So i started thinking, as did Chris. That is never good thing.
Is there any chance that we might have just lost one? We transferred two embryos. Could a drop that significant (3,400 to 2,000 over 4 days- one day after the bleed) still mean we might have one? I have NO BLEEDING at all. NONE. NOTHING.
Am I grasping at straws? I am so torn at what to do at this point. Do I stay sedentary until we have results on Monday in the hopes that we still have some chance at a miracle? Or do I say screw it and go on with my activities? (Of course it is a GORGEOUS day here in Chicago today!)
2,000+ is still in the normal range for a pregnancy at this stage. (Thank you Dr. Google). But a drop is never a good thing.
Am I setting myself up here? Should I just accept the fact that this pregnancy is over? I know that I really won't know anything until Monday. Have I mentioned just how much I HATE BEING IN LIMBO?!
Saturday, October 9, 2010
WHY?!
Warning- This is a middle of the night rant, and may not make any coherent sense.
The anger is finally starting to set in. I really can't believe this is happening to us.
I suppose I should be happy that we had two weeks of bliss truly believing that we beat IF. That we were finally in the promised land. That we were finally going to be "normal" and go on to have the family we have so desperately wanted. I am angry at myself. Who the hell did I think I was? Did I really think that I would really get the happy ending?
I keep trying to think of what I could have done to stop it from happening. I really was careful. I was working, but I did stay off my feet as much as I could. I taught from a chair most of the time. I didn't lift anything heavy. I came home and rested on the couch. I did have a few long days this week with meetings after school, but I wasn't on my feet. I was stressed with all that I needed to get done at work. Could that be the reason? While my brain knows that it isn't my fault, how can my heart believe that it wasn't?
I was assured that most miscarriages are caused by chromosomal issues. THE EMBRYO was chromosomally normal!!!!! That was supposed to decrease my miscarriage rate. Was it because we transferred the no result too? Was the second embyro not normal and took the good one with it?
I think I know the moment that the miscarriage happened. I was in the bathroom at school after returning from lunch. The red bleeding started at lunch, and I immediately told a good friend when we returned to school. We made arrangements for my classes to be taken over by someone else (it was an inservice day and I was teaching three sessions) and I made one last stop in the bathroom before heading home. It was there that I passed a large clot as I used the toilet paper. (warning TMI) I held it for a moment, and I just knew.
It all happened SO fast. Thursday morning I woke up pregnant. Happy and excited about finally hitting 6 weeks this weekend and looking forward to the ultrasound on Friday. No spotting and everything was great. My levels were PERFECT all along the way. There were NO signs that anything was going wrong. I was even called out by the secretary at work as being pregnant. And then the spotting at lunch, the clot at school, and bleeding for the rest of the afternoon. How did it go bad so quickly?
This was our LAST shot. I was so ready to be done with treatment and move on. We have NO MORE embryos and no more money or emotional strength to do another fresh cycle. After 10 years to finally get pregnant on our last try felt like a miracle. It changed my perspective.
Now what? How am I supposed to heal from this? How am I supposed to close this chapter of our lives after this? In all of our years of struggle and loss, we've never had pain like this. This is the worst that we have ever had to endure. Just when I though that it couldn't get any worse, it does. How can two good people really be dealt such a low blow once again?
Wondering what I am supposed to do now. How am I supposed to move on with my life now? I have to spend the weekend still on all of the meds and wait for the inevitable on Monday. Then what? Do I go back to work on Tuesday? Is the worst of the bleeding over now? How long is it going to take for this to resolve itself?
And most of all...
Why?!
The anger is finally starting to set in. I really can't believe this is happening to us.
I suppose I should be happy that we had two weeks of bliss truly believing that we beat IF. That we were finally in the promised land. That we were finally going to be "normal" and go on to have the family we have so desperately wanted. I am angry at myself. Who the hell did I think I was? Did I really think that I would really get the happy ending?
I keep trying to think of what I could have done to stop it from happening. I really was careful. I was working, but I did stay off my feet as much as I could. I taught from a chair most of the time. I didn't lift anything heavy. I came home and rested on the couch. I did have a few long days this week with meetings after school, but I wasn't on my feet. I was stressed with all that I needed to get done at work. Could that be the reason? While my brain knows that it isn't my fault, how can my heart believe that it wasn't?
I was assured that most miscarriages are caused by chromosomal issues. THE EMBRYO was chromosomally normal!!!!! That was supposed to decrease my miscarriage rate. Was it because we transferred the no result too? Was the second embyro not normal and took the good one with it?
