Negative

Nothing more to say

Trying to pass the time

So I am sitting at work trying so hard to pass the time.  On one hand, I just want to know for sure, but on the other hand I am scared to death.  I just don't know how we can handle another negative.  

I have some VERY light spotting... I don't even know if I would call it spotting.  I am hoping this is not a sign that this is the end once again.  I am really trying to stay positive, but it is just so darn hard.

We will know in a matter of hours the direction our lives are headed...

9dp5dt... beta day

Tomorrow is THE DAY

So we will know for sure tomorrow.  Still no spotting... only a few cramps here and there.  Going to the bathroom about every 15 minutes just to "check"  LOL.  24 hours from now, we will know one way or another.  Just have to hold onto the faith for a few more hours....

8dp5dt

Nervous

This is the point in each cycle that I start to get a little nervous. In a few short days, our lives will change forever.  I am hoping and praying that it will be for the better- that we will finally be granted our miracle. 

I am feeling pretty good.  I am very tired, and have noticed some pulling sensations.  I have not really had any cramping as I did with both of the previous two cycles.  I was also spotting by this point on both failures.  I am obsessivly checking each time I go to the bathroom... no sign of anything at this point.  My breasts are still very heavy and sore.  Could this really be it?  Could we finally get some good news on Tuesday?

Chris and I were both so exhausted last night that we fell asleep very early!  We both woke up at 11, and realized we didnt do the PIO.... yikes!  We did it then, and hope and pray that won't affect anything at this point.  We're both just so exhausted from the week.  I always forget how exhausting the first week of school is for me.  It really knocked me on my butt!  Chris is running himself ragged... with the new boss at work who has firing on his mind, its just hard.  He's coaching at a HS as well, and working more than 12 hours a day.  We're both just working so darn hard.... please let this work!

So now we wait.... I was thinking of doing an HPT, but just don't think I can do it.  I will talk to Chris once he wakes up and see what he thinks....

So we are 7dp5dt today... and things are still looking good!

Two on Ice...

We just heard from the RE's office.  They froze two.  So for the first time, we have some embryos on ice.  We really debated on the cut off point... do we freeze one?  two? three?  We knew that we couldn't justify freezing just one... the chances of it making it through the thaw is slim.  I just had a really hard time "discarding" any embryos... so we froze the two we had.  What's another $600 at this point?

Praying we won't have to use those ice babies... and that we will have really good news in just 8 short days...

Two Beautiful Embryos

We've now transfered two beautiful embryos.  It was probably the easiest one yet.  I am very hopeful once again.  The embryos were grade 3 (out of 4).  The RE is very confident that they are great embryos.  Of course the overachiever in me would have loved to have grade 4 embryos!  :-)  They gave us a photo... just makes you realize what a miracle all of this truly is. 

I am taking an extra day of rest at Chris' request.  Today is the first day for teachers to report to school, but I was given permission to miss it.  I will return tomorrow, and students start on Wednesday.  Where did the summer go?

I am hoping that the business of the beginning of the school year will keep my mind occupied as we wait for our beta... when we will find out if this miracle is meant to be.  Just 8 more days....!

Support from Family....

I have often written about some of the struggles I have been dealing with when it comes to my family.  It just never seems to end.  More than anything, I want them to support me and be there for me as I endure yet one more painful procedure in my attempt to become a parent.  Yet, I am reminded once again that they are not capable... and that I am in this alone with my husband.

The retrieval was probably one of the most painful experiences in my life.  I don't know that I have ever been so uncomfortable, scared, and hurt all at one time.  Tuesday afternoon was a nightmare.  All I wanted to do was cry from the pain, and the more I cried, the more it hurt.  It was hard to just get to the bathroom from my bedroom.  Yet, I did it.  And my husband was with me all the way, with the pain in his heart for all that I was going through.  But I didn't feel that I could call anyone in my family.  I just didn't have the strength to hear what THEY had going on that was of course so much worse than I am enduring.

On Wednesday, Chris had to return to work.  That left me home alone.  That meant that I only ate what I could scrounge around here.  (should have gone to the grocery store last week!) or what he would bring home when he finally returned.  It meant that anything that I needed, I had to get.  No big deal, right?  It sure would have been nice to be able to call someone in my family to come and sit with me, or even bring me some light lunch.  But I didn't feel that I could do that.  Didn't feel that they could fit it into the schedule.

But of course I get the call from Mom on Wednesday that my sister is in trouble.  My sister needs me... ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  I have just endured the most painful experience in my life without any help from them, and now here I am being asked to help.  Mom went on and on about Robin, and when she finally paused, I calmly reminded her that I just had surgery and have spent the last two days in bed on narcotics! 

A small part of me is really sad for my sister... nobody should have to go through what she is facing. However, there is a thing called self-preservation.  I can't handle the extra stress of dealing with her issues right now.  This is the best chance we have for this IVF to work... and I don't want ANYTHING to jeopardize it.  Why can't anything ever be about me?  (Boy does that sound selfish!) 

I was very angry yesterday.  Feeling better today.  Taking a stand for myself once again.  For myself, for Chris, and our embryos... I have no choice!