Wavering

That cool, calm, collected girl that has been writing here... she seems to have run away! Last night I had a moment of sheer panic about the beta on Sunday. Haven't POAS, and not sure if I will. I think I might do it tomorrow morning just as I did last time. I had three times last night that I was sure AF had started, but it was just the damn endome.trium! I am on so much progesterone that I really don't think she could break through at this point.


I couldn't eat the dinner I made last night... made me want to gag. Chris said it tasted good, so it wasn't the food itself. Don't really know if that is a positive sign, or just that I have myself so worked up that I was too nervous to eat. Any symptoms that I feel now, I know could easily be due to the meds I am on. So I am *really* trying not to read too much into anything.

Please give me the strength to get through one more school day today keeping my cool! My students are really pretty good, just very needy at this point of the year still. Off to school I go!

Keeping Balance

I am still here- using all of my energy to keep my balance on the tightrope. We're more than halfway through our wait for the beta on Sunday. I just have to keep my balance a little longer. I am balancing a great deal of work at school this week, so that is helping keep me grounded.

I do find myself holding my breath when I remember what Sunday will bring. It will bring closure one way or another. It is a true fork in the road. It will mean getting off this tightrope and onto another one. It might be balancing a pregnancy after a decade of infertility. It might mean moving into the uncharted territory of adoption/foster care. Either way, the rope comes to an end on Sunday. Right now I feel a calm about that, but I can feel some anxiety starting to build.

I hope that all of the experiences of the last decade, especially the last year, will help me keep my balance through Sunday and beyond.

*Thank you to all who read and leave comments here. We've kept this FET private in our "real" lives so it means a great deal to have the support of each of you.*

Mountain Sunrise

There is just nothing like watching the sunrise over the mountains. Makes me wonder why I choose to live in the flattest part of the country. Each time we visit Colorado, we say we could move here. Maybe someday we will, who knows! Today we leave the beauty of Colorado and close this chapter of our lives for now. Hopefully we will make it back here someday for a true vacation with our children.

I am feeling cautiously optimistic today. I am trying to keep that positive thinking in check, though. I am trying to remember the pain of the last FET as a reminder that things sometimes don't work out. But then I think about the changes we made for this cycle and the positive aspects of it all. I want this to work more than anything. I also need to protect myself. It's as if I am walking a tightrope right now. If I lean too far to the positive, I might fall. If I lean to the negative, I will fall too. It's a delicate balance. Thank goodness I only have to keep my balance for a week.

To add to the crazy "signs" we've had here in Denver- Last night Chris and I went to PF Changs for dinner. (Love me some lettuce wraps!) We had a nice dinner and really talked about where we go from here. That's another post all together. We got the bill and our fortune cookies. Here's what mine said, " Welcome to the change that will soon be coming to your life" and Chris' said "Remember three months from this date! Your lucky star is shining." Who knows what that could mean... And let's be honest, fortune cookies can be interpreted to mean anything...

Maybe there is some symbolism to that mountain sunrise. The mountains are strong and powerful forces, but the sunshine always comes over them, blanketing them in the golden light. Is it finally time for us to see the light over the mountains?

Bedrest Day 2

I might be going crazy. Not really, but this bedrest stuff is making me a little nuts. At first lounging in bed for 48 hours sounds like heaven. But when you've already finished a book, watched movies, and surfed the net (all while raising your head no more than 45 degrees) it doesn't quite feel like heaven!

Hoping one of these little embryos are making themselves nice and comfy during this time. I am a little worried about my progesterone levels as they had me do my PIO at 7 am yesterday and then not again until our usual time at 9 tonight. I am also on the endometrium and have stayed on that regular dosing schedule. We've also added the oral estrogen. I have never had low estrogen, so that makes me wonder...