I think I know the moment that the miscarriage happened. I was in the bathroom at school after returning from lunch. The red bleeding started at lunch, and I immediately told a good friend when we returned to school. We made arrangements for my classes to be taken over by someone else (it was an inservice day and I was teaching three sessions) and I made one last stop in the bathroom before heading home. It was there that I passed a large clot as I used the toilet paper. (warning TMI) I held it for a moment, and I just knew.
It all happened SO fast. Thursday morning I woke up pregnant. Happy and excited about finally hitting 6 weeks this weekend and looking forward to the ultrasound on Friday. No spotting and everything was great. My levels were PERFECT all along the way. There were NO signs that anything was going wrong. I was even called out by the secretary at work as being pregnant. And then the spotting at lunch, the clot at school, and bleeding for the rest of the afternoon. How did it go bad so quickly?
This was our LAST shot. I was so ready to be done with treatment and move on. We have NO MORE embryos and no more money or emotional strength to do another fresh cycle. After 10 years to finally get pregnant on our last try felt like a miracle. It changed my perspective.
Now what? How am I supposed to heal from this? How am I supposed to close this chapter of our lives after this? In all of our years of struggle and loss, we've never had pain like this. This is the worst that we have ever had to endure. Just when I though that it couldn't get any worse, it does. How can two good people really be dealt such a low blow once again?
Wondering what I am supposed to do now. How am I supposed to move on with my life now? I have to spend the weekend still on all of the meds and wait for the inevitable on Monday. Then what? Do I go back to work on Tuesday? Is the worst of the bleeding over now? How long is it going to take for this to resolve itself?
And most of all...
Why?!
Friday, October 8, 2010
Drop
My hcg has dropped to just over 2,000 from 3,400 on Monday. It appears I am miscarrying. I have to stay on all meds until Monday for a repeat test. The irony is that I have no bleeding at all right now.
We are devastated. Don't even know how to comprehend this.
Thank you for all of your well wishes. It just seems that once again, we have fallen on the wrong side of the statistics.
We are devastated. Don't even know how to comprehend this.
Thank you for all of your well wishes. It just seems that once again, we have fallen on the wrong side of the statistics.
Feeling a little better...
This morning the bleeding has almost stopped. There is just a tiny bit on the tp and it is a nice shade of BROWN. (who would have thought that colors could be so reassuring?!)
I am concerned due to the large clot yesterday afternoon and the fact I was cramping well into the evening. However, it seems that this is not all that uncommon and many women go on to have healthy babies. Please, please, please let that be the case with us! I really don't even want to think about the possibilities right now. But you know me- always trying to protect and prepare myself!
We are heading to the local clinic in a little bit to have some labs run. Hoping that we will get a nice jump in HCG today and that all of the levels will still look great. That will help me rest easier until we can get an u/s. I am hoping to move that up from our original plan for Friday if at all possible. I don't want to make it too early where we won't be able to see anything yet and then worry about it even more.
I am also planning to call a few Ob's this afternoon and hopefully get an appointment or two set up. Please don't let me be jinxing anything by making those calls!
So for now, things are better. Lab results this afternoon sometime. Until then, I will be one with the couch and my bed.
I am concerned due to the large clot yesterday afternoon and the fact I was cramping well into the evening. However, it seems that this is not all that uncommon and many women go on to have healthy babies. Please, please, please let that be the case with us! I really don't even want to think about the possibilities right now. But you know me- always trying to protect and prepare myself!
We are heading to the local clinic in a little bit to have some labs run. Hoping that we will get a nice jump in HCG today and that all of the levels will still look great. That will help me rest easier until we can get an u/s. I am hoping to move that up from our original plan for Friday if at all possible. I don't want to make it too early where we won't be able to see anything yet and then worry about it even more.
I am also planning to call a few Ob's this afternoon and hopefully get an appointment or two set up. Please don't let me be jinxing anything by making those calls!
So for now, things are better. Lab results this afternoon sometime. Until then, I will be one with the couch and my bed.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
bleeding
I am trying not to lose it, but I have some bright red bleeding. I called CCRM and they tell me it still can be ok. Still too early for an u/s since I am only 5w4d, but they will have me go check my levels tomorrow. Everything looked so good....
It's more than spotting and there was a clot, so I am fearing the worst. I am also cramping. I can't do anything but stay in bed for now. I am supposed to call the nurse back this afternoon to give her an update. My regular nurse is of course off today, but the nurse I talked to was very kind and caring.
I just don't even know what to think....
It's more than spotting and there was a clot, so I am fearing the worst. I am also cramping. I can't do anything but stay in bed for now. I am supposed to call the nurse back this afternoon to give her an update. My regular nurse is of course off today, but the nurse I talked to was very kind and caring.
I just don't even know what to think....
