Enough

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. I think Chris and I are still really coming to terms that our FET didn't work. You would think that after a decade on this journey, we would be better equipped to deal with failure. Yet, it seems to get harder with each passing year. I've written this before, but this cycle just felt different. We were at one of the best clinics in the country with a great staff of nurses and a world renowned Reproductive Endocrinologist. Everything went according to plan and my body appeared to be doing exactly what it was supposed to do for once. I followed the strict guidelines that were prescribed. It simply wasn't enough.

It wasn't enough. I think that is where I am stuck. All of my insecurities, heartache, & fears can all be summed up in those three words. I wonder if it will ever be enough. We will ever be able to do enough? When will we know it is enough and we have to walk away from our dreams of being parents?

As a child and a young woman, I always believed that if you worked hard and followed the rules you would be rewarded. This is the root of the American Dream. Be a good person, work hard, and you will achieve all of your dreams. It is the very essence that I have lived my life on. I worked hard in school, earned a college scholarship, and graduated with honors and a double major. I met the man of my dreams while still in high school and had the almost* fairytale wedding. (* due to a family member's car accident, but that is another story all together) I have a "noble" career as a teacher and have given 110% into my classrooms. We've pulled out of financial issues to own our own home and live relatively debt free. (except for the medical bills, I'll get to that too...) We are surrounded by good friends who enrich our lives. We're aunt and uncle, godparent, and mentor to many amazing children. Why isn't all of this enough?

There are two parts to that question. First, why isn't our life enough as it is? Why can't we just be happy with our rich life and accept that we are not meant to be parents? I've spent a great deal of time pondering that question. The answer is far from simple. As of this moment, I just can't imagine not having children. I love my life, but it honestly feels empty without a child. I love my husband, and because of that love I want nothing more than to see him in the role of father. I love my job and Chris loves his job. Our careers are child-centered. While this is so very rewarding, it makes us yearn for our own child even more. We enjoy spending time with our friends and their children and yet it makes us want to be able to share those relationships with a child. So in the end, having all of these amazing things in our life makes us want to have children even more.

The other side... Why isn't all we've done in treatment enough? Why can't we be one of the "lucky" ones.  I have always been considered "young" even now at 35, I am on the young end of the spectrum with my current RE.  I have dealt with almost all of the issues that could explain our infertility.  We fall into the "unexplained" category now.  With this last cycle, we did EVERYTHING we were supposed to do.  We spent the money to go to the BEST clinic, and did the extra testing to assure that our embryos were normal.  I did extra bed rest.  I did all sorts of "positive thinking".  It wasn't enough.

There is a part of me that takes all of this personally.  Maybe I am not enough.  I am not enough of a woman.  I am not enough to be a parent.  So I am left wondering... what does it mean to be enough?

A touching video

This video was created in response to Resolve's National Infertility Awareness Week. It spoke to me, and I wish I was able to convey my thoughts as beautifully was this woman did.

What IF? A Portrait of Infertility from Keiko Zoll on Vimeo.

I had a nasty accident with a mandolin slicer, so I am unable to type out the long post I would like to. My thumb is on the mend, so be on the lookout for a long post soon.

Maybe I will just blog in photos...

I have lots of emotion and thoughts in my mind right now. We are still coming to terms with our failure this February. I am still surpisingly raw from the whole ordeal, and the upcoming Mother's Day isn't making it any easier. I don't really have words to express myself right now, so for now I will update with some photos that illustrate what I've been doing lately in order to ignore the fact that we are still in limbo in the whole infertility world.

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Here are some cards I made for a silent auction. One of the amazing women who subbed for me when I was in Colorado is good friends with a woman who is battling a rare form of cancer. I wanted to do something, so I made these cards for the silent auction. Rumor has it they went for $25. Every little bit helps I am sure. Here is a link to the site: Team Kelly I think they are planning more fundraisers in her honor.

I used Fancy Pants papers and My Mind's Eye cards as well as an assortment of brads and flowers. The box is actually a Godiva Chocolate box that I recovered. The cards went together so well that I have actually made a few more sets!

Chris and I also got the window boxes and planters planted this weekend. It's early for the midwest, but I figure we can bring them in if it looks like frost and they will be in full bloom sooner. It just makes the front of the house look so much nicer. Please excuse the "rustic" paint on the house...

Left Flower Pot- I am in LOVE with these daisies. I hope they keep blooming!

Hope that everything in this drapes down nicely!

Right side of the house Fresh mulch but nothing much in the beds yet. Might be doing some construction this summer, so don't plan on doing much in the beds. Might add a few more planters instead.

