two people that wrote that note- the Chris & Patience of a year ago. Oh what a year they had ahead of them! If I could write them a note telling them all about what the year would hold, what would they have thought? Surely they wouldn't have believed it all. They were so full of hope that I think they would have just laughed it off.
Last year I was full of hope that we would finally have our miracle by the next time we put that tree up. I can imagine us thinking that we would have our hands full this year as we put the tree up and would need all the help we could get. We were so sure that by this time we would be complete and be sharing our first Christmas as a family. I actually wrote at one point, that I really thought that it would be our last Christmas without children.
I've said that for 10 years. Some years I believed it more than others. Last year was a year I really believed it with all my heart. We got so close, but in some ways we are even farther away than we've ever been to having that child centered Christmas. I have no idea what the next year will hold. I hold little hope that we will have a child by next Christmas. Last year we had a plan. This year we are lost.
I wish I could write a note back to the Chris & Patience we were 10 years ago. I wish I could tell them what the years ahead would be like. But then I remember what it felt like to have hope. I wouldn't want to take that from them. Even the Chris & Patience of 2009 had so much hope. I do wish that the Chris & Patience of 2025 could write me a note and just tell me that it all works out in the end. I don't even need to know how, I just need to know it does. I don't have much hope left, and I just need a tiny thread to pull me through.
I fear that the holidays this year are going to be tough. I need to find a way to embrace and enjoy the season. And just maybe I will be able to leave a note to myself saying it will all be ok.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Infertility Gratitude
It's been a tough year, that's for sure. My life has taken some turns that I didn't expect. Our life today is not what I pictured last Thanksgiving for sure. Infertility has robbed me of so much, but it has also given me some things to be grateful for. So today, I am going to take the time to voice that gratitude.
First and foremost, I strongly believe that my marriage is stronger because of our infertility. While I would give just about anything for our infertility to have never been an issue, it has been a part of our marriage for the last 10 years. We've had some tough patches along the way- the miscarriage was not a piece of cake for either of us or our marriage. I've told him more than once that he deserves to be with someone who can give him a biological child. But he sticks around and reminds me that we are in this together. We've learned a great deal about each other and what is important as we've endured treatment and made decisions about next steps. I know it is cliche to say, but I do love him more today than the day I married him.
I am so very thankful for the amazing friends we have in our lives. I simply could not have endured the heartbreak of the failed IVF and miscarriage this year without each and every one of them. I made the tough decision to take a step away from my family, and these amazing people have become family to me. Infertility has shown me what relationships matter and how to be a better friend in return.
One of the true blessings in my relationship with Mandy, my best friend from high school. We've lost each other over the years, but our relationship has become very close over the past year. She has been there for me every step of the way, only a text or call between us. She lives on the other side of the country and has two adorable children who keep her very busy. While I will never know if we would have redeveloped our relationship if I wasn't infertile, I know it has brought us closer together. She has taken the time to research each treatment, test, or whatever else I was enduring. She was my lifesaver during the limbo land with the pregnancy/miscarriage. (My texts for the month were just a little high as a result!) I am forever grateful for her friendship. She has recently started her own business creating adorable dresses for little girls. Please check out her blog if you are in need of some gifts!
Probably one of the greatest gifts that infertility has given me is a greater sense of empathy for others. Unfortunately, I have been hurt by innocent comments and uncomfortable situations. I am careful about what I say and think about how someone else might feel in the situation. Sadly I have a few co-workers that have lost their spouses to illness. I am always careful about what I say about Chris and complaining about my marriage. I am sure they would give anything to have another argument with their spouse. I also NEVER ask people if they have children. I let them bring it up when meeting for the first time. I despise that question and it makes me cringe just thinking about it.
I am also thankful for the connections I have made to the world through blogging and message boards. There really aren't any real support groups for people like me, and having the support of all of you has meant the world to me. I know that I can always ask questions, vent, share joy, express grief, and so much more here on this blog and on the message boards. Finding my first message board on AOL all those years ago was the best thing I could have done. While I am sad that I have been left behind and most of those women are now parents, I know that they all wish the same for me. I don't think people really understand the human element that becomes a part of blogging. I care deeply for many women I have never met in person. I don't know anyone in "real" life who shares my story as much as many of you. For that, I am forever grateful.
I am far from being thankful for my infertility, but I am thankful for these gifts. So today, I am going to embrace that gratitude while I prepare for tomorrow's holiday.
