So I have been a bad blogger... one of my goals for the summer is to blog every day. We'll see! Romeo doesn't like to let me sit at the computer for any length of time, he thinks I should be playing with him... (he is barking at me right now as I type this!)

The school year is over... finally. It was a tough one, and I am glad to see it end. I am teaching summer school and that is really fun... to bad the rest of the year can't be this simple! I do get a "preview" of what is to come with my incoming 6th graders. Sometimes ignorance is bliss...

Chris is in full swing of swim practice now. He is really working hard with some of the swimmers. He really puts his heart and soul into these kids and sometimes gets very little back in return. It just breaks my heart. I so wish we had our own child that he could focus on...

And then we come to the "elephant" in the room. We've been on a break from treatment for what seems like forever. I am ready to move on... and Chris says he is, but neither of us has done anything. I am supposed to go have the e-tegrity test redone using a mock FET protocol, and then go from there. That is a $400 test not covered by insurance. Honestly, I am tired of spending money on this crap. But I also REALLY want to be a mom... so how do I balance the two? We have one more IVF covered with insurance. The original plan was to redo the test, and if it shows that I DO have the protein, then we will go ahead with the final IVF. If it shows that I am still missing the protein, it is decision time. One of our options would be to do the IVF to harvest my eggs, and then use a surrogate to transfer them... so someone else would carry my baby for me. I haven't done all the research yet, but I know that if we co with this route, she will have to be someone we know who has already had their own children. Anyone want to offer? JUST KIDDING... really I am!

I have also recently had this feeling that we are meant to become foster parents. I keep seeing signs that this is the path we are supposed to take. Chris is a little more hesitant and I know where he is coming from. He isn't sure he could handle having children taken after we have cared for them. I know that I will have a hard time, but I also feel that my life is missing something right now... that I have all of this to share and give to a child, and I can't. We both spend our days with other people's children....some who really don't care. That breaks my heart. I wish they knew just how much of a GIFT having a child is....

Ok... enough rambling for today! :)

Taking the Long Way

I fell in love with the Dixie Chicks a few years ago. I have never been much of a country fan, but they just spoke to me. I love several of the songs on the older CD's and listen to them over and over. I read an article about one of the girl's battles with infertility. I had even more respect for them after reading the article. I can say that I share the common bond of having to find a spot to "shoot up" with infertility meds with her, KWIM?

I am even more of a fan BECAUSE of the controversy that was created after a comment made. It doesn't hurt that I share their political beliefs. :) However, I admire them for not backing down from what they believed in, even when they were threatened and attacked for expressing an opinion and utilizing the freedom of speech we are granted by the constitution. They didn't back down when it became apparent that the comments would make them unpopular and affect CD sales.

I was raised to be a strong woman. My mom raised me to have strong values and to respect the rights of others. Many of our ancestors were not given the opportunities that women have today. I am proud to vote... That is my RESPONSIBILITY as a woman and a citizen. The irony is that my political beliefs are very different than those of my family... And they are ok with that! :)

Aside from the political aspect of the Dixie Chicks, I think this CD might just be my favorite one yet. :)

Off my soap box...

Role Reversal

So mom is now the proud owner of two new knees....

It is really strange to be the caregiver for a parent. It is one of those times where I really don't want to be the "adult" KWIM? I love her very much and it is so hard to see her in pain and uncomfortable. I have had to advocate for her and her care with doctors and nurses over the past few days. I have spent hours at the hospital. I have had to calm my dad's frustrations with the medical staff. I have had to calm my grandmother and assure her that everything was going to be alright. I have had to worry about my mom.... worry if she is ok, worry if she is comfortable, worry if she is eating, etc.... It is just hard.

I am taking today off... at least from going to the hospital. It's Chris' birthday so I am hoping we can have a nice dinner just the two of us. We'll see. I did have 33 balloons delivered to him at work. I haven't heard if they made it to him yet... Things are tight right now, so I can't do much as far as presents go. So I had to make an impact somehow! :)

Mother's Day Poem

I belong to several email groups for women who have battled infertily or who have suffered a miscarriage or other pregnancy loss. Most days I just skim through the messages. For some reason, I felt the need to read the posts today and came across this poem in one of the lists. My faith has been tested over the past few years, but this poem really struck a chord with me.


God what makes mother?

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard Him say.

"A Mother has a baby"
This we know is true
"But God can you be a Mother,
When your baby's not with you?"

