Thanksgiving Eve

It's the eve of Thanksgiving and the memories of Thanskgivings past are rushing back to me. I am thankful for the life that I have, and that is forefront in my mind. However, there is still much missing in my life. That becomes vividly clear on Thanksgiving.

My thoughts are always pulled to our last Thanksgiving with my grandfather. I had just had another failed fertility cycle and was left with HUGE cysts on my ovaries. I was on birth control pills to shrink the cysts. I was very angry. I was so sad that day and remember being very weepy as I thought about another year without a child. However, I was blessed with my family and I did have some time to sit and talk with my grandfather that day. He was an amazing man, and truly a patriarch of our family. I loved spending time with him and talking about our very different opinions.

Two days later, we had my niece's birthday party. We were all together once again and had some really great time together. It was unusual to have that much time together as I have gotten older and had a life of my own. I was able to cherish the time with my niece and my grandfather, even though I was aching for a child of my own.

The next week changed my life forever. I lost my beloved grandfather suddenly that Monday. For some reason, I came home from work early that day, and I was at the house when the paramedics arrived. I saw my respected and loved grandfather on the living room floor as the paramedics tried to revive him. I was the only one there with grandma as the paramedics took grandpa away. I knew in my heart that he was gone, but I just didn't want to beleive it. I had just spent two wonderful days with him and could not imagine him not being in my life.

I am not sure how I got through that week. I was involved with every aspect of the arrangements for his funeral. I had to be. I needed to be. I spoke at the funeral on behalf of the grandchildren.

I was so angry at God. Why did he suddenly take such a good man from us? Why didn't he give us a chance to say goodbye? I was starting to come to terms with God as the week went on. However, another blow to my faith came at the end of that week.

I reluctantly went in to the fertility clinic on Friday for what I thought was a routine baseline. Later that day, I was told that I was pregnant, but it didn't look "viable." What? Why would God take my beloved grandfather and then give me a pregnancy that wasn't viable? How could this be? Surely my grandfather was looking down on me and would not let this happen.

The next three weeks were gruelling as I held on to the pregnancy with an iron grip. My doctor and husband both wanted me to terminate the pregnancy as there was no sign of an actual pregnancy, just my body "tricking" itself. In the end, I had to agree and it was determined that it was in fact an ectopic pregnancy that would have killed me if I had not taken the treatment.

It has been a few years since then, and I am still aware of that grief and pain each Thanksgiving. My faith in God has never been the same since that week, and I don't know if my faith will ever be restored. I wish that I could have joy and peace in my heart on Thanksgiving, but sadly I feel the grief and pain. Each year, I hope that this will be the LAST Thanksgiving that we are childless, and each year I am facing Thanksgiving without a child. I know that I am blessed in so many ways, and I am forever grateful for my husband, my home, my friends, my family, and my career. I just wish that I could have the one thing my heart desires... a child.

Making Progress

Here is where we are at...

I wouldn't let Chris do much earlier this week... I wanted to make sure he didn't push it after running 26.2 miles on Sunday! :-) He worked on it most of the day on Wednesday and Thursday morning. He came home last night and did some more. The desk is in place... it isn't secured down just yet, but that is the plan for tonight. I was hoping to be all moved in before the end of the week.. but I don't want to rush it. I really want to have things organized BEFORE they go up into the pretty new space.

With that in mind, I really should return to cleaning my current scrapbook room. It's amazing what you find when you clean!

Colorgenics...

I love taking these personality tests... sometimes they are right on, and other times they are way off... this one seems to be right on...

Try it for yourself: http://www.paulgoldinresearch.com/

You are constantly trying to make a favourable impression and endeavouring to be considered as that someone 'special'. You are pretty good at using various tactics and strategies that give the impression that you are in control. Maybe you are - but you are constantly watching to see whether or not your endeavours are truly appreciated. Be careful... just as 'you' may be endeavouring to influence others, 'they' may indeed be influencing you.

Most people are conditioned by their environment and you are no exception. You are an extremely emotional person - so much so that 'the wrong word' can lead you to tears. You feel other people's pain. You feel the need of sympathetic relationships and a pleasant work environment in order to develop and grow. You are an impulsive, loving individual with a great deal of inherent feeling.

Everything seems to have gone wrong and the situation at this time is such that you are not quite sure which way to turn. So it would appear that you are 'holding back', re-consolidating your position and relinquishing all fun and games for the time being.

You are holding back. You need to find friends in whom you can trust and once they have proved themselves beyond all possible doubt you will be prepared to give them your all. The existing situation is not of your liking - you have an unsatisfied need for mental stimulation with others whose standards are as high as your own. Trying to control your instincts the way you do restricts your ability to open up to others and the way you feel at this time is suggestive of 'total surrender'. This is not to your liking as you consider such thoughts as weaknesses that need to be overcome. You feel that only by control, controlling your innermost thoughts, are you able to maintain your air of superiority. You want to be admired for yourself alone and not for what you can do or for what you may have done. In essence 'you need to be needed' and at the same time 'you need to need'.

