Christmas... Past, Present, & Future all in one day!

First off, I apologize for the Blog Silence.  It's been a busy few weeks with work and getting etsy orders filled.  And then the tragedy of last week happened, and I just couldn't find the words to share here about it, so I decided that no words were my contribution to the blogosphere's way of processing it all.  I don't think I have fully processed it- and don't know that I ever will. 

It almost seems trivial to talk about anything else... but I read a quote somewhere about how moving on with "normal" life is often the best way to pay tribute to those who've been lost.  I don't know if that's the right idea, and when we've experienced any sort of loss, I was always pissed that it seemed that life was just going on around me.  But in the end, it was that sense of normal life that helped me to reengage in life.  So that's what I am going to do... try to fully engage in life- this crazy life that we're living!

Today is going to be a whirlwind of emotions.  We're meeting M for lunch today.  It will be the first time we've seen her in person since we've agreed to the adoption plan.  We've communicated a great deal over text.  We had a rocky few days with our agency and some communication pieces with all those involved.   There are so many professionals involved that sometimes it is very frustrating.  We have our attorney that I adore and respect greatly.  She has been our rock through all of this.  Then we have a social worker at the agency who did our homestudy and is also our contact.  Then there is a social worker who is assigned to M through the agency.  While we have a great deal of communication with M, anything with support has to go through the agency and while we are so grateful for that, it can be a challenge with communication.  M talks to her social worker, who talks to our social worker, who calls us.  And sometimes our attorney has to intervene to make things work with this process, and last week the director of the agency got involved as well.  It was an extremely stressful few weeks, but we *finally* feel like everything has been addressed and we can now work on developing a relationship with M and hope that the professionals can work with the system we've all set up.

Chris is at practice this morning.  He'll come home and change and we'll make the 90 minute drive to pick M up and take her to lunch.  She had a Dr appt this week, so hoping we'll have a chance to talk a little about it.  It's such a strange world to live in, and I don't know that anyone prepares you for this. Our initial conversation in person was good, so hoping that things will go smooth today.  I am hoping to feel some sense of peace after today.  We've had so much loss that it is just so darn hard to believe that we will finally be in a place to become parents in a few months.  It's crazy to start thinking about what our Christmas future might hold!

After our lunch with M, we're heading into the city for an annual Christmas party.  We'll see our swimmers from years past who are now all grown up.  It's always so fun to see everyone and we always say we have to get together more than just once a year, but life just gets in the way. It's a little strange to be sharing a bottle of wine with girls you've known since they were 8, but it's also pretty cool at the same time.  They've all become such amazing adults, and it makes my heart swell with pride knowing we had just a little bit to do with that.  We've been a part of so many kids lives, and the idea that we might just finally be able to share our life with a child of our own is almost more than my heart can take.  I am actually tearing up just writing this post...  We've been making this trip into the city for more than a decade, and it's truly one of the highlights of our Christmas.

With that, I need to actually consider getting dressed for our big adventures.  Thinking of you all today, and still feeling so full of gratitude for the love and support you have all shown us!

My Heart is Full

There simply aren't words to express how full my heart is from all of the kindness that has been showered on me from all of you.  The orders from my etsy shop and the donations to our good wishes page have seriously made me cry tears of gratitude.  I am so thankful for each and every one of you who have taken the time to support us in this way.  We still have a long way to go in terms of meeting the financial obligations related to this adoption plan, but we are getting closer each and every day.  We are fortunate to have friends who have offered to help us with some of the large costs up front while we continue to fund raise. 

It's been another exhausting week working to get everything thing in place for M.  She has connected with Chris and has been texting him daily.  I am forever grateful that he has such a calm and charismatic personality and is able to work with M.  We feel strongly that we are meant to be in M's life- not just in terms of the adoption, but also to help support her and make an impact in her life.  It is not going to be an easy four months, but we knew that when we agreed to the match. 

