Remembering

Photo taken by ME at the 4th of July Parade 2009

 

Today we remember.  We remember those who have given the ultimate sacrifice for the freedoms we enjoy each and every day.  Thank you to those who have served and to those who are currently serving.  In today's climate, we often take the freedoms we have for granted.  I truly am filled with immense gratitude to those who have given their life for the USA.

I was so moved by the photos shared on The Pioneer Woman's website.  Please take a few moments to look at what "homecoming" means to so many of our military families.

A special shout out to my close friend, Mandy, and her husband Jim who is an active Marine.  Thank you for the sacrifices you have made for our country!  (I am also thrilled that I will get to spend the day with Mandy and her two little ones this week... can't wait!)

 Grandpa & me 1976

I am also taking a moment to remember my grandfather, who had a huge impact on creating the woman I am today.  He was taken from us suddenly in 2002 just before I learned of our first ectopic pregnancy.  I hope that he is taking care of all of my angel babies and watching over the child that will one day come to be our own.  He was a man of integrity and charm, and is missed as much today as ever.  He taught me what patriotism was and the importance of thanking those who have served our country.

College Graduation 1997

Take a moment today to remember.  Remember those who have given their lives in service, and those who have taught us what it means to be a true hero.

Mother Nature... Help me out, please!

Dear Mother Nature,

I think you have forgotten about me.  My monthly "gift" has now turned into a maybe every other month thing.  You've forced me to take progesterone for a week in the hopes that you will finally grace me with your presence sometime soon.  I am not a big fan of the side effects of this progesterone, as I am a tired crabby woman these days.  It has been 59 days since you last visited me.  You managed to find me in the middle of our trip to St. Lucia, so why can't you find me now?!

I can't start my Depo.t Lu.pron injections until you decide to show up.  With your tardiness, you have just cost me the chance of doing our final FET before I have to return to school.  In fact, it looks like I may have to miss part of the first week of school.  Really?  Why can't you just show up when scheduled for once?

I finish the progesterone on Tuesday and I sure hope that you don't take your sweet a$$ time getting here after that.  I take no responsibility for my actions if you don't show up in a timely manner!

Warmest Regards,

Mostly Worldess Wednesday

Here is where I wish I was right now...

(photo taken on our recent vacation to St. Lucia)

Grateful Monday

I saw this on another blog and thought it was a great idea.  Trying to be positive after a really long, hot day in a classroom without working air conditioning filled with adolescent smelly boys.  Ok, enough of that!

So here are the things I am most grateful for today:

1. My amazing husband who sent me an email that simply said "I love you" in the middle of my work day today.  Just what I needed.
2. Air conditioning that finally kicked in at school, in my car, and at home.  I am NOT a hot weather girl!
3. Romeo's big head that always seems to be looking out the window just as I pull into the driveway.  The amazing unconditional love he gives me as I walk into the door from work.
4. My sweet Patches who is also thrilled to see me each and every day just as she has for the past 14 years.
5. Having found the courage to start seeing a therapist and finding the *right* one.  She's been through IF personally and has helped me get through the past year of hell.
6. Friends who make going to work easier, even in the dog days of May/June when the kids are done!
7. My laptop and the connections it allows me to make with the greater global IF community
8. DVR- Being able to watch mindless guilt free TV at the end of a long day
9. My nurse at CC.RM- She always returns my calls and has time to answer all of my questions.  She has made the whole process of cycling/failing/trying again a little more bearable.
10. My thumb is almost completely healed after an incident with a mandolin slicer.  I can finally type normally again.

So what are you most grateful for today?

Skin Care Routine?

I have never been good with a skin care routine.  I know, I really should be.  It is just not something that my mom ever really did, so I didn't really have a role model in that area.  (She doesn't wear any make-up either, so I am pretty clueless there too)

I was out running my usual errands to get dog food and my hair products.  (I went curly girl 10 months ago, you can find out more about how I got obsessed by clicking here.) A new strip mall was built in the last few years that houses all of my must go places- PetsMart, Office Max, Bed Bath & Beyond, Old Navy, and Ulta.  This is one of my favorite Ulta stores as I think the associates are much more approachable and don't make me feel self conscious.  (Does anyone else ever feel that way?!)  I wanted to get some philosophy amazing grace perfume, and couldn't find the display.  Turns out, philosophy has a skin care line that Ulta is now carrying.  I was fortunate to end up talking to one of the "experts" on the line and ended up coming home with this:

(image from the official website- www.philosophy.com)

I have to face the fact that I am now 35, and need to start taking better care of my skin.  The kit was a definite splurge, but hoping I will be able to keep up with the routine and will see a difference in my skin.  I love the fact that the line is called "makeup optional" which definitely describes me! 

Has anyone used this line before?  Any thoughts?