As Chris and I were having our communicables drawn again (Don't get me started on that) the tech reveals that we have over a $960 CREDIT on our account?! She couldn't apply the credit to his charge, but was able to apply it towards my blood work. Um, why didn't I know anything about this?! We still had to pay the entire fee for the FET yesterday before I knew about the credit. You better bet I will be calling the business office on Monday about this. The thing that bugs me is that if I *owed* them that amount, they would be all over collecting that from me. However, no one has called to say, "Hey we have an extra $960 that we owe you." The silver lining- the costs were LESS than what we anticipated. Chris had budgeted $700 EACH for communicables (It is really just over that for BOTH of us). So in the end we spent only $360 of the $1500 or so he had budgeted. (We still had to pay the entire $2500 to FLC as well as $1500 to CC.RM)

Typing on my side is proving to be challenging so I will end this post for now. Hoping that DH will let me get out of the hotel tomorrow afternoon for a short trip before we make our flight on Monday. Now the big decision is what we will have for dinner...

Transfer Complete

Just a short post... I have lots to say, but wanted to update.

Transfer went well. Embryologist said the embyros thawed perfectly and actually looked like fresh embryos! He said you couldn't tell that they had been frozen.

Had some drama with my blood pressure being very elevated. Two valium still didn't knock me out. Was really looking forward to enjoying the valium! :(

Progesterone levels were great, but estrogen was low. Chris is off at Target to pick up oral estrogen to add to the mix. It's never dull...

Hoping to get some sleep this afternoon. Will post more later.

Thanks for all the good wishes... I sure felt them!

Ramblings

It's early. Had to wake up DH to give me my PIO this morning at 7 am per the instructions from the nurse. He is now back in a wonderful slumber. I couldn't do it. Knowing that I will be "confined" to the bed for most of the weekend made me want to jump out as soon as I could! I am really not looking forward to the bed rest at all, but it is part of the deal and I will be a good girl. :)

I am trying to decide if the universe is mocking Chris & I. We got the the rental car place and it was very busy. I was thrilled that there were some nice comfy chairs for me to wait in while Chris stood in line waiting for his turn. There is the Great American Brew Festival going on here in Denver (Boy do I wish I could be doing that instead of being in bed for the next two days!) They were out of mid size cars it appears. One can only guess that most of the people in town for such an event wanted similar cars to the one we booked. Chris comes over from the counter and tells me that they have given us a Town & Country. Poor man didn't realize that this was a... MINI VAN. Yep, we are driving a mini van around Denver this weekend. It is a little funny when you stop back and think about us driving up to CC.RM in a mini van.

And then we get to the hotel, and we are given our room keys. Both keys are covered in pictures of Dora the Explorer & Sponge Bob promoting their kids stay free program. Really?!

So.... is the universe mocking us? If I believed in signs I might consider that these are good signs. But I stopped believing in all that a LONG time ago.

We had a nice dinner at Maggi.ano's last night. They have a great deal where you order a classic pasta for $12.95 and then get a second one of your choice to take home. It works out great for us- we now have lunch for today and probably tomorrow! We even had left overs from the dishes we ordered for dinner. Nothing like a little comfort food before a life changing event, huh?

While we were at dinner, the embryologist called and wanted us to verbally confirm that we wanted our embryos thawed. I thought about asking some questions about my embryos, and then decided not to. At this point, there is nothing I can do and I just have to let it go. What will be, will be...

I am starving, so I think I will attempt to rouse Chris so we can get some breakfast!

Leaving on a jet plane...

We'll be heading to the airport in about an hour. There is a nasty thunderstorm here now, but it should pass before we need to leave.

Bags are packed, house is relatively clean, and my nerves are a little bit of a mess.

Transfer is set for 12:45 TOMORROW.

Please keep us in your thoughts today. I need a special prayer for my poor DH as I can be a bit intense when I am anxious. Hoping he has plenty of patience for me today as we travel to Denver.

I couldn't believe when I looked at the weather forecast for Denver. It will be much warmer there than it is here in Chicago. Too bad I won't be enjoying much of it.

Thank you all for your amazing support in this process. I really don't know where I would be if it weren't for the "virtual" support group we all provide for each other. I am so grateful that I have all of you cheering for me! It's going to be a LONG two weeks from here, and I am going to need all the good thoughts I can get.