First and foremost, I strongly believe that my marriage is stronger because of our infertility. While I would give just about anything for our infertility to have never been an issue, it has been a part of our marriage for the last 10 years. We've had some tough patches along the way- the miscarriage was not a piece of cake for either of us or our marriage. I've told him more than once that he deserves to be with someone who can give him a biological child. But he sticks around and reminds me that we are in this together. We've learned a great deal about each other and what is important as we've endured treatment and made decisions about next steps. I know it is cliche to say, but I do love him more today than the day I married him.
I am so very thankful for the amazing friends we have in our lives. I simply could not have endured the heartbreak of the failed IVF and miscarriage this year without each and every one of them. I made the tough decision to take a step away from my family, and these amazing people have become family to me. Infertility has shown me what relationships matter and how to be a better friend in return.
One of the true blessings in my relationship with Mandy, my best friend from high school. We've lost each other over the years, but our relationship has become very close over the past year. She has been there for me every step of the way, only a text or call between us. She lives on the other side of the country and has two adorable children who keep her very busy. While I will never know if we would have redeveloped our relationship if I wasn't infertile, I know it has brought us closer together. She has taken the time to research each treatment, test, or whatever else I was enduring. She was my lifesaver during the limbo land with the pregnancy/miscarriage. (My texts for the month were just a little high as a result!) I am forever grateful for her friendship. She has recently started her own business creating adorable dresses for little girls. Please check out her blog if you are in need of some gifts!
Probably one of the greatest gifts that infertility has given me is a greater sense of empathy for others. Unfortunately, I have been hurt by innocent comments and uncomfortable situations. I am careful about what I say and think about how someone else might feel in the situation. Sadly I have a few co-workers that have lost their spouses to illness. I am always careful about what I say about Chris and complaining about my marriage. I am sure they would give anything to have another argument with their spouse. I also NEVER ask people if they have children. I let them bring it up when meeting for the first time. I despise that question and it makes me cringe just thinking about it.
I am also thankful for the connections I have made to the world through blogging and message boards. There really aren't any real support groups for people like me, and having the support of all of you has meant the world to me. I know that I can always ask questions, vent, share joy, express grief, and so much more here on this blog and on the message boards. Finding my first message board on AOL all those years ago was the best thing I could have done. While I am sad that I have been left behind and most of those women are now parents, I know that they all wish the same for me. I don't think people really understand the human element that becomes a part of blogging. I care deeply for many women I have never met in person. I don't know anyone in "real" life who shares my story as much as many of you. For that, I am forever grateful.
I am far from being thankful for my infertility, but I am thankful for these gifts. So today, I am going to embrace that gratitude while I prepare for tomorrow's holiday.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
"I'm not giving up on you yet, girl"
That's the big idea I took from my call with Dr Sch today. That is a direct quote. As much as he can be described as blunt and harsh, he really has a good rapport with his patients. Most of us who find our way to him want blunt. We're over the sugar coating, drag me into another ineffective treatment. You don't get that from him. Let's be honest- CCR.M doesn't need the business. They have plenty of paying patients!
I was hoping for closure- not really
I was hoping for answers- a few.
However, I have a lot to think about. Chris wasn't able to be on the call so he just got the cliff notes version while he was at HS swim team try outs. We'll talk more tomorrow.
Bottom line- He thinks we should do it again. He is giving us a 50% chance with my eggs & my uterus. As for the miscarriage, he thinks it was the no result that implanted and was in fact not normal. (Why haven't we had a normal stick?!) He feels that one or more of the added treatments (Depot lupron, biopsy, & antihistamine protocol) was the difference between the transfer in January and the one in September. The only thing he would change is testing for clotting/immune issues with the APA and Thromobophilia panel (not sure I am even close to the spelling on that) Wishing I had done those tests before the last transfer, but we were told it wasn't necessary since we had implantation failure, not miscarriage. So now we fit that criteria.
He feels that our best bet is a gestational carrier, but definitely feels that another cycle with my uterus is worth trying. So now what?! He also feels that waiting 1-2 years to cycle (after a successful adoption!) wouldn't change my chances drastically since I am only 35. Yep, only 35. That's a change from the local clinics! He also said that we can have embryos frozen for years without them deteriorating.
