As of today, we are officially matched.
We took the leap. With both feet and eyes wide open.
There is still a LONG way to go, and a long way to fall.
Hoping, wishing, and praying, that our missing piece will be here in March.
I have lots more to say, but I am going to leave it at that.
We are matched. Oh.my.God.
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Standing at the ledge....
That's what I feel like right now. That I am standing on the ledge, and I am torn what to do next.
Do I take the leap and hope that we finally land in the world of parenthood?
Do I walk away just case there is something sharp at the bottom of the cliff?
After more going back and forth with the adoption professionals in our life, we *think* that we have come to a point of agreement in terms of living expenses for M. It is the same number we've always agreed to, but is still beyond what I would have ever expected we'd be paying in living expenses every month. There's one more issue that is still being worked out, but I do think that we can come to terms with it all.
I am terrified.
I have some trust issues after all these years of infertility and loss. There are some things about the way M has handled herself that have added to my trust issues. I want to believe with my whole heart that we will provide all of this support and in the end, M will choose to place with us and our dreams will finally come true. I just can't seem to take that leap.
While the adoption professionals agree that M has some definite motives in working with us, they do all get the sense that she will in fact place. While there are no guarantees in anything, and especially with the world we live in, that should give me some hope. But let's face it, we don't have a great track record in terms of things working out.
I am scared that we are making decisions with our heart and our ache for a child rather than our head. We stuck to our budget, even though it really was the HIGH end of our budget, and will require some fundraising to make ends meet. It isn't going to be easy, and if I could just know that it will all be worth it in the end I could do it.
But I can't see what is beyond the ledge...
This isn't how I imagined our adoption story was going to play out. I was hoping for the fairytale.
We need to decide if we are going to take the leap. We need to have the first month's expenses to the agency by Friday. How do I know if this is right? How do I know if this is the path we are supposed to take? Anyone out there have words of wisdom? For those of you who matched, how did you know it was "right"? I was hoping for some sense of peace, and that just hasn't come. But I don't have a sense of dread, either.
As I have always said, there are so many things that are right about this situation. She is fairly local to us and in-state. She appears to be healthy and is getting prenatal care. Her daughter has many of the same features as Chris. M has made a connection to us and has told us that she thinks we are the right parents to raise her child.
Do we take the leap and hope that is how things end up?
Do I take the leap and hope that we finally land in the world of parenthood?
Do I walk away just case there is something sharp at the bottom of the cliff?
After more going back and forth with the adoption professionals in our life, we *think* that we have come to a point of agreement in terms of living expenses for M. It is the same number we've always agreed to, but is still beyond what I would have ever expected we'd be paying in living expenses every month. There's one more issue that is still being worked out, but I do think that we can come to terms with it all.
I am terrified.
I have some trust issues after all these years of infertility and loss. There are some things about the way M has handled herself that have added to my trust issues. I want to believe with my whole heart that we will provide all of this support and in the end, M will choose to place with us and our dreams will finally come true. I just can't seem to take that leap.
While the adoption professionals agree that M has some definite motives in working with us, they do all get the sense that she will in fact place. While there are no guarantees in anything, and especially with the world we live in, that should give me some hope. But let's face it, we don't have a great track record in terms of things working out.
I am scared that we are making decisions with our heart and our ache for a child rather than our head. We stuck to our budget, even though it really was the HIGH end of our budget, and will require some fundraising to make ends meet. It isn't going to be easy, and if I could just know that it will all be worth it in the end I could do it.
But I can't see what is beyond the ledge...
This isn't how I imagined our adoption story was going to play out. I was hoping for the fairytale.
We need to decide if we are going to take the leap. We need to have the first month's expenses to the agency by Friday. How do I know if this is right? How do I know if this is the path we are supposed to take? Anyone out there have words of wisdom? For those of you who matched, how did you know it was "right"? I was hoping for some sense of peace, and that just hasn't come. But I don't have a sense of dread, either.
As I have always said, there are so many things that are right about this situation. She is fairly local to us and in-state. She appears to be healthy and is getting prenatal care. Her daughter has many of the same features as Chris. M has made a connection to us and has told us that she thinks we are the right parents to raise her child.
Do we take the leap and hope that is how things end up?
