My Valentine...

15 years ago, this man asked me to be his wife. I can't even begin to express how much we've changed since then. It wasn't a perfect day and I made things difficult for him, all the way to the proposal. But he still asked, and I said yes.

We had a similar day this year. The reality is that I am still in a not so great place and not completely in control of my emotions. Last year Chris went all out and planned a full day of spoiling me. He told me that he thought I was going to be pregnant so he didn't want to plan much. So that left us with no plans on Valentine's Day.

Chris called an booked massages for us at a place we'd never been. We got up and had breakfast and stopped at World Market to stock up on wine. We got to the massage place, and I had a bad feeling. It was inside a Gold's Gym and the vibe was just off. And then they handed me a form to fill out about my health conditions and there it was in black and white... "Are you pregnant?" It's little things like a simple form that just make my heart stop. I got over it... or so I thought. Then when they came out with a masseuse that was male, I lost it. No WAY was I going to get a massage from some guy. I had a minor meltdown and ended up in tears. We got a refund and got out of there. I am sad that Chris missed out on his massage, but I knew I needed to get out of there. (I am hoping to schedule one for him at a NICER place later this week to make up for it)

We ended up going to see Lighting Thief. We were both disappointed with the movie because it strayed so far from the book. The movie iteself was good, but it was just hard to follow since the plot was so different than the book. I am looking forward to talking with some of the kids at school to see what their take is on it.

Came home and had another melt down but we ended up the night on a great note. There is a great restraunt here in Antioch that had a special Valentine's Dinner event. We went and had a great time with some great food. It was nice to just enjoy the moments and we only talked about the IVF once. All of the food was amazing and we even shared a bottle of wine. I was feeling pretty good by the time we got home. :) I was glad that I had the day off from work today since I had a little headache this morning for sure.

The next month is crazy busy for Chris and he had tons of work to do this morning. I made breakfast and even made chili for lunch. He had early practice for the high school, so he had to leave by 12:15. I am used to being home alone, but I am having a hard time with it right now. I miss him dearly and wish he could be home with me now. It seems that early mornings and evenings are the hardest for me. I am not ready to be out in the "real world" just yet, so for now I have to deal with being alone at night.

I am hoping that things will start to get better soon. I am still having moments of shear panic when I realize that our FET really did fail. I don't have any idea what the future holds for us at all. So for now I am just taking things one day at a time. But I am so very thankful that I have my valentine to take the journey with me!

Project Life (yes, a non infertility post!)

Thought I would share my project life album that I have been working on. I thought this would be a great year to do this, since I thought I was going to be pregnant for most of it. But we all know how that turned out, so I am not going to go there.

The goal is to take a photo a day and journal about it. The album is a kit from Becky Higgins. You can find it at Amazon now. There are divided page protectors so all you have to do is slip the photos and cards in.

I am actually all caught up except for the journalling for last Sunday. Still not sure what I want to write that could sum things up.

So here it is:

Questioning my Identity

For the past six years, I have defined myself as an infertile woman. While I have many roles in my life, the infertile was first and foremost in my perception of myself. I created a barrier that protected the infertile from life and all of the things that can shake the world of said infertile. Baby stores, showers, facebook posts were all avoided. I created a hard shell that didn't fantasize about being pregnant or look up due date calculators. I didn't wander the baby aisle at Target or read reviews about baby products. I kept myself safe... most of the time. I was bitter about being infertile, but I accepted it as the fate I was given. I was getting stronger and able to share in the pregnancy and baby of one close friend.

And then I cracked the shell. I decided to do a final treatment cycle in the hopes of getting some answers and being able to fully move on. With each step of the process, I got more hopeful. It scared the crap out of me to be hopeful, but I did it. We were at the best clinic in the country. We were seeing one of the best REs in the country. I passed every test along the way and everything pointed to us ending up pregnant this time. EVERYONE thought this would work. The experts, our friends, and us.

For the first time in six years, I actually believed that I was going to be pregnant. I made plans. We talked about names and I browsed nursery themes for hours. I calculated my due date and considered when I would have to go on maternity leave. I researched my teaching contract to see what I needed to do in order to maximize leave. I imagined what my babies would look like and what their personalities might hold.

I created a path that I was sure my life was going to take. I had plans. We had plans. I had expectations of what I would be doing this weekend, next weekend, and beyond. And now I feel lost.

I am an intelligent woman. I should be able to pick up the pieces and move on. I mean, really, it is not as if this failure is a new thing. I've been there before. Somehow this time was different. I feel so very stupid that I actually thought this was going to work. I let down my guard and now I am questioning everything.

I don't want to go back to the bitter infertile woman, but she felt safe. Right now I feel raw. I feel like I am made of glass and might just shatter at any moment. I don't really want to be this fragile sad woman either. What do I really want to be? I want to be a mom more than I want anything else in this world. I want to be identified as a mom. The reality is that I can't have that identity.

