I know... quite the dramatic title. Forgive me.
Yesterday was tough. Tougher than I expected. Tougher than it's been in many years.
We started the way we always do with the local Turkey Trot 5k. Ok, Chris and our friends ran along with several of the kids from our swim team while I watched and took photos. :) I really need to get back into running but that's another post all together. After my runners all passed, I stood there watching all of the young families cross the start line and it almost broke my heart. Seeing the running strollers, the toddlers wobbly little walks, the parents cheering on their little ones, it was almost more than I could take. It's really two-fold. First, there's the obvious pain that we aren't there yet and if we hadn't had miscarriage #3, we could have been pushing one of those strollers. Second, there is the marking of time. I know I've written about this before. The passage of yet another holiday makes my empty arms ache. This is the 13th Thanksgiving since we started trying to have a child. And now that Thanksgiving is over... Christmas is right around the corner. After Christmas is the end of 2012, which means that our dreams didn't come true in 2012. I know that the fact that the adoption lead fell apart this week is also weighing heavy on my heart.
After our post-race breakfast, I tried to share my feelings with Chris. Just as I always do, I kept the happy face on through the race, cheering on the kids and watching Chris encourage and support each of the kids as they crossed the finish line. On the car ride home, I started to unravel. Chris is the eternal optimist, and just can't go with me down the sadness road. He never has been able to, and I know that I owe his strength so much over the past several years. It also frustrates me beyond belief. He reminded me that we've "only" been at this for a little over a year, and it takes time. Really? Why can't we just catch a break? Now, he's had his moments of anger and despair, but he really can't handle when I get into my funk.
And that's just what I was in yesterday... a huge funk. I was angry most of the morning and struggled to cook my first ever Turkey. This type A girl can't handle not knowing how to do things, and the challenge of cooking the turkey was almost more than I could handle. There was some yelling and crying, but in the end, the turkey was perfect.
In the years since we decided to walk away from my family, we usually spend Thanksgiving with a close friends and their extended family. This year they were also celebrating the first birthday of their great nephew in conjunction with Thanksgiving. Invitations were sent out for the birthday party, and we weren't included. We were of course more than welcome to come, and in fact our friends gave us a hard time about not coming. However, we decided that we'd have a small Thanksgiving here at our house along with our other very close friend. We made this decision before the adoption lead fell apart, but after that happened, it felt like the right choice to have a childless Thanksgiving here at home. It was the right choice, and it was nice to just spend the day here at home with our close friend and her teenage daughter and her boyfriend.
Today we will go to celebrate our annual friend's Black Friday Thanksgiving. And it will be far from childfree. In fact, one of our friends commented that the kids will outnumber the adults for the first time this year. These are all of our friends from high school, and this is one of the only times we see them. Our lives have just done in different directions- mostly because we don't have children and all of them do. They've been so very supportive of us and have tried to help us in any way they can. But that can't take away that we will be the ONLY ones there without children. We agreed to go back when we thought things were possible with M. Now that has fallen apart, and it is going to be a tough road today. My saving grace? The fact that there will be a great deal of wine consumed and I've already called "drinking" so Chris has to be the DD. :) Please send some positive thoughts my way this afternoon as we navigate yet another tradition as the childless couple.
Friday, November 23, 2012
Monday, November 19, 2012
as expected...
I spoke to our attorney at length today and was once again reminded why we chose to work with her. She has high ethics and also doesn't sugar coat things. I am thankful that she is working on our behalf.
The social worker that met with M went over her expenses she listed, but in no way agreed that they were allowable under the law. She shared with our attorney that she also felt that they were well beyond what is "appropriate" while they are in all intense purposes legal under IL law. She had many of the same impressions we had about M and the fact that things don't seem to add up with everything she says.
We shared with our attorney what we were comfortable both financially and ethically covering. She shared that with the social worker who then called M. As expected, M did not accept the level of support we are willing to provide. In fact, she told the social worker that she has been in contact with another attorney and will be presenting her expenses to him/her and that she has another couple in mind. She told the social worker that she was going to take a week to think about it and then get back to her. Honestly, I am not sure what we will do if she comes back and wants to work with us.
