Gloomy Saturday

We got through the party last night. It was hot and humid, but Chris had a great time. There were these nasty biting flies, though! Even the deep woods OFF wouldn't keep them away. It was really bittersweet. I was a little annoyed with all of the "Congratulations on getting him closer to home." It wasn't as if I had been lobbying to get him to leave the place. This was HIS decision, and he knew that I supported him 100% no matter what he decided. Am I happy that he will be 10 minutes from home instead of an hour and half? Sure. But it wasn't as if this was my victory. Another favorite comment from the night... Maybe now that he is leaving this Y, you will be able to get pregnant. Yeah, that's right. Goodness... I am so tired of stupid comments like that.

Anyway, there were lots of tears... Both from Chris and myself as well as the kids and parents. It is hard to leave such a great team... He built it from 40 swimmers to almost 200 this last winter season. District Champions, Placing at the State Meet, and even having a national finalist. I am sure he will be able to do great things at the new Y as well. Especially considering he started this team almost 10 years ago. Sometimes it's just nice to come home.

Chris' cell rang a little after 8 this morning. It was the "new" Y calling. The head lifeguard up and quit last night, so they have NOBODY to guard this morning. The executive director himself was guarding. Now, they haven't given Chris a firm start date at the new Y... He is still in Limbo. However, we both felt it was best for him to go in this morning. I dropped him off at the Y on my way to get a birthday present. He is itching to get into the new position anyway, and he can push the issue now that the head lifeguard quit. Now I am waiting for his call to go get him. We only brought one car home from the city last night, so that means that one of us has to be stranded somewhere.

We have a birthday party for Chris' best friend's son. I really don't want to go... It just really is painful. The little guy is turning 3. They weren't even THINKING about having a kid back when we started all of this infertility crap. Now they are expecting a second child next month. Strange world we live in. So the combination of kids running around and pregnant women is just more than I really want to deal with. I think that's why I pushed Chris to go into the Y... This way we will only have to stay for a short time. I hope...

The RE's office called to give me results from my Natural Killer Cells test. Sounds like a great test, doesn't it? It is on the "fringe" of accepted practice and insurance doesn't cover the test. The first test I had drawn was a few months back. It has to be shipped to the East coast somewhere and the stupid courier managed to freeze my blood... so it was no good once they got it. Gotta love that... So I had it redrawn on Monday when I was in. It was supposed to take at least a week... maybe more. There was a message on the machine Thursday night saying that the test came back "NORMAL" and to call if I had any questions. I hate when they do that. I want to know exact results... none of this normal crap. Now I have to wait until Monday and call to see what exactly normal means. I really am getting tired of having the tests all come back normal. THERE IS NO REASON WE CAN'T GET PREGNANT!!!!! Of course, there has to be SOMETHING! Now even the "fringe" tests are coming back normal. What in the world is going on. If something were to just come back not normal, we would have an answer and we could move on. Even if it means that it is time to give up. But yet we never get that answer. So we wait.

Now that Chris is off at the Y this morning, I really should get some scrapping done. School starts a week from Monday and all my time will be gone. If I could just keep myself off of this computer, I would be fine! :-)

Here is a layout I did last week. The picture is from a friend's wedding. Just a simple LO... but I really like the way it turned out.

Romeo is tearing something up... guess I better go take care of the beast. Who knew that a puppy could be so destructive???? LOL.

Joining the Blogging World

I am finally joining the blogging world. I kept an infertility journal on AOL for some time. I am not going to repeat all of that... So here is a link if you are interested...

http://journals.aol.com/pbertana/JourneytoParenthood

School starts in just over a week. I haven't even started putting my room together. That is next week's plan. I am sure I will be kicking myself but I still have a few other things to do this week. I am sad to see the end of summer... not really because I don't want to go back to work. It's all of the elusive things that I was going to do this summer. It's the reality that NOTHING got done this summer that I wanted to get done. Oh well... there is always next summer.

I've been working much of the summer at the LSS (Local Scrapbook Store). It has been a fun job and has kept me busy. I also had the opportunity to attend CHA, which is the summer trade show where all of the newest and greatest are released. That was quite an experience. I am teaching classes as well. I have enjoyed everything I have done. But I have realized that I have not been able to scrap for myself... something I NEED to do. So come fall, I am cutting back to ONE class per week. That way I can work on my own personal scrapbooking. At the beginning of the year, I set two goals for myself. 1) Get published in a scrapbooking magazine. 2) Get on a design team. Haven't accomplished either. I also challenged myself to enter some of the large contests. The year is more than half over... and I haven't done either. I have put some effort into it, but I could put much more. Now with school starting, time will be a premium. Maybe that is the push that I need.

Here is a recent Layout that I did... this is the new yummy paper by MME... Kaleidoscope

That is my sweet nephew Spencer. He is such a little cutie! He is such a happy little guy!

As for our infertility... I am just so ready for this journey to be over. However, I can't imagine stopping treatment until I know that we have exhausted all of our options. The new RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) is at least being proactive and trying to figure out what is going on. So far... we have no answers. Everything has come back "Normal." We have a few more things to complete... including a biopsy for me. We tried to sneak it in last month, but with our trip to the YMCA Swimming and Diving Championships, we were not able to schedule it. I took the darn clomid for nothing... but now I have a nice giant cyst on my right ovary. So that means another month on the "bench" so to speak. I have to take BCP (Birth Control Pills) to get the cyst to shrink. Next month we will try again to get the biopsy done. We have one more IVF covered with our insurance. Was hoping to get that in by the end of the year... but we will see.

My DH, Chris, is chaning jobs very soon. This means a HUGE change for us. You see, he is a swim coach and most of our time is devoted to his swimmers. He will be leaving a team he has been with for the past 7 years. We've seen these kiddos grow up. It really is hard to leave... but he will now be closer to home. The team he is returning to is one that he started when we first got married. Today is the farewell party from his Current team. It will be a tough afternoon for sure.