And one final photo... this is one of my good friends and coworkers and I. She has been such a source of strength for me over the past year. Photo was taken at our annual trip to Miller Park to see our Cubbies take on the Milwaukee Brewers.

Just a quick update

I promise a much longer post is coming.  But for now, I will share a few of my favorite photos from our AMAZING trip to St. Lucia.

Our first day in Paradise!

Waterfall at Botanical Gardens

Sunset Cruise... with lots of Rum Punch!

View of Marigot Bay after sunset

Our own private cabin... our little slice of HEAVEN on Earth

Frustration All Around

As I write this, my students are being subjected to the yearly state tests. They are taking the reading portion, which I can't read or modify in any way for them. They are required to take the 6th grade test, even though most of them read at the 3rd or 4th grade level. We take two tests a day, and yesterday we took so long that the kids had to eat their lunch in my room because we hadn't finished. These tests are all sorts of unfair... and the worst part is that this test determines so very much for my school. This single series of tests determines our school's status in terms of AYP for the No Child Left Behind Act. We are already on the "list" because not enough of our special education students were able to pass the test. The stakes just keep getting higher and the state keeps cutting the funds that we need to teach. It is a vicious cycle that is doing NOTHING to improve our education system. As a teacher, there is nothing I can do about it. That is the hardest part of all of this.

On top of all of this, my district is making drastic cuts in our staff for next year. Several of my colleagues have been cut to part time and several others have been cut completely. Many of these individuals had NO idea that they would be losing their positions in the fall. A few of them are even tenured at the START OF THE NEXT YEAR. I am so sad for our school. We were once a great place to work with lots of great people who worked here because they loved what they did and had pride in our school. I fear that this is the final straw and many of us will start working just to our contract and do nothing more. There is even talk that they will be cutting all of the extracurricular activities next year. What a sad state we are in. My assistant who has been with the district for SEVEN years, was just told that she will not have a position for the fall. No one can tell me what this means for my program. It will be VERY difficult for me to meet the needs of my students without an assistant. I don't know if I will have an assistant or not at this point. Only individuals have been told at this point, so nobody knows the big picture. All we have are the hallway conversation we all seem to have trying to figure things out. There is a great deal of stress and unrest in the building right now.

So I can't even really lose myself at work right now. I am still VERY raw about our negative last month. The tears are now farther inbetween. The last few days have been tough... lots of tears. I think I am getting over it, but then I realize I am far from being over it. We did decide to take a big splurge and spend Spring Break in St Lucia. We are both really looking forward to it. It will be nice to have a week away from the rest of the world. Hoping that we will have a week not thinking about it.

Need to get back to my class... it has taken me all day to write this post. :) The kids are now getting very antsy... and I can't blame them!

Short Vent..

Just a quick vent. I am a "fan" of my clinic on Facebook. All this week I have received updates from the fan page that my RE has a book coming out... that is supposed to answer any questions you have about trying to get pregnant. If the man can write a book on the topic, then why the heck doesn't he have any answers for us? It just makes me sad. :(

Vent over.

One day at a time...

That is really all I can do at this point. We're dealing with it. I wish I hadn't figured out "dates" if we had gotten our positive. I had a mini meltdown today when I realized that our first ultrasound would have been this Friday. Its the little things like this that seem to set me off the most.

Chris had a great weekend at the High School Sectional meet. He had one relay and several boys qualify for the state meet this coming Friday. He had a few sectional champions, too! The team ended up in 3rd place, which is one of the best they have ever done. I am so very proud of him and this accomplishment. Chris needed this... he needed to feel some success.

We are no closer to making a plan as to what to do next. I know what I want to do, but it isn't possible right now. Instead, we are focusing on trying to plan a great relaxing romantic vacation for spring break. I think we have decided on the US Virgin Islands. We are waiting for Chris' coaching check to book things. It will be last minute, but we are hoping to get some great deals that way. While I feel a little guilty making this splurge, I know that we both NEED this. We are both hurting and need to take some time to reconnect and simply relax.

Next week are the dreaded state tests for my students. They are not ready, but I don't know if they would ever be ready. I HATE giving these tests and they are simply NOT FAIR for my kids. I won't go into a rant about it again. I am not feeling very successful as a teacher, which is compounded by our failed IVF. I am just not feeling very successful in life right now. I let things slide in my professional life while I focused on our IVF. I don't regret that decision, but now I have to deal with the consequences of that choice. I am an overachiever, so it is hard to look at see that you haven't done all that you could have done. Trying not to look back, but move forward. That's hard since I don't know what our future holds.