We are heartbroken, of course. But more than that, I am angry. I feel used and manipulated and so disillusioned with the entire process. My old IF wounds have been ripped open again as I am left wondering why someone like M is able to easily conceive while so many of us aren't so lucky. I am left reeling and trying to decide how much longer we can do this. At what point is it time to recognize that the universe doesn't intend us to be parents? I feel like each step of our journey has left us more scarred and broken and I worry if I will ever be whole enough to be the mom a child deserves?
Chris has started talking about surrogacy again and I just can't even imagine going back into treatment right now. We've got just under a year left on our retainer with our attorney. We have our resources invested in adoption right now and I don't feel like we should jump ship just yet. However, I just don't know how I can put myself out there again. I don't understand why it seems that everyone else is being picked, and we simply are the last ones standing... AGAIN.
Seriously, what did I do to piss off the universe this much?
The social worker that met with M went over her expenses she listed, but in no way agreed that they were allowable under the law. She shared with our attorney that she also felt that they were well beyond what is "appropriate" while they are in all intense purposes legal under IL law. She had many of the same impressions we had about M and the fact that things don't seem to add up with everything she says.
We shared with our attorney what we were comfortable both financially and ethically covering. She shared that with the social worker who then called M. As expected, M did not accept the level of support we are willing to provide. In fact, she told the social worker that she has been in contact with another attorney and will be presenting her expenses to him/her and that she has another couple in mind. She told the social worker that she was going to take a week to think about it and then get back to her. Honestly, I am not sure what we will do if she comes back and wants to work with us.
We are heartbroken, of course. But more than that, I am angry. I feel used and manipulated and so disillusioned with the entire process. My old IF wounds have been ripped open again as I am left wondering why someone like M is able to easily conceive while so many of us aren't so lucky. I am left reeling and trying to decide how much longer we can do this. At what point is it time to recognize that the universe doesn't intend us to be parents? I feel like each step of our journey has left us more scarred and broken and I worry if I will ever be whole enough to be the mom a child deserves?
Chris has started talking about surrogacy again and I just can't even imagine going back into treatment right now. We've got just under a year left on our retainer with our attorney. We have our resources invested in adoption right now and I don't feel like we should jump ship just yet. However, I just don't know how I can put myself out there again. I don't understand why it seems that everyone else is being picked, and we simply are the last ones standing... AGAIN.
Seriously, what did I do to piss off the universe this much?
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Gray
That just about defines my life at this moment. It's been more than a week since I last posted, and I really don't have any exciting updates to share. We're living in gray right now. We've had some crazy weather shifts in the past week which have resulted in crazy foggy gray evenings and mornings. My work life has been crazy busy and I feel as though my head is swirling with gray all the time without any sort of focus. I am supposed to be writing a final self-reflection paper for my grad school class right now, but felt the need to dump out some angst here before continuing. Paper is due at midnight... so I have a full 7 hours left to write it, right?
The biggest weight right now is the fact we are still living in the gray area with M, the expectant mother we are working with. She met with the social worker on Friday and listed all of her expenses. It's such an icky place to even talk about and probably my biggest hang-up about the domestic adoption process. Yes, I know there are states that don't allow living expenses and yes, I know that there are other options for us. But this is the path we are on, and we have chosen to work directly with expectant parents rather than use an agency. There are many reasons for this, so please understand that we are on the path that is right for us. We just don't know if THIS specific path is the right one.
I've been doing lots of thinking and processing about what it means to provide living expenses to an expectant mom. I don't think I'll ever come up with the "right" answer that makes me feel completely at peace. Our attorney has provided us with the information and guidance and we know in our hearts that she will help us determine if this is the right path for us. As I have always said, there is so many things that are right about this situation. As much as I tried not to let it happen, I have started to dream about the what if's should this finally be our chance at parenting. It's going to really hurt to walk away at this point, but I know that it will only be harder the further along we go.