I am going to have the blood tests, just so I know. I need to know if there is a known issue. I also need to have a period induced so that I can have a follow up ultrasound to make sure that all of the tissue is gone from the miscarriage. (Dr Sch called it a biochemical pregnancy- I guess that is because we never saw the heartbeat?)
So many options. I so wish that money didn't have to play a role in this all. He did say we could do the study they are doing right now that would cover meds and possibly the CCS testing. The downside is we might be in the control group & transfer without testing. Is that something to risk?
Right now, I wish we could do another cycle and freeze everything. Meanwhile, finish our homestudy and pursue adoption before transferring any of the embryos. However, both options will cost at least $40,000 combined. And our money tree has run dry.
I am interested to hear what some of you think. Please be kind, though!
I was hoping for closure- not really
I was hoping for answers- a few.
However, I have a lot to think about. Chris wasn't able to be on the call so he just got the cliff notes version while he was at HS swim team try outs. We'll talk more tomorrow.
Bottom line- He thinks we should do it again. He is giving us a 50% chance with my eggs & my uterus. As for the miscarriage, he thinks it was the no result that implanted and was in fact not normal. (Why haven't we had a normal stick?!) He feels that one or more of the added treatments (Depot lupron, biopsy, & antihistamine protocol) was the difference between the transfer in January and the one in September. The only thing he would change is testing for clotting/immune issues with the APA and Thromobophilia panel (not sure I am even close to the spelling on that) Wishing I had done those tests before the last transfer, but we were told it wasn't necessary since we had implantation failure, not miscarriage. So now we fit that criteria.
He feels that our best bet is a gestational carrier, but definitely feels that another cycle with my uterus is worth trying. So now what?! He also feels that waiting 1-2 years to cycle (after a successful adoption!) wouldn't change my chances drastically since I am only 35. Yep, only 35. That's a change from the local clinics! He also said that we can have embryos frozen for years without them deteriorating.
I am going to have the blood tests, just so I know. I need to know if there is a known issue. I also need to have a period induced so that I can have a follow up ultrasound to make sure that all of the tissue is gone from the miscarriage. (Dr Sch called it a biochemical pregnancy- I guess that is because we never saw the heartbeat?)
So many options. I so wish that money didn't have to play a role in this all. He did say we could do the study they are doing right now that would cover meds and possibly the CCS testing. The downside is we might be in the control group & transfer without testing. Is that something to risk?
Right now, I wish we could do another cycle and freeze everything. Meanwhile, finish our homestudy and pursue adoption before transferring any of the embryos. However, both options will cost at least $40,000 combined. And our money tree has run dry.
I am interested to hear what some of you think. Please be kind, though!
Monday, November 22, 2010
The Dumpter is Gone!
You might wonder what in the world I am talking about if you are new to my blog. Let me explain.
We have just finished some major repairs/renovations on our home after a nasty storm in June. The contractors delivered a giant dumpster before they even started work. It arrived during my 2ww after our FET. I remember seeing Chris run past it as I told him the news that we finally had our positive beta. It's been an eyesore ever since.
Work finished on the exterior of our home two weeks ago. We've been hoping that this dumpster would also be leaving. Unfortunately, the contractor overfilled it and the garbage company refused to haul it away- twice! Finally on Saturday the contractor sent someone out to take out the excess and the dumpster was hauled away this morning.
I know this will sound hokey, but I felt like that damn dumpster was symbolic of my grief from our miscarriage. It just sat there in the driveway, making it difficult for me to maneuver out each morning. I sometimes forgot it was there, but then I looked out the window and saw the monstrosity staring back at me. The repairs were done but we couldn't really appreciate the big picture because the damn thing was blocking the view. While it is now gone, there are marks from where it sat that will be there forever.
I could really say all the same things about my grief. It's been tough to get through some days- life just seems so mundane when you've endured a miscarriage after 10 years of infertility. And just when I realize I haven't thought about it in awhile, the pain comes crashing back. While I feel we really are moving in the direction of parenthood through adoption, it's hard to see the big picture. I have now felt what it meant to be pregnant, to have my body change. I am working on letting that go in the hopes I can move forward toward loving a child born of my heart. There will always be scars from this miscarriage as well as the struggles over the past 10 years. I am forever changed.