Monday, November 26, 2012
Intoxicating
After a tough Thanksgiving, the rest of the weekend went much better. I think I just really needed to deal with the anger and sadness and then I was able to move on. We had a fabulous time with our friends on Friday, and I am so very glad we went. I was really feeling like it might be time for us to start considering what it meant to live childfree. I thought that I was ready to start thinking about that possibility.
I was wrong.
Oh my word. There is just something so sweet and intoxicating about holding a baby like this. Instead of feeling overwhelming sadness about the fact that this sweet baby is close to the age the baby we lost in February would be, I felt an incredible sense of peace while holding her. Oh, and the sweet smell of her tiny little head? I am not sure I could ever get enough! I suppose this is all a sign that I am moving in the right direction, that all of the pain and heartache of the past 12 years will be worth it... if I ever have the chance to hold my own sweet baby like this. (Please excuse the flatness of my curls in this photo... this was much later in the evening!)
And then there was this....
I don't know if I have ever been more attracted to this man than in this photo. He is truly a natural when it comes to kids and they just are drawn to him. (I promise that we didn't get confused between the wine glass and the bottle!)
Now, there was a great deal of wine later in the evening and I may have felt a little ill when we got home. But there was a great deal of laughter, even in the midst of being the only childless couple there. We may have also joked repeatedly about stealing Katie, since she is the youngest of four, but we promise she went home safe and sound with her mom and dad.
So I guess this point is this... we're okay, and we're going to keep plugging along. I want the chance to have that intoxicating sweet baby smell (and all of the not so sweet smells) in our home and our hearts.
And we heard from M today. Apparently she has decided that she does in fact want to work with us. I don't know how I feel about it, and she still wants us to provide more than what we are comfortable with. We are being VERY generous and will have to make some deep sacrifices to even provide the level of support we have offered. She texted Chris late in the day and we've spoken to our attorney about it. We reiterated that M needs to discuss all financial aspects with the agency only, not us directly. We'll see what tomorrow brings- and we feel strongly that we will hold firm with our position. As we've always said, if she is willing to work with that, we will move forward. I don't think that M is being completely honest with us on several things, but I know that is part of who she is. We'll see what the next few days hold. I refuse to be manipulated for the next several months, and have already distanced myself from it all for now.
Please keep sending positive thoughts our way. I am in constant awe of the love and support from all of you out there. I can't wait for the day that I can share our joy with all of you rather than sorrow.
I was wrong.
 | |
| Snuggle time with Katie, our friend's daughter |
And then there was this....
 |
| Chris with Katie and her big brother Matty |
Now, there was a great deal of wine later in the evening and I may have felt a little ill when we got home. But there was a great deal of laughter, even in the midst of being the only childless couple there. We may have also joked repeatedly about stealing Katie, since she is the youngest of four, but we promise she went home safe and sound with her mom and dad.
So I guess this point is this... we're okay, and we're going to keep plugging along. I want the chance to have that intoxicating sweet baby smell (and all of the not so sweet smells) in our home and our hearts.
And we heard from M today. Apparently she has decided that she does in fact want to work with us. I don't know how I feel about it, and she still wants us to provide more than what we are comfortable with. We are being VERY generous and will have to make some deep sacrifices to even provide the level of support we have offered. She texted Chris late in the day and we've spoken to our attorney about it. We reiterated that M needs to discuss all financial aspects with the agency only, not us directly. We'll see what tomorrow brings- and we feel strongly that we will hold firm with our position. As we've always said, if she is willing to work with that, we will move forward. I don't think that M is being completely honest with us on several things, but I know that is part of who she is. We'll see what the next few days hold. I refuse to be manipulated for the next several months, and have already distanced myself from it all for now.
Please keep sending positive thoughts our way. I am in constant awe of the love and support from all of you out there. I can't wait for the day that I can share our joy with all of you rather than sorrow.
Friday, November 23, 2012
another childless Thanksgiving
I know... quite the dramatic title. Forgive me.
Yesterday was tough. Tougher than I expected. Tougher than it's been in many years.
