Grateful Monday

I saw this on another blog and thought it was a great idea.  Trying to be positive after a really long, hot day in a classroom without working air conditioning filled with adolescent smelly boys.  Ok, enough of that!

So here are the things I am most grateful for today:

1. My amazing husband who sent me an email that simply said "I love you" in the middle of my work day today.  Just what I needed.
2. Air conditioning that finally kicked in at school, in my car, and at home.  I am NOT a hot weather girl!
3. Romeo's big head that always seems to be looking out the window just as I pull into the driveway.  The amazing unconditional love he gives me as I walk into the door from work.
4. My sweet Patches who is also thrilled to see me each and every day just as she has for the past 14 years.
5. Having found the courage to start seeing a therapist and finding the *right* one.  She's been through IF personally and has helped me get through the past year of hell.
6. Friends who make going to work easier, even in the dog days of May/June when the kids are done!
7. My laptop and the connections it allows me to make with the greater global IF community
8. DVR- Being able to watch mindless guilt free TV at the end of a long day
9. My nurse at CC.RM- She always returns my calls and has time to answer all of my questions.  She has made the whole process of cycling/failing/trying again a little more bearable.
10. My thumb is almost completely healed after an incident with a mandolin slicer.  I can finally type normally again.

So what are you most grateful for today?

Skin Care Routine?

I have never been good with a skin care routine.  I know, I really should be.  It is just not something that my mom ever really did, so I didn't really have a role model in that area.  (She doesn't wear any make-up either, so I am pretty clueless there too)

I was out running my usual errands to get dog food and my hair products.  (I went curly girl 10 months ago, you can find out more about how I got obsessed by clicking here.) A new strip mall was built in the last few years that houses all of my must go places- PetsMart, Office Max, Bed Bath & Beyond, Old Navy, and Ulta.  This is one of my favorite Ulta stores as I think the associates are much more approachable and don't make me feel self conscious.  (Does anyone else ever feel that way?!)  I wanted to get some philosophy amazing grace perfume, and couldn't find the display.  Turns out, philosophy has a skin care line that Ulta is now carrying.  I was fortunate to end up talking to one of the "experts" on the line and ended up coming home with this:

(image from the official website- www.philosophy.com)

I have to face the fact that I am now 35, and need to start taking better care of my skin.  The kit was a definite splurge, but hoping I will be able to keep up with the routine and will see a difference in my skin.  I love the fact that the line is called "makeup optional" which definitely describes me! 

Has anyone used this line before?  Any thoughts?

I am trying to spend the next two months while I am on the nasty Dep.ot Lup.ron taking very good care of myself.  I am not a fan of lupron, and it doesn't really like me either.  So I am going to try to be VERY good to myself.  Hoping this is one step to making me enjoy just being me.  We shall see!

ICLW

Welcome to those who are finding my blog through icomleavwe!  This is my first time participating, and I am excited to be a part of this project.  I truly value the virtual community that blogging has given those of us walking the infertility journey.

I am a simple girl who married my high school sweetheart.  We adore children and dream of having a child of our own.  I have PCOS, which is our only official diagnosis.  We've done 4 IVFs and 2 FETs with our last cycle at CCRM.  We have stumped every RE who has ever treated us.  We are planning to do our final FET late this summer after I do two months of Dep.ot Lu.pron.  Our only other diagnosis has been "unlucky."  We seem to ALWAYS fall on the wrong side of the statistics. Please see the side bar that gives the abbreviated version of our infertility journey so far.

For those of you who are starting infertility treatment, please read my blog with caution.  I am NOT a best case scenario, and have been in the trenches for almost a decade.  While I started this blog as a way for me to process my own thoughts and be able to reflect on each step of our infertility treatment, I also hope that others can learn from my mistakes and experiences.  There are things I would do differently if I had them to do over, but I did what I thought was best at the time.

I am also an avid paper crafter and enjoy making cards and scrapbooking.  I am working on my photography skills and am trying to love running as much as my husband does.  I teach middle school and my husband is a swim coach.  We are blessed with many amazing friends.

Those are a few pieces of the puzzle.  :)

40%

40% That's the odds that Dr Sch gives us with our FET ending up with a positive pregnancy test.

Why?  He has no idea.  No clue why our FET didn't work in January.  We've managed to "stump" even one of the top doctors in the country.  Too bad there isn't a prize for "Stump the RE"  We'd be big winners for sure!

I asked lots of questions, and he honestly answered all of them. I am thankful for his brutal honesty.  That's why we chose to work with him.  I just wish he could give us a brutal answer other than "I don't know." When we decided to do this IVF at CC.RM, I wanted one of two things: 1) get pregnant or 2) finally have some answers as to why we keep failing.  Obviously I really was hoping for the first option, but the second would have been nice too.  We didn't get either.

So here is the gist:

• Has no idea why our FET failed, but *thinks* it must be some sort of uterine issue.  However, I have had EVERY test to rule out uterine problems, and I don't seem to have any known problems.  Blood flow, structure, lining, and everything else looks good.  Only known issue is the missing Beta-3 Integrin protein, which he feels was treated by the Letrozale.