Now it is time to recognize that the dumpster is gone. It's time to move forward and close a chapter of our lives. We're talking with my RE tomorrow and hoping to find some closure. My heart still wishes we were able to try again, just one more time. But how many "one more times" is enough? How do we know? I so wish we could pursue both right now- one more IVF and adoption. I don't want to have any regrets. Unfortunately, that isn't financially possible. Chris mentioned that if the RE had a study or something we could get the IVF at a reduced rate, he might consider it. Since I am a worse case scenario, I am sure I am out of any study options.
While I am not ready to move on from our grief or our infertility completely, tonight I am going to celebrate. Celebrate that the damn dumpster is finally gone.
We have just finished some major repairs/renovations on our home after a nasty storm in June. The contractors delivered a giant dumpster before they even started work. It arrived during my 2ww after our FET. I remember seeing Chris run past it as I told him the news that we finally had our positive beta. It's been an eyesore ever since.
Work finished on the exterior of our home two weeks ago. We've been hoping that this dumpster would also be leaving. Unfortunately, the contractor overfilled it and the garbage company refused to haul it away- twice! Finally on Saturday the contractor sent someone out to take out the excess and the dumpster was hauled away this morning.
I know this will sound hokey, but I felt like that damn dumpster was symbolic of my grief from our miscarriage. It just sat there in the driveway, making it difficult for me to maneuver out each morning. I sometimes forgot it was there, but then I looked out the window and saw the monstrosity staring back at me. The repairs were done but we couldn't really appreciate the big picture because the damn thing was blocking the view. While it is now gone, there are marks from where it sat that will be there forever.
I could really say all the same things about my grief. It's been tough to get through some days- life just seems so mundane when you've endured a miscarriage after 10 years of infertility. And just when I realize I haven't thought about it in awhile, the pain comes crashing back. While I feel we really are moving in the direction of parenthood through adoption, it's hard to see the big picture. I have now felt what it meant to be pregnant, to have my body change. I am working on letting that go in the hopes I can move forward toward loving a child born of my heart. There will always be scars from this miscarriage as well as the struggles over the past 10 years. I am forever changed.
Now it is time to recognize that the dumpster is gone. It's time to move forward and close a chapter of our lives. We're talking with my RE tomorrow and hoping to find some closure. My heart still wishes we were able to try again, just one more time. But how many "one more times" is enough? How do we know? I so wish we could pursue both right now- one more IVF and adoption. I don't want to have any regrets. Unfortunately, that isn't financially possible. Chris mentioned that if the RE had a study or something we could get the IVF at a reduced rate, he might consider it. Since I am a worse case scenario, I am sure I am out of any study options.
While I am not ready to move on from our grief or our infertility completely, tonight I am going to celebrate. Celebrate that the damn dumpster is finally gone.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
November ICLW
Welcome to my little piece of the blogosphere.
Our story is long and treacherous, but we are hopeful we will someday find our missing piece. We've recently started down the path of domestic adoption after more than 10 years of infertility. After 4 fresh IVF cycles and 3 FETs, we finally got our positive only to miscarry at 5w4d last month. We're still healing and will finally have our WTF appointment with our RE on Tuesday. We are hoping to get some closure or at least some answers with this appointment.
We've also been dealing with repairs to our home from a storm in June. We are hoping that everything will be done this week. It's been a long process, but we've improved our home and are excited to put in all of the finishing touches. I am a creative person and have been without my studio for the last 5 months. I am just moving back in this weekend and excited to have my space back.
I am so grateful for the blogging community. It's been a tough year, and I have made some close "virtual" friends through it all. Knowing that I am not alone has allowed me to get through some of the toughest days.
I love comments and try hard to return the blog love.
Thanks for stopping by!
Our story is long and treacherous, but we are hopeful we will someday find our missing piece. We've recently started down the path of domestic adoption after more than 10 years of infertility. After 4 fresh IVF cycles and 3 FETs, we finally got our positive only to miscarry at 5w4d last month. We're still healing and will finally have our WTF appointment with our RE on Tuesday. We are hoping to get some closure or at least some answers with this appointment.
We've also been dealing with repairs to our home from a storm in June. We are hoping that everything will be done this week. It's been a long process, but we've improved our home and are excited to put in all of the finishing touches. I am a creative person and have been without my studio for the last 5 months. I am just moving back in this weekend and excited to have my space back.
I am so grateful for the blogging community. It's been a tough year, and I have made some close "virtual" friends through it all. Knowing that I am not alone has allowed me to get through some of the toughest days.
I love comments and try hard to return the blog love.
Thanks for stopping by!
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