First appt today

We had our first monitoring appt this morning.  Bloodwork only, so I really don't know where we are at yet.  The message only gave med info for tonight, so I will have to see what my e2 level was.  I need to see the numbers for some reason... I think it is my way of having some control over the entire situation.

My cold is still rotten... starting to wonder if it has to do with the lupron.  I hate that stuff!  I hope to never have to take it again.  I hope that I never have to do any of this again... I really want this to be THE one.  I am not sure that either of us can do this again.

I am hoping to spend some time with my niece on Thursday.  My mom is acting as a mediator between my sister and I.  If it weren't for my niece, I wouldn't really have any contact with my family at this point.  I need to focus on this IVF, and the dreams that Chris and I have for OUR family.  I just don't have the extra energy to share right now.  In all honesty, I NEED to see my niece probably more than she needs to see me. 

I had to tell two more people about the IVF today... its becoming just part of who I am at this point.  I am not ashamed about it, and if anything, I feel it is my mission to educate others about the process.  It's just hard to schedule around it, since you have no idea when the retrieval will be.  Oh well.... that is all part of this fantabulous journey, right?

A new day...

So its a bright a sunny Sunday morning.  I am feeling fairly positive this morning.  Of course, I have come down with a cold/allergies/sinus infection.  Timing is always great for these things!  I am drinking some "magic" tea and it seems to be helping.  I kept Chris up most of the night, he is finally sleeping now.  I didn't have the heart to wake him to do the 8:30 am shot... I am actually getting good at jabbing myself.  :-)

We had a really great day yesterday.  Its amazing how much strain all of this infertility crap can put on a marriage.  Even a strong marriage can waver under these circumstances.  And we've wavered, alright.  In the end, I know that we are meant to be together and we will be parents together someday.  This is the first weekend in some time that we have NOTHING to do.  We ran some errannds yesterday, and then lounged around the house for the afternoon.  It just felt good to "be" 

There is a part of me that is ready for a break from all of the treatments and heartache.  However, the majority of my heart and soul wants to continue on this road no matter the cost.  Walking through the store yesterday, we saw so many families... a mom, dad, and children. It made my heart ache.  That's what weekends are for... spending time as a family.  I want that more than anything.  Sure, I know that we are a family now, the two of us.  That has become more and more evident as I have distanced myself from my extended family.  I just know that we both have so much more to give...

Seeing Chris with our good friends son is amazing.  The little guy was all about Chris on Friday night.  Chris turns into a child when he is around him... we actually had to tell him to quiet down while we were eating dinner!  :-)  When we went back to the house to watch movies, the little guy wanted nothing to do with anyone than Chris.  He snuggled up next to him, sharing his popcorn and blanket with Chris.  It was just so sweet... bittersweet. 

Why has a man who is so caring and good with children not been blessed with a child of his own?  Seeing him with this little guy breaks my heart in two... one side is just so proud that Chris is an amazing man, and the other half aches to give him a child of his own.  I know we aren't perfect people by any means.  We have our faults, and our challenges.  But so do so many others who have been blessed with children.  I don't think I will ever understand.

I truly believe that everything happens for a reason.  I think that is one of the hardest parts of coming to terms with our infertility.  I just want to know WHY.  Why can't we have children like everyone else?  What have we done wrong?  Why have we been blessed with talents in working with children, yet we can't have a child our our own to share them with?  Why does my sister get to have three children, and complain about it... when would give everything to just have one?

I pray each night that our dreams will come true with this IVF.  I just don't know where we will find the strength to go on if we are not successful.

IVF #3.... Here we go!

Here we go again.  IVF #3 is here.  It has been 3 months since the last attempt, and yet I don't think either of us has really "healed" from that failure.  I have high hopes for this cycle... but there is the constant pang of reality in the back of my mind.  I am excited and nervous at the same time.  In many ways, this is our final attempt... we have one more covered by insurance, but I know that neither of us have the emotional energy to do this again anytime soon.  We've started to consider adoption and I am starting to gather all of the information I can on that topic.  Hoarding information seems to be one of my coping strategies.