I took a few more leaps this week.  I told my boss and got the necessary paperwork to apply for FMLA.  I haven't filled any of it out- that leap will have to wait for another day.  :)  Chris shared the news with the Parent Board of our swim team.  We've slowly shared the news with those closest to us, and even some outside of our inner circle.  I might have even started to pin some ideas for a potential nursery. 

My heart is so full of gratitude and hope, but yet I find myself struggling.  Chris and I had a rough evening last night, and it really was my fault.  I was in such a foul mood and I found myself in tears over really stupid stuff.  I am super emotional right now.  I couldn't figure it out what the heck was wrong with me- why aren't I on cloud nine?

And then it hit me.

I am terrified.

Hope scares the crap out of me.  We're closer to our dream of parenting than we have ever been.  While there always going to be questions and the chance we will end up with empty arms, there is no reason to believe that will be the case.  So why can't I let go?  I want to let go of all the loss and heartache of the past and be able to truly embrace and enjoy the role of potential adoptive parent.  I want to be able to consider the notion of setting up a nursery.  I want to be able to accept the excitement of those we love when we tell them about the adoption without tempering their excitement with all of the cautionary tales of what could go wrong.

One of my closest friends and I were talking about all of this.  She shared that she envisions my heart as being made of glass- and that I am just trying hard to protect it.  It's really not that I feel that there are reservations about M placing.  It's just the idea in general- that we might actually really end up with our precious tiny miracle.  I'm just so damn scared to put my heart all the way into this.  I'm putting on a good face with those around me, but inside I am terrified.

I need to find a way to get over this.  We can't do this for the next four months.  So- any words of wisdom you can provide?

And again... thank you for filling my heart with so much gratitude with your love and support. That glass heart of mine is bursting with all of the love you've shared with me.  I just need to find some steel to go around it! I really couldn't imagine getting through all of this without all of you.

Thank You

Thank you for all of the words of congratulations and support.  It means so very much to both Chris and I.  This has been a LONG time coming, and I am trying to embrace hope and believe this will be our happy ever after.

It is becoming a little more real with each time we share our news with someone close to us.  There have been tears of joy, lots of hugs, and offers of support.  We're still a little guarded with the news just yet, but have loved sharing it with those who are closest to our heart. 

M had told us that she didn't want to find out the gender of the baby, but that she would have the nurse write it down and send it to us.  It appears that the technician didn't know that plan, and at her u/s yesterday blurted out the gender of the baby.  She texted Chris right away to tell us. Oh my word, this makes it feel so much more real.  I even let myself to start thinking about names and a nursery theme.  Can I really take the full leap?  Can I pretend that I don't carry the baggage of so much loss and just go on as a normal person preparing for a baby in a few months? 

One of the biggest challenges is that we need to do some fundraising to make the large initial payment to our agency.  We've made a partial payment, but need to come up with the balance asap.  Thankfully, I've had some sales in my etsy shop lately, and Chris is getting ready to do some private lessons over winter break.  I am selling my creations at an open house/cookie exchange tomorrow and may do an open house next weekend too.... I just need to get some inventory made!  :)

You can help by sharing links to my etsy shop.... PB Creations at Etsy and share links to our Good Wishes Page.  I am also working on getting a video put together so we can apply to be a family on the Give1Save1 domestic blog.  I am trying to come up with something creative, but haven't had a strike of genius yet. 

Thank you for being part of our journey and being a source of support and comfort.  Thank you in advance for keeping me sane during the next four months!

We took the leap...

As of today, we are officially matched.

We took the leap.  With both feet and eyes wide open.

There is still a LONG way to go, and a long way to fall.

Hoping, wishing, and praying, that our missing piece will be here in March. 

I have lots more to say, but I am going to leave it at that. 

We are matched.  Oh.my.God. 

Standing at the ledge....

That's what I feel like right now.  That I am standing on the ledge, and I am torn what to do next.

Do I take the leap and hope that we finally land in the world of parenthood?