You are greatly impressed by individuality and have interest in people who have outstanding qualities. You try to imitate those people that you admire and their characteristics, hoping that you will be able to display similar qualities in your own personality.

26.2

Chris is one amazing man... And he just keeps on setting goals and going for it. Running the Chicago Marathon was one of his "to-do's" in life. I am proud to say he achieved that goal on Sunday! He has been training since April, all while working full time and coaching. He was lucky enough to have a wonderful training partner who also happened to be his coworker. They were able to schedule runs during the day so he could fit it all in.

I was able to play "Amazing Race" and run around the city with my best friend, one of Chris' swimmers and her mom, and Amy's family. We were able to catch them three times during the race. What an amazing adreniline rush on the sidelines... I can only imagine what he must have felt as he ran! They finished the race just as they planned... in just over 4 hours!

My only regret is that I didn't take more photos. I was so caught up in the moments, that I totally forgot I had the darn camera around my neck. :uckily there are some amzaing photos taken by the folks at marathonfoto.com. I will be making a LARGE order with them as soon as they are finished identifying the photos.

Chris is trying to convince me that I should run in the future... we'll see. I am not much of a runner... in fact I am NOT a runner at all!

Making Progress in my Studio!

It is hard to beleive that this is even the same room! Chris has been working hard to get the painting done. The color is very calming and the lighting is perfect. In the morning, I just go in there and turn on the light. I can't beleive that I will soon have my very own studio! The floor is done and we are hoping to get the built in desk done this weekend.

My current room is a MESS! I haven't scrapped in almost a month. I am hoping to get some time in there this weekend. I keep dreaming about what I am going to do in my new studio.... Chris had to tell me to go to sleep on Sunday... I was just too excited! I will have space to spread out, but I will also be able to teach classes again. My friends and co-workers are already asking when they can come! :)

Romeo wants to play too...

Rules?

Warning... this is a vent entry! ;-)

Maybe it is because I am a teacher. By nature, teachers like to enforce rules. One of the challenges in any teacher's room is getting kids to follow the rules and understand the consequences of breaking those rules. I don't know of a teacher that doesn't struggle with the concept in the classroom. Sure, most of us have good classroom management, but getting the kids to understand the need for rules is tough.

I think I might know why.... it seems that there are adults breaking rules everywhere. It is one of my biggest pet peeves. There is a reason behind the rules, really. Today I was at the Y (starting to really get into a workout routine) and went into the locker room to change. There is an "adult only" section. I love kids... but sometimes I just don't want a child staring at me when I am changing. I like to keep things clean and dry when I am changing... kids don't always understand. :-) There I am with another woman changing in the adult only area. The rest of the locker room is almost empty. In comes this woman with her young daughter. She walks right into the adult only section past the curtain and the signs. I resisted the urge to say something.... but come on....

Issue number two... one of the rules is no cell phones in the program areas. Has to do with camera phones... and the annoying factor. I am walking away on the treadmill and the lady next to me answers her cell phone... not once but TWICE! Again, I resisted the urge.

I know that it shouldn't bother me... but as a teacher it does. How can I teach children that they need to follow directions when so many adults don't?

Vent over.

Too much on my plate

It is the start of a new school year... (we are really already halfway into the first quarter, which means the year is 1/8th over!) I swore to myself that I was not going to get myself so overwhelmed this year. So much for that theory!

The students in my classroom seem to have more and more needs each year. It seems that I am having to recreate my lessons each and every year making more and more adjustments to meet the lower abilities of the students. You would think that after 5 years teaching the same program, I would be able to use some of the same materials. I can, it just seems that I need to adjust everything. I want to be the best teacher I can be... I think any good teacher always wants to be adjusting to the needs of the kids. There are so many things that I want to do with my students. I get all of these great ideas during the day. I just don't have the time to initiate or develop most of them. My mind is spinning... I just can't seem to get things done.

I am the first to admit that I am a Type A person. I love doing things and need to feel a sense of accomplishment. I am my best when I am busy. However, I need to learn to find the balance. I need to accept the fact that there will always be more that I can do. There will always be more creative teaching ideas, there will always be more projects here at home, and there will always be creative endeavors that I want to pursue. I can't do it all. Sometimes you just can't give 100% to everything. In the end, there is only a total of 100% to give anyway... so how can I give 100% to teaching, 100% to my home, 100% to my marriage, 100% to my creative side, and 100% to my family & friends? It just can't be done. I need to come to terms with that.

On another note, I am excited to be the captain for TEAM McCLURE for the Walk for Hope here in Chicagoland. We are walking in honor of an amazing and courageous woman, Barb McClure who is battling breast cancer. If you can, please check out our team and donate if at all possible:


I need to go grade some quizzes, clean up the mess that Romeo made in the living room today, and also finish the design for our Team McCLURE T-shirts. Dinner is in the microwave, too....