We're back with the RE that I truly respect.  It's going to cost us $3000 if we end up with any to freeze this time.  It's really hard to believe all of the money we have spent while others can get pg on a bottle of cheap wine for $2.99!  It's just not fair at all.  Dh and I have started joking about all of the things we could have bought for the cost of this IVF.  I have an entire mental file of things that will be funny someday.

I am feeling more alone each day.  I know part of this is summer.  Once I am back to work, I will see my friends each day and be more part of a social group.  My infertility really defines who I am right now, and so many of our personal friends just don't get it.  Most of them have children and can't understand the pain that I feel.  I have also come to terms with the fact that I can't count on my family for support anymore.  They are who they are... and just aren't able to support me right now.  It's hard because I have always been part of a close-knit family.  Now I am learning to stand on my own.  They have other priorities in life and that is fine.  It was just a rude awakening.  I know in the end I will be a better person.  I used to think that once my infertility was resolved, things would be different.  Now I am not so sure.

Onto the nitty gritty.... Today is CD#3, and I started stims this morning.  I have never had stims split into two dosages a day... maybe that is the change I need.  :-)  I have been on lupron since July 29th.  Tonight I am supposed to decrease that dosage, but I am questioning that decision.  When I had a consult with this RE after IVF #2 was a flop, she told me that she felt I was not on a high enough dose of Lupron.  Yet, when we start the cycle, she has me on the same dosage.  When I questioned that at my Mock Transfer, I was told that she would keep me at this dose and not drop it once I start stims.  The nurse tells me yesterday to drop the dosage in half.  When I questioned it, she really didn't have an answer.  I will have to call back today and try to talk to the RE herself.  This is it for me.... I am not going to just sit back and have another nightmare like the last cycle.  If I have a question about something... I am going to ask it until I get an answer that satisfies me. 

Anyway, here is the scoop...  150 Gonal F this morning, 150 Pergonal this evening, and Lupron TBD.  Tomorrow 75 GF AM, 150 Pergonal PM, and Lupron TBD, Sunday same as Saturday, and then back in on Monday for b/w and u/s.  I have not been on anything but pure Gonal-F.  I sure hope this is the magic cocktail for us.  It sure would be nice to not only get pg, but also have some embryos on ice for a change! 

Independence Day?

Its been some time since I last posted here.  Things have been busy I suppose.  The end of the school year... teaching summer school... preparing for IVF #3.  Yep, IVF #3 is just around the corner now.

I don't know what it is about this time of year, but I always find myself retreating into myself and locking out everyone.  To borrow the words from someone else, I needed  to lick my wounds so to speak.  I continue to be estranged from the family.  That is 100% my choice.  I just can't deal with the codependency right now.  In talking to a friend, she commented on how much I am the "caretaker" of the family.  I just don't have the extra energy for that right now.  I honestly don't know how I have the energy to get from day to day.

I am allowing my infertility to define who I am right now.  In all reality, it IS who I am right now.  I am starting to wonder what else really matters.  I mean, I love my husband very much and cherish the life we have together.  Its just missing something... a family.  I am an infertility patient.  There is nothing more that I want in the world than to be a mom.  The overachiever in me can't handle the failure time and time again, yet I keep going.  I can't imagine NOT being an infertility patient.

IVF #3 will be in mid-august.  I am on these godforsaken BCPs right now.  I hate the way they make me... moody and pimply faced.  I am on them for what seems to be forever, thanks to the fact that I have no regulariry to my cycles.  This is the only way that we can get things to fall into place.  The tests are all done, just waiting for the official word from the insurance company.  The extra duties I have taken on will almost pay for our entire portion of the IVF, thank goodness.  I have spent the past three weeks teaching summer school for children whose parents don't want them at home just so that I can have the opportunity to have my own.  There is some poetic justice there somewhere....?

Its the holiday weekend... Independence Day.  I am so greatful for my freedom as an American.  Yet, I feel very little independence right now.  My life is all dictated by myone desire... the desire to be a mom.