So I guess for now, I am going to be the sad fragile woman until I can build another protective shell. I don't think I'll ever be able to create a complete seal. I've had a taste of hope and the "other side." I am taking things one day at a time and hope that I can come out of this stronger.

Angry Quick Post

Just a quick angry post...

Home from a 12+ hour workday due to parent teacher conferences. NOT A SINGLE PARENT showed tonight. I sat in my classroom or chatted with coworkers. Really? That is what I needed to do tonight. It was open walk in, but not a single parent of ANY student of mine felt the need to come in. Nice. I have one scheduled tomorrow. We'll see if they show. Another 4 hours at school tomorrow.

I have reached the angry phase in a big way. I probably really shouldn't have been at work today, but I needed to be there. My students have learned helplessnes and really seem to not be able to do a single thing on their own right now. Oh the joys of middle school in February.

Oh, and just to add insult to injury, my period started yesterday with a vengeance. Just another treat that failing an IVF brings. The gift that keeps on giving...

Back to the "real" world

I made it through my first day of work without any major meltdowns. There were occasional tears, but never around the kids so I feel like it was a pretty good day. I am so lucky to work with some amazing and supportive people who made sure I knew I was missed. I enjoyed some Portillo's chocolate cake thanks to two of my coworkers.

Now that I am not pregnant and don't have any restrictions, I was able to play with Romeo after school today. He simply LOVES his frisbee. He was cracking me up as I threw the frisbee and he chased it through the snow... all 14 inches of it! He runs with reckless abandon after that red frisbee and gallops back with a sheer joy I don't think I will ever understand. If only my life could be as simple. :)

Struggling with what to do next. Chris and I are far apart on this. I hope that time will give us a chance to make a decision we can both live with. The only way I am still getting up each morning is the hope that it isn't over yet... that there is still hope that I can get pregnant. A little crazy part of me would really like to do another fresh cycle to gather some more embryos before I get too old. That goes against what we agreed to when we started this cycle. And then there is the cost...

I just don't know what my life is supposed to look like right now. For the past 6 months, I have lived with the assumption that we would get pregnant and that was what our life would look like right now. I have 110% to our IVF and let other things in my life slide. I am not feeling very successful in any part of my life right now, since I let everything else slide while we were in treatment. So for now I am taking baby steps. One day at a time is all I can manage.

I am hoping that each day brings less tears and we can start to heal.

Hibernating

So I didn't go to work again today. We are getting another blizzard, so that sealed my plan to stay home. The reality is that I don't want to have to face anyone yet. I am going to have to return to work tomorrow. I am feeling strong until I think about that.

I haven't had to say IT out loud. By it, I mean the fact our cycle has failed. I only said IT once, and that was to Chris when I had to call him after our nurse called. I have avoided phone calls from friends. I have only cried twice today, but when I think about having to talk to someone about it, I feel the tears start. Now I have told people that it failed... all of the people close to us know. I had the safety of text and email to do that. I could hide behind the writing, and I didn't have to say it outloud. I don't know if it just the notion of saying it somehow makes it more real. It might just be the fact that I am scared.

I've done some research today and really haven't come up with much. We simply are in the Bermuda triangle of IVF failure. I have really had pretty much every test that is suggested. We could consult with a reproductive immunologist, but many of the basic tests they do we've already had. And all of those results were normal. I am wondering about v.iagra and adding a steroid for the entire cycle, not just a few days. All things I need to look into.

I suppose I feel better now that we've talked to Dr Sch and I have a little bit of a plan of what to do next. And then I think about having to return to the world tomorrow, and I don't feel so strong. So for now, I am going to enjoy hibernation for just a little bit longer.

No reason AGAIN

Just got off the phone with the RE. He actually said he has NO IDEA why it didn't work. The top freaking Dr in the country and he has no idea why we can't get pregnant. I think that is what makes me the maddest off all. There is NO REASON why this failed. I have been saying for years if I could just get a clear cut reason as to why this doesn't work I could walk away. I could accept defeat.

He was very kind, and I honestly felt like he was disappointed in our results. I didn't feel rushed while talking with him and he answered all of my questions. I really felt that he honestly had no idea why it didn't work for us. When I asked, he said that I could do the depot lupron before we consider another FET. I also asked about doing a biopsy the month before the transfer, and he also said that he would consider that. The theory is that the injury to the lining is then repaired the next month and extra growth protein is emitted into the uterine lining the next month. There is a study that was done in Israel on this.

I flat out asked if he thought it was an egg issue... and he said no. He didn't even mention an egg donor at this point. He reminded me that I had the best cycle ever and ended up with 7 blasts in the end. The only change he would make if I did another fresh cycle would be to decrease my dosage sooner so that I didn't have to coast as long. I didn't ask about a surrogate... guess I don't even want to go there yet. I did ask about a structural issue, and he assured me that when he looked at my uterus, everything is NORMAL.

So here we are. $20,000 lighter and no closer to having a baby.