Do I walk away just case there is something sharp at the bottom of the cliff?

After more going back and forth with the adoption professionals in our life, we *think* that we have come to a point of agreement in terms of living expenses for M.  It is the same number we've always agreed to, but is still beyond what I would have ever expected we'd be paying in living expenses every month.  There's one more issue that is still being worked out, but I do think that we can come to terms with it all.

I am terrified.

I have some trust issues after all these years of infertility and loss.  There are some things about the way M has handled herself that have added to my trust issues.  I want to believe with my whole heart that we will provide all of this support and in the end, M will choose to place with us and our dreams will finally come true.  I just can't seem to take that leap.

While the adoption professionals agree that M has some definite motives in working with us, they do all get the sense that she will in fact place.  While there are no guarantees in anything, and especially with the world we live in, that should give me some hope.  But let's face it, we don't have a great track record in terms of things working out. 

I am scared that we are making decisions with our heart and our ache for a child rather than our head.  We stuck to our budget, even though it really was the HIGH end of our budget, and will require some fundraising to make ends meet. It isn't going to be easy, and if I could just know that it will all be worth it in the end I could do it. 

But I can't see what is beyond the ledge...

This isn't how I imagined our adoption story was going to play out.  I was hoping for the fairytale. 

We need to decide if we are going to take the leap.  We need to have the first month's expenses to the agency by Friday.  How do I know if this is right?  How do I know if this is the path we are supposed to take?  Anyone out there have words of wisdom?  For those of you who matched, how did you know it was "right"?  I was hoping for some sense of peace, and that just hasn't come.  But I don't have a sense of dread, either. 

As I have always said, there are so many things that are right about this situation.  She is fairly local to us and in-state.  She appears to be healthy and is getting prenatal care.  Her daughter has many of the same features as Chris.  M has made a connection to us and has told us that she thinks we are the right parents to raise her child. 

Do we take the leap and hope that is how things end up?

Intoxicating

After a tough Thanksgiving, the rest of the weekend went much better.  I think I just really needed to deal with the anger and sadness and then I was able to move on.  We had a fabulous time with our friends on Friday, and I am so very glad we went.  I was really feeling like it might be time for us to start considering what it meant to live childfree. I thought that I was ready to start thinking about that possibility.

I was wrong.

Snuggle time with Katie, our friend's daughter

Oh my word.  There is just something so sweet and intoxicating about holding a baby like this.  Instead of feeling overwhelming sadness about the fact that this sweet baby is close to the age the baby we lost in February would be, I felt an incredible sense of peace while holding her. Oh, and the sweet smell of her tiny little head?  I am not sure I could ever get enough!  I suppose this is all a sign that I am moving in the right direction, that all of the pain and heartache of the past 12 years will be worth it... if I ever have the chance to hold my own sweet baby like this.  (Please excuse the flatness of my curls in this photo... this was much later in the evening!)

And then there was this....

Chris with Katie and her big brother Matty

I don't know if I have ever been more attracted to this man than in this photo.  He is truly a natural when it comes to kids and they just are drawn to him.  (I promise that we didn't get confused between the wine glass and the bottle!)

Now, there was a great deal of wine later in the evening and I may have felt a little ill when we got home.  But there was a great deal of laughter, even in the midst of being the only childless couple there.  We may have also joked repeatedly about stealing Katie, since she is the youngest of four, but we promise she went home safe and sound with her mom and dad. 

So I guess this point is this... we're okay, and we're going to keep plugging along.  I want the chance to have that intoxicating sweet baby smell (and all of the not so sweet smells) in our home and our hearts.