We're in limbo land once again. While it is not even close to the same thing, this feels so much like the last pregnancy that ended up in miscarriage. We'd start to feel really good and then we'd have some bad news. We were constantly waiting for appointments to find out the next step. And that is exactly where we are at now. Our attorney will be in contact with M's social worker on Monday and then get back to us. We know what we are comfortable with providing in terms of living expenses, and as of right now that is not even close to meeting what M is asking for. We need some clarification from the professionals involved and then we will need to make some decisions. There are lines that Chris and I are not willing to cross- even if they are legally allowable. We know that drawing the line might mean that M decides not to work with us, and we have come to the point that we are ok with that. It will sting and I am sure there will be tears, but we have to be at peace with the choice.
There is still a chance that we can all get on the same page with living expenses and make an "official" adoption plan. (It is just that- a plan, not anything that commits M to placing, just saying that she is working with us and is making a plan to place) M has some immediate expenses she would like covered, so I feel we will have some resolution one way or another in the next few weeks. We are scheduled to take her to an u/s appointment on Nov 26, and I want to have the living expenses situated before that point and have made our adoption plan as well. I don't think my heart can take going and seeing the u/s if it looks like we will have to walk away.
Please keep sending positive thoughts our way that we are able to find some peace one way or another in the coming weeks. I don't know how much more gray this girl can take!
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Remembering Wilson- 5 years Later
She was my cheerleader (she'd hate that I called her that) and confidant. She taught me about understanding and openness. She taught me to laugh at myself and to not take myself too seriously. She'd be really unhappy to see the state of our school and the way that our staff is treating each other. She'd have plenty to say about all the mandates and new initiatives in place.
I'd like to think she'd be thrilled for our colleagues who've found love and have a baby on the way. I'd like to think that she'd be proud of the choices I've made. I hope she's cheering us on in our quest to become parents.
I still wish I would have done more five years ago, but have finally come to terms that there was nothing more I could do. Losing her opened my eyes to so much and for that I am grateful, even if I miss her spirit and energy in my life.
In honor of her memory, I'm going to make sure to tell those I care about just how much they mean to me.... and challenge you to do the same. You never know when just one simple card, or word of encouragement can make all the difference in the world to someone.
You are missed, Wilson.
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Teetering
I am loving the fact that I get a tiny bit of sunlight now on my way into work. I am not loving the fact that there is now a very tiny bit of sunlight on my way home- and only if I leave right at the bell. I love the changing seasons, but the lack of sunlight definitely makes me a little cranky! Hoping with the new position I can make a point of getting some sunlight- even if just through a window at lunch every day.
I've had lots of time to process everything on the adoption front and I am still not feeling "settled." I have all sorts of things that I am going to have to work out in my head... and thus here on the blog in the coming months should we move forward with this situation. I am hoping that those of you who have paved this road will be able to help me along the way. In so many ways, I feel like I did all those years ago when we first walked into our first IVF class. I was so full of hope and had no idea what the next few months were going to hold. And then the fear grips me- I remember the pain and despair I felt when that first IVF didn't work. How can I really be thinking about putting myself out there? Oh, how I wish I had those rose colored glasses again. This isn't the "fairytale" adoption I imagined for us. But let's be honest, we lost all shot at a fairy tale a few years ago!
I literally feel like I am teetering in two worlds right now. There's the one full of light and hope where I day dream about actually setting up the nursery in the guest room and imagining what it will be like to finally hold a precious new life in my arms. Then there's the scary dark place where I see all the red flags and have already started mentally preparing me for a last minute change of heart with the expectant mother and have lost more time wandering in our path to become parents. I know that Chris is feeling the same way, and he actually told me yesterday that he worries about how he would handle things if we spent the next few months supporting M and then she chose not to place with us. He's been my rock through so much and hearing how scared he is about it all makes my heart ache even more.
I know we have to put ourselves out there. Chris continues to be the main contact for M and she texts and talks to him almost daily. We've moved forward with getting the agency involved and have decided that if M's meeting with the expectant mother social worker from the agency goes well, we will move forward and commit. If the meeting goes poorly, or if we feel that M will still waver with her requests being on the legal side of things, then we have decided it will be our time to walk away. We're working on getting all of the logistics in place... most of all getting our expectant mother fee to our agency.
As we move forward, we have a new push to supplement our income with my card making endeavor. Please share the link to our etsy shop with all you know... The holidays are just around the corner!