• Which brings up the next point... he doesn't feel that there are any differences in Letrozale/Femara and Dep.ot Lu.pron treatment.  Told me that there are no studies that support one over the other.  Told me that he would suggest doing the Dep.ot Lu.pron this time just to change a variable.

• Also agrees that I should try the endo biopsy to "injure" the lining the month before my FET.  There are some studies out of Israel that are supporting this theory.  Dr Sch said it is a little bit "voodoo" but willing to give it a try.  Need to find a gynecologist locally to do that for me.

• Does NOT feel it is an egg and/or embryo quality issue.  He actually said he was "thrilled" with my quantity and quality of both eggs and embryos and feels I had the best cycle yet.  (I have to agree, but it was worth asking, right?)  We had the highest number of blasts we've ever had and ended up with 3 normals.  Thinks that is a best case outcome.  (Of course I think a BFP would have really sweetened the deal!)

• Does not feel that he would change the FET protocol at all.  Feels the protocol has little to do with success or not.  All of my bloodwork and u/s showed that I responded "perfectly" on the protocol that CCRM uses.  

• Does not feel that treating with low dose steroid would help, even with my family history of autoimmune issues.  Doesn't feel that immune issues are to blame, since I am having implantation failure, not miscarriages.  Did say that I could retest for antiphospholipid antibodies and see if that was an issue.  Would treat me with Lovenox then, not steroids.  Said that I could have been "normal" before and now have an abnormal result.  Will repeat that test with a lab here soon.

• If we chose to do another fresh cycle, he would not change my protocol at all.  He feels that we had the best cycle ever on the protocol.  

Bottom Line:  We should do the FET with adding Dep.ot Lupr.on for 2 months and the endo biopsy the month before the FET.  If the FET does not work, then he recommends another fresh cycle... and using a gestational surrogate.   Chris and I have both known that this was a possibility.  So for now, we will focus on the FET and wrap our minds around the idea that there is really only a 40% chance it will work.  If it fails, then we will start talking about using a surrogate.  Of course I want to start working on Plan B (or is it really like Plan Z by now?!) and will probably do some research.  We have a lot to think about.

Patches

My beloved Patches is more than 14 years old.  She is our first child, and has been a life saver for me over the past decade of infertility treatments and failures.  I fear our time with her is coming to an end soon.  She still has so much spunk, but her hips are starting to fail her.  I hope and pray that I will not have to make the call and that she will just slip away.  I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but for now she is still getting around and eating.  She has her moments when walking is hard or her hips just give out.  But I don't feel that she is in pain.    I pray that I will know when she is in pain and have the strength to make her comfortable.

So for now, I am going to cherish each moment we have.

Happy Birthday Chris!

Today is my beloved husband's birthday.  He's never been one to make a big deal out of birthdays, but I always try to make it at least a little special.  He went and ordered himself an iPad as a present, so I just bought him a few little things.

We've come a long way from the teenagers we once were.  We are now to the point where we have been together for more of our life than we haven't.  It hasn't been all a walk in the park, but I honestly love this man more today than ever.  He is the "lighter" side of me and always makes sure that we have FUN in our life, even when it is the LAST thing I want to do.  Happy Birthday Chris!

Random Sunday Musings

It is a sunny day here in Chicagoland. I am stuck inside working on school stuff... IEPs and grading projects.  Only 4 more Sundays before I am on summer break. There is just something stressful about Sunday afternoon/evening during the school year. 

Thank you to those who posted comments on my last post.  I am at a relatively good place, but needed to get those emtions/feelings out.  That's why I started this blog years ago.  I also think the virtual community that blogs create are one of the truly amazing wonders of the modern world.  There is something to knowing that you are not alone in the world and that others are right where you are.  When I started on this journey almost a decade ago, there were a few message boards and email groups that saved my sanity.  Most of those women have moved on now, but I am forever grateful for the support they gave me.  Now that I am in the "advanced" stages of infertility, it is nice to be able to once again connect with those who have walked in shoes similar to mine.

I am once again waiting for AF to show... she is a constant pain in the neck.  She shows when I don't want her and never shows up when expected.  My first cycle after our BFN was 49 days (which happened to be right smack in the middle of our trip to St Lucia...nice!) I am now on CD #46. I am planning to start my two months of de.pot lup.ron once she shows up.  Talked to my nurse at CC.RM and she told me to take progesterone for 7 days and then I should get AF within a week.  I was all set to do that, until I have some spotting now.  So for now I will hold off.  Of course, timing is of course not going to be ideal again, but what else is new?!  With my luck, she will show just in time for DH's birthday on Tuesday.  Our "top secret" plan is to do the two months of Dep.ot Lup.ron and then do the FET with our remaining normal embryo and her "no result" sibling.  I am still not 100% committed to it yet.  But that is another story all together.  I do know that we will not be sharing the detials with many people at all this time.  Lesson learned from the FET in January.

The projects are grading themselves, so I guess I am going to have to suck it up and get to work. :(