We started the way we always do with the local Turkey Trot 5k. Ok, Chris and our friends ran along with several of the kids from our swim team while I watched and took photos. :) I really need to get back into running but that's another post all together. After my runners all passed, I stood there watching all of the young families cross the start line and it almost broke my heart. Seeing the running strollers, the toddlers wobbly little walks, the parents cheering on their little ones, it was almost more than I could take. It's really two-fold. First, there's the obvious pain that we aren't there yet and if we hadn't had miscarriage #3, we could have been pushing one of those strollers. Second, there is the marking of time. I know I've written about this before. The passage of yet another holiday makes my empty arms ache. This is the 13th Thanksgiving since we started trying to have a child. And now that Thanksgiving is over... Christmas is right around the corner. After Christmas is the end of 2012, which means that our dreams didn't come true in 2012. I know that the fact that the adoption lead fell apart this week is also weighing heavy on my heart.
After our post-race breakfast, I tried to share my feelings with Chris. Just as I always do, I kept the happy face on through the race, cheering on the kids and watching Chris encourage and support each of the kids as they crossed the finish line. On the car ride home, I started to unravel. Chris is the eternal optimist, and just can't go with me down the sadness road. He never has been able to, and I know that I owe his strength so much over the past several years. It also frustrates me beyond belief. He reminded me that we've "only" been at this for a little over a year, and it takes time. Really? Why can't we just catch a break? Now, he's had his moments of anger and despair, but he really can't handle when I get into my funk.
And that's just what I was in yesterday... a huge funk. I was angry most of the morning and struggled to cook my first ever Turkey. This type A girl can't handle not knowing how to do things, and the challenge of cooking the turkey was almost more than I could handle. There was some yelling and crying, but in the end, the turkey was perfect.
In the years since we decided to walk away from my family, we usually spend Thanksgiving with a close friends and their extended family. This year they were also celebrating the first birthday of their great nephew in conjunction with Thanksgiving. Invitations were sent out for the birthday party, and we weren't included. We were of course more than welcome to come, and in fact our friends gave us a hard time about not coming. However, we decided that we'd have a small Thanksgiving here at our house along with our other very close friend. We made this decision before the adoption lead fell apart, but after that happened, it felt like the right choice to have a childless Thanksgiving here at home. It was the right choice, and it was nice to just spend the day here at home with our close friend and her teenage daughter and her boyfriend.
Today we will go to celebrate our annual friend's Black Friday Thanksgiving. And it will be far from childfree. In fact, one of our friends commented that the kids will outnumber the adults for the first time this year. These are all of our friends from high school, and this is one of the only times we see them. Our lives have just done in different directions- mostly because we don't have children and all of them do. They've been so very supportive of us and have tried to help us in any way they can. But that can't take away that we will be the ONLY ones there without children. We agreed to go back when we thought things were possible with M. Now that has fallen apart, and it is going to be a tough road today. My saving grace? The fact that there will be a great deal of wine consumed and I've already called "drinking" so Chris has to be the DD. :) Please send some positive thoughts my way this afternoon as we navigate yet another tradition as the childless couple.
Yesterday was tough. Tougher than I expected. Tougher than it's been in many years.
We started the way we always do with the local Turkey Trot 5k. Ok, Chris and our friends ran along with several of the kids from our swim team while I watched and took photos. :) I really need to get back into running but that's another post all together. After my runners all passed, I stood there watching all of the young families cross the start line and it almost broke my heart. Seeing the running strollers, the toddlers wobbly little walks, the parents cheering on their little ones, it was almost more than I could take. It's really two-fold. First, there's the obvious pain that we aren't there yet and if we hadn't had miscarriage #3, we could have been pushing one of those strollers. Second, there is the marking of time. I know I've written about this before. The passage of yet another holiday makes my empty arms ache. This is the 13th Thanksgiving since we started trying to have a child. And now that Thanksgiving is over... Christmas is right around the corner. After Christmas is the end of 2012, which means that our dreams didn't come true in 2012. I know that the fact that the adoption lead fell apart this week is also weighing heavy on my heart.
After our post-race breakfast, I tried to share my feelings with Chris. Just as I always do, I kept the happy face on through the race, cheering on the kids and watching Chris encourage and support each of the kids as they crossed the finish line. On the car ride home, I started to unravel. Chris is the eternal optimist, and just can't go with me down the sadness road. He never has been able to, and I know that I owe his strength so much over the past several years. It also frustrates me beyond belief. He reminded me that we've "only" been at this for a little over a year, and it takes time. Really? Why can't we just catch a break? Now, he's had his moments of anger and despair, but he really can't handle when I get into my funk.