Please keep positive thoughts coming our way. Hoping to continue to have more sense of peace as we move forward this week!
I've had lots of time to process everything on the adoption front and I am still not feeling "settled." I have all sorts of things that I am going to have to work out in my head... and thus here on the blog in the coming months should we move forward with this situation. I am hoping that those of you who have paved this road will be able to help me along the way. In so many ways, I feel like I did all those years ago when we first walked into our first IVF class. I was so full of hope and had no idea what the next few months were going to hold. And then the fear grips me- I remember the pain and despair I felt when that first IVF didn't work. How can I really be thinking about putting myself out there? Oh, how I wish I had those rose colored glasses again. This isn't the "fairytale" adoption I imagined for us. But let's be honest, we lost all shot at a fairy tale a few years ago!
I literally feel like I am teetering in two worlds right now. There's the one full of light and hope where I day dream about actually setting up the nursery in the guest room and imagining what it will be like to finally hold a precious new life in my arms. Then there's the scary dark place where I see all the red flags and have already started mentally preparing me for a last minute change of heart with the expectant mother and have lost more time wandering in our path to become parents. I know that Chris is feeling the same way, and he actually told me yesterday that he worries about how he would handle things if we spent the next few months supporting M and then she chose not to place with us. He's been my rock through so much and hearing how scared he is about it all makes my heart ache even more.
I know we have to put ourselves out there. Chris continues to be the main contact for M and she texts and talks to him almost daily. We've moved forward with getting the agency involved and have decided that if M's meeting with the expectant mother social worker from the agency goes well, we will move forward and commit. If the meeting goes poorly, or if we feel that M will still waver with her requests being on the legal side of things, then we have decided it will be our time to walk away. We're working on getting all of the logistics in place... most of all getting our expectant mother fee to our agency.
As we move forward, we have a new push to supplement our income with my card making endeavor. Please share the link to our etsy shop with all you know... The holidays are just around the corner!
Please keep positive thoughts coming our way. Hoping to continue to have more sense of peace as we move forward this week!
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Afternoon Tea
We're still in a little limbo with the adoption situation. Our attorney came down with the flu, so we haven't had a chance to talk with her about it all. Hopefully we'll have some insight after talking to her tomorrow... But for now, let me share about my adventure yesterday.
I've written about my good friends Bridget and Jamie several times, and recently wrote a post all about them. These girls are my rock in so many ways, so I was thrilled to get the chance to be part of Bridget's birthday surprise along with Jamie. Bridget's husband arranged the entire thing, and it was such an honor to be included.
Jamie and I headed into the city on the train and enjoyed some great conversation along the way. We had plenty of time to get to our destination, so we decided to walk from the train station. We took the very scenic route, but had the chance to see parts of the city we hadn't seen in awhile. We managed to stay out of the shady parts for the most part. :) My legs and ankles are pretty sore still today, though. I wasn't wearing walking shoes since we were heading to a nice location!
We arrived at The Drake Hotel on Michigan Avenue in plenty of time to look around and take in the sights of the lobby. Jamie ended up running into one of her daughter's friends who was also there for afternoon tea. Bridget arrived shortly after we did, and almost didn't notice us in the lobby. We had asked her what she was doing for the weekend, and she had no idea we were in on the secret. She was brought to the tea by one of her friends from college, and her best friend since high school joined us as well.
It was quite a lovely time. There is a harp player and beautiful flowers everywhere. There weren't many men in the restaurant... at least that weren't working. We had our choice of about 30 different teas and each chose a different one. They delivered a tower of treats with mini sandwiches, scones, and delicious little deserts. I think my favorite was the banana bread. It was amazing with the clotted cream (which I had no idea was as divine as it is!)
It was such a girly afternoon. We laughed and of course had some inappropriate jokes along the way. We enjoyed the ambiance and the company. It was so fun to see Bridget so utterly surprised and truly loving every moment of the time we had together. This was something she had mentioned in passing to her husband about wanting to do, and he ran with it. I can't say that it was even on my radar to do, but I am so glad I had the experience and look forward to doing it again with friends in the future.
