Limbo Week 9

Today's HCG level= 4.

At first the nurse said Congrats, you are done.  And then she took it back.  She said local RE wants it under 2.  So they want me back in two weeks for a recheck.  Seriously?!

I was also "scolded" for not establishing myself with an OB/Gyn.  I really feel like this local RE just wants to rid his hands of me.  He is the partner of the main RE who owns the practice.  I am NOT a fan.  He's been less than stellar with my care.  Thankfully I've been in contact with my nurse at CC.RM otherwise I would be freaking out more than I am. 

He won't agree to test for the clotting issues until my HCG is less than 2.  I am tempted to just get the orders from CC.RM, but I think they'd lose even more interest in caring for me if I did that.  (And they'd charge me an additional $40 "facility fee" every time I walked in the door.)  I'm going to send an email to my CC.RM nurse and get her take on it all.

I have company coming next week, so I'll be nice and busy.  I'll have the week ELEVEN HCG level done on the 27th.  Hoping that I can finally get the clotting labs done before we leave for California.  We get back from that trip the night before school starts.  Who knew that I would spend the ENTIRE SUMMER in this limbo land?!

I am frustrated that it feels like we've lost an entire summer to this miscarriage limbo.  We haven't moved forward with our adoption marketing because I just couldn't without getting some closure.  And here it is, the summer is coming to a close, and I'm still where I was in May.

I still haven't heard anything on the new position, either.  The admin team was on vacation until this past Monday.  Then we had a ridiculous storm come through here that has left almost 100,000 people without power still today- including our district email server and some of the district offices.  Rumor has it that it will finally be posted next week.  Hoping that I can get some closure on that front soon, too.  I just need to know so that I can plan appropriately for the rest of my summer. 

We have spent the last week getting ready for our guests.  We've turned Chris' office into a guest room with the intention of becoming a nursery some day.  I suppose that means we've made some progress this summer.  I'll post pictures soon.  Right now it's still in pieces.  :)

Thank you for all of your words of encouragement and sharing in my frustration.  It means the world to me.

Snapping Out of It!

Thank you for all of your kind words. 

I didn't do much yesterday.  And I am trying to be ok about that.

You see, I have three amazing ladies coming to visit me in just over a week.  I have so much I need/want to get done before they get here.  So... no more wallowing for me!  I need to get to work!

Chris took the motorcycle to the meet today, so I have a car.  I need to make sure I get everything that I need to get done today as he will need the car again tomorrow.

Also heard from my CC.RM nurse who feels that AF being here is a really good sign that I'll be under 5 next time.  She is so very sweet.  I only wish that we could be back there cycling, but alas that is not an option at this very moment.  A girl can dream, right?  :)

Ok, I must go paint and prime the guest room if my amazing ladies are going to have a place to sleep when they come! 

Wallow or Snap out of it?

So it seems AF is here in full force. 

Please let this be a sign that my body is finally going to resolve all of this on its own.  Pretty please.  I really don't want to consider the alternative.  The initial u/s didn't show anything anywhere and at that point my HCG was at 1200.  So I am hopeful that there isn't any residual tissue causing issues at this point.

I am in a funk today, and need to decide if I am just going to let myself wallow in self pity for a day or try to snap out of it.  I have worked hard to stay positive and keep myself moving forward.  But today, I feel like I can't fight against the universe.  I think I'm allowed one day of rest, right?!

Just to add a little more stress to my life, we're having issues with my car again.  It can't be driven right now.  Chris attempted to fix it earlier in the week, and it worked for a few days and now needs a part that he can't replace.  Really looking forward to the bill from the dealer.  Chris has a meet this weekend, and had to take large tents with him today.  So that means I'm home and can't go anywhere. Which is really ok, but just makes me frustrated that I can't go somewhere if I wanted to.  There's plenty of work to get done around here, so I really have plenty I can do. 