And we heard from M today.  Apparently she has decided that she does in fact want to work with us.  I don't know how I feel about it, and she still wants us to provide more than what we are comfortable with.  We are being VERY generous and will have to make some deep sacrifices to even provide the level of support we have offered.  She texted Chris late in the day and we've spoken to our attorney about it.  We reiterated that M needs to discuss all financial aspects with the agency only, not us directly.  We'll see what tomorrow brings- and we feel strongly that we will hold firm with our position.  As we've always said, if she is willing to work with that, we will move forward.  I don't think that M is being completely honest with us on several things, but I know that is part of who she is.  We'll see what the next few days hold.  I refuse to be manipulated for the next several months, and have already distanced myself from it all for now.

Please keep sending positive thoughts our way.  I am in constant awe of the love and support from all of you out there.  I can't wait for the day that I can share our joy with all of you rather than sorrow.

another childless Thanksgiving

I know... quite the dramatic title.  Forgive me. 

Yesterday was tough.  Tougher than I expected.  Tougher than it's been in many years.

We started the way we always do with the local Turkey Trot 5k.  Ok, Chris and our friends ran along with several of the kids from our swim team while I watched and took photos.  :)  I really need to get back into running but that's another post all together.  After my runners all passed, I stood there watching all of the young families cross the start line and it almost broke my heart.  Seeing the running strollers, the toddlers wobbly little walks, the parents cheering on their little ones, it was almost more than I could take.  It's really two-fold.  First, there's the obvious pain that we aren't there yet and if we hadn't had miscarriage #3, we could have been pushing one of those strollers.  Second, there is the marking of time.  I know I've written about this before.  The passage of yet another holiday makes my empty arms ache.  This is the 13th Thanksgiving since we started trying to have a child.  And now that Thanksgiving is over... Christmas is right around the corner.  After Christmas is the end of 2012, which means that our dreams didn't come true in 2012.  I know that the fact that the adoption lead fell apart this week is also weighing heavy on my heart.

After our post-race breakfast, I tried to share my feelings with Chris.  Just as I always do, I kept the happy face on through the race, cheering on the kids and watching Chris encourage and support each of the kids as they crossed the finish line.  On the car ride home, I started to unravel.  Chris is the eternal optimist, and just can't go with me down the sadness road.  He never has been able to, and I know that I owe his strength so much over the past several years.  It also frustrates me beyond belief.  He reminded me that we've "only" been at this for a little over a year, and it takes time.  Really?  Why can't we just catch a break?  Now, he's had his moments of anger and despair, but he really can't handle when I get into my funk. 

And that's just what I was in yesterday... a huge funk.  I was angry most of the morning and struggled to cook my first ever Turkey.  This type A girl can't handle not knowing how to do things, and the challenge of cooking the turkey was almost more than I could handle.  There was some yelling and crying, but in the end, the turkey was perfect. 

In the years since we decided to walk away from my family, we usually spend Thanksgiving with a close friends and their extended family.  This year they were also celebrating the first birthday of their great nephew in conjunction with Thanksgiving.  Invitations were sent out for the birthday party, and we weren't included.  We were of course more than welcome to come, and in fact our friends gave us a hard time about not coming.  However, we decided that we'd have a small Thanksgiving here at our house along with our other very close friend.  We made this decision before the adoption lead fell apart, but after that happened, it felt like the right choice to have a childless Thanksgiving here at home.  It was the right choice, and it was nice to just spend the day here at home with our close friend and her teenage daughter and her boyfriend.

Today we will go to celebrate our annual friend's Black Friday Thanksgiving.  And it will be far from childfree.  In fact, one of our friends commented that the kids will outnumber the adults for the first time this year.  These are all of our friends from high school, and this is one of the only times we see them.  Our lives have just done in different directions- mostly because we don't have children and all of them do.  They've been so very supportive of us and have tried to help us in any way they can.  But that can't take away that we will be the ONLY ones there without children.  We agreed to go back when we thought things were possible with M.  Now that has fallen apart, and it is going to be a tough road today.  My saving grace?  The fact that there will be a great deal of wine consumed and I've already called "drinking" so Chris has to be the DD.  :)    Please send some positive thoughts my way this afternoon as we navigate yet another tradition as the childless couple.