Weighing on my heart

I still need to write out Quinn's adoption story and hope to do that in the next few days.  I don't want to lose any of the details.  I find myself so driven to try to capture as much as I can for Quinn.  I want to make sure I can preserve his first moments of life with the amazing woman who gave birth to him.  We've never met, and I don't know if we ever will. She has communicated with us via an anonymous email account.  She did meet with our attorney and agency, and I have tiny snippets from them that I need to commit to paper before they are gone.  She is an intelligent, compassionate, brave woman who I will forever be grateful to.  And she has told us how grateful she is to us.  The weight of it all on my heart is heavy and I don't know if I will ever be able to truly process it all.  I find myself hesitant to call her Quinn's birthmom.  That just doesn't seem adequate.  We've already been talking to him about her, and I am just not sure what we will end up calling her.  We don't know her name (but our agency and attorney do- she has asked to remain anonymous to us)

I've been waiting for the tears to fall- and they seem to finally be coming today.  They are tears of joy, and relief, and love, and admiration, and loss, and gratitude, and so much more.  I think I was in shock for the first several days- literally.  I think I might need to have a few conversations with people at work again as I don't really have much recollection of them.  As I held Quinn during one of our late night feedings last night, it really started to sink in that he's ours.  We've been entrusted by his mom to raise him to be the man she hopes he'll become.  That weighs even heavier on my heart than the concept of providing for him.

For those of you that have followed our story, M was ecstatic when we told her about Quinn. Her reaction blew us away.  She is excited about the idea of her son growing up with a brother so close in age.  So for now, we are making plans to care for... two newborns!  She is feeling good, and her OB feels she may deliver close to 36 weeks... which is in two weeks!  I have an entire post all together about my emotions about raising two boys.  I'm torn between thrilled and feeling overwhelmed. 

When we took Quinn for his first pediatrician appointment, she asked if we had a support network.  We literally laughed out loud.  We are so blessed with a literal army of people who are excited to be a part of Quinn's life.  We've heard so many kind words of congratulations from those we know and love and those who have been touched by our story. 

For those of you who may be reading this who are deep in the trenches, I want you to know that I get it.  I spent 13 years in those trenches.  It still stings, but I can say now without a doubt- it was worth it.  I hate that we had to have so much hurt and loss before we could hold our son.  And there will be a part of me that will always carry that hurt in my heart.  I am hoping that the love for this little man will fill in the spaces of my heart and lessen the hurt.

ICLW- Baby Photo Included

When I signed up to do ICLW this month, I had no idea how my world was going to change!

After almost 13 years of infertility, loss, and heartache, our little miracle was placed in our arms on Monday.

He's perfect in every way.

I don't think I'll ever understand why we had to endure it all, but I know now it was worth it.

I'm not sure I'll ever "get over" being infertile, but having this little man smile up at me makes my heart full once again. 

I'm not even sure what to write here for ICLW. 

Instead, I will share one photo that simply takes my breath away.

Madly in Love... (edited to add photo!)

We're madly in love with our son.

Yep, he's in our arms.  We're working on the final legal steps necessary to make sure his mom's wishes are being honored.

I'll share photos once I know that I can

But know that we are totally, madly in love with this little guy.

We're forever grateful to his amazing mom who has changed her original plans to ensure that he is placed in our arms forever. 

For those of you who have asked, we are registered at Babies.r.us and Ama.zon.  We are so thankful for all of the words of support and congratulations you've sent our way.

We truly have been blessed.

Edited... got the all clear to add photos.  Here's the first photo featuring our son, Quinn Robert.

Our first family photo!

Blessed Beyond Measure

I honestly can't even believe I am writing this post.  Life has an amazing way of throwing your plans away and bringing you something... more.

We'll be picking up our son on Monday.  Tomorrow.

Let that sink in for a moment....

And M is still pregnant.

Take that in....

Yes, there is a chance that our life will be twice blessed in a very short period of time.


It has been a whirlwind of red tape and moving mountains for the past 36 hours, but in the end, good has prevailed and we will hopefully holding our precious baby boy on Monday, if not this afternoon.  His brave birthmom chose Chris and I to be his parents and brought him to a local hospital with a letter stating that fact.  Her wishes were not initially honored, and the safe haven law went into effect.  Another agency got involved, DCFS has intervened, and in the end, her wishes will be honored and he will be placed in our arms.  There's so much to this story, and I will share it at some point.  For now it is saved through frantic emails, text messages, and voice mails.

His birthmom wishes to remain anonymous to us, and we are currently communicating with her through email.  I will say that the power of Face.book was probably the single most factor in making everything happen as it should.  My faith in people has been incredibly restored this weekend.

We have worked with our agency and will share our news with M once we know everything is official.  We know this is not an ideal situation, but we didn't make any of our decisions lightly.  It will ultimately be M's decision if she wants to continue her plans to place with us, and we pray that she will.  If she chooses not to, our attorney and agency are ready to support her.  We are committed to making sure that her needs are met.  We are so very hopeful that she will be excited at the prospect of both babies growing up in our home with the bond of being so close in age.  We've had lots of tears and soul searching in the last 36 hours, but we feel that we have made the best decision for our family. 

In a crazy twist of timing, our friends are throwing us a small shower this afternoon. And the fact that M wanted to see our nursery means that we have one to bring this little guy home to.  Is it possible that the universe is finally going to allow our dreams to come true?

I promise to share updates once we have him safely in our arms.  He's been in foster care since Friday afternoon through the other agency.  He doesn't have a name just yet, we're hoping it will become clear once we see him.