Here are the girls at the table... it's not a great photo, but I love that it shows the ambiance of it all!
I've written about my good friends Bridget and Jamie several times, and recently wrote a post all about them. These girls are my rock in so many ways, so I was thrilled to get the chance to be part of Bridget's birthday surprise along with Jamie. Bridget's husband arranged the entire thing, and it was such an honor to be included.
Jamie and I headed into the city on the train and enjoyed some great conversation along the way. We had plenty of time to get to our destination, so we decided to walk from the train station. We took the very scenic route, but had the chance to see parts of the city we hadn't seen in awhile. We managed to stay out of the shady parts for the most part. :) My legs and ankles are pretty sore still today, though. I wasn't wearing walking shoes since we were heading to a nice location!
We arrived at The Drake Hotel on Michigan Avenue in plenty of time to look around and take in the sights of the lobby. Jamie ended up running into one of her daughter's friends who was also there for afternoon tea. Bridget arrived shortly after we did, and almost didn't notice us in the lobby. We had asked her what she was doing for the weekend, and she had no idea we were in on the secret. She was brought to the tea by one of her friends from college, and her best friend since high school joined us as well.
It was quite a lovely time. There is a harp player and beautiful flowers everywhere. There weren't many men in the restaurant... at least that weren't working. We had our choice of about 30 different teas and each chose a different one. They delivered a tower of treats with mini sandwiches, scones, and delicious little deserts. I think my favorite was the banana bread. It was amazing with the clotted cream (which I had no idea was as divine as it is!)
It was such a girly afternoon. We laughed and of course had some inappropriate jokes along the way. We enjoyed the ambiance and the company. It was so fun to see Bridget so utterly surprised and truly loving every moment of the time we had together. This was something she had mentioned in passing to her husband about wanting to do, and he ran with it. I can't say that it was even on my radar to do, but I am so glad I had the experience and look forward to doing it again with friends in the future.
Here are the girls at the table... it's not a great photo, but I love that it shows the ambiance of it all!
 |
| The Birthday girl in awe of the tower of treats |
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| The remnants of the tower... and I am pretty sure we finished off most of what you see here! |
Friday, November 2, 2012
Assume the Good
My new life motto seems to be developing into something along the lines of "assume the good"
I'm trying to focus on the good, and focus on the belief that people come from a place of good. I'm trying to focus on the positives in people, rather than the negatives that are so easy to spot. I'm trying to believe that everything has good within. I'm trying to see the good in a situation, even when all I want to do is kick and scream.
Notice that I am saying try. This is something that is really hard for me. We've been through so much, and the current limbo is no different.
I can't focus on the negative. There's just too much negative in the world right now. There's so much negativity being thrown out in the current political campaign season. Teachers are being scrutinized and the morale in most public schools is at an all time low. My school is no different. There's negativity all around, and as a society we are quick to assume the worst in others.
Chris and I have a long time debate on whether I am a "pessimist" or a "realist." I like the latter of those- but now I am really trying to shift even further into the land of optimism. I want to not only assume the good in others... but I want to be a positive force in the world around me.
So that is where I am trying so very hard to shift my life. I'm going to assume the good. And I might get stung in the process, but that will only allow me to grow.
I'm trying to focus on the good, and focus on the belief that people come from a place of good. I'm trying to focus on the positives in people, rather than the negatives that are so easy to spot. I'm trying to believe that everything has good within. I'm trying to see the good in a situation, even when all I want to do is kick and scream.
Notice that I am saying try. This is something that is really hard for me. We've been through so much, and the current limbo is no different.
I can't focus on the negative. There's just too much negative in the world right now. There's so much negativity being thrown out in the current political campaign season. Teachers are being scrutinized and the morale in most public schools is at an all time low. My school is no different. There's negativity all around, and as a society we are quick to assume the worst in others.
Chris and I have a long time debate on whether I am a "pessimist" or a "realist." I like the latter of those- but now I am really trying to shift even further into the land of optimism. I want to not only assume the good in others... but I want to be a positive force in the world around me.
So that is where I am trying so very hard to shift my life. I'm going to assume the good. And I might get stung in the process, but that will only allow me to grow.
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