"Yes, you can," He replied
With confidence in His voice
"I give many women babies,
When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay."

"I just don't understand this God
I want my baby to be here."
He took a deep breath and cleared His throat,
And then I saw the tear.

"I wish I could show you,
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child's smile,
With all the other children and hear it say...
'We go to Earth to learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much,
But I visit her every day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow's where I lay

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
Mommy don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I'm here.'

"So you see my dear sweet ones,
your children are okay.
Your babies are born here in My home,
And this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with Me,
Until your lesson's through.
And on the day that you come home
they'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother,
It's the feeling in your heart
it's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start
Though some on earth may not realize,
you are a Mother.
Until their time is done. They'll be up here with Me one day
and know that you are the best one!"

Mother's Day Eve

Each year I sit and ponder this holiday. It used to be one of my favorites growing up. It was usually the first time we could be outside and sometimes we even cooked outside. The tradition was that anyone who wasn't a mother did all of the cooking and cleaning. Seems like a pretty good idea....

That is until you have been denied the title of motherhood for almost six years. I am blessed to have a good relationship with my mother and grandmother as well as my aunt. I would like to honor them on this special day. It also happens to be the day that we celebrate my cousin's birthday. But I can't do it... I just can't.

A few years ago my sister reminded me that I am not a mother. Now I don't think she really meant to be vindictive, but the comment she made has stayed with me ever since. As we finished eating this mother's day, she said something along the lines of, "You are not a mother, so you should be helping clean up." An innocent comment... but one that felt like a knife into my heart. You see, I would give almost anything in this world to be a mother. It wasn't that I wanted to get out of doing the dishes...it was the fact that just the fact that I had to be reminded that I do not bear the title of "mother" that stung.

As each Mother's day approaches, I dread the countless commercials about what a gift motherhood is. Each commercial seems to mock those of us who yearn so desperately to earn the title of "mom." There are days when I refuse to watch live television, relying on my TiVo to protect me from the commercials. I listen to my IPOD in the car so I won't have to listen to cheesy commercials about how to honor your mother.

Now some may think I am being selfish by not honoring my mother and grandmother on Mother's day. Maybe I am. But when you have dealt with the heartache of infertility for as long as we have, you learn when you have to be selfish... or more accurately practice self-preservation. You learn what you can and can't handle. Mother's day is just one of those things... I can't handle it. I know that my mother and grandmother wish that I would come and celebrate them tomorrow, but I hope that they understand that doing so would cause me pain that I just can't bear. I will be sure to make a point to spend time with them over the next week and share with them just how much I love them. Just not on Mother's Day.

It has been more than 6 months since we have spoken to our doctors. Chris was ready for a break, and I guess I was too. I am starting to really feel the pang once again. I suppose I am starting to come to terms that I may never be a biological mom, but I will be a mom in some shape or form. I hope that I will one day be able to celebrate mother's day again.

Please be kind to those around you without children... you may not know the whole story and they may be hurting inside as we celebrate the mothers in the world.

I made this!!!!

It is no secret that I am challenged when it comes to the kitchen. Some friends consider me quite the creative genius in other areas of my life, but I am pretty hopeless when it comes to the kitchen. Thank goodness my loving husband is not picky when it comes to eating!

I really wanted to do something special for Becky's birthday, so I decided on this fruit pizza for the class. Our students LOVE fresh fruit and usually can't get enough. So I decided to do this instead of a cake. It was painful to say the least. It was a challenge, and the cookie crust was not quite done... but in the end it got rave reviews. I don't think I will be making another one anytime soon! LOL!

Chris is the BEST!!!!

Becky got a new pink Razr cell a few weeks ago. I was just a little jealous. My cell phone is almost 2 years old and I was just tired of it. DH has always said that he thought Razrs were a waste of money. Of course, I had to disagree and have been dropping hints for the past week or so. Since we have Verizon, we can get the light pink one that no other carrier has. Of course, this is also the pink that Becky really wanted but couldn't get! :)

So Chris agree to let me go look and to see if we were eligible for an upgrade on our phones. Turns out that HIS phone was eligable, but mine was not. Being the ROCK STAR husband that he is, he agreed to let me have the new phone. Thanks to the AWESOME rep at the Verizon counter, Chris was able to keep his phone and I got my new pink Razr....



Of course, Chris is now taking every opportunity to remind me that I am now in his debt. Everytime he wants something, he just says, "Pink Razr" :)

I am spoiled... and I love my husband!