I'm not sure Romeo is really ready for this... :)

Nursery Sneak Peek

We've made some progress in the nursery.  We needed to have it "staged" for M's visit last week.  We have the bones in place- the crib and the dresser/changing table.  I have a chair in the room as a place holder until we get the chair we've decided on from BRU. 

I still need to add art, and the bedding is still in progress.  I'm happy with my choice on theme and direction, we just need to execute it now! 

Hoping that the little guy will hold on until at least the start of March.  I've still got big plans for this space before he gets here!

M brought this adorable bear.  Looking forward to taking photos each month with the little guy and this bear!

Love the crib- and the fact we got it at half price!  Bumper is a breathable one from Target.

LOVE LOVE LOVE this dresser from Ikea.  Excited to use it as a changing table and storage.

Loss and Peace- one year later

As I drove home in the first real blizzard of the year, I realized that one year ago we said goodbye to yet another miracle not meant to be.  It's been a year since my D&C.  It took me all day to realize, and I suppose that means that I am in a good place right now.  We're starting to heal and we have the hope that our tiny miracle will finally be in our arms.... very soon.  But for a moment, my breath caught in my throat as I remembered.  I remembered about the pain of that loss, and how heavy it felt in my heart.  The pain came to the surface for a moment and felt so real and raw again.  And then it simmered down into a dull ache, and eventually was tucked back into my soul.

Today I feel like I can see the light, but I also carry the burden on those many dark days.  We're close to our rainbow- our happy ever after.  I have a crib set up in my house for goodness sakes... we're so close we can almost feel it.  But it's moments like the one I had today that remind me where we came from and cause me to hold my breath just a little.  I am going to be brutally honest here (not like that's something new...) and say that I really don't know what will happen if for some reason we don't end up with our little miracle from M.  I don't know that we will be able to handle the heartbreak again.  I don't know that our hearts and souls and bodies can withstand another loss.  I've hesitated to put this in writing in fear of jinxing it, but I feel that I need to.  I need to write it out. 

I am freaking terrified.  I don't know that I am strong enough to handle more loss.

And yet I feel a sense of peace that I haven't felt in years.

Hoping that peace wins out this time. 

Overwhelmed

It's been crazy since I last posted.  Lots to write about, but no time to do so!  I'm definitely feeling very overwhelmed.  I should be writing some grad school homework- that was due on Sunday night and yet I can't seem to find the motivation to do it.  I've tried.  My heart's just not in it, but I need to persevere. 

M came to our home on Monday for a visit.  The days leading up to it were crazy stressful as we tried to get a nursery together and clean every nook and cranny of the house.  M had made several comments about needing to see that our home was clean.  Of course that was all I needed to obsess over every little bit of dust.  We are not slobs, but we have a large drooling dog that likes to drag toys into the corners of every room.  M decided she HAD to come this week, and we only had a week to prepare. 

Chris sent me away for my annual girls weekend to relax.  I had planned on going for a month or so, and planned to back out.  Chris had other ideas so off I went.  It was nice to have some much needed girl time and talk to the new moms in the group.  All of the relaxation blew out the window when I got home and we had to go into crazy cleaning mode of course.

The nursery basics are there.  If he came tomorrow, we would be fine.  It isn't done by any means, but it has the basics he will need.  It still needs to be decorated, and my friend's mom is making the crib skirt, quilt, and valances for us.  We'll have a small shower on February 17th with those in our "inner circle" and a larger one once he is here and in our arms. 

We had a great visit with M.  She felt that she needed to see where he was going and know what to picture in her head.  I totally understand where she is coming from.  I am thankful that we are able to have an open relationship with her.  It hasn't been easy, and she has not really found a connection with anyone at the agency.  We talk or text almost daily.  She brought some gifts for the baby yesterday, including a giant teddy bear and some lovies.  I am thrilled that I will be able to tell him that these were gifts from her as he gets older. 

She continues to be sure that she will deliver early- thus the urgency in her visit yesterday.  She has asked me to be there in the delivery room with her.  I am beyond excited about the idea but will respect her wishes should she decide that she doesn't want me there.  She feels she will deliver very soon- and she will only be 32 weeks on Friday.  Please keep positive thoughts that she doesn't go into labor that early.  I am hoping and praying for 36 weeks at least, but would take 34.  I know it is all out of our control, but could use some good thoughts!

I called the agency today to get the details of how the hospital process will work and didn't get much information.  That's another post in of itself.  I wanted to find out if the hospital where she plans to deliver is adoption friendly or not.  I am trying to control the controllables and know what to expect as best I can.  From the website, I can't really tell.  I did learn that they focus on exclusive breast feeding, which I understand 100%, but given an adoption plan is in place, I want to find out what their policies are.  I just don't trust the agency to get all of the information and am considering calling the hospital myself.  Anyone have any experience with that?  Of course I managed to read all sorts of horror stories about non-adoptive friendly hospitals online...

In other twists, apparently M told our first social worker that she had a relative that lived on a Native American reservation.  That wasn't followed up until the new SW was in place and now we had to file with the three tribal headquarters and wait for clearance with the ICWA.  That can take up to three weeks and was filed last week.  Our attorney thinks it is VERY unlikely that there will be issues with ICWA, as M does not seem to have direct ties.  But we will have to wait and see.  It was a rough few days when we got that news and had to digest it all. We are frustrated that it wasn't dealt with back in November when it first came up and our attorney will be following up on what happened with that. 

Sometimes I think I just might be living in a Life.time made for TV movie!  Please let us have our happy ending after all of this...

Grad school work is calling.  Hoping now that I have "dumped" this all here I will be able to focus!