Fog

Its been a rough few days.  I wish that I knew even what I felt right now.  I am in a dense fog and I can't see it coming to an end anytime soon.  I am in limbo land right now, without a plan as to where we are heading.  Just aimlessly wandering through the fog.

I can't understand how the world just keeps going around me.  I can only imagine how egocentric that sounds.  However, it's the way my mind is working these days.  There are happy people, mommies and daddies, little babies, families, and pregnant women all around going on with life.  Even those close to me are moving on with life.  Nobody can figure out what to say to me or how to act around "poor Patience."  I think I hate the pity more than anything else.

I am so grateful to have a good friend who is also dealing with an IVF failure.  I can say things outloud to her that nobody else would understand.  I can't exclaim when I see the 400th pg women at the mall, or the irony that the restrooms in the mall are located right by the maternity section.  Together, we can handle the mall.  Alone, I unable to stand more than 20 minutes in the place.  Truly nobody can say that they understand until you have been where we are.  And it's not a nice place to be.

Infertility has come to define who I am.  I make decisions about everything in life based on what treatments we will be attempting or the latest reasearch I have read.  Infertility is the fog that surrounds me now.  Will I always be lost?

Thunderstorms

As I sit here to write this entry, thunder is rolling and rain is falling outside.  In so many ways this is symbolic of where I am at right now.  My heart aches and the tears are falling.  There is no resolution once again.  No rainbow at the end, just a continuous journey in search of the gold... a long frustrating journey with lots of sudden changes along the path...  a path that appears to be smooth and safe until an unexpected cliff appears. You have no choice but to fall into the depths.

The call came on Chris' 31st birthday.  In my heart I already knew what she was going to tell me.  I had started bleeding on Monday morning and knew it was over. My body started telling me on Wednesday, 8dp3dt, that it was coming to an end.  I started spotting, but still had some hope.  The signs and symptoms that I had been feeling started to slip away, and with that my little embryos were no more.  Once again, we have failed.

Chris is taking it very hard, and I don't know how to make it easier.  My heart breaks each time we talk about this failure.  Yesterday I was full of hope and promise, and today I am full of despair.  I just want to be a mom... why is that a gift that I am unable to attain?  I want to make Chris a dad.  He's just amazing around the children in our lives.  We've dedicated our lives to helping other people's children, and yet we are not able to have our own. 

In time I am sure the pain will become more bearable.  This pain will always be part of who I am.  As I sit and watch the thunderstorm out the window, my heart aches with each roll of thunder and drop of rain.

  

Time to be a little selfish

It's time for me to be a little selfish.  We have made the tough decision to skip the family party today. I just know that I will end up "snapping" and Chris is very concerned about what impact that will have on our precious embryos.  I just can't stand the thought of looking at my sister right now, knowing that she once again has what I want more than anything in the world.  The last thing I need right now is the patronizing I will be sure to get from my extended family as well.  I am sure I will be hearing about this for months, maybe even years, but I don't care at this point.  It's time that I think about myself and not what is best for all of them. 

I know that it is hard to deal with someone battling infertility.  We are a difficult breed, especially while in the 2ww of a major procedure. Even so, I am angry with my family because they CHOSE to keep this pregnancy from me.  Once again, I feel left out of everything.  Everyone had a secret that they whispered about behind my back.  My parents claim that the last month has been "hell" for them.  I don't think they even realize what this has done to me.  People close to me kept a pregnancy from me once before, and my mother knows how hurt I was from that.  Why in the world did she choose to do the same thing to me? 

It will never be ok.  I pray that I will get a BFP on Tuesday and will be able to move on with my life.  However, I will not EVER be ok with her getting pg again.  It isn't really jealousy.  It's the fact that she can't care for the two children she already has.  I feel so sorry for my niece and nephew. 

I have to wash my hands of all of this for now.  I have to focus my positive energy on getting a BFP on Tuesday.  It's time for me to be selfish...