And that's just what I was in yesterday... a huge funk. I was angry most of the morning and struggled to cook my first ever Turkey. This type A girl can't handle not knowing how to do things, and the challenge of cooking the turkey was almost more than I could handle. There was some yelling and crying, but in the end, the turkey was perfect.
In the years since we decided to walk away from my family, we usually spend Thanksgiving with a close friends and their extended family. This year they were also celebrating the first birthday of their great nephew in conjunction with Thanksgiving. Invitations were sent out for the birthday party, and we weren't included. We were of course more than welcome to come, and in fact our friends gave us a hard time about not coming. However, we decided that we'd have a small Thanksgiving here at our house along with our other very close friend. We made this decision before the adoption lead fell apart, but after that happened, it felt like the right choice to have a childless Thanksgiving here at home. It was the right choice, and it was nice to just spend the day here at home with our close friend and her teenage daughter and her boyfriend.
Today we will go to celebrate our annual friend's Black Friday Thanksgiving. And it will be far from childfree. In fact, one of our friends commented that the kids will outnumber the adults for the first time this year. These are all of our friends from high school, and this is one of the only times we see them. Our lives have just done in different directions- mostly because we don't have children and all of them do. They've been so very supportive of us and have tried to help us in any way they can. But that can't take away that we will be the ONLY ones there without children. We agreed to go back when we thought things were possible with M. Now that has fallen apart, and it is going to be a tough road today. My saving grace? The fact that there will be a great deal of wine consumed and I've already called "drinking" so Chris has to be the DD. :) Please send some positive thoughts my way this afternoon as we navigate yet another tradition as the childless couple.
Monday, November 19, 2012
as expected...
I spoke to our attorney at length today and was once again reminded why we chose to work with her. She has high ethics and also doesn't sugar coat things. I am thankful that she is working on our behalf.
The social worker that met with M went over her expenses she listed, but in no way agreed that they were allowable under the law. She shared with our attorney that she also felt that they were well beyond what is "appropriate" while they are in all intense purposes legal under IL law. She had many of the same impressions we had about M and the fact that things don't seem to add up with everything she says.
We shared with our attorney what we were comfortable both financially and ethically covering. She shared that with the social worker who then called M. As expected, M did not accept the level of support we are willing to provide. In fact, she told the social worker that she has been in contact with another attorney and will be presenting her expenses to him/her and that she has another couple in mind. She told the social worker that she was going to take a week to think about it and then get back to her. Honestly, I am not sure what we will do if she comes back and wants to work with us.
We are heartbroken, of course. But more than that, I am angry. I feel used and manipulated and so disillusioned with the entire process. My old IF wounds have been ripped open again as I am left wondering why someone like M is able to easily conceive while so many of us aren't so lucky. I am left reeling and trying to decide how much longer we can do this. At what point is it time to recognize that the universe doesn't intend us to be parents? I feel like each step of our journey has left us more scarred and broken and I worry if I will ever be whole enough to be the mom a child deserves?
Chris has started talking about surrogacy again and I just can't even imagine going back into treatment right now. We've got just under a year left on our retainer with our attorney. We have our resources invested in adoption right now and I don't feel like we should jump ship just yet. However, I just don't know how I can put myself out there again. I don't understand why it seems that everyone else is being picked, and we simply are the last ones standing... AGAIN.
Seriously, what did I do to piss off the universe this much?
The social worker that met with M went over her expenses she listed, but in no way agreed that they were allowable under the law. She shared with our attorney that she also felt that they were well beyond what is "appropriate" while they are in all intense purposes legal under IL law. She had many of the same impressions we had about M and the fact that things don't seem to add up with everything she says.
We shared with our attorney what we were comfortable both financially and ethically covering. She shared that with the social worker who then called M. As expected, M did not accept the level of support we are willing to provide. In fact, she told the social worker that she has been in contact with another attorney and will be presenting her expenses to him/her and that she has another couple in mind. She told the social worker that she was going to take a week to think about it and then get back to her. Honestly, I am not sure what we will do if she comes back and wants to work with us.
We are heartbroken, of course. But more than that, I am angry. I feel used and manipulated and so disillusioned with the entire process. My old IF wounds have been ripped open again as I am left wondering why someone like M is able to easily conceive while so many of us aren't so lucky. I am left reeling and trying to decide how much longer we can do this. At what point is it time to recognize that the universe doesn't intend us to be parents? I feel like each step of our journey has left us more scarred and broken and I worry if I will ever be whole enough to be the mom a child deserves?
