Rewind... that darn H word

Mel posted earlier this week about the new Presidential Family portrait and the fact that the last one was taken two years ago.  She asked us all to reflect at where we were at two years ago.  I wish I hadn't looked. 

You see, two years ago we were full of HOPE.  You can read the post here.  I had just finished a month long drug protocol that had made me miserable, but we were so sure that it was the final piece to our IVF.  We learned that we had three normal blasts from our final IVF and were preparing to transfer them in January.  I was so sure that it was going to work.  I remember being so very hopeful for the first time in years.  Everything was falling nicely into place.  I was able to stomach the holidays because I was finally off the horrible drug, and I was so sure that it was going to be a final childless holiday.

For those of you who have read my blog for some time, you know how that all turned out.  If you'd like to refresh your memory- read this.  I came crashing down from my HOPE high really hard. 

But I've moved on, right? We're moving forward and healing from that negative and the devastating miscarriage that came months later after we transferred our final blasts.  We've closed that chapter of our life.  We're moving on and are actively trying to adopt.  We're hopeful again....

And that's where I slammed on the brakes.  Here I am, two years later, blissfully hopeful that this will once again be our last childless Christmas.  I am full of hope that we will become parents through adoption.  Everything is falling into place.  But am I setting myself up to fall again?

Other than the one situation that was a "hand me down" from another couple who had already been matched, we have not had a single call on our own 800 number.  There has been no interest.  After hearing of the two expectant mothers over a month ago, we are getting radio silence now.  Before you tell me it hasn't been that long- I know.  I know that we've only been fully active since September.  I know that we've only run our first newspaper ads last week.  But we've been out there- telling everyone we know.  We've sent out mailings, we have a website and a face.book page.  It was a year ago that we fully started the process with our first homestudy meeting.

I think the waiting would be so much easier to take if I knew that there would be a happy ending.  It's been more than 11 years since we started trying to have a family.  I just don't know how much longer I can wait without losing myself.  I've realized that the unknown timeline or even IF it will all work out is starting to eat away at me.  I don't like the person I am right now.  I am overwhelmed and underwhelmed all at the same time.  I am sad when I think about what the past 2 years have held for us- so much sadness and loss. 

For now I am holding onto hope.  Hope that we will finally have our family.  Hope that I will be able to embrace motherhood after yearning for so long.  Hope that Chris and I will be good parents.  Hope that we won't have our hearts broken again in the process.  Hope that an expectant mother will choose us and that we will be parents in 2012.

HOPE better not let me down this time.  I'm not going to take it lightly this time!