I am trying to spend the next two months while I am on the nasty Dep.ot Lup.ron taking very good care of myself.  I am not a fan of lupron, and it doesn't really like me either.  So I am going to try to be VERY good to myself.  Hoping this is one step to making me enjoy just being me.  We shall see!

ICLW

Welcome to those who are finding my blog through icomleavwe!  This is my first time participating, and I am excited to be a part of this project.  I truly value the virtual community that blogging has given those of us walking the infertility journey.

I am a simple girl who married my high school sweetheart.  We adore children and dream of having a child of our own.  I have PCOS, which is our only official diagnosis.  We've done 4 IVFs and 2 FETs with our last cycle at CCRM.  We have stumped every RE who has ever treated us.  We are planning to do our final FET late this summer after I do two months of Dep.ot Lu.pron.  Our only other diagnosis has been "unlucky."  We seem to ALWAYS fall on the wrong side of the statistics. Please see the side bar that gives the abbreviated version of our infertility journey so far.

For those of you who are starting infertility treatment, please read my blog with caution.  I am NOT a best case scenario, and have been in the trenches for almost a decade.  While I started this blog as a way for me to process my own thoughts and be able to reflect on each step of our infertility treatment, I also hope that others can learn from my mistakes and experiences.  There are things I would do differently if I had them to do over, but I did what I thought was best at the time.

I am also an avid paper crafter and enjoy making cards and scrapbooking.  I am working on my photography skills and am trying to love running as much as my husband does.  I teach middle school and my husband is a swim coach.  We are blessed with many amazing friends.

Those are a few pieces of the puzzle.  :)

40%

40% That's the odds that Dr Sch gives us with our FET ending up with a positive pregnancy test.

Why?  He has no idea.  No clue why our FET didn't work in January.  We've managed to "stump" even one of the top doctors in the country.  Too bad there isn't a prize for "Stump the RE"  We'd be big winners for sure!

I asked lots of questions, and he honestly answered all of them. I am thankful for his brutal honesty.  That's why we chose to work with him.  I just wish he could give us a brutal answer other than "I don't know." When we decided to do this IVF at CC.RM, I wanted one of two things: 1) get pregnant or 2) finally have some answers as to why we keep failing.  Obviously I really was hoping for the first option, but the second would have been nice too.  We didn't get either.

So here is the gist:

• Has no idea why our FET failed, but *thinks* it must be some sort of uterine issue.  However, I have had EVERY test to rule out uterine problems, and I don't seem to have any known problems.  Blood flow, structure, lining, and everything else looks good.  Only known issue is the missing Beta-3 Integrin protein, which he feels was treated by the Letrozale.

• Which brings up the next point... he doesn't feel that there are any differences in Letrozale/Femara and Dep.ot Lu.pron treatment.  Told me that there are no studies that support one over the other.  Told me that he would suggest doing the Dep.ot Lu.pron this time just to change a variable.

• Also agrees that I should try the endo biopsy to "injure" the lining the month before my FET.  There are some studies out of Israel that are supporting this theory.  Dr Sch said it is a little bit "voodoo" but willing to give it a try.  Need to find a gynecologist locally to do that for me.

• Does NOT feel it is an egg and/or embryo quality issue.  He actually said he was "thrilled" with my quantity and quality of both eggs and embryos and feels I had the best cycle yet.  (I have to agree, but it was worth asking, right?)  We had the highest number of blasts we've ever had and ended up with 3 normals.  Thinks that is a best case outcome.  (Of course I think a BFP would have really sweetened the deal!)

• Does not feel that he would change the FET protocol at all.  Feels the protocol has little to do with success or not.  All of my bloodwork and u/s showed that I responded "perfectly" on the protocol that CCRM uses.  

• Does not feel that treating with low dose steroid would help, even with my family history of autoimmune issues.  Doesn't feel that immune issues are to blame, since I am having implantation failure, not miscarriages.  Did say that I could retest for antiphospholipid antibodies and see if that was an issue.  Would treat me with Lovenox then, not steroids.  Said that I could have been "normal" before and now have an abnormal result.  Will repeat that test with a lab here soon.

• If we chose to do another fresh cycle, he would not change my protocol at all.  He feels that we had the best cycle ever on the protocol.  

Bottom Line:  We should do the FET with adding Dep.ot Lupr.on for 2 months and the endo biopsy the month before the FET.  If the FET does not work, then he recommends another fresh cycle... and using a gestational surrogate.   Chris and I have both known that this was a possibility.  So for now, we will focus on the FET and wrap our minds around the idea that there is really only a 40% chance it will work.  If it fails, then we will start talking about using a surrogate.  Of course I want to start working on Plan B (or is it really like Plan Z by now?!) and will probably do some research.  We have a lot to think about.