Chris has started talking about surrogacy again and I just can't even imagine going back into treatment right now. We've got just under a year left on our retainer with our attorney. We have our resources invested in adoption right now and I don't feel like we should jump ship just yet. However, I just don't know how I can put myself out there again. I don't understand why it seems that everyone else is being picked, and we simply are the last ones standing... AGAIN.
Seriously, what did I do to piss off the universe this much?
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Gray
That just about defines my life at this moment. It's been more than a week since I last posted, and I really don't have any exciting updates to share. We're living in gray right now. We've had some crazy weather shifts in the past week which have resulted in crazy foggy gray evenings and mornings. My work life has been crazy busy and I feel as though my head is swirling with gray all the time without any sort of focus. I am supposed to be writing a final self-reflection paper for my grad school class right now, but felt the need to dump out some angst here before continuing. Paper is due at midnight... so I have a full 7 hours left to write it, right?
The biggest weight right now is the fact we are still living in the gray area with M, the expectant mother we are working with. She met with the social worker on Friday and listed all of her expenses. It's such an icky place to even talk about and probably my biggest hang-up about the domestic adoption process. Yes, I know there are states that don't allow living expenses and yes, I know that there are other options for us. But this is the path we are on, and we have chosen to work directly with expectant parents rather than use an agency. There are many reasons for this, so please understand that we are on the path that is right for us. We just don't know if THIS specific path is the right one.
I've been doing lots of thinking and processing about what it means to provide living expenses to an expectant mom. I don't think I'll ever come up with the "right" answer that makes me feel completely at peace. Our attorney has provided us with the information and guidance and we know in our hearts that she will help us determine if this is the right path for us. As I have always said, there is so many things that are right about this situation. As much as I tried not to let it happen, I have started to dream about the what if's should this finally be our chance at parenting. It's going to really hurt to walk away at this point, but I know that it will only be harder the further along we go.
We're in limbo land once again. While it is not even close to the same thing, this feels so much like the last pregnancy that ended up in miscarriage. We'd start to feel really good and then we'd have some bad news. We were constantly waiting for appointments to find out the next step. And that is exactly where we are at now. Our attorney will be in contact with M's social worker on Monday and then get back to us. We know what we are comfortable with providing in terms of living expenses, and as of right now that is not even close to meeting what M is asking for. We need some clarification from the professionals involved and then we will need to make some decisions. There are lines that Chris and I are not willing to cross- even if they are legally allowable. We know that drawing the line might mean that M decides not to work with us, and we have come to the point that we are ok with that. It will sting and I am sure there will be tears, but we have to be at peace with the choice.
There is still a chance that we can all get on the same page with living expenses and make an "official" adoption plan. (It is just that- a plan, not anything that commits M to placing, just saying that she is working with us and is making a plan to place) M has some immediate expenses she would like covered, so I feel we will have some resolution one way or another in the next few weeks. We are scheduled to take her to an u/s appointment on Nov 26, and I want to have the living expenses situated before that point and have made our adoption plan as well. I don't think my heart can take going and seeing the u/s if it looks like we will have to walk away.
Please keep sending positive thoughts our way that we are able to find some peace one way or another in the coming weeks. I don't know how much more gray this girl can take!
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Remembering Wilson- 5 years Later
She was my cheerleader (she'd hate that I called her that) and confidant. She taught me about understanding and openness. She taught me to laugh at myself and to not take myself too seriously. She'd be really unhappy to see the state of our school and the way that our staff is treating each other. She'd have plenty to say about all the mandates and new initiatives in place.
I'd like to think she'd be thrilled for our colleagues who've found love and have a baby on the way. I'd like to think that she'd be proud of the choices I've made. I hope she's cheering us on in our quest to become parents.
I still wish I would have done more five years ago, but have finally come to terms that there was nothing more I could do. Losing her opened my eyes to so much and for that I am grateful, even if I miss her spirit and energy in my life.
In honor of her memory, I'm going to make sure to tell those I care about just how much they mean to me.... and challenge you to do the same. You never know when just one simple card, or word of encouragement can make all the difference in the world to someone.
You are missed, Wilson.
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