So to wallow or snap out of it?  We'll see what the day brings.  Either way, I'm only allowing myself this ONE day.  I can't let the universe win.  I have so much to look forward to in the coming weeks that I just need to push through it. 

And universe... can you please cut me a break sometime really soon?

6

Seriously... if this wasn't happening to me, I wouldn't believe it.

Today's HCG level... Six...

That's a drop of 4 whole points in 2 1/2 weeks.

Freaking Awesome.

However, I really do think that AF is here.  I have had severe cramping and bright red. 

But that all started before I had today's labs.

So the plan is one more week of labs and then I need to find an Ob/Gyn to do a D & C. 

Really not wanting to even consider a D & C at this point.  Reading about possible complications is scary.  But so are the complications of residual tissue.

And the rest of my summer is all planned out.  I REALLY don't have time for all of this.  I honestly don't know how to fit in a D & C at this point should I need to do that.

But from what I've read, anything under 5 is considered negative.  So I'm almost there, right?

I am at a loss.  I am frustrated.  I am angry.  I am sad.  I just want to move on from this.

Anyone have any thoughts?  Words of wisdom?  A crystal ball?

Just once I wish I wasn't the exception to the rule.  

Etsy Store

There's nothing much new to report on the miscarriage front.  Although I do seem to have a killer back ache, which is usually indicative of AF is coming.  That would be VERY welcome at this point, as it would mean that I am finally at the end of the miscarriage marathon.  But we'll see.  I don't go back to the RE until July 6th, but if AF shows I'll call to get an earlier appointment.

In other news, I set up a shop on etsy and thought I would share the link here.  I am adding things to it slowly, but I've already had a few sales!  I am hoping to create a little nest egg for our adoption costs.  You can find my shop here.

Just starting to really enjoy summer and take a few deep breaths after the crazy spring we had. Looking forward to having some friends visit in a few weeks so I am busy making plans for that. 

One final shout out to the lovely MTL who is in Ethiopia with her sweet babies hoping to bring them home very soon.  Please send some good thoughts her way that everything goes as planned and they are back on US soil with their sweet angels soon.

15 years ago

Today marks our 15th wedding anniversary.  It's been a wild ride, but I really wouldn't have wanted to share it with anyone else.  This is not what I thought our lives would be like at this point, but I am so thankful to have reached this milestone.  It hasn't been easy, lord knows that.  But we made it.  We've beat the odds in one area- we've dealt with prolonged infertility and come out the other side with a stronger marriage. 

While my heart still aches for a child, I know that I am truly blessed to share my life with such an amazing and caring man.  We married young (I mean really young since I'm only 29 and all, right?! Oh how I wish!)  My 21 year old self had no idea what she was getting into.  She had no idea how hard life was going to be for the next 15 years.  She had no idea that she would experience so much loss.  She had no idea how much she would grow to love that man she stood next to that day.  She had no idea how many adventures she would be fortunate to take with him by her side.  She had no idea what it really meant to love someone so completely. 

If I knew then, what I knew now- I'd still marry him in a heartbeat.  While I don't believe that there is a purpose for every life experience, I do know that we were meant to be together.  Marriage is hard work.  But the benefits are great.  While I yearn to have a child, my heart breaks for those who have lost their spouse or have yet to find someone to share their life with.  I know that I am blessed.  After all we've been through it's so easy to wallow in what we don't have.  (And believe me, that's were I was less than 24 hours ago!) Today I am going to focus on the good.  Focus on my strong marriage and the amazing man who chose me all those years ago.

Thank you for all of your love and support through the past year and more.  I also count each of you as blessings in my life. And no worries... I'll be back to whining about my never dropping HCG levels tomorrow!  :)

10

Freaking 10.

That's my hcg as of this morning.

A drop of only 3 over the past week.

Insert temper tantrum here.

I get to wait two weeks until I go back.  Lucky me.

July 6th next test.

Two more weeks in limbo.

Not happy.