I should try to get something done today... Only one more Friday until school starts! Yikes!

Life just isn't fair

Romeo is growing like a weed.  As I write this, he is tearing around the house.  He is into EVERYTHING and keeps me VERY busy! 

I have been avoiding my infertility for some time now.  It just hurts so very much.  WE made the decision to remain with our current RE for our final attempt at IVF.  They know me there, and care for me.  In the end, that was the most important factor for me.  So we will try this one more time in June.  In the meantime, we may do a few more tests to see if we can get any answers but I am not holding out hope. 

It took FOREVER to get a period after the chemical pregnancy in December.  It took 10 days of prometrium and then 8 days later it finally started.  I have never had to wait for it to start after the prometrium.  Makes me wonder just what is going on in my body.  I had strange pain in my right ovary a few weeks ago.  Wondering if there is a cyst...  I guess I will find out today as I am heading to the RE for baseline u/s and bloodwork

Other great news... our good friends are pregnant again.  I am happy for them, really I am.  It just makes me so very sad.  One month off the pill and WHAM she's pregnant.  It's just not fair.  They were very sweet in telling us.  I hate the fact that people feel bad telling us their good news.  It's not their fault that we can't get pregnant...

 

More Non-news

It has been some time since I wrote here.  I think that we are still just letting the nightmare of December settle in.  We had the holidays and had to get through them with a happy face.  I can't imagine how I would be dealing with all of this if I didn't have this amazing husband at my side.  He is my rock... and if nothing else comes out of this battle, we have grown very close.

We met with the RE today for a follow up.  She is calling our positive/negative in December a chemical pregnancy.  That's fine... no matter what it is called, it still is another loss we have had to deal with. 

Once again, she told us that they really thought this would work for us and don't have a clue as to why it didn't work.  Everything was perfect again... except for the end result.  She wants us to try again.  She really feels that we will get pg.  I just wish I knew why this didnt work again and again.  She agreed to change the protocol a little in hopes of getting more eggs.  We'll see. 

We are thinking of getting some other consults.  Who knows.  I think we are going to put it all on the back burner for now.  I just don't want to deal with being infertile anymore...

No miracle here

Well a miracle was not meant to be... Beta dropped to 1.8 from 14.  Sounds like an early miscarriage or a chemical pregnancy.  Either way it sucks.  I am so freaking angry right now.  When are we ever going to catch a break???????

Neverending saga

Once again it has been some time since I updated this journal.  I suppose a big part of me has been in denial.  We decided to do our final treatment cycle of 2004.  We had two embryos on ice, and decided to attempt an FET.  The protocol is so much easier, and my RE feels that I may be one of the women who does better with an FET than a fresh cycle.  The trauma of the last ER was more than my body could handle in her opinion.

So both of our embryos made it through the thaw and looked great.  We transfered both of them on December 10th.  Our Dr even crossed her fingers and told us this is going to work.  As I was laying there after the procedure, I told DH that if this doesn't work that it just might not be meant to be.  He disagreed.  He has been amazing once again through all of this.  I couldn't be luckier to have an amazing man in my life.

My pregnancy test was scheduled was Sunday Dec 19th.  I was never put into the computer, so the test was not actually run until Monday.  I was prepared for another negative... and of course a positive too.   What I wasn't prepared for was what the nurse told us.

The test was positive... but very low.  My beta came back at 14.  From all of the charts I have looked at online, it really should have been well over 100.  So we didn't get good news, but we don't have bad news either.  I have stayed on the meds and will return this morning for another test.  Today's test will be a big sign to see if this truly is a viable pregnancy or if we will lose another little angel.

I am losing hope quickly. I have taken three HPTs and they have all come back negative.  This all just makes no sense.  Why can't anything ever be easy for us???

Back in the saddle... and not liking it

Its been some time since I last posted.  Its been a challenging few months.  Life just didn't seem very fair... and I had a hard time dealing with it.

I agreed to start taking happy pills... but for the first month I felt absolutley terrible.  They made me drowsy and all I wanted to do was sleep.  Didn't do much for my mood or marriage.  I am feeling better now for the most part.  I really resent the fact that I have to take the stupid things, but I do think they are helping somewhat.

We did decide to go ahead with the frozen transfer the end of the this year.  We've met our out of pocket maximum, so we will have 100% coverage for this transfer.  Of course the clinic isn't being as cooperative as we'd like and still wants us to pay our 30% copay and then they will refund us... as if we have that extra cash just laying around... Oh well, it's never dull with us!

The transfer is scheduled for December 10th.  I've had the baseline appt and have started the wonderful meds.  Lupron to supress everything and give me wonderful headaches and estrogen to build the lining and induce mood swings.  I go back for a lining check on December 3rd.  Then we'll see where we go... I am so afraid that the embryos will not survive the thaw, and all of this will be for nothing.  Guess that is just the realist in me.  (Chris calls it the pessimist!)

On a bright note, we did have an addition to our family...

Romeo came into our life on October 14th.  He is a pure bred yellow labrador retriever.  He was only 5 1/2 weeks when we brought hime home, and has been a fun addition to our life.  He has changed our lifestyly for sure... everything is a chew toy to him!  He has been a great distraction for me over the past few months.

My sister had the baby on Monday, and it was harder than I even imagined it would be.  Life just isn't fair.  My good friends also had their twins on Friday.  I couldn't be happier for them, but also so sad for myself. 

So that is where I am at... resigned to doing this transfer, but still have a tiny bit of hope that this might just work.  I really don't know how we will deal with yet another failure.  I don't know if either of us is strong enough for that.