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Tired...
Wow, I am tired. I mean, really tired!
I fall asleep easily enough at night, but can't seem to stay asleep for very long at all. I am normally a 7 hour minimum type of girl under regular "circumstances" Now, I don't think there is enough sleep in the world! I sure hope that this gets better at some point. :) I do seem to have a chest cold that is hanging on with a vengeance that I am sure isn't helping either.
Thank goodness for a FOUR DAY WEEKEND! Tomorrow I have to teach three trainings for our district inservice. I was supposed to be co-teaching, but they needed to split the two of us up to allow for more sessions. I am "off" one of the sessions after lunch and none of the other classes seem to be of interest to me. I think I might just sneak off to my classroom for that hour and take a nap! :) Wonder if I can get away with that. I did come "out" to one of the tech specialists today, so she knows what is going on. She told me to go take a nap during that time!
I have several names of OBs that have come with high recommendations. I am going to make some calls on Friday and see if any of them feel "right" I still feel like I am jinxing things by even making these calls, but the reality is that I need to pick someone to have my files sent to.
Eight days until our first u/s. I really wish that I could just blink those days away!
I fall asleep easily enough at night, but can't seem to stay asleep for very long at all. I am normally a 7 hour minimum type of girl under regular "circumstances" Now, I don't think there is enough sleep in the world! I sure hope that this gets better at some point. :) I do seem to have a chest cold that is hanging on with a vengeance that I am sure isn't helping either.
Thank goodness for a FOUR DAY WEEKEND! Tomorrow I have to teach three trainings for our district inservice. I was supposed to be co-teaching, but they needed to split the two of us up to allow for more sessions. I am "off" one of the sessions after lunch and none of the other classes seem to be of interest to me. I think I might just sneak off to my classroom for that hour and take a nap! :) Wonder if I can get away with that. I did come "out" to one of the tech specialists today, so she knows what is going on. She told me to go take a nap during that time!
I have several names of OBs that have come with high recommendations. I am going to make some calls on Friday and see if any of them feel "right" I still feel like I am jinxing things by even making these calls, but the reality is that I need to pick someone to have my files sent to.
Eight days until our first u/s. I really wish that I could just blink those days away!
Monday, October 4, 2010
Hormone Check #1
My first hormone check was this morning. The nurse told me that I was an "overachiever" with my numbers.
Estrogen= 1,040 (needs to be over 300)
Progesterone= 72.1 (needs to be over 20)
Worried that these are too high... but they are keeping me at my current meds until at least next week.
I had them run an HCG as well. I just needed to know it was going up still.
HCG= 3,341
So, it looks like it is going up! But when I look at the doubling time, it is exactly 48 hours. Should that worry me? Trying not to obsess about it. But that is easier said than done!
Feeling tired and have had a few bouts of nausea, but I am grateful for each symptom. I will feel so much better once we have our u/s. That is scheduled for Friday Oct 15th. I pushed it back to Friday in hopes that we would have a better chance of seeing the heartbeat and also to do it on a Friday. I chose to take the entire day off from work. That way Chris and I will either have the day to celebrate, or to deal with whatever the u/s brings.
It's going to be a LONG week with work, even though we only have students through Wednesday. I have to teach three different tech sessions at Thursday's inservice. I was supposed to teach with someone else, but now they have me teaching by myself. I am a little worried about overdoing it. I am not "out" yet, so I can't really explain to anyone why I need to be off my feet. Oh well... I will figure it out!
Off to spend some quality time with my couch!
Estrogen= 1,040 (needs to be over 300)
Progesterone= 72.1 (needs to be over 20)
Worried that these are too high... but they are keeping me at my current meds until at least next week.
I had them run an HCG as well. I just needed to know it was going up still.
HCG= 3,341
So, it looks like it is going up! But when I look at the doubling time, it is exactly 48 hours. Should that worry me? Trying not to obsess about it. But that is easier said than done!
Feeling tired and have had a few bouts of nausea, but I am grateful for each symptom. I will feel so much better once we have our u/s. That is scheduled for Friday Oct 15th. I pushed it back to Friday in hopes that we would have a better chance of seeing the heartbeat and also to do it on a Friday. I chose to take the entire day off from work. That way Chris and I will either have the day to celebrate, or to deal with whatever the u/s brings.
It's going to be a LONG week with work, even though we only have students through Wednesday. I have to teach three different tech sessions at Thursday's inservice. I was supposed to teach with someone else, but now they have me teaching by myself. I am a little worried about overdoing it. I am not "out" yet, so I can't really explain to anyone why I need to be off my feet. Oh well... I will figure it out!
Off to spend some quality time with my couch!
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