52

I'm still a little pregnant.  Ugh.  HCG is at 52 as of this morning.  I have to go back again next Tuesday. 

I just want this to be over already. 

Hoping it's just one more week.  Why is it that my body seems to hang on when it isn't supposed to?  Why couldn't we have had this kind of resolution back before it decided to miscarry yet another pregnancy?! 

Still feeling tired and a little achy.  I haven't spoken to CC.RM or to the actual RE at the local clinic since the first day.  As much as I whine here, you would think I would do something about it.  But I haven't.

Today was the first day of summer school.  It was a hot mess as the admin in charge isn't the most organized.  Only 14 more days to go.  And the money is good, so it is worth it.  At least that's what I am telling myself right now. 

Off to be creative... I need some kind of pick me up after this day!

Art Journal Pages

It's been a long week... but school is officially out for the summer!  While I start summer school on Tuesday, I am still getting into the summer groove. 

I am taking an online art journal workshop by Christy Tomlinson.  It was just what I needed after months of creative drought and the stress of school and our miscarriages.  Chris is at a swim meet this weekend, and the weather here in Chicago is ugly this weekend.  So I took advantage and spent most of the weekend so far in my studio watching class videos and creating.  The class is called Three Hearts and it is based on the idea that we have three hearts that we share.  One with the world, one with our family, and one with ourself.  The class is heavy on techniques, but also on journalling ideas.  This is my first attempt at an art journal, and I am LOVING it.  Breaking out supplies I haven't used in a long time (if ever) to create. 

Here are some of the pages I've created so far...

Neverending Saga

I had labs again this morning as part of the "follow up" to my surprise miscarriage.  I am a little concerned that my levels aren't dropping fast enough.  The local RE who is monitorning all of this doesn't seem too concerned.  I just want this all to be over so I can go back to my not-so normal life.  :)

Here's my HCG levels this miscarriage:
5/11- 1200
5/13- 934
5/16- 600
5/23- 193

We have no idea how far along I was or if this pregnancy was ectopic.  The ultrasound on 5/11 showed no sign of anything in the uterus.  I was never on ANY medication, so this is all my body all on its own.  I am worried that there is something somewhere that isn't going to resolve itself. 

With my miscarriage in October after our FET, I was at 0 by three weeks after the initial drop.  I started much higher, but dropped much quicker.   I was still on meds through the biggest drops.

Here's the numbers from October:
10/4 3341 (before m/c)
10/8 2000 (after bleeding started)
10/11 400 (stop meds)
10/13 181
10/18 29
10/25 0

So maybe it's not that far off at this point?  I think I am going to call CC.RM and talk to my nurse to see what she says.  I have had this all managed by the local RE and not sure he is fully "invested" in my treatment since I am not an official patient.  (I was in the past, thus the reason they agreed to see me) 

The other issue- It's the last week of school and honestly I don't have time to deal with this.  I may also call tomorrow and ask to talk with one of my trusted nurses at the local RE and see what her thoughts are. 

Anyone have any thoughts?  At what point do I ask for a repeat u/s?

I am exhausted.  I don't know if it's the miscarriage, the end of the school year, allergies, or a combo of all three.  I just need to make it to the weekend! 

May ICLW

Welcome to all of you who are visiting for ICLW (and my regular readers, too!)

If this is your first time here, you can see our basic story by clicking on the timeline tab above.  We've been at this for more than a decade now, and are really hopeful that we will finally welcome home a baby through a domestic infant adoption.  We are homestudy approved, and are working to get our marketing materials together.  We're doing things on our own, as I am a bit of a control freak. 

Most recently we've had a surprise pregnancy and miscarriage last week.  We're still trying to figure it all out.  There was some concern that it was an ectopic pregnancy initially, but we are pretty sure we are in the clear.  My levels are dropping, and I am hopeful for a nice low number when I go in for labs on Monday.  We'd like to move forward, and feel that we need to get to an official beta of zero before doing that. 

I'm a middle school special education teacher and this is our last week of school.  It's been a busy few weeks and it will be nuts until the end.  While I am excited for the end of the school year, I am honestly a little sad to see this group of students move on.  I've grown quite attached to them.  My husband is a swim coach and his season is just starting up as my year winds down. 

Looking forward to getting to "meet" some new bloggers this week! 

Favorite Photos from Photo Shoot

We got our CD from our friend yesterday.  I thought I'd interrupt all of the miscarriage posts with one full of my favorite photos.  Some of these are for our profile, and others I love for other things.  I've narrowed it down to 5 of my favorites for our main profile photo- I'll post about that later.  There's also some fun outtakes courtesy of Romeo that I'll share in another post too. 

So for now, here are some of my favorite photos for your viewing pleasure....

Take Cover!

I can sense that the meltdown is imminent.  However, I do not have time for a meltdown right now.  I have so much to get done over the next 8 school days.  Chris' birthday is tomorrow.  He has a huge meet that his swim team is hosting this weekend.  And I am a walking time bomb.

As I've shared the news of the recent events with a few close friends, they've been as shocked by the whole thing as we have been.  They've also told me how strong they think I am.  I laugh and shrug it off.  What else can I do right now?  I have to put on my big girl panties and move forward.  But all I really want to do right now is curl into a ball and hide from the world for a few days- or weeks.  I was doing fine until today, really I was. 

I have to imagine part of it all is the raging mess of hormones in my system right now.  Apparently my bre.asts didn't get the memo that we're not really pregnant.  They are swollen and sore today.  It took four different shirts before I was comfortable this morning.  I still have a nagging ache in my right ovary.  (Wondering if I have a cyst.  Might have to get that checked out)  I am exhausted.  I find myself yawning all day long, which doesn't bode well for student productivity! I just want to feel good again.

My team also threw a shower for our pregnant coworker today.  I did my part in making the card for our gift, but that is all I can muster right now.  I know a few people had opinions about my lack of participation or attendance.  I just don't really care.  I had several students who had to stay after school today anyway, so I couldn't have attended if I wanted to.  As much as I want to say that I am ok about the shower, it still hurts.  If I hadn't miscarried in October, I would have been due in a few weeks, and there would also be a shower happening for me.  But we all know how that all turned out.  I am healing and each day is easier.  Of course this "bonus" miscarriage right at the time of my original due date is just adding a smidge of salt to the wound. 

I have to allow myself some grace, here.  Just writing that last sentence made me realize all that we've been through.  Maybe I am strong after all.  :)

So I just need to figure out how to get through the rest of this week without having a complete meltdown.  I need to respect Chris' birthday tomorrow even though I really don't feel like celebrating right now.  He's stressed and I am a hormonal mess.  That's just not a good combo in our house!  I thought about going to get a pedicure after work today but just didn't do it.  I think I've earned a little treat after the last week!

But for now I have to get grades done.  Writing this post has helped ease some of the tension... so if you are still reading... thank you!

Still dropping...

Thankfully my HCG levels are still dropping.  Today's level was just over 600, so it is still dropping.  I was hoping for a faster drop like last time, but I'll take it I guess.  It's funny how once again perspective changes. I don't have to go back to the RE until Monday for a repeat beta.

Last time, Dr Sch had me on antibiotics with my miscarriage.  I think this was done before we knew it was a miscarriage and I was just bleeding.  Do I need to be on them this time?  I keep meaning to ask.  Is that a normal thing? 

Thank you for all of your kind comments on my last few posts.  It means the world to me.  Even my closest friends can't really understand where I am at right now.  (Heck, I don't even really know where I am right now!)  But all of you know just what to say.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

Thankful that I am really busy with school.  Only 9 more days in this school year!